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My mother-in-law has been living with my wife and I for about a year. Prior to her being with us, she was in 3 nursing facilities that left infections repeatedly unaddressed and nearly killed her. Since being with us, she has been infection free, all of her labs are spot on, and she is enjoying a private room and amenities no facility is capable of providing. While she was in the facilities, there was always an "enemy" and always false accusations against staff. Now, she makes accusations against my wife and myself. For example, when I found 4 used catheters stuffed in the seats of a rental car recently used for a Christmas trip, and asked her to please be mindful of discarding her equipment properly, she is threatening to call a lawyer and press charges... not really sure for what, but this is just the tip of the iceberg. A little background, she is 60 years old and was rushed into emergency brain surgery 3 years ago to remove a tumor and over 750ml of cerebral spinal fluid that was blocked and smashing her brain into the sides of her skull. After a successful surgery, she had a stroke, followed by MRSA infections in her skull, and subsequent surgeries to address the issues. She is a T7 paraplegic (since 17 years of age), self-catheter, colostomy, diabetes, sundowners syndrome, and cognitive impairment. The delusions that she conjectures, like everyone is stealing money she doesn't have, every one is out to get her when she is asked not to wash colostomy bags in public toilets or leave dirty equipment in car seats, are very troubling. She was given a phone to make emergency phone calls, and has had to have it taken away after repeatedly harassing random people. We don't wan't her to feel, or to be, isolated, but it is not feasible to allow her unsupervised phone access to harass strangers. She has driven away every other family member, including a mother, sister, and son who won't talk to her due to her years of delusions and abuse predating the surgery, but perhaps partially resultant from the slow growing tumor. We have hired in-home help, and we are all well aware that she is trying to pit the CNA against us, through clearly false accusations. Throughout her time at the nursing homes, we had to address every accusation as if it were true, though someone calmly kneeling down to speak to her at eye level is, to her, "screaming in my face." My wife took the past three years off work to address her mom's medical needs, and is returning to work next week. This has only made her mother's behavior worse, and my wife is concerned that these delusions will inevitably result in trials and tribulations far beyond care giving and more work addressing the accusations that have no basis in reality, but which must be given credence before being disproved. I am 40 years old and my wife is 30. We are hoping to have children, but are scared to bring a young life into this world with the issues facing us with caring for her mother. What do you do when every state-licensed nursing facility (3/3 so far) nearly kills your mother due to neglect, but keeping her in the home is a danger due to her hygiene issues, cognitive impairment, delusions, paranoia, physical issues, etc.? My wife has spent nearly every waking moment for years addressing these needs, while I have worked to support us financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. My wife is amazing. My mother-in-law is, often, a wonderful woman. I am at my wits end trying to assuage every issue from all sides and wind up being the enemy of one, and my wife is always subjected to abuse from her mother and is so tired of always teetering on the edge. My mother-in-law does not recognize her deficits, though at times she seems to acknowledge them. She fills notebooks with nonsensical writing of how we have wronged her by trying to create systems for her so she doesn't use the same colostomy and catheter equipment for weeks on end, and lie to her, and don't want her in our home (we worked for years to make her safe and healthy, including opening our home to take better care of her than what has been evidenced at facilities), and how she is going to sue us, sue her sister and mother, press charges, and how we are mad at her for having had a tumor. No one is mad at her, but she is angry about everything and her constant negativity, manipulation, delusions, and unsafe behavior, severely limits her and us. Prayer and an occasional dinner for two keeps my wife and I going, as does our awesome service dog, but we aren't sure how to move forward to enjoy a quality of life, have children, and feel safe in our own home while keeping her mother with us. We aren't sure how we can place my mother-in-law in another facility, when her needs will certainly not be met there, as no facility has yet been a safe place for her. I tell my wife that she deserves a life, a chance to soar, and peace of mind, and she does nothing short of amazing me everyday. I want an amazing life for her.

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Gosh. People can be mean as a snake when they get old. Things were better for about a week with my situation and then the past couple of days the snake became a rattlesnake. Today I am being threatened by my Dad who I have been caring for alone. He is threatening to throw me out of my own home. Well.. let's see how that flies. I am thinking about talking with a social worker and see how far things can go before I can say get him help. and if that does not get me anywhere the next action is (and I have been letting this go the past 2 times because he didn't injure himself) when he falls again then I will be calling the ambulance. People want to say that elders can file charges against their caregivers for abuse. So.. what are us as caregivers suppose to do.. sit back and let an elder abuse us? That isn't right either. After all, some of us, and it sure wasn't me elected to care for an elder and some of us just ended up with the whole pile of crap left to deal with when everybody we knew got old. It seems like the good people in life get all of the punishment. I would find a social worker to talk to and see if they can help. I have gotten to that point now.
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First, you medicate her anxiety and paranoia. For your own protection, you find suitable placement for her before she destroys both of you.
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The real question here is, is her mental illness being addressed? Is she on psychiatric meds? Has she been admitted to a psychiatric hospital to adjust medications? Have you looked into her being a resident of a psychiatric facility?

Whatever her physical impairments, her MAIN issue appears to be the fact that she is not living in the same reality as the rest of us.
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Agree with Pamstegma. Get her some psychiatric help. If she won't accept it (or it doesn't help), you will need to recognize that it's either her or you. If you and your wife want a life and a family, you can't have this destructive and negative influence ruling over your home. Put her in the best facility you can find, visit and monitor her care, and move on with your lives.
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Get rid of her. Everyone else is much nicer in how they say this, but to save yourselves you should relocate her.
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I am with Vegas, get her out of your house. The behaviors mil is experiencing are only going to get worse. Bring a baby into the picture? MIL would not be able to tolerate that, and the baby would not be safe. Reclaim your lives. It sounds as if a psych hospital will be your best bet.
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I agree that you need to move your MIL out of your house. Get her evaluated psychiatrically and get her on the proper meds. Then get her into a facility and consider extra assistance at the facility.

I have a feeling her issues at the facilities were partially due to her personality disorders that made her difficult to deal with. If you can get her properly medicated, maybe that will make it easier for her to be properly treated in a facility.

Bottom line if nothing changes about her behaviors and you put her in a facility, it's still the right thing to do. You do NOT have to sacrifice your lives and your future happiness (and children for pete's sake) in service to your mother-in-law. Her life is not worth more than yours and your wife's and your future children. She's had some unfortunate circumstances, but that doesn't require you to give up your lives for hers. Good luck and please keep us posted on what you do. We all learn from each other.
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itbewhatitbe, I found myself wondering if there was a place she could stay that you could be involved in her day-to-day care, but she wouldn't be staying with you. I was thinking that a nursing home, or something like that, where you were free to come in and help manage her care. Would your MIL be able to afford a private room in a facility. I wouldn't want to subject another resident to her behavior. I realize the facilities so far have let things go, but if you are there every couple of days to oversee things, it could keep infections from going unnoticed. And you would be able to escape to your own safe abode each evening. You wouldn't need to visit every day, just enough to keep track on her health and well-being. You have a tough situation. You shouldn't give up your own dreams to care for her, and I agree that bringing children into the environment would be traumatic. Good luck! Please let us know what you decide.
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Your Mil must be a very brave lady to have had a spinal cord injury at 17, and whether she gave birth to your wife after that or had her at a young age prior to 17, hers has been a difficult life for sure.
Mentioning this because I am hoping for you both that there is no guilt keeping you caring for her beyond all reasonable logic when it becomes unbearable as she declines.
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Have you tried a specialty spinal cord injury facility for her?
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Thank you all very much for your insight and suggestions. It is very helpful to have this support network online and we are very thankful to have found it this weekend. I shared the site with family who are also caregivers (my grandmother has alzheimers). We are seeking psychiatric care for my mil. Today, we sat down with mil and talked with her at length about what she has been writing and the threats she voices. She is so very afraid of going back into a facility, and of so much more. She said she was not aware of her writings and, when showed to her, she cried and expressed how she was so scared and doesn't understand how to stop the thoughts that come into her head. We sat together and blacked out every negative statement written and replaced each with 3 positive statements. She agreed she needs help understanding her thoughts, how to control them, and how to escape from the fearful delusions she suffers from. She is on medicaid, so severely limited in treatment options, but it did us a world of good, today, to talk to her about her fears, encourage her to share them always, discuss the ramifications of the threats she voices, and reinforce with her the love we have for her in our family. We are seeking psychiatric care in earnest.
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I am so glad you have decided on psychiatric care!

You obviously are a loving family. MIL is only 60? She could live another 20, 30, or even 40 years. You absolutely cannot wait to start a family until she dies. Do what you have to do to protect your own lives. I hope that with psychiatric help things can be worked out for her.
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itbewhatitbe - that's a better outcome (so far) than I would have predicted. Good for you! I hope it continues to work out and your family gets some much needed help and relief.
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What a positive outcome! Keep us posted! We care!
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Itbe, I think that you as a family need to be aware of the fact that treatment, whether funded privately or by Medicaid is likely to include medications, possibly antipsychotics to stop the "voices". Many of these medications come with "black box" warnings which make it sound as though you should run in the other direction.

Consider the alternatives, however. Your MIL is obviously in extreme psychic pain; medication may give her some peace of mind and MAY allow you to care for her, or allow her to be cared for WELL in a non-psychiatric facility. In my opinion, meds are worth a trial in a situation such as yours.
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As a postscript to all the excellent advice provided...keep in mind you need to have your own lives and in order to do so she will need to be in a facility. Manipulation can be very strong and very purposeful in spite of many other irrational or inappropriate behaviors. You will not have your lives to yourselves until she is placed elsewhere. I was the "responsible" child for mentally ill mother my entire life. I never had children. She was my troubled and needy child. I have not been truly free to live my life until now at age 60 when it feels like far too little and far too late. She passed two months ago.
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Itbe...since you mention your faith, recall that Genesis 2:24 specifies the relationship a man has with his parents (he leaves them) and with his wife (the two are joined together as one). I know it's your MIL, but my belief is that this applies to children of either gender. You honor your parents in part by continuing their heritage by raising godly children of your own.
My own mom always advised me to put my husband's needs and desires above hers, and I believe she was right. Of course, that doesn't mean to ignore her need for immediate help in order to fix his breakfast cereal, but you get the idea. Your well-lived life with her daughter is something you owe your MIL, too; and something your wife owes you in honor of her mom.
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First, 60 is not old 😊. This is fairly young for all her problems. Maybe you need a small facility that takes medicaid. I have found people are nicer to strangers than their own family. But then u said she accuses people no matter where she is. Her brain is damaged and things will probably get worse. A neurologist maybe able to help too. Its going to be hard to work and come home to a demanding person. Children take up a lot of time and should be ur priority. Not fair to bring them into ur type of situation. Its a shame ur MIL has had these health problems so young but ur wife has done as much as she can. Start looking for a facility and talk to the doctor affliated with it. Explain ur concerns. Nothing will be perfect butvu also can't live like ur. Good Luck.
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You may want to look in to a psychiatric day program where your MIL would spend say 8 hours a day in a program to give your family a break.
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I really think that it is past time to find a care facility for your MIL. I think her negative experiences with facilities in the past have a lot to do with her state of mind. Also, I don't think that she is in control of her mental issues and needs help right away. On your side, you and your wife have one life to live. You need to live it now...after all, tomorrow is promised to no one. You have tried your best to take care of your MIL and it is not possible for you to do so. You might use a referral site like a Place for Mom to help you find a facility with a good reputation for providing excellent care.
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You can put off having children but it won't change anything. mil is still going to have mental health issues and need care.
I am a mom of two. I looked at at least 10 preschools before placing my first child. Some places were really awful. One I turned into the state for abuse after seeing a staff member slap a child! My point is, you say that her care needs won't be met at a facility. That is a gross overgeneralization and exaggeration. Are some better than others? Of course. She can get sick.in their care just the same as she can get sick in your own care. Do the diligence and find a place that you feel good about. It will be worth it in the end as you will ALL have a better quality of life.
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