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Dementia dad, his caregiver my mother is an alcoholic who had become verbally abusive to him. He did not know who she was (this became worse when she was mean to him), and wanted to throw her out. It was ugly every day. I am an only child, work 6 days a week, and tried to help the best I could. I live within walking distance of them. Mom basically told me to get rid of him and she never wants to see him again and she also threatened suicide. I arranged for an ALF nearby. I signed all of the papers as POA, lied to his face to get him to walk in there. I feel like I was forced to do the dirty work and it will haunt me forever. I am having bad dreams and hardly sleeping. My mother wants to be my friend but I will never see her the same way again.

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Upstream, after a couple of weeks after Dad gets adjusted to his new home, it will be interesting to see how he feels. On his good days he might be glad to get away from your Mom who sounds like she is very resentful that he got dementia, and that can be physically and emotionally draining on her. So now she will get some relief.

Your Dad will eat different cooking, meet the Staff, and maybe find a buddy or two to chum around with.

When my Dad moved from his house to senior living, I could see how relieved he was to get away from the house. Lot of memories of my late Mom having him do things that he shouldn't be doing at his age, like cleaning out the gutters at 90, or climbing ladders to change burnt out lights, or even doing yard work to which he would fall frequently.

Let us know how both your Mom and Dad are doing.
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It takes awhile to get yourself oriented when you've been under so much stress. I felt sort of out of it for awhile. Then, I got sick with a few things. My body really took a toll. I hope you don't get that.

But, getting more rest and more time to take care of yourself, will help. Even with my LO in AL, there's still a lot to do to keep check and ensure that she's getting proper care and what she needs. But, it's much better.

I sometimes think that family members take on the care of someone with dementia and they don't fully realize what the symptoms are. They think that a dementia patient is being stubborn, rude, contrary, manipulative, and they fail to understand that it's brain damage. It causes them to feel hurt and hold resentment. I read about that a lot. Maybe, since your dad is not in the home, your mom will change....?
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I am proud in that I did it all and I found a really nice place for him. I think I did a good job under the circumstances. I do feel that I did it under duress but that is probably common. My dad is fully ambulatory, just confused and paranoid, out of touch with reality, so it's sad to have to place him. He was still doing yard work and helping out around the house. Mother burned out, but their relationship over the years had pretty much been with her dominating and him doing what he was told. So when he got confused and weak this got much worse, to the point of abuse. Thank you for responding. I am waking around in a fog this week!
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I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with this.

When I placed my LO into a AL, I finally got a good night's sleep. I was overjoyed to have her placed, because then I was assured that she was getting her needs met, protected, under constant supervision, had access to quick medical care, regular meals, medication, etc. In fact, I am proud that I was able to help my LO that way. Her suffering without appropriate care is what kept me awake and broke my heart.

I hope you can find peace. I'm not sure what is wrong with your mother. Does she have cognitive decline or something going on with her? Did she just get overwhelmed with caretaking your father? That can happen. Sometimes, the spouse takes on too much with a person who has significant needs and they burn out. I hope you can find some peace and perhaps mend things with your mom, as much as possible.
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