I feel SO much better knowing that my husband and I aren't the only ones going through this! His mother is 85, and insists that she does t have dementia. His father has dementia, and she insists that she can take care of him, even though he's fallen and she just let him lay there for 15 minutes because she couldn't physically help him. She refused to call anyone, but just told him that he would need to get himself up. She sweet-talks everyone, including her doctor's, and she has them all fooled. She garners sympathy from people, saying that her son won't come and help her with her lawn care and her landlord is going to be upset with her, so that the person listening would come right away to do it. In reality, my husband told her that he was going to come the very next day, but SHE wanted it done immediately. She's sweet as pie to everyone but us, even though we moved to another state in order to be in the same town as them to help! She's making horrible decisions, and not listening to us at all, but no one in her social circles believes it because of the things she's told them about us.
It's drives me nuts when Mom's so mellow with doctors/church members/people who don't see her all the time, etc., and they tell me how "sweet" she is. They never see how nasty "Helen Wheels" is to her family. Amazing how dementia patients can be so selective, isn't it?
@komentaightor We've talked to the VNA and Senior Companions, had people from both come out ... NO ONE wants to be in her presence for lengths of time she is so insufferable! I don't just doubt but I can almost guarantee any church volunteers would be driven to insanity much like my partner and I have been. As far as money goes all she receives is SSI and that goes to pay all the bills each month. Anything leftover is what we use to buy whatever is needed to fix up her severely neglected house. She has investments and assets but even with guardianship we technically cannot touch those without my partners moms consent. As far as taking a break ... it would be great but we have nothing to go anywhere or do anything anyway. When I say we gave up everything I mean EVERYTHING! Family, friends, co-workers, jobs, health (physical and mental), and personal space! We basically have a studio apartment inside her moms house where she can disturb us at will and believe me when I say there is nothing more infuriating than trying to relax for even an hour and hear a knocking at our "apartment" door. As far as the police go, the officer that came to the house knows for a fact she is lying. As described before he was very confused when he came in and saw nothing was as it had been described. And she probably does not even lie on purpose I've determined because of the alcohol damage to her brain (confabulation). I think she really believes everything she told the officer as true. cuz I sure as h*ll know the neighbor does and she'd never even set foot in our house before that incident. Point being we don't need to be here but we're now stuck here at least until we sort out everything legally with the Elder Law firm we contacted. Even after that though if we still have nothing we'll be homeless on the street. Rant over ... not even sure if what I've just typed makes sense I'm so far beyond stressed at this point
For midevil138, you and your partner need a break - a real break from this woman. Please ask your doctor if it would be possible to prescribe some fairly strong tranquilisers for a short while to damp down her behaviour. You say you "gave up everything" to take care of her, but it sounds to me like you need to have caregivers coming to your house regularly so that you can both go out a get a break. Can you get any money from her own income to pay for this? If not, please go to a local church and ask if they have any strong-minded volunteers who offer to visit the sick and ask for a rota of them to swing by your house for a morning or so. Their evidence can be added to yours to brief local police and social services that your care is good and that your mother is telling lies. If the local church won't help, go online and ask for visiting help - to come and converse with your mother and keep her company while you can both leave the house together. Try it. In my own case, it was the reports of day visitors for a couple of months that convinced my friend's doctor that the Alzheimer's had progressed far further than he realised. Get help - it doesn't have to be paid. But also listen to what they say. There is no need to make yourself penniless, and there is no need to give in to your partner's mother's every demand. In fact, better not to. Good luck!
Oh yes. I take care if a woman who can hold on a conversation with the bus driver, answers the telephone in the most cheerful voice, yet inside the house she is completely different. Her medical paperwork does not tell the full story of what is really going on either this person. She is afraid that her family will put her in a nursing home, so she's very careful about what she says and how she says it. And the award for Best Actress in a Drama goes to........
My Great-Aunt Ruth fooled everyone that came to determine if she had dementia.
Until a dear friend who was also head nurse at a prominent NYC hospital called in a friend in the field to "ask the right questions" and then it was proven that Aunt Ruth could no longer live on her own. She could fool anyone for 5-20 minutes if the right questions were not asked. It's sad, it's a debilitating condition/disease. But she had become a danger to herself and all those living in her apartment building - it was a stove fire waiting to happen and she also smoked nonstop.
So yes, they can fool the people some of the time - I guess this is ShowTimers?
About short term memory. My wife, second marriage, remembers everything her kids say and nothing of what we've done or what I've said over the past 17 years of our marriage. So much for impressive actions.: ))
My partner and her mother just got back from the neurologist ... I was right. It was in fact alcohol related. She doesn't have dementia or at least not bad enough to need a guardian and its thanks to my partner and I taking good care of her. She has probably been manipulating us for months. Now the problem is my partner and I are in a sinking ship without a buoy. We don't need to be here but now we have nowhere to go having given up everything to take care of her.
Midevil...........what a horror story! "Funny" thing though; my 90 y/o super-manipulative mother was diagnosed with progressive dementia back in December. The neurologist at the hospital said to take her off of all the medications she was on that were probably CAUSING the 'dementia', and guess what? She's had a miraculous 'recovery'. I believe it's quite possible for drugs *and especially steroids/Prednisone* to cause what appears to be dementia. The good news, for me, is that she lives in an ALF so I only have to deal with her BS once a week (as a rule).
I sure hope you figure out how to save you and your partner's lives here. I'm sorry for your pain, dear one.
My partner and I have been taking care of her mother for 10 months now since she came home from a memory care center. The doctors claimed she has dementia and required 'round the clock supervision and care. The state granted my partner full guardianship. Here's where it gets mind boggling. The mother and daughter have a VERY turbulent past. To say they do not love one another is an understatement. The mother has always been very manipulative, arrogant, condescending, and a know it all. The last few months she keeps insisting she can take care of herself and has made every attempt to get us to leave. But for the grand finale ... recently (about a month ago) she starting visiting a neighbor and has been telling her many jaded stories. We had the last straw when earlier this week the neighbors daughter came over, woke us up out of bed, and started yelling at us claiming elder abuse. We called the cops within minutes of this transgression as did she. When the cop finally arrived my partner was the first to talk to him. After a brief but detailed conversation he approached the mother and neighbor who were across the street. The mother reconfirmed EVERYTHING that my partner had told the cop except for one big discrepancy ... she excluded every detail that made her (the mother) look bad. After a very long conversation with the mother and the neighbor the cop came back to the house. He looked around the house and was very confused. Not only was every detrimental thing she said about us a lie, but from the looks of the house she was being very well taken care of ... and we do. Going back to the mother being manipulative though. She asks for something, we buy it. She does nothing with it. Shes asks for a particular food, we buy it. She then claims she can't eat it (she has no teeth and refuses to wear her dentures which were very expensive). Just yesterday she asked the neighbor to buy her a bunch of tv dinner lasagnas saying we don't buy them for her. We stopped buying them for her because she told us she couldn't chew them! We do EVERYTHING, short of wiping her a**, for her but there is never so much as a thank you. She combats us on everything sticking her nose up in the air at us when she doesn't like what we've suggested ... which is everything. We gave up our jobs and lives to take care of her. WE HAVE NOTHING! The point I'm trying to make is we don't believe she has dementia at all anymore. SHES GETTING SMARTER! Doing some serious research the last few weeks I've found a number of clues suggesting it is or was pseudodementia. For starters she was a severe alcoholic and chain smoker (still a chain smoker) before my partner and I intervened but, when the hospital did scans they found absolutely no evidence of any damage to her liver or lungs. After her getting proper nuitrition for months and months it is possible to reverse alcohol related dementia if its caught soon enough. To top it off she has a bad hip and has for almost 20 years. For those almost 20 years she'd been taking Prednisone. My research concluded that steroids like that can lead to dementia as well but can be reversed within months after stopping the steroid (which we had). The psyche ward said they ran a CT and that it confirmed dementia but this was only a week after we brought her to the hospital. We never got to see that scan. I'm no doctor but I've seen enough of my own brain damage MRIs and CTs to know what I'm looking at. We are now having another doctor request such scans because we truly believe she manipulated us and the system to get us to be her personal slaves. She is and has always been that manipulative of a person. What do we do? We can't take it anymore. We are finishing up whatever half done projects we have at her house then signing her over as a ward to the state unless someone has a brilliant solution to this atrocious nightmare we are living. Since we have nothing to fall back on since we gave up our lives to care for her, we will become homeless after signing over her life to the state.
use your smart phone to video some of this "behind the scenes behavior". I know my brother isn't seeing dads dementia because he only goes over there like 3 times a month MAYBE. Tuesday he finally saw it when he realized dad didn't know what time of year it was. but he will ask normal questions and seem just "quiet" to my brother ,, but to me I see the slip ups.
MarciWriter, There are ways to get around going to the dr with your mother. For instance, when I took my mom to her dr, I wrote the dr a note and gave it to the receptionist to have the dr read before her appt. Then the dr gave me a knowing look to say she'd read it. She took time to address my mom's issues with her. Then she referred us to a neurologist who worked really well with me. We got her on the right meds and she's doing good right now. Hope you can get some things working for you as well.
Oh yes...for sure !!! Dad would do it repeatedly ; he didn't know that since I was taking care of both Dad and Mom I had to keep notes...which I did on the sly. So when Dad started to 'perform' at the dr appts, I would just dive right in and say " oh no, that's not true, Dad" and try to make it humorous because I always tried to keep his dignity (and right up to the very end, too !!!)...Mom has always tries to be 'cute' but again once I started to see it happen more and more (and where it would affect the medical care she should be receiving) I would speak up...but with Mom I'd have to be more firm and not give in to her denials...also, I would give notes to their drs and even give them the dates they would have had a medical problem so they knew I was really telling the truth and could give them both the medical care they actually needed...by me doing the notes, and speaking up at the dr appts the drs knew I could provide blood counts, pressures, weights, etc and certain behaviors that they could trust. It kept my Dad living an extra 5 yrs when his body finally just gave out and he was tired of having so many limitations...Mom has the Alzheimers and her drs will ask her questions but they follow my notes since I do the same for her...if you give dates with examples, and let the dr ask the patient questions, I guarantee you in a short timeframe the dr will believe you...everyone tries to maintain the patient's dignity and don't want to come out and directly call them a 'liar' but they have to be able to know who they can trust to give them the true medical conditions so they know how to accurately diagnosis and treat them. I know it's frustrating; believe me, I went thru it also until the drs started to see the discrepancies between my notes and what Dad/Mom were telling their drs. Just try to maintain calm (I know it's very hard ) and your notes and 'your 2 cents worth' go a long way with the drs....never lose your temper and just focus on the medical care of your loved one...Peace :)
Just like kids! My mom told me when she went to a teacher's conference for my sister, the teacher said something about "these quiet children". My mom really thought she was talking about the wrong student! Now my mom is the one on her best behavior out and about and looking at me like I'm crazy if I tell the Dr or physical therapist that she can't even pull up her own pants.
I'm surprised more people haven't tried videotaping their showtiming LO--that might be more effective than describing the situations. Obviously it would need a setup that is very unnoticeable, but there are more things available all the time. The MIL of a friend had just been in a very nice AL facility when her long-term care insurance sent someone to evaluate her--and she told them that of course she could cook for herself and bathe herself, and they wouldn't listen to the DIL who knew very well she couldn't. Too many people are not aware of how dementia can actually work.
Darcy123: read up on statin meds for cholesterol--one of the known side effects is memory problems. I noticed it when they had me on it some years ago; got off of it and noticed my brain fog clearing in about 2 weeks, although I think I still have some residual effects. (And research indicates that older women do better on higher cholesterol.)
My husband did this with the doctor for quite some time even though I came to the appointment with him. I contacted the doc via email and was able to correct the blatant lies my husband told him. Since then, he is receiving very good and appropriate care. Don has always been a show-off and flirts with the checkers in the grocery store every chance he gets. It's embarrassing and even hurts me a little since he never flirts with me. Now that he has dementia, I say don't anything. I let him flirt and be happy.
For about two years my husband fooled our grown kids. They would come for Sunday dinner he would be quiet and calm . Then when they left he would be mean with me.His Dr.has him on a pill for depression and a sedative once a day.He also takes 1/2 Xanax after lunch.This helps some but now he has sundowners. I pray a lot for strength.I am his caregiver 24 / 7.It is very hard sometimes. Rene.
YES! This is why my mother had such a difficult time getting POA to put her Aunt into a home and close her existing apartment. The apartment couldn't be closed without it. She fooled every doctor that came around to check on her. Finally a dear friend of my mother (the friend was head nurse at hospital) called in some favors and they got the right doctor to come out. Aunt Ruth could fool anyone for 5 minutes - but ask the right questions and she was finally truly diagnosed.
I've noticed now that Mom's dementia has progressed quite a bit that on the days she forgets I'm her daughter she showtimes for ME. It is a rather nice break from how awfully she usually treats me, because she's on her best behavior when she thinks she's working for me or I'm a family friend! HAHA! Got to take the positive where you can find it!
I believe you are referring to sundowning...a dementia condition in which a person can appear rational and normal to someone unfamiliar with their condition but they may well be operating on irrational perspectives.
While it is always uplifting to read a cute anecdote as a caregiver, I would caution you to be very careful of this condition as it has gotten me arrested.
I live in a small town with a law enforcement group that has little to do on a good day but look for issues. My father has dementia and became upset when I tried to make him help me clean and slightly move a fridge that a repairman was coming to work on. My father, unbeknownst to me, went down to see the local magistrate and told then he was being abused at home and that I had assaulted him.
My father and I may have words from time to time, but I would never assault or abuse him. But his performance in front of the magistrate was convincing enough because without a shred of evidence...the police showed up at my door with an arrest warrant.
After 2 months of court dates I was able to get the case dismissed after presenting letters from doctors diagnosing his sundowning and assuring the law they never had seen any evidence of abuse and we're certain he was quite safe at home.
I hope this never happens to you or anyone else, but cute stories aside, this can be a very dangerous condition and it would be wise to consult your doctors to shore up their help should you ever need it.
I'm starting to not feel so alone now my mom is all of the above. I'm getting so tired of getting beat up. No one see what I do. In front of drs and friends WOW !! Can she put it on and I'm the crazy one. But just her and I. I'm the enemy !! She is testing right now for independent living skills and driving mom is 86 which is not the issue. It's her memory sometimes she called me if you m not with her to say there's something wrong with the car !! The issue is when she puts it into gear she doesn't keep her foot on the break so the car rolls. When I tried to show her why she screams at me that she never had to do that before !!' That's just one thing. From everyone stealing from her. But off the wall things. Got her a cleaning lady someone I knew for years. Well she she told me that you stole two Christmas cups from her cabinet nothing of value. And my dad passed in 2015. She will not clean his Clothes out of the The closest or him drawers she also stole 3 pair of his underwear 🙄 She swears my brother who also passed. That last week he stole a super bowl and her can opener and her mothers scale and if he needed money he should of told her. My grandmother scale was trashed over 30 yrs ago. I opened her cabinet and took out the can opener. And have no idea what suger bowl she's taking about I showed her the one we always use. A few times she thought someone stole it. But I could it in the bedroom closet. Lol !!! Don't know what's up with the sugar bowl Thank you for letting me share. Sometimes I feel I'm losing my mind. I'm new to this site. And what a relief to hear what everyone is sharing.
MarciWriter, I was experiencing those things with my mom too, so the next time I took her to the dr, I wrote the dr a letter and gave it to the receptionist for the dr to read prior to her appt, describing her behavior. Dr sent her to a neurologist for her 'memory' and the neuro was able to understand and adjust meds, etc. Mom would go in and say everything was fine, but I had already told the dr what was going on (in tears, I might add). Dr then asked her about it, and she minimized the accusations. I told her how hurtful they were. Long story short, Dr put her on Seroquel and like magic, I had my sweet mom back. I was so amazed. Hope you find some solutions quick. I understand how difficult it is
Tammy, I am not a professional by any means. I suggest keep reading this site, and ask questions. I'm fairly new here but have learned sooo much in a short time just reading others problems and caring responses/answers/solutions/encouragement etc...
I can tell you, it does get better when you educate yourself (on a "right on site") on this disease and how to cope...and I am still learning and will be for a long time.
My husband always tells me, you gotta dig deep... meaning for me, I wanted to learn how to cope and stay sane... I also weak and needed extra help...to find the courage to do what I could do for my parents and knowing my limits...I would pray every day for God's guidance...most of the time that would work but I needed a "helping hand", which is what happened when I found this site. I am amazed how many caring people there are here! Be strong, even baby steps are good 😉 And dig deep Tammy.
MarciWriter, you just described my Mom to a T! She can fool the doctors unless they know! I told her doctor that she will always give him answers, but they won't be the RIGHT answers! She stopped letting me go into the doctor's office with her because she said I answer the questions for her....and LIE! She even told her Neuroligist that she would never be back in her office and for her to stay out of her business! It has been over a year since she was diagnosed with Dementia and she is still in denial! Therefore, she just doesn't understand why her kids are punishing her by making her stay at the AL! I do have two brothers who are very active in her care! One of us visits her every day! But she forgets anyone came to see her and says no one has been by for several days! LUCKYOGS...I just hope you can find a small amount of comfort seeing you are not alone!
You are NOT stupid!! But I understand you saying that because I have called myself all kinds of names... i'm learning to take care of myself because my mental and physical was going downhill fast...take care of yourself
Bella7, I suppose I could ask the dr. in advance if she would comply with a confidentiality request. My mother has signed a HIPAA release for me and my three brothers.
A neurologist suggested anti-anxiety meds for my mother. My mother nixed the idea, and now my mother's PCP (an internist) also doesn't like the idea, either. Her solution? A daily check-in with my mother to see what she "needs." Well, I'm not doing that, because a daily check-in to see what she needs will become endless tasks for me to do. It would be an invitation to her to get me to do more things for her.
She does a lot of (to me, unnecessary) fretting and fussing because of her OCD. I'm not going to enable her any further than I already am.
I think the dr. (grew up and went to medical school in Nepal) is probably from a culture where the daughters take care of the elderly parents. I think she *might* be assuming that I will do that. Well, I won't. I am already reluctantly having to drive her places (I put boundaries on that) and take care of things occasionally for her.
I took her to look at an AL place last month. She was full of negativity about it. My brothers want her in AL (because they think they will hear less from me about her, possibly?). They can be the ones to push it with her. If I am not the one to push it and she does it, then *I* won't be the one to blame if she doesn't like it.
In case you can't guess it, I don't have a very good relationship with my mother. She's an obsessive, over-controlling person who is ALWAYS RIGHT. She makes me feel like garbage, and I'm anxious after spending just a bit of time with her. I resent that my golden brothers are states away and do nothing. She showtimes with them, because she has a tracphone and she pays for minutes. I'm the local no-charge phone call, so I get subjected to (sometimes daily) phone calls from her. When she said recently after the 5th call in a few days that she's not asking me to DO anything, I told her that all the phone calls were taking up my time. She got huffy and hung up. Maybe that will stick with her, and she'll stop the calls. Time on the phone with her is pointless, because she usually doesn't follow my advice, anyway. I'm just the stupid daughter.
She sweet-talks everyone, including her doctor's, and she has them all fooled. She garners sympathy from people, saying that her son won't come and help her with her lawn care and her landlord is going to be upset with her, so that the person listening would come right away to do it. In reality, my husband told her that he was going to come the very next day, but SHE wanted it done immediately. She's sweet as pie to everyone but us, even though we moved to another state in order to be in the same town as them to help! She's making horrible decisions, and not listening to us at all, but no one in her social circles believes it because of the things she's told them about us.
You say you "gave up everything" to take care of her, but it sounds to me like you need to have caregivers coming to your house regularly so that you can both go out a get a break. Can you get any money from her own income to pay for this? If not, please go to a local church and ask if they have any strong-minded volunteers who offer to visit the sick and ask for a rota of them to swing by your house for a morning or so. Their evidence can be added to yours to brief local police and social services that your care is good and that your mother is telling lies. If the local church won't help, go online and ask for visiting help - to come and converse with your mother and keep her company while you can both leave the house together. Try it. In my own case, it was the reports of day visitors for a couple of months that convinced my friend's doctor that the Alzheimer's had progressed far further than he realised. Get help - it doesn't have to be paid. But also listen to what they say. There is no need to make yourself penniless, and there is no need to give in to your partner's mother's every demand. In fact, better not to.
Good luck!
Until a dear friend who was also head nurse at a prominent NYC hospital called in a friend in the field to "ask the right questions" and then it was proven that Aunt Ruth could no longer live on her own. She could fool anyone for 5-20 minutes if the right questions were not asked. It's sad, it's a debilitating condition/disease. But she had become a danger to herself and all those living in her apartment building - it was a stove fire waiting to happen and she also smoked nonstop.
So yes, they can fool the people some of the time - I guess this is ShowTimers?
I sure hope you figure out how to save you and your partner's lives here. I'm sorry for your pain, dear one.
One day I will be able to contribute.
The MIL of a friend had just been in a very nice AL facility when her long-term care insurance sent someone to evaluate her--and she told them that of course she could cook for herself and bathe herself, and they wouldn't listen to the DIL who knew very well she couldn't. Too many people are not aware of how dementia can actually work.
She fooled every doctor that came around to check on her. Finally a dear friend of my mother (the friend was head nurse at hospital) called in some favors and they got the right doctor to come out. Aunt Ruth could fool anyone for 5 minutes - but ask the right questions and she was finally truly diagnosed.
While it is always uplifting to read a cute anecdote as a caregiver, I would caution you to be very careful of this condition as it has gotten me arrested.
I live in a small town with a law enforcement group that has little to do on a good day but look for issues. My father has dementia and became upset when I tried to make him help me clean and slightly move a fridge that a repairman was coming to work on. My father, unbeknownst to me, went down to see the local magistrate and told then he was being abused at home and that I had assaulted him.
My father and I may have words from time to time, but I would never assault or abuse him. But his performance in front of the magistrate was convincing enough because without a shred of evidence...the police showed up at my door with an arrest warrant.
After 2 months of court dates I was able to get the case dismissed after presenting letters from doctors diagnosing his sundowning and assuring the law they never had seen any evidence of abuse and we're certain he was quite safe at home.
I hope this never happens to you or anyone else, but cute stories aside, this can be a very dangerous condition and it would be wise to consult your doctors to shore up their help should you ever need it.
Hope you find some solutions quick. I understand how difficult it is
I can tell you, it does get better when you educate yourself (on a "right on site") on this disease and how to cope...and I am still learning and will be for a long time.
My husband always tells me, you gotta dig deep... meaning for me, I wanted to learn how to cope and stay sane... I also weak and needed extra help...to find the courage to do what I could do for my parents and knowing my limits...I would pray every day for God's guidance...most of the time that would work but I needed a "helping hand", which is what happened when I found this site. I am amazed how many caring people there are here! Be strong, even baby steps are good 😉
And dig deep Tammy.
Bella 💕
LUCKYOGS...I just hope you can find a small amount of comfort seeing you are not alone!
A neurologist suggested anti-anxiety meds for my mother. My mother nixed the idea, and now my mother's PCP (an internist) also doesn't like the idea, either. Her solution? A daily check-in with my mother to see what she "needs." Well, I'm not doing that, because a daily check-in to see what she needs will become endless tasks for me to do. It would be an invitation to her to get me to do more things for her.
She does a lot of (to me, unnecessary) fretting and fussing because of her OCD. I'm not going to enable her any further than I already am.
I think the dr. (grew up and went to medical school in Nepal) is probably from a culture where the daughters take care of the elderly parents. I think she *might* be assuming that I will do that. Well, I won't. I am already reluctantly having to drive her places (I put boundaries on that) and take care of things occasionally for her.
I took her to look at an AL place last month. She was full of negativity about it. My brothers want her in AL (because they think they will hear less from me about her, possibly?). They can be the ones to push it with her. If I am not the one to push it and she does it, then *I* won't be the one to blame if she doesn't like it.
In case you can't guess it, I don't have a very good relationship with my mother. She's an obsessive, over-controlling person who is ALWAYS RIGHT. She makes me feel like garbage, and I'm anxious after spending just a bit of time with her. I resent that my golden brothers are states away and do nothing. She showtimes with them, because she has a tracphone and she pays for minutes. I'm the local no-charge phone call, so I get subjected to (sometimes daily) phone calls from her. When she said recently after the 5th call in a few days that she's not asking me to DO anything, I told her that all the phone calls were taking up my time. She got huffy and hung up. Maybe that will stick with her, and she'll stop the calls. Time on the phone with her is pointless, because she usually doesn't follow my advice, anyway. I'm just the stupid daughter.