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Hello,
I take care of my mother in law. She has dementia and it has been progressing for 20 years. Most of that time, I’ve been taking care of her.


She has always been angry but in the past decade she has been physically abusing me. She has punched me in the face. She has put me in a chokehold. She has threatened to kill me and my children.


I am at a loss. We cannot afford the care recommended by her doctor, which is 24-hour supervised care. But I am in fear for my safety and honestly do not know how much longer I can go on before simply giving out from all the stress. Has anyone else experienced this? What do I do?

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If her doctor REFUSES to provide a medication that will help you and other members of the family provide safe care for her, his patient, you need to find another doctor.
(that is if the medications will not harm and it does not sound like she had adverse reactions when they were prescribed.)
The doctor is not acting in her best interests.
If she has been diagnosed with dementia she is a far cry from being "competent" Again another reason that you should find another doctor.
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thelxienoe Dec 2020
We can try to convince her to go to another doctor, but we don’t have power over her medical care decisions unless she is deemed unable to make them herself. If she wants to see this doctor, she sees this doctor. We can always try taking her somewhere else and see what happens and that is indeed worth a try.
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Understanding now that your jointly own this home, and she is considered competent makes this very EASY. Force the sale of the home (a co owner can do this at any time). Divide the assets. Move out. She being competent is excellent news. You are out of there. Don't go back. Should she need the help there is the State just waiting to jump on in and help her. Meanwhile, you claim your own life. You each have assets enough certainly for a move into your own lives.
This is your choice. It is up to you how you wish to spend you life. None of you are her prisoner. Above you say she has dementia and is somewhat an abusive madwoman. Yet she is judged competent. So let her use her competency to have her own life. Without you. I am sorry to sound so tough, but these are the facts. You each owning part of the house is fine; you can force a sale of it. See a real estate attorney.
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thelxienoe Dec 2020
Yes, considered competent. It is ludicrous and I don’t understand it. She does not remember our names. Doesn’t remember the names of the long-dead people she thinks are alive. Doesn’t know she is even in a house half the time but believes she is in a church or at work. But still considered competent.

I understand the toughness. Thank you for your input. I am much more optimistic than I was six hours ago.
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Your updates paint a different story than what I originally understood, it sounds as though you are a lot more prepared than you think you are! Does your husband share your worries or are you fretting alone - is he supportive of the idea of making a change or is his attitude one of your stumbling blocks? Even in the worst case scenario you are both working and have at least a partial share in the value of your home, why ever would you be picturing homelessness? Fear of harm combined with decades of caregiving may have you feeling backed into a corner but as other wise posters have shown their are options for a brighter future. Get legal help in understanding your options, both for yourself (with or without your husband) and for the future care of your MIL. Knowledge is power.
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thelxienoe Dec 2020
Picturing homelessness out of sheer panic, I think. It’s hard not to imagine just being forced out when things are as bad as they are sometimes. It’s very painful. But you are right. We still work. We have partial interest in our home and while we couldn’t buy her interest out right away, we certainly have put that much into the house and her care over the years and we could do it again piece by piece. We will get her name off the house and out of here so help me God.

My husband is equally concerned and working with me but she acts differently around him. Like a switch. I think it’s hard for people to understand how scary she is if they don’t see it firsthand, as my son did over this past holiday. And honestly we just felt like we had to keep her with us no matter what, even before we got the house. I cared for her for years before we lived together. We thought it was the right thing to do. No one else would take her. She has siblings who have no idea where she is and won’t reply to any contact. And as you might guess, she was an abusive parent to my husband as well in his childhood. So whatever effect that has on a person, I take into account.

Thank you for your kindness. I feel considerably more optimistic now.
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Has she been diagnosed with a specific type of dementia or did the doctors just say she has dementia?
Some forms of dementia a person is more prone to violence.
There are medications that can be prescribed to curb some of the anxiety. But there are some forms of dementia that some of the medications can have adverse effects. So the proper diagnosis is important.
I suggest that you consult an Elder Care Attorney so that the best and safest solution can be made.
the important thing is you need to protect yourself.
Next time she becomes violent LEAVE the room. If she calms down, great then resume what you were doing. If she becomes violent again call 911. Ask for transport to the hospital. Tell the dispatcher what is going on, the person has dementia and is a danger to you as well as herself. (the response will be calmer if they know what they are dealing with, in general police are usually dispatched with a call like this so do not be upset if they also show up)
Your local Area Agency on Aging might have some ideas. If she is transported to the hospital ask to talk to the hospital Social Worker they deal with this daily.
The important thing is this is also an environment that is not safe or healthy for your children and they should be your primary focus. If worst case scenario comes you take your children and go to a women's shelter. I am surprised that your husband has little to say and does not protect you.
You need to advocate for yourself. I am sure you can find reasons to not do what has been suggested by others. Your life is just as important as MIL's. what happens to your children, what happens to MIL if she severely injures you or kills you....who cares for her then, who cares for your children? Who will care for you both if she severely hurts you?
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thelxienoe Dec 2020
Thank you so much. Your reply has moved me deeply. I do want to clarify my children are adults; she threatens to kill us all regardless. It doesn’t keep them from visiting me but it of course worries us all. She’s not terribly mobile but still can do quite a lot of damage. I actually did not even remember I could speak to a hospital social worker, I was under so much stress the last time she was in the hospital.

edit: On your question about medication and diagnoses. She has dementia diagnosis as well as complications from being morbidly obese. During her last hospitalization after she lashed out at first responders trying to lift her from the floor, she was placed on antipsychotics that actually seemed to help her a lot, but her primary care physician will not approve them for her. All he recommends is round-the-clock care. And she’s considered competent so I cannot make medical decisions for her unless or until she’s unconscious or cannot communicate at all. Obviously if an emergency happens and she needs to be hospitalized it is different. So what has happened numerous times is she gets extremely disoriented and violent, falls over, and is too large to be lifted. She is a very, very, very large woman and we have special equipment at home that sometimes does not even help us get her back up. So we have to call 911 and they will literally send the fire department. Being so far gone and prone to physical violence, she will then attempt to attack the responders and then she is sedated in the hospital.
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In reading all of your answers as to why placement will not work I have ended quite confused. You say you ALL partially own her home? Ummmmm, how did that happen. And that you will be homeless if it is sold for her care? Then you will be renting as are many people, with your own assets. It kind of seems as though at the same time she is threatening you life for two decades you are living off of her in a home that has kind of been divvied up before her death.
A doctor said you would have 70,000 bill if you refused to take her home is pretty laughable. Unless he is also a lawyer and the hospital administrator of billing department. That threat seems however to have worked.
So basically this person will have to go into care. Her assets will go to pay for her care. Her home will not be counted as asset until after her death and upon sale of said home. I don't know what kind of shenaigans have gone on with the sale of the home, but that's not here nor there.
Next time don't get Mom from the ER. They will place her. Let her become a ward of the State and they will soon enough let you know what they will do with her assets. As to 70,000 bills? Don't over worry them unless you have 70,000 to your name to worry over. The important thing is to get the danger out of your home. Or her home. Or the home that belongs to all of you.
Sorry this is such a mess. I imagine somewhere in here is a POA? I hope that person has kept meticulous records as to mom's assets and expenditures, and can just hand them over to social services when they are asked for. Wishing you the best going forward.
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thelxienoe Dec 2020
Hi AlvaDeer,
I am writing under great distress and do not have the best legal literacy skills or real estate knowledge. Of course it is stupid that I did not educate myself long beforehand. And that is why my posts are confusing. We are joint owners due to a choice to move in together while she was lucid. We wanted to care for her and could not fit into our house altogether, nor could we all fit in her house. We also lived very far apart. Could not drive to her five times a day while working full time, which both my husband and I still do, thankfully. So we all three became joint owners of this home after we both sold our own homes. Our interest in the property is considered equal even if our financial contribution is not. But I did not understand how one third of the interest in the house could be liquidated without forcing us out of the home and selling it until another poster referenced a lien being placed on the home. Now I am doing much research and contacting lawyers regarding our state laws and it does seem indeed we cannot be forced out at all, thank God. Of course renting and etc would be a solution anyway, but I catastrophized in my panic. However, we do live in an extremely rural area where real estate is far and few between, rental or otherwise.

The POA situation has just kept getting more and more complex over the years. We can’t invoke it because she’s still not declared incompetent (utter insanity, trying to figure that out concurrently all these years while dealing with our own health, our other parents dying, our children, etc). But we do have records that prove she is not contributing to the house, that we are taking care of her, that we buy everything she needs, that we are paying the full mortgage, that she doesn’t pay rent, all of that.

I thank you for your thorough reply. God bless.
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You have both been living in denial, maybe it all seemed reasonable 20 years ago but it clearly hasn't been for a very long time. It seems to me you have gambled your life on the hope that you can preserve her assets for yourselves, but has the trade off really been worth it? Chances are high that she will either need it all to pay for care before the end of her life OR that you will die before her from the stress you continue to with. Have you been so busy running on the hamster wheel that you haven't given any thought to what comes next? Why would you be homeless if she went into care, do neither of you work or have any assets of your own?
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thelxienoe Dec 2020
No, we work. Our home is owned by all three of us. It was a terrible choice made when she needed to move in with us for physical needs. We needed a larger home to literally fit all three of us and we sold ours, she sold hers. We went in together.
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You need to see an elder attorney to prepare her finances to transition to Medicaid. You do not have to liquidate the home to pay for her care. It is your home too so you can live there. What will happen is once she is in a facility under Medicaid you can still live in the home but Medicaid will put a lien on her property. I'm not sure why you were worried about the Dr. and his threat of a $70,000 bill. Its not yours to pay. Get her out of the house ASAP. Now you do have a problem if her funds and assets have been supporting you. Can you afford to live and maintain the house without her assets? because once she is in a facility, her income, pension, SS, etc, all goes to the facility, you won't be able to use that money for your own needs, but if you can pay for the housing costs on your own you won't be homeless. You can stay in the house. Please see an attorney.

The next time she hits you, you call 911. You send her to ER. You tell the police and the people at the hospital she is a danger to you and herself and she can't come home. You keep doing that if necessary. You are going to have to work with the social workers at the hospital to find placement, and you are going to have to prepare the finances. Her money pays for her care until she's broke then she goes on Medicaid. You do not have to liquidate the house, you can stay there, but Medicaid will put a lien on her portion of it. You will have to be able to afford the expenses now without MIL's income.

If you don't get her out of the home you may want to find the right medication to sedate her.
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thelxienoe Dec 2020
Thank you for the very helpful answer.

Her current income goes right to her own care, but we are all three considered partial owners of the house with the way we bought it, before she got so ill. It worries me but I am able to do more research now with some of the info you provided me, e.g. “lien.” Did not know that was a thing. My legal literacy is a bit poor, as you may be able to see.
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Your husband is at a loss while his mom punches you in the face.
If you sold her assets, your family would be homeless.
20 years of this? The picture is becoming more clear.
You and your husband have been, mostly, financially irresponsible. Your mother in law has provided your means even when you's decided to throw a couple kids in the mix. Mom in law paying your life bill, for 20 years, probably made her angry and gave her the idea that she could hit you. And she's pretty much been right for 10 years. You took the punches for shelter.
Oh and now the 'children' are adults. So they're living off gramma's dime too?
Wow! I fully understand that it's not a bad joke. Just a bad story. I don't think you're confused as much as you are worried about your shelter.
You're not a victim in this yucky show. You and your husband helped create it and nurtured it with childlike irresponsibility.
Get some real help from all programs who'll give it to you.
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thelxienoe Dec 2020
“Get some real help from all programs who'll give it to you.”
Believe it or not, simply Googling “elderly dementia patient hits me and invested in our home before she became sick” does not magically give one all of the solutions and a handy list of programs.
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WTF? Is this a joke? 20 years and you haven't sought resources? This has to be a bad joke.
Take her to an ER and walk away.
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thelxienoe Dec 2020
We have sought resources such as respite care. They are simply not enough. You are of course free to believe what you want.
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I would quit. I would tell my DH I am done. I would talk to the Doctor on how to accomplish this ie have her removed from my house & obtain placement in a facility. If this involves a crises team call out, &/or involuntary psychiatric admission - so be it.

What is your Husband's view?
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thelxienoe Dec 2020
Husband is at as much of a loss as I am. We live in a home that is partially her asset. If it’s liquidated for her care we are homeless and we can’t afford to buy her out. We considered refusing to pick her up from hospital last time she was there, which would make her a ward of a state (according to a social worker we know), but the doctor on the phone then implied we’d get a $70,000 bill... I am so confused.
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Ditto, ditto, ditto and also.......ditto.
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Have you looked in to putting her in a long term care facility? It doesn’t matter what YOU can afford, it’s HER finances that matter & there is state and federal funding through Medicaid to help pay for long term care. If she has been abusing you for a decade then long term care is long overdue and someone needs to get the ball rolling there. Having dementia is not a free pass, she doesn’t get to physically abuse you or anyone else. It’s unacceptable behavior period. And the million dollar question here is WHERE IS YOUR HUSBAND IN ALL OF THIS? Why are you taking care of his mother and why is he allowing you to be abused? And if you have minor children, it’s beyond time to put them first and get her out of your home’
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thelxienoe Dec 2020
She does have some money and assets, but we live in one of them... if it’s liquidated to pay for her care, we have no home. At least that’s my understanding of how it would work. Husband is also helping, he’s just not being physically abused. Children are adults. I thank you for your input.
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