Mother-in-law is 81 year old and was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia three months ago and Parkinson’s six months ago. My husband has been taking care of her and it has impacted our relationship significantly. He has to be with her all the time because she takes meds 7 times a day and she always forgets. The Carbidopa-Levodopa is tricky because she takes it 3 times a day and she can’t eat one hour before and 30 minutes after and it’s always a battle – she doesn’t understand why she can’t eat.
We want to take time off – 5 days – but she is very attached to my husband. We have a caregiver come in once a week and she barely tolerates the caregiver and will not take the meds from the caregiver and always wants the caregiver to leave.
If we have the caregiver come for 3 hours in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon, there’s a possibility that she will not let the caregiver in for either shift. Do we give the caregiver a key? This seems to be the most ideal but giving a caregiver a key is risky. Any thoughts on this?
Thank you in advance.
Look for a facility that offers respite care. MIL could go to this nice vacation house while you are away. It is EXPENSIVE, but sometimes they have "scholarships" available. This money should come out of mom's funds.
Absolutely do take that vacation! You both need it.
No matter how much time, devotion and love he puts in to his mother's care, the sad reality is that she is going to get worse. Over the last six months, he has been unconsciously training himself to believe that if only he tries hard enough he can save her, and that only he can comfort her. Neither is true. You need to snap him out of this pattern of thinking or quite apart from current difficulties her eventual, inevitable end is going to lay him waste.
The compromise visits don't sound adequate, though - it would be much better (and less of a worry for the two of you) to find a facility offering respite breaks, if you possibly can.
You are going to one place and she will be going to an "All Inclusive Resort" then schedule respite at an Assisted Living facility that you MIGHT consider placing her in at some time in the future.
She will get the care that she needs, she will have some socialization, she will get the meds she needs on the schedule that needs to be followed.
When I placed my Husband in a Memory Care facility for respite I think the cost was $150 a day. He had been going to the same place for Day Care so he was used to the routine as well as the staff. He adjusted quite well.
You all need a break.
Take your Vacation and enjoy yourselves.
Don't worry, emergencies rarely happen and most small incidents can be solved by phone.
Does her doctor know how resistant she is to anyone other than your Husband? It sounds as though there is some level of anxiety/agitation going on that should be addressed.
I also agree with those she needs to be in a facility; probably memory care which is the only one with a lock-down policy. Not cheap but she needs to be safe; she needs her meds in a particular order and this will be the only way you can leave town knowing she's going to be fine. Good luck!!
With regards to the facility, I've thought of that as well but my husband thinks she will never agree to leaving her place, even if it's just 5 days. I am definitely re-thinking this option though.
Thank you!
If you trust caregiver give her the keys, if you MIL can still answer the phone make caregiver call and let her know is coming in.
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