I plan to move in with my boyfriend by the end of the year, but his father (75) lives with him and I cannot stand this man. How do I handle this? - AgingCare.com

I plan to move in with my boyfriend by the end of the year, but his father (75) lives with him and I cannot stand this man. How do I handle this?


As things stand now my bf and I barely have any private time as it is. He has a young daughter that is with him 2 days during the week and every other weekend. He also has 8 grandchildren that are over often. The kids are fine. The custody arrangement is fine. But his father... He is an attention whore. He doesn't clean up after himself EVER, he says rude and things to us and to others. He doesn't respect my bf at all. He has no respect for privacy. He is constantly seeking attention. If we have a party or people over for dinner, this man doesn't understand that we want to do these things without him. If he were a nice man, helpful, funny...it wouldn't be an issue. But this guy will crap on the toilet and not clean it up, and when confronted about it will say he didn't notice. He knows, he just doesn't want to clean it. If he were ill, I could understand it, but he is not ill. He is capable of driving. He may be losing it a little as he ages, but honestly, I think he has always been this way. He is so rude to our friends. If we are watching a movie and we ask him to join us, he will consistantly talk through it, OR WORSE he will stare at us back and forth throughout the movie, waiting for an "in" to talk about whatever. I would be more compassionate about this situation if the man was good to his son, but he isn't. He is a leach who will talk behind his son's back and mess with the relationships with the kids. I cannot stand this man. However, he is not going anywhere...and I can accept that, but I need to find a way to cope with him in a polite manner so my relationship with his son and I doesn't suffer. Also once I move in, I don't want to be this mans slave. My bf will do most of everything, but I obviously will be a part of the family, thus I will step up and take care of things. But I don't want to do this with resentment in my heart. I want to be gracious and kind. How do I do this when all I want to do is drive him to the nearest iceberg, set him on it, and give it a good push out to sea. LOL!
I am a loving, caring, tolerant person....truly, but this man is a handful of annoyance I have never experienced before. And trust me, I have some annoyances in my family too. Usually I can deal with difficult personalities, but again...this guy is an anomaly.
I am seeking advice now because I want to start implementing coping skills now before I move in. I love my bf and even though I do not like his father, he still is his father, so he will have a place in our home as long as he needs to. So I want to make sure I am ready with coping mechanisms and advice on how to manage this situation so everyone's privacy is respected without being rude or resentful.
Open for advice, lots and lots of advice. Thank you in advance.

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STOP! Why would you willingly take on this dysfunctional family dynamic? If you can't stand the man now imagine having to bump into him in the bathroom at 1:00 am, or over the breakfast table, or when you an BF want some cuddle time after a long day. No going back home to get away from him, just taking his crap 24/7 for the next 5, 10 or 15 years.
And I think your BF likely has an unhealthy relationship with him because he allows his behaviour and allows a relatively young senior to mooch off him and interfere with his daily life. I think it is doubtful that your concerns will ever take priority over his father's desires, Love doesn't conquer all except in fairy tales.
Helpful Answer (16)

Think with your head and not your hormones. Do not move in.
Helpful Answer (10)

Keep dating your bf but DO NOT move in with him! Why put yourself in the middle of this ... you're not this man's daughter-in-law! Why do that to yourself?
Helpful Answer (8)

Evolving, DON'T DO IT! I speak from experience, having allowed my 74 year old FIL, to move in with us 13 years ago (now 87!), and Everything has DEVOLVED from that point! Every little annoyance will become an even bigger annoyance, once you move in, and it will continue to become worse from there!

He will continue to age in place (and so will you), and soon, as the things he can currently manage on his own, will slowly dwindle, and you will be picking up the pieces. Cooking, cleaning, his banking, driving, all his appointments, and then getting him to those appointments, as soon he will no longer be able to drive, especially as you will be doing everything for him except eating, pooping, and sleeping. EVERYTHING! That is what old people do, they become more and more dependant, and they suck the life out of you!

You mentioned "OUR HOME", But it's not our home,  it's his home, he was there first,  and you would be the "INVADER"!

And what of your Love Life, your cuddle time, Out The Window, because if he needs to be the center of attention, he will block every opportunity of cuddling, kissing and SEX to interfere, as this take away his center stage, That, and your Sweetie may well be uncomfortable with being Romantic, in his Father's vicinity.

His child and grandchildren, while kids can bring an unbelievable amount of love, enjoyment and entertainment, they also bring an incredible amount of responsibility, and while you may love them and feel up to the task, they too, become obstacles that are ever changing, and require untold patience. And while you may feel up to the task in a normal environment, the constant interference from his Dad, might well force the children (innocent as they are) to take sides against you, and the situation may prove to become insurmountable!

 I know, as I've raised 4 kids, 2 of my own, and 2, my husband's, but because my situation is so much different, as my kids were raised and out of the house, before my FIL came to live with us, children can be a handful, especially when they are not your own, and you also will have the "other" parents and personalities to contend with.

I just don't not see, where you moving in is a good idea, so why would you put such strain, on an already pretty good relationship, when if you kept things as they are, let them progress in the natural course of time, letting your BF contend with his Dad, his kids and Grandchildren, and enjoy what time you 2 can steal away, without putting such a strain on your relationship, and put a huge target on your back, which Will Soon break, adding in all these different relationships.

With the way things currently stands, him being able to come to Your home, doesn't it actually give him a break away from the stressors of His life, a place to go (or stay) and time for the 2 of you, and just see how things, all these other things and relationships play out?

Why would you give up your security of a safe and quiet place, to enter into what will be utter chaos? I would highly recommend you stay put, and continue to be a support system for your hunny! From a distance! Good Luck!
Helpful Answer (8)

Red flags everywhere. Think highly enough of yourself to NOT move in!!!
Helpful Answer (7)

Many marriages today are package deals. "You take me, you take my children." I had a blended marriage like that for nearly 40 years, and it was very, very good. Since we both had children, we both understood the parent/child tie and accepted being a shared top-priority. We bought a house together (neutral ground, with both families being owners). We bought it in the school district so that his children wouldn't have to change schools. Kids are a high priority! When all of the kids were out of school we bought a house outside of that area.

Your boyfriend has children. Of course their needs (especially the youngest one) are going to come first. And you should be first, too. This shared role can be a challenge. Having a child come and go in your house who is also being raised by another parent, with perhaps different standards and rules, can be a huge challenge. Can it work? Of course. But people getting a "package deal" when they marry should do so with their eyes open and with the knowledge that they will have to work on making it work!

Over and above the challenges of living with a man who has children, your situation throws a demanding annoying father-in-law into the package. Actually, not even a father-in-law, but an older man who is related to everyone else in the picture but not to you.

The only way I can see this having a chance of working (and it is a slim chance, in my mind) is to start fresh in a house or apartment that you've mutually chosen. The "take-me, take-my-children, take-my-father, and take-my-living-arrangements" package is just too overwhelmingly one-sided.
Helpful Answer (7)

I agree with everyone else's advice. If you move in, one day you will look back on today and think why did I not listen to those people.

Love does not conquer all. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't.
Helpful Answer (5)

I'm seldom speechless, but I'm having a hard time thinking of how to respond to this. All I can keep thinking is WHY, WHY would anyone even consider moving into this household? It is not as though you don't see the obstacles. You've told us all about them. And you still have to ask for advice?

Why can't boyfriend move in with you? Why can't you get a place together?
Helpful Answer (5)

Take it from me and every response here : there is no way on earth- and likely any other planet that has dementia ladled, narcissistic, declining, aged parents and in-laws - repeat - NO WAY - to learn and tune coping skills for the type of situation that you are deluding yourself into thinking you could accept. If there was, this site and its hundreds/thousands of participants would not exist. What makes you think you can learn the skills and develop the emotions and tolerances that have eluded all of us? If you love your boyfriend and want a future with him DO NOT move in while his father is living under the same roof.
Helpful Answer (5)

I asked how long the OP and her boyfriend had been in a relationship because I didn't want to jump to any conclusions. But okay then I will.

The OP says in her profile that the father is living in her home. Au contraire. At the moment the home is that of the boyfriend and his father. So she is planning to move in to his home. And winkle him out of it. And you all think this is a legitimate goal?

Then there is the Boyfriend. Who has a young daughter and - custody is mentioned - a discarded partner; this situation, we're told, is fine. Maybe. Isn't anyone else wondering why that earlier relationship came to grief? The OP certainly should be, if she knows she's born.

So is it in fact the case that the Boyfriend, on splitting with his former partner, moved back in with his father in order to have a home to support his application for shared custody of his daughter? Key question: whose house is this, anyway?

There are eight - count them - grandchildren regularly visiting. It's only a guess, but I'm guessing these kids are regularly visiting their granddad more than their uncle. Presumably they have parents who are also related to the dad - the Boyfriend hasn't produced 9 children, one trusts. So where are the other siblings? What is their contribution to the family whirl?

Evolving you'll leap to your boyfriend's defence and say what a wonderful man he is and devoted to you and you love each other and - what was that priceless phrase? - oh yes, your "bf will do most of everything" blah blah blah.

Don't be a moron. Step away from the loudly ticking parcel before it blows up in your face.
Helpful Answer (5)

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