Has anyone placed your love one in a nursing home after the care became to much for you? - AgingCare.com

Has anyone placed your love one in a nursing home after the care became to much for you?

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I hear you, rubikat:) we are who we are, which also makes us caregivers to those who may not deserve us--if life were Fair. Life is a mystery, Dear One.
Blessings to you all.
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Hey there Christina, sounds like alot of us in the same boat.I think the shame of it all is that I would've loved to have had a great relationship with my mother, and could never understand why this never happened. I have jumped through hoops and done headstands to get her approval. To realise you will never have a loving relationship is hard. Ive often wondered why she turned out like she did, she came from a loving family etc, but always had a sense of entitlement and that she was just that bit better than others.
She has put me down all my life, and when I came to care for her I thought finally she has to approve of me doing this, but it just made matters so much worse. She admits its all about her, and I tell her that's fair enough, but according to this theory of hers that therefore means I can use this statement as well to forge a life for myself...this is where she trips up, and tries to say but you owe me. For what? If she wasn't my mother she would be a person I would avoid. But she is and that makes me care for her wellbeing. This is all. I do find myself falling into the trap over and over with my desire to have this 'loving mother' overrides any kind of logic at times, and leaves me drained, depressed and just not a nice person to know.
This will continue till the day she is not here, and I'm sure I will feel all the guilt of maybe I should've tried harder, but I hope that logic prevails and I dig myself out of that negative thought process. Sometimes understanding why a person is like what they are like, does little to help, and can make you sadder.
All I can do is my best to not be like this to my kids, and learn from mistakes..I gave my kids life, and I love them to pieces, they are far from perfect, but I do not own their lives nor would I hold them to ransom that they must care for me or I will make their lives hell, the thought they would resent me like I do my own mother just makes me shudder.
I am who I am, good and bad, but I have learnt that your loved ones are not pawns in some sick manipulative game of life, and you don't treat them so. Live and let live, you get one shot at this life thing, either get to the end with regrets and delusions about yourself, or give it a bloody good shot and get to the end with a feeling of pride and satisfaction you did good. I want to go in the ground being able to slide into the 6ft hole on my knees holding a glass of vino yelling...yeeharr what a ride lol
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Hey rubi an madge: Been reading your posts today. My Mother was like this: manipulative, selfish, never had time for her kids or grandkids, and I am the only one of 3 left who would fit care giving into my life, along with school, work, and community involvement. But, it is my nature to overcome, learn something new every day, grow, etc. I thought this would be a great character builder, but when it started effecting my health--enflamed nerves in both feet, patches of psoriasis, weight gain, interrupted sleep every night, resentment and loathing for my helpless siblings, neither of whom work or do anything for anyone but themselves--I decided, it's her or me.
Dementia does progress, and she does not have those manipulative tendencies anymore. It's only been a matter of months, but she does not put any pressure on me anymore. She is happy to see me and shows her appreciation, even though she is difficult to understand. Sometimes I feel badly that I could not do it in my home anymore, but then I quickly evaluate the reasons in my mind, and I remember that it was the only way to preserve my own life.
It is possible that everyone who reads this thread with difficult parents, will be able to get past the point of frustration and feelings of being manipulated. Your parents could have a change of heart about all sorts of things. When we are in the middle of it and we are tired and they are being awful, it's hard to realize that they will change.
They give up, eventually. I think we all would do what we need to survive, to hang onto autonomy, and life as we know it as self-sufficient adults. It must be fear that drives them in some ways.
I am happy I have been able to forgive my Mother. I still do not understand how she could have been the way she was when we were children, or how uninterested she was in her family, but something in her mind must have made her that way. I have accepted that she did the best she could according to her awareness and capability. I can do better, due to my awareness and ability, so I do.
All the Best to you.
Hugs, Christina
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I have had one of those life changing moments with my Mom. About four years ago before my Dad passed away, she put my brother on her POA and left me out. I was not to be told how much money she had and she even made up a lie to my brother that I had asked my Dad for money to feed my kids. Of course Dad was dying and couldn't give his 2 cents worth. It was life changing. I took a few steps back and thought "who is this woman". And by the way, my husband is a college educated professional and savvy investor who has never been broke. Her lie was just that, a lie, to keep me from knowing what she has. we put 3 girls through college, all three were there at the same time. And she, of course, never even offered them pizza money. Oh yeah, the chickens will come home to roost with her.
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Yup madge, they do sound similiar, the bad mouthing used to work on me as I fought hard to defend myself to others, but now it doesn't work, its like the power is starting to fade like the control, but that was up to me to let that happen. My mother has been a force like no other in my life, and not a good one. And as for money...oh my god!!! a weapon of destruction for her, well she has all the money in the world, yes she could've made her daughters lives a bit easier by helping out. I gave up my job and where I lived to take care of her, so when she went into care I had no income coming in, which she knew, but hey I went out got temporary work, till I found a great job, with great money, and I guess foiled her plans again that I didn't come begging, it did get to a point where I considered it because I'd never not had a job...but boy am I so glad I didn't. Daughters of nacissistic mothers...we have had a lifetime full haven't we.
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rubyjkat, some similarities in your post and mine. I too think Mom will flip out when she actually has to go into a home. Then she will start bad mouthing me and my brother, as she already does. It is like "be careful what you wish for", in her case. I think, like your Mom, the "nursing home" threat is to make sure we know everything she has is hers and hers alone. That is fine with me and my brother. Neither one of us need her money. So she can't use that on us. Crazy.............
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I completely agree it has to be the decision of the daughter/son for their parent/s to go into care. I knew if I waited for my mother to go make the decision herself, I would end up in a padded cell before this ever happened. My mother did the crafty thing of saying I think its time I went into a nursing home, its not fair on you or your husband to take care of me...I would say oh no its fine, I made a promise and i will keep it. But when we did visit a nursing home, my decision, she said she loved it and it was time to move on, I knew she still didn't believe she would be in one. Two days later she was in, much to her horror, and all the manipulations and power plays she could muster to stop it from happening. When reality hit she went into overdrive of hating me, but unfortunately for her, this time everyone agreed with me that this was the right thing for everyone...(a first!).

She hates being in there and would prefer a place that didn't have really old people who went to bed early, and the ones with dementia and the deaf ones are just plain annoying, as well as the ones who are loud and just plain common..(this is my mother true to form). I get the 'is this all i have to look forward to now'...

Its costing her an absolute fortune in the home as she never entertained the idea of putting money in a trust because that would be like leaving me and my sister money and why should she as she says, its her money she can do as she pleases with it...which is true, however...you reap what you sow, she now has all the money in the world that will be spent on her as she always wanted.

Sometimes they will tell you what you want to hear, its another form of manipulation to keep you in line so to speak, you may be lucky that your mum really does want to go in a home, but I would be very sceptical until its a done deal...but that's me and the experiences I have had that's made a bit wary of what she says, is way different to what she really means.

End of day, she's sorted, I'm nearly there with new job and ready to move back to the life I had before embarking on the worst year of my life last year..keep moving forwards and keep smiling...thru gritted teeth sometimes lol.
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I had to put both my parents in a nursing home at the same time...father had parkinson's and mother had alzheimer's ....my brother and I built another home next door to take care of them ( 7years ) it got to the point whereas it was a safety issues and mother fell and broke hip...moved her from hospital to re-hab and had father join her in the same room. Yes there was the "I want to go home" from father...but we stayed our course and moved on knowing that they were being taken care of and safe. Remember..."the caretaker knows when it's time to move to a nursing home, when live is overwhelming and the stress is unbearable" do not let the parent dictate when the right time will be.
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I have a different take on this. My 81 year old Mom has told me since I was in high school (and I will be 60 this spring) that all her money is being saved for her old age and a nursing home. Dad said the same thing but he died and didn't get to enjoy the luxuries of one. Anyway, today she has saved close to a million dollars, lives on SS and small pension, is too cheap to practically live. Won't eat out, take a vacation with family, buy a book over a buck, heat all of her house, paint her house, have her lawn done (it looks like hell) or buy anything that is not priced in 1960's prices. She has accused me of asking her for money (I have not, ever didn't need to). And in general is an unpleasant old lady who WILL go into a nursing home, at her expense. And the irony of it all, she hates people, can't sleep anywhere but her own bed (did I mention she hasn't been to my house in 12 years?)

So, if and when she needs the Home. It will be an easy thing for me and my brother since we were fed a steady diet of "I can't pay for that because I have to save for a nursing home". Of course this was just an excuse to mizer away everything she and Dad had. She will be so unhappy, but wait .....she already is.
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I wanted to bring my father home to die. He finally convinced me that he just wanted the machines to be removed and for him to die naturally. He did so at a nursing home. I would have preferred one the hospices he was in during his long illness, but my mother liked the nursing home because it was closer to her home by 10 minutes. I stayed with him daily and he died in peace. The nurses were wonderful and I could not have taken care of him properly at home. We have to do what is best for all of us. Please try to feel some peace about this decision. Take care - Rebecca
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