Do I need a personal caregiving contract showing my status as roommate sharing caregiver?

There are so many good answers here. I want to say you need to heed them. Resentment can build quickly as a care giver even if you fight against the emotion. Your sister is setting you up with control. You do the work and she has the say. Have you considered co Trustees? There is nothing wrong about you being paid for doing services for your mom. Set it aside for when she or you need it. The desire to care for your mom with love can slowly be replaced by resentment as your life revolves around care giving.

Something not yet mentioned is that at mom's needs increase and possibly she becomes angry that she is not getting every demand met AND as time goes on you burn-out, your relationship with your mom, and other family members will become damaged. The elderly can both need and want more care than one person can provide, and stop appreciating your sacrifices. Also, after being isolated by providing 24/7 care for mom, what life will you have left once mom is gone?

It takes me between 15 to 20 hours a week to do P.O.A. [financial & health] to take care of mom & that's with her in a nursing home - living with her would add many hours too ... what with making meals & clean up count on 2 in morning, 1.5 over lunch, 3 over dinner & 1.5 over bedtime = 8 a day = 54 a week & that's without major cleaning or yard work or laundry - don't pay anything to do that job & when did you last work those sort of hours - in fact mom should be giving you something for that time

Tell sis & mom you are too old to work those hours - if you lose your mind & agree to go there then stipulate a yard guy, cleaning lady, going out for 2 lunches & 2 dinners a week, paid vacation every 8 weeks of 1 week -

Your house can be rented out & after 1 [or less] year it will go month to month because with 30 or 60 days notice you can cancel a rental if family [READ YOU] moves back in so it won't be lost to you but write out at what point you bail - but best not to go there in first place - remember your name is not spelt 'DOORMAT' - make your stand now or forever keep quiet

Do not move into your mother's home to be a full time caregiver. Do not do this. You will regret it, deeply, you will lose precious years off of your life. (I DID.) You are insane if you think this is going to work out, I would not do it, I would consult an attorney about all the houses and finances and for future Medicaid planning so mom can go into a nursing home.

You don't have to accept what she wants!

My thought...if you care for Mom with no pay then you should live there for free. What you would be doing would cost Mom thousands in caregivers around the clock. Why pay for rent and utilities. I would talk to a lawyer. If you pay, you should get larger share than the other two. I can see your brothers point. I would look at other options first. See what is available in Moms area. Maybe there is a senior community or a nice AL. County may have services she can use. I would not give up what I worked for or the freedom you finally have. I would not rent out my house. I understand not selling. Same problem here. I took my Mom in 2 yrs ago. She has Dementia and was declining. I'm it. I took her in hoping that house would sell quickly and I could place her in an AL. After a year, house didn't sell. She had enough money for a year in an AL. I'm 67 and 5ft tall. The two times she fell someone was here. Otherwise, I couldn't have gotten her up. I was doing things that a CNA does. And, I was a 24/7 caretaker. TG for Daycare. She went 3xs a week from 8 to 2:30. Gave us some time together. If you decide that u will care for Mom, get some kind of paper made up what is expected out of you and stick by it. Sister sounds self centered. People like her are the worst.

No need to apologize- it happens.

Sorry Rainmom, I missed that....and Me going of on a rant.

Sorry phone posted before finished. As she progressed, we needed more assistance. I started going 5 evenings, plus the days, and fixing dinner, feeding mom, getting her to bed. Farther progression, I spoke with work and they allowed me to work mostly from home and go to reduced hours. My husband started coming out at night and staying with me for dinner and the night. My step-dad "gifts" us the amount if money I lost by reducing my hours. Going back and forth between 2 houses, 45 minutes apart became too much. We have children and grand children near us. At the point, stage 7, we have moved mom to our house. We have more support here when needed. It is a little hard on my step-dad but he knows there is room here if he wants to stay here too. We take mom out to visit him twice a week and I make dinner. I also stalk food that is easy for him to eat or prep. All you can do is your best. It is a tremendous amount of work so be sure you are prepared. I have a hospital bed. My mom is totally incontinent... That means pads, changing, messy... Just be ready. She has to be hand fed. Dressed, showered, hair washed, moved to wheelchair...recliner...wheelchair...bed...tough on my back. Meds need to be given. I have to watch for bowel issues, her body is forgetting how, and regulate the food and meds to be sure she goes, but not too often. This is a big challenge.
I was so specific because you need to be prepared to provide all this care. I am and luckily my husband and kids help, and my step dad does what he can. Hope this helps you be better prepared. I would not change it and love being able to care for my mom. She we be with us to the end.

I would be sure to get a lawyer, 3rd party, and sit down as a family to discuss this all and put it in writing. I would suggest a POA other than sister as others have stated. As for care, be sure you are ready for it. My mom has Alzheimer's. Early on my sister and I shared care giving with our step-dad. My sister did more days than I did due to our differing schedules. We would take mom for the daytime and do things with her, shower, hair appointments, movies, take her with us to work, etc. Step-dad covered dinner and bedtime. As the disease progressed,

Johnjoe - the OP explains how the sister figures into this in reply #8.

Having read the question and the replies I'm wondering where did the Sister or Sisters come from, since there's no mention of Them in the question.
( A ) You should not have to pay towards house hold utilities or food costs when You are Caring for Your Mother. I'm very sure Your Mom would not want this.
( B ) On the assumption there are Sisters, I would get a Contract drawn up and signed by Your Mothers Doctor for authenticity, and have receipts for all expenses so that if the Family become heavy handed and They inherit Your Mothers Estate You can put a stay on the WILL until all of Your bills and expenses are paid first. Naturally there's no kneed to mention this to Sister or Your Mother, as You kneed to cover Yourself.
I cared for My Mother for three years and I would not take payment, not would I apply for Carers Benifits from Our State, simply because I adored Mam, and I was honoured to share every day and night of My Mothers Long and beautiful Life. In the end all We have left are memories of beautiful tender moments to be savoured in Our Heart till Life's end.

Dat, if your sister is living rent free in one of your Mom's investment properties, then Mom is losing a lot on her income taxes. She cannot deduct any costs and depreciation that are the result of that property since there is zero income coming in. Even below market rent would be frown upon.

And if for some reason down the road your Mom needs to apply for Medicaid, they would see that your Mom owned an investment property that has non-producing income, and that could throw a wrench into her being approved for Medicaid.

Your mother needs to do one of two things. Either sell the investment house or charge your sister market rent to live in the house so that your mother has the money to pay for her own long term care needs. Your mother and your sister are using fear, obligation and guilt on you. You are a grownup and you are in charge of your own life. Put on your big girl pants and tell them "I couldn't possibly do that."

I missed the sister living in another of moms houses - rent free. Okay, so if I'm understanding this right - sis is doing financial POA work and living in a house mom owns - not paying rent but is paying property tax and utilities. Sis feels that if you move in with mom you should pay all property tax and all utilities and do 24/7 caregiving with no compensation- and she feels the work that each of you will be doing for your mom is comparable? Is your sister mentally unbalanced? Seriously? I've been DPOA- both heath and finances - and yes, my mom had a chunk of "business" that required dedicated monitoring. It took a chunk of my time. But in NO WAY can your compare one job with the other. As long as I respected due dates I could schedule most of my work - push it off a day or two if I wasn't feeling good or wanted to go out and do something fun. If a 24/7 caregiver isn't feeling good they don't get the option to say "I'll feed you tomorrow- I'm not up to it today". And forget about ANY spontaneous fun - period! If I read it right, sis doesn't want your living with mom - is she trying to intimidate you out of it? What's her suggestion for moms care? What is sis afraid of? You finding out something? Her losing control of the money? I think I'd be very suspicious of your sisters motivation, if I were you. And - do not do this as long as sis has POA!

I agree that I would not place myself anywhere that your POA sister has any control over, such as your mom's house. I suspect that based on your sister's living situation, she has a huge conflict of interest regarding her POA status. Has sister, as POA, consulted with financial planners, tax experts about how she is managing your mom's assets? Is it really in mom's best interest for her to live rent free in her mom's house? Now that mom needs help in her own home and it may cost money, that sounds like a potential source of funds that should be explored.

So, if mother competent and willing to appoint a new Durable POA? And if she did, would you want to take on that responsibility? Is sister acting as mom's POA now? It sounds like a lot of heartache to me, but you know if you're up for it. And if sister is really acting poorly, it could end up in court. I'd get a legal opinion from an experienced Elder Law attorney before making any decisions.

I agree with what everyone has written here. I am a live-in daughter. My parents refused to leave their home. They wanted to die in it. When my marriage ended my mother figured God had done it so I could come home and care for them. If I could go back in time I would never, never do it again. It made sense at the time. Really it still does if only I weren't treated like a slave that owes somebody something for being born. It usually takes about 6 hours a day to take care of my mother in some fashion, whether it be house cleaning, medication management, yard work, cooking, house maintenance, or putting up with the nonsense coming my way. Wrestling with the modern healthcare system is a real trick. A lot of days I end up so frustrated and angry dealing with it for a woman who is so mean.

I don't pay rent here. My mother once mentioned I should use my money to pay for everything so she could keep hers. ROFL. If anything is left over in the will, it will be divided four ways. That would mean I would pay for her to live so she could leave any money saved to all the children, three who weren't even involved in her care. What sense would that make?

If I had to put a money value on things I do for my mother it would be about $500 a week. That doesn't include pay for the time I spend stewing about something mean she did or writing here on the group. She has the house paid for and covers the power, gas, and water. The two rooms I occupy and the utilities are the only things I get from her. That is probably worth about $1000 a month at the most.

It is so strange that people can see live-in caregivers as moochers that owe someone something. They are already donating their lives and enjoyment of living. To pay to make these donations is just crazy.

Personally I think you're sister should move out of her free house. Or at least she should write herself a 1099 for $20K a year, which is about what she is benefiting in today's housing market around here. Pssft! Your sister p*ssed me off with her craziness.

NO! Better do some heavy research on this site and carefully consider all the pitfalls; whatever looks "not so bad, I can handle" now will not look so great later when mom needs lots of care.
Now, if you have a plan to save on housing/living expenses in exchange for caring a couple years for mom; and all siblings will sign a legal doc stating they are in agreement with this; then fine. Have a back up plan for when mom needs extra care or you decide to move on and transition to a new home, your own activities, etc.
Just have a sound plan as to how long you are willing to do this, how much care you are capable of and agreement that mom will accept outside care or residential care if needed (and be aware that she may say "yes" to that now but when the going gets tough "adamantly refuse all outside care" and beg you to stay, didn't know you planned to move on; how can you leave me, etc.

THink real hard. Is this how you planned to spend your retirement? You deserve some fun, independent living, new friends, new opportunities, travel, PT work, volunteering, clubs, etc.

I have to agree with virtually everything that has been said by others, above. I wanted to add one thing, though. Don't forget that you are in control here. You have the power. Don't let yourself be railroaded. This is your life to do with as you see fit.

IMO, if you take care of your mother and let your siblings off the hook, you SHOULD receive financial compensation for that, to whatever extent your family members can afford it. You will be working an exhausting and consuming job and saving the rest of the family a whole lot of time, energy, effort, and money that would otherwise be expended on paid helpers. It's not financial GAIN, it's COMPENSATION. For your sacrifice, hard work, and acceptance of a huge responsibility that allows other people go on and live their lives. It's WORK, and don't let anyone tell you it isn't.

Your sister is already being an idiot. There's no guarantee (or even glimmer of hope) that she will become more reasonable in the future. And, she has power of attorney. Under those circumstances, I agree with those who say "DON"T DO IT!!!"

I missed the fact that your sister is living rent-free. what a piece of work!

If you want to enjoy your retirement years stay where you are. Why would you want to give up freedom, privacy and financial security to become an unpaid caregiver and being threatened by an ungrateful sister? No one owes their parents care at the expense of their own lives becoming chaotic!

A useful line I learned here.... " I couldn't possibly do that".

Looks like the apple (your sister) didn't fall far from the tree (your mother). They both are very selfish. Is your sister wanting you to be the slave so that there will be something (house) to inherit when your mother dies? Is this also your mother's plan?

As others have written, do not do it. You will live to regret it. Your health will suffer. Your mother may outlive you. Let your sister live with your mother!

Why does your mother think that you should provide care at no cost to her? This is costing you your time, your retirement years. It's a burden on your health and your back. At a time in your life when you need to be looking after your own health ( healthy eating, exercise and your own doctor appointments) you're going to be providing a free ride to mom?

Is she without funds for care? Help her apply for Medicaid. If she has funds, she should use them to hire help.

And please. Don't try to do the yard work. That's a young person's job.

I agree with the other caregivers - this has problems written all over it and you're not even through the planning stage yet. I've been caregiving for my mom for 14 years. Can you do this for that long? Once you're in it, it's hard to get out of it. So take your time to make the right decisions.

I don't live with my mom but just dealing with her (she'll be 97 in Dec) is sometimes almost enough to drive me round the bend. And I don't have a nasty sister second-guessing my every move. I agree with finding other options for your mom. Don't give up your life in service to hers - your life is just as important as hers is and your sister's and your brother's. Put yourself first and figure out how to help mom without upending your whole life.

NO. This is NOT right. Do NOT be the caregiver at the mercy of someone else holding POA who is a complete cheapskate with no more appreciation of what being a caregiver means than the man in the moon...who understands costs and values cutting costs, but has no values. You'll be spending your money on Mom because Sis doesn't want to and does not see the legitimate needs for things that will be staring you in the face, including a little respite for you now and then. And good luck with the absentee landlord thing. What if Mom gets to where you can't get away to go resolve some problem or other back there? No NO NO NO no. Right thing to do sure - under the right circumstances, NOT like this. Your gut is trying to tell you NO. Listen to it. Consider elder mediation or counseling and even getting an eldercare attorney to advise on how things really ought to be run.

Your sister sounds like a problem waiting to boil over. You have not moved in yet and she is already threatening to report you? and she lives in a home owned by mom and pays only minimal? Just say no! Or get a contract so she can;t come after you later, and she will,, with the POA behind her.

Red flags and warning lights going off all over the place.

Do not do this.

I don't know if your sister is greedy or just ignorant, but paying to provide live-in care for your parent is crazy, crazy, crazy.

You don't want to be landlord. You will be. You expect to simply be a companion. Ha! You will uproot your life so that your mother doesn't have to uproot hers. And hers is more important than yours because .... ??

Love your mother. Help your mother do what is in HER best interest as well as good for you.

I do believe that family members can live together peacefully and productively. But this arrangement is already causing conflict with your sister and you are still in the planning stage. This does not bode well for long term.

Oh, you mentioned that your parents needs "assistance with meals (prep, cook, serve, cleanup), medication prompting, appointment setting, bathing assistance, laundry, household cleaning, yard care, etc." Who was doing this prior or was this a sudden medical issue?

datrnlawilldoit, you mentioned you are retired. Think about this, the last time you visited a hospital, assisted living, or a nursing home... how many workers were your age? Probably none and there is a very good reason for that.

For my aging parents who lived under their own roof, and me living under my own, yet I did all the errand running, doctor appointments, shopping, etc. then eventually took over as financial POA which was like having a part-time job in itself trying to sort though a ton of paper, pay bills, keep track of the stock market, etc. Eventually I crashed and burned from the stress and here I was in my 60's. I am now 70 and still trying to recover from the unbelievable stress that was placed on me. Make sure you know fully what you are getting into. And have everything put into writing and notarized.