I am not sure how to categorize this situation because it’s so complicated.
My father is not in the best of health. (80, uses a walker, heart issues/pacemaker, hearing aids) His wife is also in poor health. (73, walker, kidney failure, has been on dialysis for about 5 years, gets winded very easily, very sedentary)
Nephew #1 (35) moved in with them about 3.5 years ago just before his son was born, mother is not too involved at this point. Nephew and baby momma are not fit to raise a child. Momma went to live with her parents and sees child a few times a month, needs others around to help.
Fast forward, nephew does not care for the child, my parents do. Nephew can’t hold a job (he’s lazy and a habitual liar). When he moved in, he brought bed bugs that they were never able to get rid of. He does not pay rent or utilities. My parents paid for him to get a certification in auto repair and he flunked out of the program. He told my parents he was “not cleared to go back to school” after having a seizure (the seizures aren’t real, they are psychosomatic per doctor diagnosis).
Basically, he’s a deadbeat leach. My father knows it and it drives him crazy. His wife knows he lies, but tends to believe most of what he says, even though it makes no sense. Oh, and they gave my nephew their 2nd car.
Nephew #2 (28) is also a leach. He’s a drug addict with (shocker) a horrible credit score. So my parents rented him an apt in their name. I’m sure you can imagine how that went. To help him even more, they bought him a used truck and trailer to help him out with his job. Nephew does not have a drivers license. Both truck and trailer were destroyed in two separate incidences. Nephew then buys another used truck (not sure where he got the money) that needed a new transmission that cost 6k. Again, I wonder where he got the money for that. (Sarcasm)
My father never wanted my nephews living with them and clearly expressed this to me. But his wife makes all the decisions and controls the finances. When I say “controls” I mean my dad doesn’t get to see what’s happening at all. Basically, whatever she says goes. Wife is also emotionally and verbally abusive to my father. She is a nasty woman who gives the boys everything despite my father’s protests. She recently told my father to “stop being so negative” when my father got angry at nephew 1 for not taking care of his son. She told my father he is aggravating nephew’s seizure disorder. (ummm… what?!) Nephew 1 also gets verbally abusive with my father when he tells him to get out of bed and take care of his son (picture a 14 year old who doesn’t want to get out of bed to do chores).
This is very difficult for me to watch. My father is very unhappy and expresses this to me regularly. He’s even thought about leaving his wife but he’s 80 and they are both in poor health. Wife is 100% dependent on my father financially. He feels caught between a rock and a hard place.
I should probably add that nephews’ father (my brother) is no longer with us. He was not a great father either (drugs and alcohol were involved) and my parents raised the boys from a young age. One was 5 when they got him and the other was an infant. Both nephews have failed to thrive on their own. Nephew 1s mother lives close by but is no help at all. Wife never had children of her own.
Is there anything I can do in this situation? Some people might say it’s my father’s fault for staying, but I get the impression he’s got battered spouse syndrome. Please help me figure out a way to help my father.
Yet your father keeps making these mistakes and there's apparently no way to talk him into other ways of thinking.
I don't see anything good coming of your inserting yourself further into the situation. If you get Adult Protective Services involved, maybe they have the power to help dad and stepmom. I'd give them a call and then keep my distance, if I were you. The last thing you need is bedbugs.
I really wish there was more help for you, but it's gone so far that there's no helping them unless APS has answers. There could be some sort of elder services office where they live, so my last idea is to Google around and see if there is. Good luck!
And legally, if the house is in Dad's name only... But the emotional thing will keep him from expelling the leaches he basically raised (?)
Bringing in outside help may drastically change things for all of you; especially if a guardian needs to be appointed. Would you be able to do that or put them in the care of the State? But that drastic step might bring your Dad - and you - peace of mind and environment.
They recently (2 weeks ago) moved to a new place and got all new furniture in hopes of getting rid of the bugs. My dad said they’ve seen a couple bugs but they were isolated. I’m worried about the ones they HAVEN’T seen. I’m not convinced moving solved their problem. Time will tell.
To be honest, before nephew moved in they had a rat problem and before that they had a roach problem so I don’t think they keep the house very clean.
I don’t live in the same state and when I visit I don’t go to their house. I don’t want to pick up any hitch hikers.
My dad showers regularly and his clothes are clean. When I visited last my step mom smelled pretty bad like she has not showered in a while. She just got out of the hospital the day before. We were at church so I was surprised she didn’t shower.
Also, his wife is likely on her way out of the world— not that it’s an excuse. 5 years on dialysis is the usual life expectancy for that.
OP, the only person who can "fix" this is your dad. There is no government agency that is going to come in and make your dad (and I'm assuming stepmom) stop voluntarily financing your nephews. That's not within their authority to do. And the longer this has gone on, the less likely they will be willing to even try to pursue a legal case, because it shows a pattern of dad willing to financially assist. I know it sucks, having to stand by and watch it happen.
You say your dad expressed to you that he never wanted your nephew to move in when it first happened, Has your dad ever asked you, specifically, to help get all of the relatives out of his home? If not, if he's just venting about the situation, I strongly urge you to offer a sympathetic ear, without getting directly involved, at least until such a time that dad asks you directly for help. This is akin to an abusive marriage, in which the person being abused refuses to end the relationship with the abuser.
When someone is drowning, and you throw them a life preserver, if they knowingly swim away from it there's not much more you can do short of throwing yourself into the water, risking possibly drowning along with them.