My mother is 82 years old. She hasn't been diagnosed with alzheimers or dementia, but is spiraling more and more rapidly into the bitter, angry and rage filled life that is driving me and my family insane.
She doesn't live with us (thank God) but still manages to be a big part of my daily life. I can't work full time because of her daily demands and I have to inform her everytime I'm leaving the house, otherwise she will leave dozens of messages crying and screaming because she doesn't know where I'm at. She has actually called my husband at work sobbing and presuming me dead because I hadn't called her at the time that she thought I was supposed to. I'm a subsitute teacher and I don't always have a schedule that I can inform her of ahead of time. I am expected to call her during my lunch time everday, but some days are later than others, and I can't exactly put my class on hold while I call my mother.
She yells at my husband and kids whenever we do get together with her, but last weekend was so bad that she had my son (16 years old) in tears. I told her she would have to leave my house and now she is blaming him for this rift that has come up. She has no clue that his crying was do to her outrageous and demeaning behavior and that after putting up with it for 16 years, he simply snapped. Now, she wants to give him her car, to try and buy back his love. She alsways turns to gifts or money to try and buy our love, but then throws it in our face whenever we disapprove of her behavior. I have tried to explain to her that we do not want her money or her gifts, we would just like to be accepted and loved by her and treated nicely. She has told me that I am too overprotective of my children and they should just love their grandmother no matter what she says to them or how she treats them, even though she belittles them with every word. There is never any praise or encouragement, only critisism and anger. Her latest outrage is that my 13 year old daughter has a cell phone and spends much time texting her friends. She didn't have that as a kid, so why should my daughter have it. I don't believe they had cell phones in the 1930's did they?? LOL
I have now begun to set boundaries, but she can not/will not accept them. It is I who have caused the problems, it is I that ordered her out of my house even though she had done nothing to deserve it, it is my sons fault for crying, since, of course, she didn't cause that! According to her she is the nicest person and everyone loves her. In her retirement community where she lives, she has no friends and everyone avoids her because of her violent outbursts. Even the receptionist has started to call me to tell me of her latest outburst and crying fit and to inform me of whose feelings she hurt and abused each day. But, mom does not see this. They are all "stupid" in her opinion and since they don't want to do or think the same way as her, they must be "crazy" and they deserve to be yelled at.
I can't have her around my children any more, now that I realize how severely they are affected by her behavior. My husband does not want her in our home anymore. I still need to do for her and take her places, but now must always do it without my family. I understand why they feel this way, as I do too, but I don't know how to handle the situtation.
I am an only child, my mother has no siblings that are still alive, my father is dead....
Please give me some advice on how to handle her anger and despair, rudeness, critism and nastinest , but still be able to enjoy my husband and kids.