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Hello - my dad has dementia. Mid to late stage. My husband has durable financial POA. I am listed as secondary. Mom is not listed anywhere as able to make decisions for him. Mom is in AL and somehow thinks she’s independent. She hasn’t been independent in years with crisis after crisis. Anyway, sister is medical POA. My Husband has financial POA for mom too but it’s not durable. It ends when she’s incapacitated or her life ends.



I think this means mom can change her mind and give the honor (ha, ha) of paying her bills to somebody else if she wants to. Like my sister. Dad can’t though. It’s too late - he can’t change his mind unless she were to get guardianship.



Because their finances are combined, mom can’t easily change it to my sister because my husband is dad’s fiduciary and it would not be in dad's best interest, right?



can you separate a married couple's finances so we can be sure dad has enough to stay in memory care even if mom spends through the rest? If mom ends up on Medicaid, I’d like to protect dad (who earned every single one of those dollars).



anybody experienced with this?

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Lmkcbz: Seek the services of an elder law attorney.
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Elder Law Attorney, ASAP.
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Consult an elder care attorney ASAP. They usually give an hour of free consultation.

Do not get legal advice from this forum (or any forum). You can get info on what others have done, however you cannot base your decisions on that.

Find legal help in your area, specializing in elder care.
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I’m waiting to see the answers. I am personally in the same situation with my sick bed bound wife. Any moment things can take a change for the worse. I have even investigated divorce but the gov will still considered us married for 5 years. There is no solution unless you planned early. I am only 62 but my wife could easily wipe out all our finances leaving me in the poor house the rest of my life.
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Suggest you confer with Elder Care attorney to dot all the " i's" and cross all the "t 's" ..... Complicated times we all travel through....
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I agree with BarbBrooklyn. Yes, legal advice is expensive. But well worth it for your peace of mind that you are doing what's necessary and best to protect both of your parents, as well as yourself. You don't want unpleasant surprises, now or in the future. I'm also wondering why your husband has the POA and not you, even if he has more financial expertise. But a good estate lawyer can advise you on that, too. Do you have a Health Proxy for your parents? Or does your state have a special health POA? You need one of those, for sure, so you can speak and act for your parents in medical situations.
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Lmkcbz Dec 2022
Me and husband have Fpoa, sister has medical. Stupid all the way around because my brother is the one they is closest to them and has to go to appts with my father. My mother is a pill popper from way back and I think her paranoia/addicted behavior has driven some of her decisions. She thinks my brother owes her money (he doesn’t) and has held that against him for 20+ years. She doesn’t trust him, by her own admission, though he shows up for her near daily. You don’t have to be on this site for long to realize how many of us have dysfunctional families and siblings that don’t see eye to eye. Seems the one constant for all of us!

none of the decisions that were made make a lot of sense, but they are the decisions and we’re trying to live with them.
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Why does your husband have control of your parents money, rather than you and your sister or a neutral party?
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Lmkcbz Dec 2022
Husband has it because my mother has always been paranoid and “private,” and she trusts him. The 3 kids (I am the middle) were all happy she decided to trust SOMEONE. Both parents agreed back when we set it up that my sister wasn’t the best choice given she’s never had a job or money.
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Your description of your husband's POA for Mom makes no sense. It ends when she's incapacitated? What's the point of that? Under what conditions would this POA go into effect? (And for the record, all POAs end with the death of the person who granted it.)

You don't say what's going on with Mom specifically. Is she spending money in crazy amounts? If so, it sounds like she's not competent to handled her affairs. Have you had her tested for cognitive abilities? If she's still somewhat competent, have you ever talked to her about how much easier it would be if your husband just took over all the finances because then he could know what the bank balances were, deal directly with the bank, etc. etc. (whatever you have to say to let her know how much easier it would be for HER).

By the way -- is SHE writing a check each month for her AL and any medical bills? If so, how's that going, and if not, it sounds like your husband is already kind of handling that for her.

You should indeed talk to a trust and estate attorney about this, but I think your husband should be able to kind of just slide into handing her finances without much trouble. I never had anyone actually ask me for proof that my mother wasn't competent to handle her finances.
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BarbBrooklyn Dec 2022
A "general POA" is one that ends at incapacitation or death. This is NOT a durable POA.
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You very much need to engage with a qualified eldercare attorney in mom and dad's state to evaluate this complex situation so that both of your parents can get the care they need.
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Lmkcbz Dec 2022
Thank you! I’m in Wisco but my parents are in South Carolina. The more time the goes on the more I don’t even know the questions to ask. I am sure I can meet with an elder care lawyer via zoom in SC though.
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