Is it normal for a person with dementia to say hateful stuff, and they deny that they said it?

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Mom will say some nasty things, behind my back. Then when I ask "what was that about?" She denies that she said anything. She also does strange things, like putting here dirty tp in the wastebasket. When I ask here why she did that, she says " I saw that there, and I wondered why did someone put that there" She then says " you must have done it"!

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2TiredinFlorida, Hi! I'm in Fl too. For 6 awful years my husband turned on me and treated me as if I were his worst enemy. He'd change from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde with the same speed as a flip of a light switch. I never knew who I was dealing with from moment to moment. I became very stressed and always on guard for the next attack.

I had to set boundaries to protect myself. "our" bedroom became "mine" only. I left him due to verbal & emotional abuse. Later we had a diagnosis of dementia so I came home to be his caretaker. Sickness is different from simply abusive. But his paranoia, abuse, blaming anyone but himself, interruption of a discussion so he could spend a lot of time trying to rebuild a lost memory, confabulations, false memories and weird conclusions about what I must be thinking (without ever asking me) caused major disruptions in our lives. Does any of this sound familiar?

For the last 1.5 years my hubby has calmed down considerably, is easier to get along with, still sabotages some things I try to get done, but overall has improved 80%. I can't explain it and our neurologist won't retest him in any way.

He does strange things, too. If I write "Ritz crackers" on the shopping list, he will buy 3-4 boxes with whatever varieties there are. If I write "Silkience hand lotion" he will buy 3-4 different named lotions for me to try. He multiplies whatever is written on the shopping list. We are grossly overstocked. He shops almost daily. I even specify the number of an item needed but that only helps sometimes.

He has other strange habits, too. He will deny responsibility for something he did---mostly because he can't remember he did it or because he can't ever be wrong. It seems as if he knows he's lying, but the need to always be faultless is so strong and ingrained in him he automatically assumes someone else is at fault. I hope telling you this makes you feel better. He sounds similar to your Mom in some ways (but your Mom is less extreme).
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2Tired, learn everything you can about Dementia/Alzheimer's, arm yourself with a lot of material.

This Aging Care website has a lot of good articles about this problem. https://www.agingcare.com/Alzheimers-Dementia now scroll down to the articles of interest. You can find more material just by going up to the blue bar near the top of the page and clicking on SENIOR LIVING or any of the other titles.
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My mother does the same thing about putting dirty toilet tissue in a trash bin. I don't even like to think about it, since it isn't pleasant after a couple of days. I just put the bag in with the garbage twice a week. She started doing this when we had trouble with sewage backup. She had been loading the toilets with tissue (Charmin) and not flushing until the tissue was thick. We switched tissue brands to something easier to break down (Angel Soft), but she continued putting a lot of tissue in the trash. Now it has evolved to where she is using both the trash and the toilet without flushing. Oy.

The good thing is that the sewer hasn't backed up in a few months. Knock on wood. The bad thing is that I want to burn that trash can. P-U.
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Thanks for all your feedback! I guess I just have to learn to deal with it, and not get so angry. And to answer the question did my folks ever have a camper - NO! However when we first moved into this house, we had a problem with a backed up toilet.
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Oh, yes. I see it in the title. Then gremlins it is, for sure.
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Gremlins! That's who it is that does stuff around here too!

Dementia is mentioned in the title.
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2Tired doesn't say her mom has dementia, but it does sound like the gremlins are loose in the house. We have gremlins around here that do all kinds of mischief. They turn off the air conditioning and throw trash on the floor. They hide things and eat things they shouldn't. I think gremlins are very common in the homes of older people.
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She isn't doing it on suppose.. She really can't remember..

It's a daily struggle for both of you..As txcamper said "you have to pick your battles".

My tongue is swollen and bloody on a daily basis,but I know in my heart that this is NOT the women who raised me.. If she could go back to her old self she would in a heart beat!
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I think it is. It also depends on what stage they are in. My cousin was quite difficult at one stage. She was accuse me leaving grease on her counter top, when there was nothing there. She would be very critical too, but, it was the dementia talking. Later on, she was no longer critical or mean. She doesn't say much now. She's pretty quiet and thankful for everything I or others do for her. You never know what to expect. She may progress with new behavior, but we will have to figure a way to deal with it.

I'm sure for you it's exceptionally difficult being your mom's full time caregiver. Can you get some respite care? Try to get some time off and try to refuel your energy. Daily caregiving is a huge job. I admire anyone who can do it.
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As you will find, if you haven't already, is that there is no normal with dementia. Every person travels their own road. That being said, yes, it is common to forget what was said or done. I have to ask, did your parent's have a camper or travel trailer? Putting TP in the wastebasket is very common with self-contained toilets so as not to stop them up.

I do know that mom has developed a "thing" like a child does, where she does no wrong, it is always someone else's fault or doing.

So we develop a thick skin, we learn to live on less sleep, we learn to pick our battles, and sometimes we just have to let things go.

Hugs! and Good luck!
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