Need to plan living arrangements for Mom and I. Any advice?

Follow
Share

I've been taking care of my mom and dad for 8 years. Since my dad passed away two years ago things have been tough financially and emotionally and my mom, who has dementia has deteriorated a lot. My mom lives with me and I am disabled. No family support. A nursing home isn't an option but I have to plan on us living somewhere more affordable. Thankfully we do qualify for subsidized housing and Medicare and Medicaid. Subsidized Housing has a waiting list of over a year. I am struggling to get help and resources to see places. I don't have transport and haven't been able to get support. This is constantly on my mind and I know the importance of it. I spent 3 months last year and 2 months this year making call am looking on the Internet and was just given the runaround and it became too much to deal wit that and day to day "stuff" - I feel between a "rock and a hard place", I'm burning out quickly. I spoke to 2 social workers and they both told me to keep doing what I'm doing. Most nights I don't have time to sleep. I don't think I need to tell anyone what it takes to care for a loved one and have to deal with my own health issues and not have help and support myself. There are only so many hours a day. If I didn't have my health issues I could probably work a lot smarter but I've spent too much time beating myself up for being sick. I'm overwhelmed with everything. I've tried to get help from the Alzheimer's association but they don't have any resources at all. I'm constantly thinking the "what if's" or more realistically the "what when?". Most times when I've asked for help I'm pretty much ignored which is pretty frightening. Do many people say that there is help out there then what am I missing?
Mom is my life and my whole world and despite all the negative and challenges we have and the life I've given up, I don't regret it at all and would do it all over again even knowing what I know today. The only thing I was completely unprepared for was the many relationship challenges I'd encounter on this journey and people I thought would be there for us turned out to be the first to disappear. I was not prepared for all the closed doors and isolation, not to this extent anyway. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get off the subject. I really don't know where to go or what to do regarding living arrangements. Having to deal with all the day to day stuff and getting through each day without drowning is all I have in me. Trying to make time to sleep is an issue I'm having now. When I get the much appreciated respite time I use that opportunity to catch up on "household stuff" reading on this website and to get some sleep.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
5

Answers

Show:
Was your Dad in the military during wartime? If so, your Mom woukd qualify for Aid and Attendance which would pay you to care for her.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I don't know what state or city you are in, but a NH was the best thing that happened to my mom. She likes it. She is clean, well fed, dressed, and has friends her age. At the rate you are going, your mom is going to outlive you. What are your plans for that? (It happened in my family.)

On the topic of your friends, they probably see what you are doing and they care very much about you. But, they can't sit by and watch you destroy yourself. Believe me, they have their own problems.

My sister was disabled with arthritis and gave up most of her happiness, to care for Mother. The stress killed her. Mother just went on, like nothing happened. We tried to tell my sister, but she wouldn't accept our advice. Mother is 95 and as healthy as can be expected. My sister was buried on her 70th b'day.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

It is good news that you are eligible for subsidized housing. That should help financially. Hanging in there until your name moves up to the top is the big challenge now, right? Until then are you using all the benefits you and Mom might be eligible for? Meals on Wheels, food stamps, handicap transportation -- anything to reduce other expenses so you can pay your rent?

Talk to your mother's Medicaid caseworker. Is there any possibility you could get paid for some of the care you provide? For example, if they do an assessment and determine that she is entitled to 12 hours of a personal care attendant per week, and it is work you can do with your disability (and are already doing, most likely) in some states Medicaid will pay a family member.

When you talk to the social workers who tell you to "keep doing what you're doing" do you tell them "I can't! I'm burning out. We don't have enough income for rent where we are! I'm exhausted and worried." ? They need to hear the truth to be able to help.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Would you consider respite care for your mom, just to give you time to research options for housing and to get yourself back on track with your mental and physical health? Could you get her in a nursing home for a month or two?

You know 1/3 of caregivers die before their loved one, because of the stress of caregiving. You do NOT want that to happen to you!

Have you contacted any faith communities to help you with transportation and/or support?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Okay, let's sort this out. First, what is your disabling condition? Second, why is a nursing home not an option? Third, is Mom on Medicaid, and are you? Who are these social workers you're talking to? And lastly, is your depression being treated?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.