POA: How to convince Mom it is a good thing?

Maybe making an appoitment with a lawyer might work, but I think you need to identify somebody your Mother still trusts and respects. It could a another relative, friend, neighbor, or clergy. You can explain your situation to one of these person and ask for their help in procuring your Mother's POA consent. It should be done in a gentle and non-coercive manner. If all else fails you will need to review with an elder care lawyer steps for legal guardianship.

Kstolzen: Her reading of the tarot cards should not be used per se for decision making, of course. Also, you do not use your financials for her care.

All good thoughts from others. It occurs to me that the problem may be in your approach. First while of course having a POA in place helps you, think about what it helps you do, it helps you help your mom. Actually in many ways it enables you to help or care for your mom. The ability to sell her condo doesn’t “help you” pay for her care it may enable HER to pay for her care even if you are actually doing the finances. You are not responsible to pay for any of her care or living and in fact should not do that with or without POA. Her money is for her care, when there isn’t enough you file for programs that help, on her behalf and don’t support her financially while that’s being done.

Making you her POA simply gives you the ability to help her take care of things at her direction, she still has full control and a DPOA gives you the ability to take care of things for her in the event she is incapacitated or unable to herself. Although we talk about dementia causing the need for a DPOA here most often, it isn’t the only reason a person might become incapacitated and in case the thought of dementia is what makes your mom shut down you could mention some of the other circumstances. What if she fell and was un-conscious or needed surgery and subsequent rehab or had a stroke and wasn’t able to pay her bills, take care of her financial affairs, keep her house running or make decisions for her own care? Who would she want to do those things for her until she was able to do it again? Without appointing a DPOA there will be no one able to take care of these things for her. When she gets married again of course her husband will be able to and maybe the POA could even be written that way if the attorney thinks it prudent but if something happens next week…

I wouldn’t burst her bubble about a new husband or the wisdom of the tarot cards I would treat it as she does but what about the possibilities between now and then?

Not having the legal ability to take care of things for her and take care of her should something happen is placing a much bigger burden on you than needing you to take over some of these things. I’m not sure if you have medical authorization but a POA that incorporates that as well or additionally a MPOA depending on her state is key as well or you won’t be able to get information on her condition or consult on her treatment if she is unable to tell you. Whatever ones age in situations like a trip to the emergency room or stay in the hospital there is far too much information to consume when you are the actual patient and having someone there to help you with that is key. Until she is married again she probably needs you to be that person so she needs to make that official. It will make things so much easier for you if anything should happen and will set your mind at ease now.

Talk to mom about someone who got sick and was unable to tell drs and other what she wanted - POA and Med POA can help you speak up for her.

If mom has no money and had to go to facility care, she may qualify for Medicaid without the house counting. More than likely with mental decline, she won't be able to go to an assisted living environment - would probably be NH with a memory care unit (for her protection).

The POA's can make decisions easier for you, however with things she is already saying to you that are not realistic, she may not be in a position to sign legal documents for you. You might need to talk to an elder attorney about the situation.

Seems your mother may already be past the point of signing a POA legally. You can apply to become her legal guardian. Check with a local lawyer that specializes in elder law to get the best advice on how to proceed.

Tell her the POA protects her new husband or will be insurance until the new husband magically appears. You won't be using it while she's still competent (fingers crossed behind your back), and it'll be voided when the new husband comes along.

Tell her whatever you need to tell her, because talk about tarot cards and new husbands are already signs of dementia.

I only got my mums POA just before she declined with dementia and delirium and it has been a godsend as she has went right downhill and you need this for almost everything now like your mum mine was the same and said no all the time I said well if you take unwell and can’t manage they will put you in a home and you or I won’t have a say in it anymore and they will put you anywhere so that worked it’s a must that you get this done good luck

Sorry, but if she believes in Tarot cards giving her advice, she already can't make sound decisions. Honestly, it doesn't sound like much of a case other than "let the cards fall where they may." When she has an event and can no longer manage alone, you do what you can with the help of a social worker, just make sure she knows a stranger will not make the same decisions based on love, that you would.

Tell your Mom that if she doesn't do this the State will come in, married and with a tarot deck or not, and take over all her care and all her finances. Tell her they will place her in a nursing home wherever they want and whenever they want and that you as her daughter will not be able to protect her. Tell her that if this happens you won't even be able to visit.
If you want Assisted Living, yes, the condo would need to be sold. Nursing home would be cheaper, but not as nice, and her home could remain an asset until after her death when the state would try to do clawback to get the funds expended through medicaid.
You and Mom should see an elder law attorney. She is not diagnosed now, so this is the time.
If she won't cooperate at all,then when she IS diagnosed it is up to you if you believe you are CAPABLE and if you WANT and understand all that is entailed in being her conservator or guardian. That would be a court procedure. With an unwilling and uncooperative elder I myself would not take this on. It's difficult enough with a well organized and cooperative one.

Make the appointment with a lawyer… she will probably listen to him before you… tell her she needs a will , get it all done…

My brother and I took mom to an elder care lawyer to get her will updated. As part of the service he wrote up POA and living will. This was long before she needed it. It worked out great. Undid last will in which my uncle was executor. They had had a falling out anyway. Now mom is in memory care and her brother is also in AL.

It sounds like she's closer to dementia than it might seem. Be prepared to talk to her soon about what a durable medical and financial POA actually means. Your state's bar association should have information online. If she repeats that she doesn't need one because a man is going to come along you might tell her that this gentleman would probably appreciate you "taking care of everything" and if he wished to become her POA agent, you would help him arrange it. Then let her know gently that if these documents are not in place and she did need someone to care for her it would mean petitioning the court for someone, you probably, to get guardianship and conservatorship. This is time consuming, embarrassing, and expensive. Consider a visit to an attorney but take her with you. Don't meet with the attorney alone. Elder attorneys are usually pretty savvy about the mental capacity of potential clients and can advise you. Make sure she has all her other estate planning documents: will, advance directives, HIPAA forms, living will.

In the U.S., if your mom has no PoA and then becomes too cognitively impaired to make decisions in her own best interests, you eventually will either need to pursue guardianship of her through the courts (very expensive and time consuming) or wait for the county to acquire guardianship. If this happens, you won't be in control of any of the management or decision-making for her medical or financial affairs (including what happens to her condo). If appropriate they wil transition her into a facility and she'll receive the care and attention she needs, and you can carry on your relationship with her, just with no insight into her affairs.

Without a PoA, and if she needs AL, you won't be able to force her to go. If she's living in her own condo, you will need to report her to APS and when things get "bad enough" they will move for guardianship. The process can differ by state, but this is basically what happens.

Point out to her that creating a standard POA that allows you to act on her behalf, with her permission, will in no way interfere with Fate but may come in very handy e.g. allowing you to carry out errands that would be inconvenient or very difficult for her; so what has she got against it? Find out what her reservations are, and really listen.

Next, read up on POA, and don't tell your mother taratiddles e.g. that she can revoke it at any time. If it's the sort you need to get her into AL when she is still determined to wait at home for her prince - i.e. a springing durable one - she won't be able to revoke it once it's in effect and that's kind of the point of them: they're designed to protect people with advancing dementia from their own catastrophic decisions.

You don't convince her. You make an appointment for her to see an elder law attorney. Let the attorney do the convincing and preparation of any documents. Don't ever download legal forms. They may not be legal format for your state.

And the POA needs to be notarized. You cannot just hand her a form and expect her to sign it. She is suspicious and if I were told to sign something that way, I wouldn't sign it either.

You can be proactive and make an appointment with an elder law attorney. Don't wait for her to agree to it. Tell her whatever it takes to get her there. Once there, the attorney will take her and interview her privately to assess her ability to comprehend what creating a PoA will mean for her and also to get her away from any outside pressure to create one. This meeting may give you your answer. If she is able and willing to create a DPoA, you then need to know what will activate your authority. Usually it is one or two diagnosis of cognitive/memory impairment. After she creates her DPoA, take her in for an exam and discretely ask the staff to give her a cognitive/memory exam (and also test for a UTI to discount this). At this point you'll have a general baseline for her capacity.