I pay a very good friend of mine to watch my MIL (Alzheimers) when I must leave the house. I've known this friend all my life and trust her completely. Anyway, when my BIL recently stopped by (unannounced)..........my MIL told him that my friend was mean and horrible. This is a flat out lie! He believed her lie and suggested that I hire someone else to stay with her." Arrrrgh!! He believes my MIL's lies. Of course, besides the fact that this makes me look bad............my friend is an angel and she does a great job. I trust her in my house. I don't want to hire someone else.
My MIL is rapidly declining.... but she can fool you if you stop by during an hour that she is "acting okay."
Yep that is the way dementia is - let us thank heavens for this site that allows us to see what the reality is even when our loved ones do not see it. My Mother is finding it harder and harder to hold on to her image as time goes by. It does not take 10 minutes anymore of talking to her to realize she does not remember anythng more like 5 minutes now. As she ages the time shortens that she is able to fool people. Sad but in a way it has made things a little easier on me as I am not getting the crazy phone calls from family members when my Mother states something as fact that is just her confabulation. I feel that I was lucky in the fact that I worked at a memory care unit for 3 years so I knew what was in store for me. Does not make it any easier when it is your Mom however.
Our mom is 87 years old. Her dementia is progressively getting worse as the months go by. We realized our Mom wasn't quite "normal" many .. Many years ago. Our Mom was never really able to be a "mom" long before she started showing signs of full blown dementia. She wasn't able to nurture any of us like most moms do. Our lives had to center around her or there was literally hell to pay! Now that the dementia is taking over she is like Jekyll and Hyde. One never knows from one day to the next who will be the subject of her verbal attacks or hostility. If she thinks something.. It then becomes reality to her. If you get up out of a chair in her presence.. It seems she has sat there mentally compiling a list of demands she wants done for her while you are up.. Get my sweater.. Check the birds food and water... I need my nails trimmed.. Is there coffee made? I could go on and on. When one sibling is there with her while the other one is out.. She bashes the other sibling to the one who is with her. This is nothing new to us.. This kind of thing started among us years ago.. With the dementia it's just getting worse. Because she is arthritic..she will not get up and down ..because she is stiff and it's somewhat difficult for her.. She then will sit and urinate on herself knowing that she wears adult diapers. This is just easier for her. She only gets up and heads to the bathroom when she has to have bowel movements. Unfortunately .. Sometimes she has waited to long to get up and loses it before she gets there. You can imagine the results of this! When you use plastic gloves when cleaning the mess up she gets indignation and says that she isn't contagious and resents it. She lives with my oldest sister and her husband. When anyone else tries to give my sister a break.. Mom will insist that you not do certain things stating that my oldest sister does this or that for her and will not allow you to do it. Mom recently fell and broke her hip. For a day she didn't complain or act any differently that she normally does. The next day she got up and was dressed. She waked out to her lounge chair and sat. She then told my sister that she needed to go to the hospital. She was asked if she could get to the car to go. She said no.. She didn't think so. An ambulance was then called. When the EMTs got there Mom proceeded to scream and cry saying she was in so much pain she couldn't stand it. Once at the hospital she told the nurses and doctor she wasn't in any pain at all. Everyday it's like you are a puppet dancing on strings that she pulls. You just have to take it a day at a time and pray to keep your own sanity to deal with it all!
Funny about the realtor, these people are just so ignorant, did they fall off a turnip truck? I would have winked at her and gave her a present of Metamucil instead of her fee.
DonnaCG, Yeah--exactly! The moment Mom let down her guard, and flagrantly went into a flirtatious, drug-seeking mode while at the Dr's, was "that" moment for me ....sure wish OTHERS had realized what was going on. She kept Social Workers and hospital Shrink totally buffalo'd--her general "break point" never appeared until she'd been talking for over 2 hours....then shed retreat to her room to regroup. Once recovered, she could talk up a storm again, but less accurately, then needed a rest to recup a bit longer...] Her ability to buffalo, kept people thinking I was crazy, and that Mom was the sane one. She very effectively cut me from her herd...it only took her several decades to do it completely. I only wish I'd figured out her games far earlier in life. I look to Gma [her Mom] and wonder why she never told me more clearly--but my other Gma kinda explained it by describing Mom's Mom's lack of ability to properly describe things. It's complicated. Just be glad you are still getting a chuckle from it. Be clear with limit-setting under your roof; and be sure to take care of YOU first, or there is nothing left to care for anyone else.
This post is so relevant to my situation. Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind when my mom pulls it together and acts so sweet, and normal in front of everyone else. I guess there is a limit as to how long she can fake it.
Funny story, A few weeks ago Mom put her house on the market so she could come and wreck my life (just kidding, I think) anyway..... I had told the realtor to please stay in touch with me as Mom has dementia and I have POA. The realtor did not always do this, and every time I reminded her she would tell me that "She seems pretty sharp to me" or she seems sharper than the rest of us etc......The realtor acted as if I were lying or up to something. The day we were closing on the house we were seated at a huge conference table in the attorney's office with the family purchasing the house, their realtor, the attorney, Mom's realtor, and myself. They are busy passing paper work around the table for all to see when I hear Mom say the word "fiber", the next thing I know she is on a long and loud tangent about her colon's history and the importance of her daily fiber. Giving everyone in the room advice on how to solve their colon problem. Her realtor had great difficulty getting her back on subject. While I was sad that mom previously so private was doing this. I couldn't help but stifle a laugh as the realtor got a peak at the person I tried to warn her about!
I can always feel it when my Mom is winding up to start telling a "story" about me. It just makes me die inside because if she gets a laugh from my expense then it is "funny." When I think back she was always this way to some degree. It has just become more pronounced as she aged. One of the things that make me so sad is the way she just seems to cling to the negative. Loves to hear stories about peoples troubles but is uninterested if something good happens to them. I guess this is just human nature. I just do not want it happening to me!
My dad is in his 70's and has alzheimers complicated by stroke. He never said a curse word in his whole life that I ever heard. Now when we are out and about riding in the car, he blurts them out intermentently. It is funny in a way. In the beginning my mother was apalled, but now I think she has gotten used to it. If only that were the least of our worries.
There are so many answers to this question. It was hard for me when I was "helping" to care for my MIL. I was accussed of stealing her things or she would ask where allher stuff went (when it was right there for here to see). She to put on a front when people came over, but especially when her son was around.....! He would come home from work and ask about the day. I'd tell him, but then my MIL would give him a whole different rendition? This, I didn't know, till I walked in on her while she was telling him her story. Still, alot for "us" to learn...... about the many, many phases of this disease! It's an ongoing saga so hang in there.....and Godbless
Colleen, I got such a tickle out of your husband's antics. Reminds me of my dad, who never lost his silly side. You're not losing it - feel free to enjoy every bit of silliness he gives you! Maybe you should even give him a mock "towel snap" when you win the tug-of-war! Gently, now.... :-)
It is also a place to VENT..if I told you how many fantasies I have about escaping youd be shocked..! lol..my favorite song is hungry heart by Bruce Springsteen. like the part..about "I went out for a ride and I never went back, like a river that dont know where its goin, I took a wrong turn and I just kept goin.." It helps me to just belt this out when I get frustrated with caregiving..we all have our coping mechanisms I guess..
LillyLu, I agree with you that the site is set up to help caregivers and, as of this moment, I am still a caregiver. I was responding to Kabeena who explained how she eventually had to get on with her life to save herself. A caregiver is no good to anyone is she/he is unable to stay healthy and functional. Cheers!
MarcWriter: Yes, they are toxic, but escaping is avoiding the responsibility of caregiving, which is what this whole site is set up for. This site is set up to help us cope with caregiving, especially when other members of the family "stay away."
My husband started a funny routine saying "She hits me" (meaning ME) and then performing as if he was dying of pain. We all laughed merrily and he thought he was so clever. Now he does it all the time, to whoever will listen!! A bit alarming. Fortunately he hams it up and you can see he's smiling so no-one takes it seriously but I am just waiting for the day when someone believes him. He's also very funny when I'm drying him off after his shower. He plays tug o' war with the towel. For some unknown reason I also find this funny. I must be losing it.
Kabeena, You make some great points. I relate because I seem to going through what you are or what you went through. I know that the only way I can save myself is to move away from my mother and my family. They are truly toxic to me. Plans are afoot for me to make my escape.
THANKS, LuckyDog55! That has been my problem for many years now too. I am the 59yr old kid. I am the idiot. She will back out of things with salesmen or church people, etc., and I have to patch it all up.
Do you remember that day at the doctor when you were told your loved one "has dementia and she's going to lose her memory." Memory is actually something that started as soon as you were born and it means literally, everything you can do. Walking is memory. Being able to dress yourself is memory. Driving a car, shopping, cooking is memory. Its everything we do, from chewing and swallowing food, to recognizing pain in my lower tummy mean I need to go to the bathroom. Memory is my ability to find the bathroom, unfasten my clothes, use the toilet, clean myself, put my clothes back on correctly and return to what I was doing. One of your oldest and strongest memories is the "social conversation." You use it all the time. A stranger says "Hi, how are you?" Without thinking you answer "I'm fine." It's your social skills at work. They are an almost automatic response. Your loved one comes from a generation who have great social skills and that's what skill she is using when she's out in public. She may even use humor as a part of her social conversation and this allows her to appear to be functioning at the doctor's office or grocery store. She learned it as a young child so it is a deeply rooted long term memory. In time, as the disease process continues, the social conversation will become shorter and shorter and will finally disappear as her language skills cease. In the meantime, she will fool doctors, neighbors, her children, etc., and in doing so may drive you to distraction.
Kabeena, that is part of it--that is part of the elder's attempts to keep up appearances--at all costs--& they do not care, at who's cost it is. THE Prime Directive is to keep up "normal" appearances.
IF they remember they said rotten things, it somehow instantly morphs into more neutral words in their memories. OR, they call another relative, to off-load their guilt. Mom used to say/do rotten things to someone, then call me to confess "I think I really hurt so-and-so's feelings....etc." BUT--would NOT usually say who's feelings, nor exactly what she'd said or done. Knowing her, I had a pretty good idea what it was, if I knew who. I learned the hard way, though, she NEVER intended me to contact that target person, she only wanted to confess to someone....never to say she was sorry to that target person, just lighten her own burden a bit by "confessing" to someone else [she was not even raised Catholic!]. The times I made the mistake of contacting the target person to let them know how badly Mom felt, how contrite, ended up getting back to Mom, & turning me into the target. This is all part of "Basic Instinct drive" to cover up their weaknesses.
ALSO, when they are driving on you, they use whatever they know from your personal history, that can cause emotional harm--they know you too well, & use it as verbal/emotional weaponry. I had family sitting right here, who couldn't understand why/how Mom could tear me to bits so easily. Honestly, I cannot figure out how she did it--never could. No training in communication skills, no coping mechanisms, no experience or education, helped me reduce the verbal [& sometimes physical] hits she delivered. Over a year later, still trying to sort out & repair damages from her onslaughts, & from family shunning. Bottom line, I had to choose to take a different path than they seem happy staying on. Since I am making healthy changes, & refusing to allow getting "hooked" into their behaviors anymore, it's helping me feel better, &, funny thing, THEY are now accusing me of what they have been perpetrating. ....& their beat goes on. Grieving loss of family is overwhelming; I not only lost Mom [never had her, really], but have lost the tenuous family connections with siblings. Now though, after observing what has gone on: they all spent more time with Mom all their lives than I had, & they therefore took on more of her behaviors than I had. They choose to stay that way. I choose change. That always means something's gotta give--either they will "wake up" & choose differently too, or we stop relating as a family & part ways. It seems the latter is what has happened. I didn't close the door, they did, so it is on them. Not going back to bedlam.
I still keep praying for them, and for me, too, for healing. It's the best I can do, and most neutral thing possible. I can only change me; can only operate on what I know.
Kabeeena, Because of episodes like the one you describe (I've been through similar public embarrassments), I dread going out in public with my mother. Of course, no one in my family will acknowledge my nearly unbearable situation, because it would imply they would have to help me or that my mother actually was mentally ill and that might disrupt their cushy lives.
Me, too! When I first started caregiving for my mom, I had a few meltdowns that resulted in my mother comforting me and acting like, gee you're realy upset about something, what's the matter? (really wanting me to talk) and when I would tell her what she did, she would absolutely deny she did those things. I tried telling her to at least say, "I don't remember doing that, but if I did, I'm sorry", and I think I actually got her to say it once or twice, but eventually telling her what she did or expecting an apology became futile (so did meltdowns). In her earlier stages, one of her favorite things to say, when I was trying to help her with something I could see her struggling with, or doing wrong, or doing dangerously, was (in a real put-down tone) "Karen, how many years have I been (cooking, cleaning, ...you fill in the blank)? And how many years have YOU been (...cooking, cleaning, ...you fill in the blank)? ....? As if, by the time I'm in my 50's, I still would not be as good at simple, basic chores as she was. One of the first times she did this, (back when she was able to look normal in public) we were grocery shopping, and there were heavy items in the bottom of the cart. We were at the checkout stand, and she was putting the items on the conveyer belt. I said, "Here, I'll help you with these", and reached into the cart to get the heavy items out (she had been complaining of a sore back, and I knew they would be too heavy for her). She said, in a loud voice so everyone would hear, "Karen, how many years have I been grocery shopping?.....etc., etc., etc., ....? You could hear a pin drop, the cashier and all the customers around were staring in awkward silence. I stepped back and let her do it, and when she tried to lift the heavy items, she said, in a whimpery tone, "Would you please lift these? They're too heavy, and my back hurts" (implying I had been neglectful, and should have offered to help!). I sighed and helped her and got us out of there as quickly as I could. Of course, afterwards I thought I should have said, "You're the expert, You don't need my help. Do it yourself!"
ElderlyandADHD, I'm sorry you have to go through such pain and embarrassment. I experience similar humiliation from my mother. The worst is what you mention, everyone thinking that I'm the villain or the liar because my mother is such a master at covering her tracks and acting the part of a normal person. The lying can really get to you and when confronted the constant denial can make the caregiver feel as though she's going mad. I know.
I cringe when I take my mother out. She will say things to people that are absolutely horrid, like my father died of COLON CANCER 15 years ago, I was living out of State and they visited me and he was sick, well, he happened to DIE while he was visiting me out of state. So, a few years ago, at a hair dressers appointment, she was making a bunch of jokes about me and had the whole salon laughing..I mean rolling at my expense, fat..stupid you name it kinda jokes, not nice comments, and then she pulled the biggest punch,,saying you know I really love my daughter, even after she KILLED her father...the whole room went silent..I had to step in and tell them, she blames me for the fact he died as she was visiting me from out of state when he died, somehow she believes if he wasnt visiting me he would still be alive..which she actually believes I guess.. When I take her any place I cringe about what little jewels will come out of her mouth. And she looks very sane and when she is out she too is like all together. When I get home, I used to confront her about all the ugly things she said and she says..I did not say those things, why are you such a terrible liar? uhhhhhh, now I just cringe, cause I know its coming. And the public not being to knowledgable about dementia, thinks I am a real creep...Ill just crawl under my rock now..bye...lol
Wow! Chimonger, you're writing my history! It's so nice to find people who are experiencing the bizarro world that is living with a parent who has dementia. Thanks for your comments.
EXACTLY! Even a person far gone into dementia, at some level, still knows some things. They will somehow try to communicate ideas/wants, if they ever knew how to in the first place. But mostly, a person will do everything they can, to keep others fooled into thinking they are OK. That is why those who have had a stroke will often try to pretend they are fine; why any animal tries to cover their injuries/illnesses/defects: IF a creature admits/shows illness/injury/defects, they become instantly vulnerable to attack, or perceived attack. Creatures do just about anything to cover up weaknesses, to protect themselves. It is driven by "Basic Survival Instinct" [lower brain function], which all creatures have, which can operate fairly removed from conscious control.
I have learned more AFTER Mom got moved out, than I ever knew before...
==NOT all health care practitioners are savvy that someone with a Dementia, can be a terrific Showtimer: making the leap from knowing that, to recognizing it, stumps too many. ==Not all health care practitioners [or anyone else!] can do good assessments, nor do they really seem to care: IF something is a bit outside their knowledge or experience base, people tend to ignore it; it does not register as significant, or, it registers as a frustration, not something that needs done anything about. ===Recognizing & labeling an elder with dementia, has personal ramifications for practitioners and family members: people want to believe it really isn't happening; they want to help the elder keep going as they always have--it helps others keep believing things are not so bad, & subconsciously, it won't happen to them, personally. ==Harder, is trying to discern where an elder's lifetime-dysfunctional behaviors, leave off, & dementia begins. ==FAMILY, who have known the elder all their lives, can be fooled, or do not want to admit it, as it might mean they are also at risk; OR, are angry at the caregiver &/or the elder: they call it "paybacks", & do whatever they can to make things even more difficult for the caregiver & the elder.
In our family, my siblings KNEW about Mom's behaviors, yet, did so many things that totally blocked getting her the proper help she needed. They needed to step up to the plate, & encourage Mom to go along with getting evaluated & helped, instead of blocking my efforts at every turn. Now they wonder that I no longer speak with them, unless it is in the briefest terms, only as necessary?
Beware relatives who say/do things to block the elder getting helped, such as: ---Sibling comments AFTER-the-fact: "Why did you move Mom to your place? She could have stayed with us!" [never mind Mom begged me to take her in, AND, the others refused or avoided to keep her at the time Mom needed moved..the suggestion was that I was railroading Mom, or denying them access...] ---"Why do you need to tell the Doc about Mom's drinking? " [& contacted her Docs, telling them she is totally fine, always has been, & telling Docs the caregiver is crazy...] ---"Why do you need to tell the Docs Mom used drugs in the past? " [never mind Mom has repeatedly demonstrated drug-seeking behaviors & used pills to try suicide in the past] ---"Why do you need to tell the Doc Mom has had suicidal behaviors or thoughts in the past, or now? " [as if that behavior does not repeat?!] ---"It's your fault Mom had to go to ER for bleeding polyps"; or, never got treated for other ailments she refused to be seen for... [& helps hype Mom up about that, via phone calls]" ---"Let Mom buy whatever she wants, she deserves it" [despite her history of mega-hoarding, they encouraged her to do so via phone, & told me I should allow/help her do it]" ---"You took Mom's money!" [Even though Mom had history of known, recorded behaviors of mishandling large amounts of cash all her life, hoarding/hiding/losing/giving away to strangers & other family...] ---"It's your fault Mom cannot get around." [despite her long-standing incapacity for getting licensed, driving, paying bills to upkeep a vehicle; on record of being kicked off a Senior transit bus...] ---"Just leave her at home; she'll be fine--we left Mom to herself lots of times.." [a short 3 month stay at another relative's][Mom was moved out of that there, & the bedroom was immediately stripped & converted to other use--yet that relative claimed "no problems, we got along fine"; ---"Just let her do things her way..." [Pool stove burners/top with oil? Leave stove burners on? Leave frying food untended on stove while she gets side-tracked watching TV for hours? Flush cloth rags down toilet? Keep open & rotting food in her room? Allow her to hoard-pile the house? Burn open candles in her 6' high-hoarded room? Set out rodent poison next to open food in her room? Allow her to bleach-soak her pottie bucket in her closed, unvented room, while she sits in there?.....her way. Yep, that'll do'er!] ---Encouraging Mom via phone calls to say/do things to "help her cope" with things they knew nothing about, regarding people they didn't know much if anything about, including setting up "interventions" like they watch on reality TV... ---Via Phone calls, revving Mom up with emotional, global generality statements, then goading her to act-out; ---Telling Mom, via phone, to keep to herself [she already drastically isolates], as a solution; & help her choose to avoid trying to mix with other people or go to Senior Centers, etc. ---Encouraging her to buy/collect stuff to build a rustic cabin out in the woods--though she has never managed very well in a civilized setting! ---etc.
I wish I'd found Aging Care long before Mom was moved out of our home. It could have really helped in finding help we needed.
I pray you learn much on these pages; people have shared so much of their knowledge and experience, as well as given good reference to helpful agencies and methods. It is too late for our family, but hopefully not too late for yours!
Same here..my mother is a "master of disguise"..to her friends/acquaintances my mother appears normal and has it all together..little do they know what I am enduring here..
It's true that they are like this. I'm not even sure they understand what it is they are doing, but they are on the best possible behavior and in my mothers case she is very witty!! Anyone who meets her for the first time or family members that only spend a couple of hours with her are all so surprised to hear she has Alzheimer's. I let her have those moments, they are important to her at the moment and they are no skin off my back. Her doctors and family know what's up and if I get any problems from family members who are not sure she really has Alzheimer's I simply tell them to come for a 3 day visit and take care of mother and then we will discuss it. :-)
I posted on this thread when it first began.... about S walking right when the Nurse was there, yesterday, same thing, he will NOT pick up his feet,and it is so frustrating sometimes when I am in emergency mode to tend to M.... yesterday I asked his HH RN to get him to walk so she could observe ... and off across the room he went...... this time I didn't think it was funny...... so today when he started that and I needed to get down the hall to M, I put him in the wheelchair.... !!!! So who knows, he is in stage 7 of Alz.... go figure....
My MIL is rapidly declining.... but she can fool you if you stop by during an hour that she is "acting okay."
Yeah--exactly!
The moment Mom let down her guard, and flagrantly went into a flirtatious, drug-seeking mode while at the Dr's, was "that" moment for me
....sure wish OTHERS had realized what was going on.
She kept Social Workers and hospital Shrink totally buffalo'd--her general "break point" never appeared until she'd been talking for over 2 hours....then shed retreat to her room to regroup. Once recovered, she could talk up a storm again, but less accurately, then needed a rest to recup a bit longer...]
Her ability to buffalo, kept people thinking I was crazy, and that Mom was the sane one.
She very effectively cut me from her herd...it only took her several decades to do it completely. I only wish I'd figured out her games far earlier in life.
I look to Gma [her Mom] and wonder why she never told me more clearly--but my other Gma kinda explained it by describing Mom's Mom's lack of ability to properly describe things. It's complicated.
Just be glad you are still getting a chuckle from it.
Be clear with limit-setting under your roof; and be sure to take care of YOU first, or there is nothing left to care for anyone else.
Funny story, A few weeks ago Mom put her house on the market so she could come and wreck my life (just kidding, I think) anyway..... I had told the realtor to please stay in touch with me as Mom has dementia and I have POA. The realtor did not always do this, and every time I reminded her she would tell me that "She seems pretty sharp to me" or she seems sharper than the rest of us etc......The realtor acted as if I were lying or up to something. The day we were closing on the house we were seated at a huge conference table in the attorney's office with the family purchasing the house, their realtor, the attorney, Mom's realtor, and myself. They are busy passing paper work around the table for all to see when I hear Mom say the word "fiber", the next thing I know she is on a long and loud tangent about her colon's history and the importance of her daily fiber. Giving everyone in the room advice on how to solve their colon problem. Her realtor had great difficulty getting her back on subject. While I was sad that mom previously so private was doing this. I couldn't help but stifle a laugh as the realtor got a peak at the person I tried to warn her about!
I agree with you that the site is set up to help caregivers and, as of this moment, I am still a caregiver. I was responding to Kabeena who explained how she eventually had to get on with her life to save herself. A caregiver is no good to anyone is she/he is unable to stay healthy and functional. Cheers!
He's also very funny when I'm drying him off after his shower. He plays tug o' war with the towel. For some unknown reason I also find this funny. I must be losing it.
You make some great points. I relate because I seem to going through what you are or what you went through. I know that the only way I can save myself is to move away from my mother and my family. They are truly toxic to me. Plans are afoot for me to make my escape.
Memory is actually something that started as soon as you were born and it means literally, everything you can do. Walking is memory. Being able to dress yourself is memory. Driving a car, shopping, cooking is memory. Its everything we do, from chewing and swallowing food, to recognizing pain in my lower tummy mean I need to go to the bathroom.
Memory is my ability to find the bathroom, unfasten my clothes, use the toilet, clean myself, put my clothes back on correctly and return to what I was doing.
One of your oldest and strongest memories is the "social conversation." You use it all the time. A stranger says "Hi, how are you?" Without thinking you answer "I'm fine." It's your social skills at work. They are an almost automatic response.
Your loved one comes from a generation who have great social skills and that's what skill she is using when she's out in public. She may even use humor as a part of her social conversation and this allows her to appear to be functioning at the doctor's office or grocery store. She learned it as a young child so it is a deeply rooted long term memory.
In time, as the disease process continues, the social conversation will become shorter and shorter and will finally disappear as her language skills cease. In the meantime, she will fool doctors, neighbors, her children, etc., and in doing so may drive you to distraction.
THE Prime Directive is to keep up "normal" appearances.
IF they remember they said rotten things, it somehow instantly morphs into more neutral words in their memories.
OR, they call another relative, to off-load their guilt.
Mom used to say/do rotten things to someone, then call me to confess "I think I really hurt so-and-so's feelings....etc." BUT--would NOT usually say who's feelings, nor exactly what she'd said or done.
Knowing her, I had a pretty good idea what it was, if I knew who.
I learned the hard way, though, she NEVER intended me to contact that target person, she only wanted to confess to someone....never to say she was sorry to that target person, just lighten her own burden a bit by "confessing" to someone else [she was not even raised Catholic!]. The times I made the mistake of contacting the target person to let them know how badly Mom felt, how contrite, ended up getting back to Mom, & turning me into the target.
This is all part of "Basic Instinct drive" to cover up their weaknesses.
ALSO, when they are driving on you, they use whatever they know from your personal history, that can cause emotional harm--they know you too well, & use it as verbal/emotional weaponry.
I had family sitting right here, who couldn't understand why/how Mom could tear me to bits so easily.
Honestly, I cannot figure out how she did it--never could.
No training in communication skills, no coping mechanisms, no experience or education, helped me reduce the verbal [& sometimes physical] hits she delivered.
Over a year later, still trying to sort out & repair damages from her onslaughts, & from family shunning.
Bottom line, I had to choose to take a different path than they seem happy staying on. Since I am making healthy changes, & refusing to allow getting "hooked" into their behaviors anymore, it's helping me feel better, &, funny thing, THEY are now accusing me of what they have been perpetrating.
....& their beat goes on.
Grieving loss of family is overwhelming; I not only lost Mom [never had her, really], but have lost the tenuous family connections with siblings.
Now though, after observing what has gone on: they all spent more time with Mom all their lives than I had, & they therefore took on more of her behaviors than I had.
They choose to stay that way.
I choose change.
That always means something's gotta give--either they will "wake up" & choose differently too, or we stop relating as a family & part ways.
It seems the latter is what has happened.
I didn't close the door, they did, so it is on them.
Not going back to bedlam.
I still keep praying for them, and for me, too, for healing. It's the best I can do, and most neutral thing possible. I can only change me; can only operate on what I know.
Because of episodes like the one you describe (I've been through similar public embarrassments), I dread going out in public with my mother. Of course, no one in my family will acknowledge my nearly unbearable situation, because it would imply they would have to help me or that my mother actually was mentally ill and that might disrupt their cushy lives.
In her earlier stages, one of her favorite things to say, when I was trying to help her with something I could see her struggling with, or doing wrong, or doing dangerously, was (in a real put-down tone) "Karen, how many years have I been (cooking, cleaning, ...you fill in the blank)? And how many years have YOU been (...cooking, cleaning, ...you fill in the blank)? ....? As if, by the time I'm in my 50's, I still would not be as good at simple, basic chores as she was. One of the first times she did this, (back when she was able to look normal in public) we were grocery shopping, and there were heavy items in the bottom of the cart. We were at the checkout stand, and she was putting the items on the conveyer belt. I said, "Here, I'll help you with these", and reached into the cart to get the heavy items out (she had been complaining of a sore back, and I knew they would be too heavy for her). She said, in a loud voice so everyone would hear, "Karen, how many years have I been grocery shopping?.....etc., etc., etc., ....? You could hear a pin drop, the cashier and all the customers around were staring in awkward silence. I stepped back and let her do it, and when she tried to lift the heavy items, she said, in a whimpery tone, "Would you please lift these? They're too heavy, and my back hurts" (implying I had been neglectful, and should have offered to help!). I sighed and helped her and got us out of there as quickly as I could. Of course, afterwards I thought I should have said, "You're the expert, You don't need my help. Do it yourself!"
I experience similar humiliation from my mother. The worst is what you mention,
everyone thinking that I'm the villain or the liar because my mother is such a master at covering her tracks and acting the part of a normal person. The lying can really get to you and when confronted the constant denial can make the caregiver feel as though she's going mad. I know.
Even a person far gone into dementia, at some level, still knows some things. They will somehow try to communicate ideas/wants, if they ever knew how to in the first place.
But mostly, a person will do everything they can, to keep others fooled into thinking they are OK.
That is why those who have had a stroke will often try to pretend they are fine;
why any animal tries to cover their injuries/illnesses/defects:
IF a creature admits/shows illness/injury/defects, they become instantly vulnerable to attack, or perceived attack.
Creatures do just about anything to cover up weaknesses, to protect themselves.
It is driven by "Basic Survival Instinct" [lower brain function], which all creatures have, which can operate fairly removed from conscious control.
I have learned more AFTER Mom got moved out, than I ever knew before...
==NOT all health care practitioners are savvy that someone with a Dementia, can be a terrific Showtimer: making the leap from knowing that, to recognizing it, stumps too many.
==Not all health care practitioners [or anyone else!] can do good assessments, nor do they really seem to care: IF something is a bit outside their knowledge or experience base, people tend to ignore it; it does not register as significant, or, it registers as a frustration, not something that needs done anything about.
===Recognizing & labeling an elder with dementia, has personal ramifications for practitioners and family members: people want to believe it really isn't happening; they want to help the elder keep going as they always have--it helps others keep believing things are not so bad, & subconsciously, it won't happen to them, personally.
==Harder, is trying to discern where an elder's lifetime-dysfunctional behaviors, leave off, & dementia begins.
==FAMILY, who have known the elder all their lives, can be fooled,
or do not want to admit it, as it might mean they are also at risk;
OR, are angry at the caregiver &/or the elder: they call it "paybacks", & do whatever they can to make things even more difficult for the caregiver & the elder.
In our family, my siblings KNEW about Mom's behaviors, yet, did so many things that totally blocked getting her the proper help she needed.
They needed to step up to the plate, & encourage Mom to go along with getting evaluated & helped, instead of blocking my efforts at every turn.
Now they wonder that I no longer speak with them, unless it is in the briefest terms, only as necessary?
Beware relatives who say/do things to block the elder getting helped,
such as:
---Sibling comments AFTER-the-fact: "Why did you move Mom to your place? She could have stayed with us!" [never mind Mom begged me to take her in, AND, the others refused or avoided to keep her at the time Mom needed moved..the suggestion was that I was railroading Mom, or denying them access...]
---"Why do you need to tell the Doc about Mom's drinking? " [& contacted her Docs, telling them she is totally fine, always has been, & telling Docs the caregiver is crazy...]
---"Why do you need to tell the Docs Mom used drugs in the past? " [never mind Mom has repeatedly demonstrated drug-seeking behaviors & used pills to try suicide in the past]
---"Why do you need to tell the Doc Mom has had suicidal behaviors or thoughts in the past, or now? " [as if that behavior does not repeat?!]
---"It's your fault Mom had to go to ER for bleeding polyps"; or, never got treated for other ailments she refused to be seen for... [& helps hype Mom up about that, via phone calls]"
---"Let Mom buy whatever she wants, she deserves it" [despite her history of mega-hoarding, they encouraged her to do so via phone, & told me I should allow/help her do it]"
---"You took Mom's money!" [Even though Mom had history of known, recorded behaviors of mishandling large amounts of cash all her life, hoarding/hiding/losing/giving away to strangers & other family...]
---"It's your fault Mom cannot get around." [despite her long-standing incapacity for getting licensed, driving, paying bills to upkeep a vehicle; on record of being kicked off a Senior transit bus...]
---"Just leave her at home; she'll be fine--we left Mom to herself lots of times.." [a short 3 month stay at another relative's][Mom was moved out of that there, & the bedroom was immediately stripped & converted to other use--yet that relative claimed "no problems, we got along fine";
---"Just let her do things her way..." [Pool stove burners/top with oil? Leave stove burners on? Leave frying food untended on stove while she gets side-tracked watching TV for hours? Flush cloth rags down toilet? Keep open & rotting food in her room? Allow her to hoard-pile the house? Burn open candles in her 6' high-hoarded room? Set out rodent poison next to open food in her room? Allow her to bleach-soak her pottie bucket in her closed, unvented room, while she sits in there?.....her way. Yep, that'll do'er!]
---Encouraging Mom via phone calls to say/do things to "help her cope" with things they knew nothing about, regarding people they didn't know much if anything about, including setting up "interventions" like they watch on reality TV...
---Via Phone calls, revving Mom up with emotional, global generality statements, then goading her to act-out;
---Telling Mom, via phone, to keep to herself [she already drastically isolates], as a solution; & help her choose to avoid trying to mix with other people or go to Senior Centers, etc.
---Encouraging her to buy/collect stuff to build a rustic cabin out in the woods--though she has never managed very well in a civilized setting!
---etc.
I wish I'd found Aging Care long before Mom was moved out of our home.
It could have really helped in finding help we needed.
I pray you learn much on these pages; people have shared so much of their knowledge and experience, as well as given good reference to helpful agencies and methods. It is too late for our family, but hopefully not too late for yours!
Welcome to the altered universe of caregivers for dementia afflicted parents.