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If you look back over my answers, comments, questions, etc. you probably are tired of seeing my username. I try not to be a "know-it-all" or one that gets too angry if someone is discriminating against a person with a disability. I have had BIG lapses with both of these goals;)

Anyway, for those who do not know me from this site, I will try to catch you up about my situation:

1) Almost 52, widowed, no kids, own my home that I built an addition (2003) on for my mom who was 80 at the time.
2) I have two older brothers that both live out of state and have both lived out of state since 1979 when my Dad committed suicide.
3) Mom has 5 grandchildren. She has not spoken to them, nor heard from them since their births. (This past March, one grandchild spoke 4 hours to her by herself.)
4) Three years ago, both older brothers (along with her niece) decided I was no longer 'capable' to keep our mom safe, keep myself safe, and tried (unsuccessfully) to move mom to my brother's house. The quote I heard from middle brother in 2013 was, "I have talked to my friends here in NC and they all agree that mom is old now (90) and you are certifiably mentally ill by the State of CT, so mom would be better off living with Dick and Dawn in NH." A BEAR WAS AWOKEN! That comment from Oswald pushed me over the edge. My mom knew exactly what was going on from Day 1. Her problem: She never spoke up. Not one word. When she did speak up, she told them one thing and yelled at me the "truth" that was the EXACT opposite from what she told them. Many examples, but I won't bore you.

5) Lawyers brought in. (mom's doing) Mom spent $50,000 and I spent $25,000 to win. We won. What I mean by "won" is that I am now POA (alone). I am now the person who makes ALL health care decisions (alone). I am the only one on the will. (her 100% decision, but I am 100% sure both brothers would declare, "you manipulated, coerced, and brainwashed mom into turning her against us." I am the only one of the life insurance policy. All MOM'S decisions. Most importantly, a NEUTRAL party is in charge of the family money, NOT one of the brothers. Thank you, Lord.

6) I was diagnosed with bipolar in 1995. I kidnapped a child I thought was being sexually abused by her father. I was in the middle of a FULL MANIC EPISODE. I was immediately arrested 21 years ago, this month, my life changed from a successful businesswoman, meeting a man I had hoped to marry someday, and, I thought, the support of my family. I didn't know the support was "with exceptions".

7) My mom and I no longer talk to either man (mom says, "they aren't men, they're rats". My mom hasn't seen either one or talked to either one for about 3 years next month. I am being blamed 100% for the split in our family. I am the one who ran this family into the ground. I am the "crazy one". I am the one certifiably mentally ill. (I was only "mentally ill" for the first 15 years, once I decided I needed to collect benefits for my illness, I became CERTIFIABLY mentally ill) I could have collected years before, but I was too ashamed and too embarrassed to become "certifiably mentally ill". Same person, same strengths, same love and support for my mother, same weaknesses, same outspoken personality, SAME PERSON.

8) Ozzie (younger of the two) and I used to have a good relationship. We used to laugh together. We used to talk about movies. We both supported Red Sox Nation. He respected me. (Me not as much toward him;(
He used to be my hero, my big brother, the one I idolized, THE PERSON of THE YEAR. That changed around my birthday in 1979. I was 15 and he was around 18. He was in my room, made a VERY stupid joke about Dad hanging himself, and then went on trying to convince me that "Dad did the best thing he could do for this family." "Come on, admit it, we will all be better off with him dead." How stupid was I when I said ...... no no no and then I finally "caved" and said...... "you are right."

9) The anger, resentment, pain, and sadness my mom has been going through over this family split is destroying me. It has destroyed her and her spirit. She yells at me daily about them. But she can't yell or say anything to either of them.

What is a primary caregiver to do??????

I will read AND respond to any suggestions ANYONE can give me!

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Great idea! I'll start thinking of other people...
Thanks for your support Blannie.
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So maybe tell your mom that you're going to get some counseling because you're strong but you recognize you need to learn some tools to make yourself happier...set the example for her.

Good luck, it's tough with a parent who puts you in the middle, because that's what she's doing. Is there anyone else she could vent to? Family friend, minister, other relative?
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Thank you, Blannie, for your time and suggestions. Mom started therapy 3 years ago and it did wonders. It helped to have her speak her mind. (finally!) She can speak to me just fine, it is her sons she clams up around. (same as the first 10 years of her marriage. Guess it is so hard to change patterns after decades.)
She looked at therapy as a weakness, I kept trying to say it is a strength to get help when you need it. (I think I got through to her;)
I like your idea of setting limits with mom. Going to be hard to do, but I know I need to take care of myself first and mom second. Hard to do sometimes....
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It sounds like your mom needs some counseling so she can grieve the loss of the "family" she envisioned and come to terms (and peace) with her decisions in life and who her sons are. It sounds like you're comfortable that the right decisions have been made (by her) and if she was OK with it, you'd be OK with it. Is that right?

If she won't get counseling for herself, then I'd get counseling for myself (if I was you) so you can learn how to set limits with mom when she starts going off on you about your brothers. You can't change who they are, you can't "fix" them or your mom's relationship with them, so you need to learn tools and skills to protect yourself from all of them (mom and brothers).

The mental illness piece was their reason/excuse, but there have been plenty of other threads on here where no mental illness was involved and siblings still treated each other badly. So I don't know that your diagnosis is critical to how to deal with your present situation.
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Pam, thank you so much for your help on this. I still need your comments on how "divide and conquer" has to do with our problems. I am a little mixed up. Mom's lawyer was specific by writing in her will her boys name's and that it is her decision and wishes that they receive nothing. I was not in the room and two other witnesses from his office were present.
I was hoping to change this post to be more about mental illness and how family can outright discriminate about a sibling who has an illness. Does anyone out there have experiences with siblings regarding mental illness?
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foxx, I don't write the probate laws, but I know we were told that if a child is completely out of the Will, they can contest it and win. So my FIL wrote his Will so that the stepchildren each got $1000 and all the rest of his estate went to his own children. Your mom could do something similar.
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Yes. It was a "hefty" tag. Punishing? Did I mention they were not part of our lives for over 30 years? I begged, over and over, year after year, for them to call Mom, Visit her with their kids, anything to connect with her. Year after year, decade after decade, the answer....."too busy". Then came decisions about the family money and mom decided she wanted a neutral person, not her son, in charge. Wow! Did the phone calls and visits start up. They called and visited in one year, more then they had called and visited for 29 years before. I agree. Maybe my mom is the architect of all the division, interesting theory, but I disagree. I have let it all go. My mom has not. Unfortunately, I have been "blessed" with bipolar and both of my brothers used this "against me" while the attorneys fought. I wish I had written to you years ago and asked how to get them to visit, call or write to my mom. BTW, why should a sibling automatically get to be part of an estate when they have done NOTHING to contribute to the elderly parents joy, care, and lives? I AM open to your suggestions. Thank you for your input.
ps. I am "on the mend" now. My docs have said to "let them go". Don't bang your head against the wall anymore to try to get them to understand your mom. They never will.
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OK, you won, but you put a hefty price tag on winning. You are punishing the brothers by cutting them out of the estate. Admit that to yourself and you will be on the mend. Honest. I tend to think that mom is the architect of all the division. Look up "divide and conquer" in the search site box.
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