Is it possible to make my father happy?

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Well, just when I thought I had my father set up in a new routine that gave him some independence and me more freedom, I was sadly mistaken. My father is 87 asthmatic, COPD, legally blind in one eye, profound cataracts in both, deaf, arthritic and unbalanced (walks with a cane). I should mention that he has a drinking issue as well. Up until last year he was still driving (he shouldn't have been 9 accidents in 3 years, but I couldn't convince him), In August, he fell and was hospitalized for two weeks with bleeding in the brain. He healed up, but the fall made his vision even worse and he now has developed macular degeneration. I took this opportunity to finally take the keys away. Over this year, he refused alternate transportation and has made my life a living hell. He lives with me, my husband and two teenage sons. He ranted and tantrumed all year about getting his car back. I have stood my ground. He finally has begun going out with a car service I found that he can rent hourly to do his little errands and regain some independence. Today, he visited a mechanic and told them he lost his car keys and would like a new set made. He is determined to get his car back. He even told them to come tow the car to do the work. I have made it clear that he cannot drive and live in my house. I told him he would have to move to assisted living if he keeps this up and that it is $2500/month. He balked that he can't afford that and will find some other apartment. He thinks he can live independently. He cannot. I clean for him, do his laundry, take him food shopping, carry in his groceries, cook for him, take him to the doctor, make all his calls, etc.. He is essentially deaf and blind. However, the DMV will not revoke his license without the doctor's say so and none of his doctors wants to get involved for fear of lawsuits. My husband has had enough. My kids resent the turmoil in the house. My brothers support me from afar with no real hands on assistance. By the way, I contacted the shop he went to and luckily, they realized that he was in no way capable of driving and appeased him by letting him talk, but had no intention of making him a new key. Thank goodness they were perceptive enough to make the right decision. However, physically getting rid of the car is not a solution either. He is financially able to purchase another. The dealer would contact the insurance company and secure plates with the DMV so he could complete the transaction without me. I need for him to realize and accept his new version of independence. I really don't understand it. He can come and go as he pleases with the car service. Is it really that important for him to be the driver of the car! I live in fear of him eventually leaving and driving again because he has no one but me in the world and will always drive around and stalk both me and my family just to see what we are doing etc. I am so afraid that he will hurt himself, someone else or worse yet one of us while behind the wheel. Any ideas would be helpful. I feel a myriad of feelings, guilt, resentment, fear. I don't think I would forgive myself if an innocent person gets hurt or killed because I had enough and couldn't stand my ground some more. HELP!

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Wow, it's scary that it's so easy for him to continue to drive! And I understand about an anti-social dad with poor hearing. My dad was exactly the same. He lost his hearing in later life because he'd worked on the flight line in the Air Force as a young man and they didn't wear hearing protection back then. But he was a pretty happy guy overall and would watch TV until 2 or 3 AM with the sound off. Loss of hearing (and your dad's case also eyesight) makes for some isolating circumstances. I'm VERY careful of my hearing because I saw what a difference it made in my dad's life not to be able to hear (he also had expensive hearing aids but rarely wore them - unless I told him I wouldn't talk to him until he put them in). Stubborn old men, LOL! Good luck, you've got a real challenge on your hands. Maybe some other folks will have some better suggestions.
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Thank you Nancy and Blannie. Believe it or not I called GEICO and told them the entire situation right before his renewal. I implored them to non renew his coverage which would have been a godsend in this nightmare. No, got the renewal with a very small increase in premium. This is after 9 accidents and my call telling him of his new medical issues. As far as DMV even with the doctor's signature, they will not automatically revoke his license. They allow seniors to come in and retake the vision test. If somehow he passes that , he can drive. My father has memorized the eye chart before he goes up to the counter in the past and will do it again. However, my argument with DMV is that my father's other conditions preclude him from driving. Due to the cataracts, he is blinded by sun glare. He puts paper towels on the windows to block out the sun, but he also can't see through the paper. The eye chart at DMV will not show this limitation and he won't tell them and they don't listen to me. It is ridiculous how this beaurocracy puts all of us at risk. My father will definitely have accidents behind the wheel. He had 9 when his vision was beginning to fail. Now he can't see well at all. I am going to get the car out of the driveway ASAP. In addition blannie, my father will not go to senior citizen centers etc.. One, he is anti social by nature and now with his deafness he finds it hard to communicate with those he knows let alone strike up a new friendship. He can't hear at all and as such can't respond correctly, so he does not engage with anyone. He has hearing aids, but his deafness is caused by Paget's disease of the bone. His skull has increased in size and is pressing on the auditory nerve, therefore, hearing aids do not help at all.
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I agree with NancyH - get rid of his car in the driveway and get your brothers' support to do that. Maybe one of them can come and take it away, so you're not alone in getting it away from your dad. Get your brothers to vocalize their support for your dad not driving. Have them call the doctors if they will. Can his eye doctor provide the state with his eye exam results? I would think that would knock him out of driving.

Is there a way you can get your dad involved in some alternate activities (using the car service to get him there) so that he has things going on that he can look forward to? Adult day care? Senior center activities or activities through a church group? Sounds like he needs "diverting" into other things that will keep him busy so he's not obsessing over his car. Good luck, you've got your hands full. It sounds like you're a wonderful daughter who is very proactive in doing all you can for your dad. It's too bad he's not appreciative of how much you're doing for him.
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Do you still have his car in the driveway? If so, sell it or move it out of sight. He has GOT to stop beating a dead horse with the driving idea. I'm assuming you have the legal right to talk to his doctor? If you do, tell he/she that when your father goes behind your back and gets a car, and he's in an accident that kills himself or someone else, you're holding THEM responsible. They need to sign whatever it is that you will give them from the DMV that says your father can NO LONGER DRIVE. No insurance company is going to insure him when he's legally blind. How stupid is that? So I'd make that my first priority, to lay it on his doctor. It's an awful thing to have to give up your independence when you can no longer drive. It stinks. Sorry for your dad.
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