Hello everyone! I am a 31-year-old woman who feels that she needs to move out of her 83 yr old mother's house for the first time ever. I feel like I'm suffocating and the longer I stay here, the more bitter I feel towards my mother. My mother has some health issues and was hospitalized twice this year, but seems to be in better health now. She suffers from heart disease and diabetes. She had a heart attack late June of this year and has since sworn off going to the hospital and taking any of her medication.
Our relationship is not the best at the moment; she does not like me for who I am, believes I am mentally ill, and think that it's strange that I only have 3 real friends. Without her saying it, I think she's implying that because I'm so difficult to be around (I'm not), no wonder no one likes me. I've also delivered my share of toxixity; whenever she insulted me or swore at me or called me a b****h, I would curse back at her. She hates when she's yelling at me and I hang up the phone with her or if I walk away. She gaslights me frequently, and if I call her out on anything she says she will deny it and say it never happened.
Yet despite all this, she doesn't want me to move out. She still has a son who's never left and he's 51. I've tried to move out twice in my life and failed when I was guilt-tripped back into the fold. Even now, I feel like I'm doing something awful, as though I am abandoning my mother. But another part of me knows that I can't continue to stay here and deal with the dysfunction. I don't know, maybe I am mentally ill for wanting some peace and independence. I've never even had a door to my room so it goes without saying that I have absolutely no privacy here. When I asked my mother if a door could be placed there (and I would pay for it), she told me that the structure of the walls would make it impossible.
Some background on me. I was adopted at a very young age so that's why there's such a huge gap between my mother's age and mine. I am capable of being financially independent; despite living in my mother's house for this long, I don't ask my mother to do anything for me. I also contribute a lot of my money towards the necessities of the household and bills; I am not living there for free. I am the first in my family to graduate with my master's degree. My mother was a helicopter mom growing up who demanded that I succeed and excelled at everything I did. She did get me anything I wanted for like my birthday or holidays. Overall, I would say her care of me was incredible, given that she chose to raise a child to the best of her ability at age 53./. So from her perspective, she would see my actions as a betrayal towards her and not showing appreciation for all the sacrifices she's made raising me and my siblings.
I currently live in the Bronx and the home I want to move into is in the Bronx also; it's a 15 minute car ride. I will be moving in with a male friend of mine, so I know that will also cause contention. My older brother (51M), his wife(50F);and their daughter (20f) live with my mom as well, and each person works full time jobs
I guess what I'm looking for is words of wisdom from this community and some advice from those who have experienced something similar.