I'm going to place my spouse in nursing home on Monday. Any suggestions?

justme and barking, virtual hugs from here. This is such an intense thing. Think about this: maybe none of us would really like being someone who 'got okay' with such a change so quickly. You do have to do what you're doing, it's not like you created this situation. many well wishes. 🌺

JustMe6, find a local dementia carers support group... they will be able to put you in touch with people who have been through what you are going for. You need support from people who understand, not anyone judging you, they have no idea.

Look after yourself. You did the best you could for as long as you could. You may not feel like it right now because you feel natural guilt, but you should be proud you kept him at home as long as you did. It's an exhausting and lonely and often thankless task.

Be at peace knowing he is in a place where he will be cared for by folk who understand the condition.

Space out your visits if he is abusive. Hopefully he will settle in and become calmer. Speak to the member of staff there that you trust/like the most about what they recommend visit wise short term.

Cruel cruel illness.
Take care of you now.

It has been 3 months since I placed my husband in nursing home. I cannot share with him most of the things I am doing. He tends to get really angry. His dementia is worse and I have been there everyday. The grieving that goes with him not being here with me has not gotten better. I keep thinking I will turn a corner to being more acceptable of the situation. I have considered counseling and I may do this if I can find somewhere that deals with all of this. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have started avoiding those who just want to put a guilt trip on me. It usually is someone who has no idea what a stressful life I am living. I would love to be able to give each one of you a hug. Consider yourself hugged.

Barkingdog, where would he end up if you died from a stress-related heart attack or stroke tonight? That's basically what happened in the case of my aunt, caring for my uncle. He lived, quite happily in memory care for three years after she died of a massive heart attack. She gave her all. Please don't do that to yourself.

I am about to place my husband and I'm feeling so guilty. I've been hearing for months that I need to get on a waiting list for the skilled nursing home but now that he's near the top of the list, I'm so anxious. Am I doing the right thing? Is it too soon - or right? He's in a wheelchair and can't be left alone, needs assistance with everything he does. He has Multiple Systems Atrophy, a progressive motor neuron disease where most of the body systems deteriorate. He also has some dementia. I am the sole caregiver and I'm burned out.

I know my answer comes too late, but one thing I might have suggested is to have a close friend or trusted neighbor go with you when you admitted him; that way you have some support and they can help ask questions or listen for things you might have missed in your anguished moments.

I would listen to the social worker and take her cue regarding visitation over the next few weeks as hubby adjusts and of course you adjust to the new normal. I'm sorry you are going thru this hard time, but try to stay positive and know you did the right thing -- you don't have to be anxious or fearful anymore...you can just be the loving wife and partner you want to be and leave the caregiving to skilled nurses and CNAs. Concentrate on making those moments special with little treats for both you and hubby.

I too had a hard time admitting my mother into a nursing home two months ago, it was one of the hardest things I had to do. Her aggressive behavior was making it difficult for me to care for her any longer. I was wearing down after caregiving for two other members of my family and my mother for twenty-nine years, so what I could not do anymore for her, I can see the nursing home nurses and added staff can. There are times that I miss her deeply and wished I had her at home but I know it would not be good for her. The adjustment for both of us is still very hard, healing takes awhile. Bless you for doing what you had to do and know it was the right decision. You are a wonderful person and have given" your all "in caring for someone you love deeply, what a gift to that person. Many hugs for you and know that I care, you are special!

Caregiving is one of the hardest things you will ever do.

And making decisions FOR another person, in essence, taking their own power/free will away WILL weigh on you heavier than anything else.

But if you move your ego out of the way, make every decision you are required to make FOR then and NOT for yourself, you will be doing the right thing and feel good about YOU when you look at yourself in the mirror.

enjo23 has it bang on the button.
Give yourself and hubby a little time to adjust. Follow social worker's advice.

What you need to do now is take very good care of yourself... you will feel a huge come down now that your body is not enduring all those stress hormones and adrenaline created by having to care full time for an abusive partner.

Just watch yourself, make sure you eat regularly, get out a little each day etc. You may feel a little under the weather, so take good care.

You are bound to feel sad/guilty/lonely... whilst there is a huge release, he was once your datling hubby. But you do get to visit, on your terms this time.

During this period of adjustment I'd keep posting on this thread with how you are feeling, or if you need advice/support/a rant.
Lots of lovely people on here who have been through what you are going through.

Great support resource.

Not sure if hubby alienated your girlfriends, or if you became isolated whilst caring?
Would be worth calling them up for support too, think they'd be very pleased to hear from you.

Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. Acknowlege it, and take it into your heart.
That way it won't consume you.
It's OK to be upset. Totally normal.

Love and a big hug
Niki xx

I'm so glad that it went as well as it did! Be kind to yourself. He'll get over the anger.

Amen to what cm said too - we cross posted.

Well done, xhausted. Amen to what glad said. Sometimes the right thing to do feels very uncomfortable, but you have to carry through anyway. This is a huge change for both if you and any change is difficult. My mother was very angry in the months before she was admitted to hospital and also afterwards. I stayed away as she wished. Not suggesting you do. She did not want to see anyone. Once she was on the right drug, she calmed down, her anger has dissipated largely, and now I can visit her peacefully. She is much happier than she has been in quite a few years.

You need to focus in yourself more now and rest in that your hubby is being well cared for and you both are out if danger. ((((((hugs)))))

Xhausted, you couldn't handle it any more. I'm not saying that as some kind of cheer-leading, just to be supportive. I mean, objectively, how on earth could you possibly go on as you were? I can't believe that anyone with any common sense, let alone humanity, about them would think ill of you in any way for making that incredibly hard decision.

Please give yourself time to adjust, and to recover a little from the terrible stress you've been living with. I hope you'll soon begin to feel reassured that you have done the right thing - and his settling in well is a good start. Hugs to you.

Xhausted, for now just try to make the adjustment to a more peaceful existence. I know you must be feeling a whole range of feelings. Go with a friend for coffee or lunch, just catch up. Read a book, nap. Youmhave done the right thing for you and hubby.

xhausted, think of it this way, you both are now in a safer place.... you were one person trying to do the work of many different people. It will take time, then once you are in a routine of visiting hubby and being able to do things for yourself, you will realize what you did was so very right.

it went ok as far as that goes. He was very angry at me as expected. I haven't been to see him sin ce social workers told me not to.I have called and they sound pretty positive- eating well-2 breakfasts this morning. I am tentative about going there but must soon . Really miss him- even all the anger!!!~ I never wanted to place him but found I couldn't handle it anymore.

Xhausted, please let us know how Monday went. We are all here to listen and support you.

I have three Shelties for just this reason. My husband can't communicate anymore, but the dogs sure do give out a lot of love for just about no rewards. They love without ceasing and they are wonderful and feeling. They know when I am happy and they know when I am sad. They mean everything to me at this point in my life!

I hope I won't exasperate anyone by intimating that an animal equates. I didn't get a husband or children in this life, so animals have helped me because they need us. I've been reading this thread because I'm touched by how hard this must be. I hope you all remember how lucky you are to have someone *to miss* at home, plus thank goodness he's still somewhere instead of gone all together. I wish you all strength and good luck.

Love samara's point! In most everyone's locality, there are 100 or more animals that sit in a shelter every day feeling like these folks say. It's extraordinary to turn around the fate for an animal that didn't ask to be here, and doesn't yet feel loved. You just be sure to get someone who's a match for you, or offer to just be a foster.

I wonder if any of you who are so lonely would benefit from a cat and/or dog? The dog is great because you must walk it 2-3x each day, and you will meet lots of your neighbors. Also you could train & be certified as a therapy animal, and visit hospitals & senior facilities. Just a thought. I at times have no one to talk to except my dog.

To Loving wife, You are so right about the grieving. Most days when I come home to an empty house I just sit down and have a good cry. When does this get better?

Thanks, Lovingwife, I expect the adjustment to be difficult and appreciate you sharing your personal experience. I am starting to have some of the same feelings. Yes, time will help.

My husband went into a care facility in early July, the guilt and pain has not left me yet, I have tried different things to break out of this funk by exercise, joining groups, taking little trips…but I always have to return to an empty house, no one wondering how my day went, no one there waiting for me….I visit him everyday or every other day for only an hour or so each time as it is hard to find things to talk about, sharing my outings with him makes him annoyed that I don't take him and talking about our house also makes him want me to bring him home…..so I try to avoid those topics. Placing him in a home does relieve you of the 24/7 responsibilities but leaves you with an emptiness that takes a lot of time and creativity to fill…..you are doing the right thing but be aware, the grieving feelings you will experience are normal and time is the great healer…..only how much we don't know…..hate this illness.

Just placed my beloved husband in a small residential care facility on Saturday. So far, so good but taking things one day at a time. I sure hope it works out as he can no longer stand on his own and is confined to a wheelchair. It wouldn't be safe for either one of us to have him at home. His loss of mobility is due to Lewy Body Dementia which he has in addition to Alzheimers. It's been a tough week!

You do not describe what medical issues he is having, and therefore it is not helpful to make assumptions when I don't know what they are. If you think you are losing your grip, you check yourself into a hospital to take care of yourself. If you fear for your life because your husband is threatening you, call the police. The fact a hospital would not admit him, he did not rise to the level of severity to be admitted.

I just recently went through the same thing (2 months ago). I have gone through every emotion imaginable. It is not easy to do this but I am now beginning to get in a routine. I have been there every day and cry every day. I know he is being taken care of but I still worry about if every thing is ok. We have had some problems(broken ankle) and you have to oversee his care. I still have some days wondering if I did the right thing but our family has been very supportive and they get me back on the right track. You need someone that you can just let all this come out when you have those days. I always listened to his sounds through the house and could always tell where he was but now the house is quiet and I have had to get use to this and it is getting better. I am getting rest and have a little time for myself. Having said this I am getting ready to go and ride ambulance with him to dr today. Everynight I pray for strength to be able to be there for him.

So what does it mean to put someone in Guardianship by the State? Do they assume financial burden? Do they take the person wherever they want to? I don't know anything about guardianship. Can anyone answer my questions?

Putting a loved one in a nursing home is very, very hard but sometimes it's all you can do to insure their safety and your sanity. Many of us know what you're going through -- at least in part -- and you have our concern and sympathy. Things will get better; give it time.

Agree with all the above. Your safety comes first.
Had to put my aunt in a home very recently, because she was wandering off (regularly found inthe road, cars near missing etc),and lighting the stove at 3am etc.
Your heart with soothe once he settles in. It may take a while and hemay be verbally abusive to start, but that is normal. Speak to the staff, they can guide you. And keep writing on here... this site is a fantastic source of support.

Nothing but love and support for you.
Big hug.