Please help me. I need help with my mother!! I am at my wits end!!

I went with my mother to her doctors appt today. She got a clean bill of health. Her toe looks fine. But when it was time to go she started arguing with me about something and she told me to shut up. I got in her face and said don’t tell me to shut up again!! She got ready and we left. She was ok in the car so I said are you up for going out to dinner? (We had planned on going after her appt) she said yes. We each had one drink with dinner. We were at the restaurant for 2 1/2 hours already and she wanted to write a birthday and have me mail it. I said ok. She starts moving her dishes away for 10 minutes. I said cmon let’s write the card. She says I gotta go the bathroom first. I said cmon let’s go to the bathroom and write the card at your house. She mumbled something about why do I want to be her caregiver? I said I’m NOT your caregiver!!! You won’t let me do anything!! She was pissed. Get away from me she says!!! I tried to take her arm and she said get away from me!!! She went up to these 2 women eating dinner and she asked if they could take her to the bathroom. I said to them I am her daughter and she is always pissed at me. My mother swung her purse and hit me in the leg with it!!! She used a chair to push to get in the bathroom. I should have called the cops on her. But i didn’t. I sat back down. She finished writing her stupid birthday card. Now she’s all happy and let’s me take her arm. It’s not just me anymore. The nurses said they tried to take a Kleenex out of her that was shoved up her sleeves. She yanked her arm and yelled no. The call a bus driver said WHO she gets mad doesn’t she??? He rode alone with her. She made him turn around and take her back home to get her pills to take to the doctors office. I am starting to see it’s not just me. She tantrums when she doesn’t get her way. She tells me in the restaurant that I make her feel small. I told her you make me feel like a piece of shit!!! This is all going on in the restaurant!!! I just dumped her ass off home. I’m fuming!!! The best part is when she says I never give anyone a hard time!! DENIAL!!! She gives EVERYONE a hard time!!

Needhelpwithmom, I know exactly what you mean. Thank you for responding!! Her whole demeanor changed from good to nasty at the doctors office. The doctor wanted her to sign a do not resuscitate order if she goes to the hospital and her heart stops beating. She doesn’t want to face or acknowledge that she isn’t going to live forever. She signed it. The doctor left. Then my mother just starts picking away at me over nonsense. Instead of her saying I’m afraid to die or break down and cry where I would have compassion for her, she just picks an argument with me. I know it’s just a matter of time here I will have to call APS on her. I’m always making excuses for her. I don’t want to ruin the holidays. I know how much she wants to see my son for thanksgiving.

Needhelpwithmom, her mom, my grandmother never acted like this either!!! She died when I was 21 years old but I think about her every day. I almost said to my mother “ you were never a caregiver to YOUR mother!! But I didn’t say it. My grandma was in a nursing home and she was kind and nice and never screamed. I always felt safe with her. I keep her with me in my heart every day.

Will you speak to her for me lealonnie? I wish I had your backbone!! I really do. I feel like I’m getting closer to doing what you tell me to do because I am AWARE of it now. I use to be oblivious and not aware. I feel like I am getting closer. Closer to blowing her in to APS or perhaps the COPS. I was also glad that the 2 women who were sitting there did not JUMP UP to help her. I told them I was her daughter and she is always pissed at me. That’s when she NUDGED me with her purse to QUIET me down. The woman said enjoy the rest if your evening and kept on eating. My mother grabbed a chair and used it as a walker to get to the bathroom. She gave the nurses a hard time. My mother told me that the nurse told her if you don’t let me draw blood you won’t be going home tomorrow. So she agreed. The last time she was in the hospital she refused a test that the doctor ordered and he marched right in his room and said if you don’t have this test done, you won’t get anything to eat or drink till Monday. Needless to say it was only Friday. She agreed to the test. So I see how she pulls it with other people and they don’t put up with her bullshit. I know. You are right. I have to put my foot down.

If anyone, my mother included, ever told me to shut up in a restaurant, I would get up and leave.

Why do you put up with her BS, Elaine? Why are you afraid of her? Channel that doctor the next time she acts out.

If social services says she's fine enough to manage her own affairs, then leave her to do so

Glad her toe is fine. You probably saved her from sepsis. Get on with living YOUR life and leave her to hers.

I know barbbrooklyn, you are so right. My mother told me that I make her feel small. I told her that SHE made ME feel like a piece of shit. I should have called her a cab and left. Then went home and called APS. Maybe next time.

There is an interesting dynamic that I see sometimes between older moms and their daughters.

We ( the daughters) have had many more opportunities in out lives. We are better educated, have had careers, are often financially independent. Our moms got sold the post WWII hooey about staying home and having a perfect family. I think there is some jealousy going on!

That being said, most people who feel that they are being made to feel small have a problem inside their own heads. They lack the "me-ness", the sense of self worth that most of us acquire through a fortunate combination of okay parenting, good supportive mentoring relationships and a worthwhile endeavor like a job, whether paid or volunteer. Our self image does not shift with the immediate approval or actions or others.

I believe that you've said that your mother has previously diagnosed mental illness? Does she have Borderline Personality Disorder?

Barbbrooklyn, no she has an undiagnosed mental illness. She went into a psychiatric facility in the mid 1970’s. She was giving harassing phone calls to her in-laws. At the time he was a conservation officer and couldn’t have his number unlisted. She was relentless in screaming over the phone with her brother n law and sister n law. They called the cops on her after months of this bull. I’m pretty sure my father told them to call the cops. She was court ordered to go to a psychiatric facility for 30 days. She went. Nobody ever talked about it when she got out. One big secret. Later on in life she told me she had anxiety and depression. But I think she has bipolar because of the severe highs and lows. That was the only time she ever got HELP for it. Back then all they did was sedate her. She’s always been this way. She just never treated me this bad before. She was always screaming at someone else. She got kicked out of stores before because of her behavior. There is a part of me that feels bad for her. That’s why it is so hard to let go of her.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dirty-secret/201011/compulsive-hoarding-beyond-the-crazy-cat-lady%3famp

Elaine, read the above article when you get a chance.