OMG! I had no idea this was so common among our older parents!! My mother has been behaving like this for quite some time - telling me nasty things about the neighbors and generally being mean and judgy! But whenever she was with anyone else (doctor or others in public or from church, she's 'warm and humorous' - even the doctor wrote that about her. She really puts on a show for them - big smiles and Ms. Southern Grace (she's from the South and very proud of that)...but belittles me every chance she gets...why am I the only person who goes the extra mile the brunt of all that? Well, your stories explain it all. I didn't know until recently (she was hospitalized and diagnosed) that she has dementia/delirium. They saw the real person there - as the last night she was there she was accusing the nurse of trying to kill her and started throwing food at her...so finally the charming southern lady has left the building and left the ole meany behind...the one I'm familiar with...woo hoo...
Thank you, everyone. We're going through similar issues with our 95 year old mother. I tried to enlist the help of her priest, but his response was that during the 15 minutes he engaged her in conversation she was coherent and clear in her speech. He saw no deterioration except in her slow gait. At church she is this sweet little old lady who lights candles for everyone. Those of us trying to care for her endure endless ridiculous stories and bizarre behavior. Talking with her doctor didn't help either. Reading all your comments helped a lot! Thanks for being willing to share your stories.
Interesting, my folks also do this. I didn't know there was a name for it. I chalked it up to some semblance of their upbringing or mental capacity to not be rude to strangers coupled with memories that might seems current. They behave so much better with folks they don't know well.
Jackz65 I hear you. I just watched my 83 year old mom with Alzheimer's tell the new O.T. about all the things she was crocheting and all the reading she was getting done. Yes Mommy like 7 years ago. But all said so serious and convincing. I mean she really had me about to fall out of the chair. My Mama was a Sunday School teacher for 50 years. I just think in their minds this is true. Like yep I did have a shower and shampoo last night! Um...nope. I think that's why they call it Showtimer's. Let the Really Big Show begin!
And how long or how many times do we have to sit there and "witness" their lies? My dad lies...so be it...my plan is I'm not assisting him anymore at his doc appointments, it's my time wasted and my nerves shot...doc knows he lies, everyone knows he lies...I'm tired of being the enabler...what's the point of going to doctors when he doesn't follow through with doctors orders??
This is nothing new, he's been doing this for years AND YEARS
The 3 posts above mine: OH YES. The performances are never for the benefit of the primary caregiver(s), are they?? I know we're not supposed to take all this " broken brain" stuff personally. But it's sure hard not to. They make it clear over and over who's worth the effort and who isn't. It's rough.
My father in law does this. He had a meeting with an ot a few weeks ago. We sat there totally gobsmacked at the lies he was telling about what he eats, how he manages to shower and dress himself, how far he walks every day and so on. We felt like total frauds. I'm struggling to understand how he can do this. Such a total transformation.
No one of us who are in your shoes will believe that your care wasn't good. I used to judge my brother's care of my mom as poor because she fell so much and was in and out of the hospital. Now having her care I'm having to eat serious crow because I see first hand how difficult it is to deal with the meds. I actually have to watch her take the pills and watch for palming and other ways to hide. Even taking my eyes off her for a second she will try to get rid of the pills. And with her behavior??? Well, again I'm eating crow because she is showing me her true colors and to everyone else when they skype she is sunshine and roses. The only saving grace for me, but heartbreaking none the less, is that she no longer makes any sense when she talks. All the words are there and in real sentences, but the sentences make no sense in context with what you are talking about. A lot of him and them and her and those people, but no real substance. And that's hard to hide. So things are becoming more apparent now even if she tries to be sunny and happy with others.
The way Dementia progresses is scary. There isn't a "set" step by step guide. Its different for everyone. I had to put mom in NH recently and feel that I failed to take care of her. Yet at home she would spit her meds out, wouldn't eat or drink. Had 2 episodes in a month that she ended up in hospital with UTI and dehydration. Yet in NH she eats whatever they put in front of her, takes her meds and drinks fluids. Why wouldn't she do this at home. I am also taking care of my dad at home and he is in the mild to moderate stage. I have had them both with me for 3 years and even though I have other siblings I have no help. Found that after I had to put her in for her safety that dad had been missing his meds. So now I am working on getting him back on schedule and still work full time as I am single and again have no help.
One thing that amazed me was although my Dad was in stage 6 and had lots of hallucinations he could still talk a good game. They called me from the memory care center one night to help "talk him down." He thought he was at work as an engineer there. He was convinced there were safety issues with the heating and air conditioning unit and that he needed to get everyone out of the building! He was whistling loudly and trying to round up the residents to go outside. He sounded so believable and was very specific about what the issues were at the plant. I told him they had relief crew of engineers coming and that he needed to get some rest - they needed him fresh the next day! That was enough to calm him down. I look back on some of these stories and smile.. what a ride that disease is!!
On one had, my SIL could drive me nutty with stubbornness and memory deficits, and then convince other people that she was OK. It could be that the "nice" times are more tiring in the long run, and with the people involved in her care she didn't make the effort. On the other hand, my brother with Parkinsons never lost his sense of humor, and his DIL told me that he was still good company even when the memory went in and out. There is an interesting mix of original personality and disease, and I suspect that in some cases, the true person comes out when there is no energy left. I have heard of cases if people coming out of anesthesia also using language that they would not use fully conscious and in control.
I don't understand how someone with dementia CAN control their words and actions in front of others but not in front of their caregivers? To act sweet and happy in front of others but to me my mother has nothing but sour looks and words. She won't wear a hearing aid for me, but she'd never forget it for the doctor's office. How is that NOT under her control? I totally get that dementia destroys the mind and I do believe that for many if not most things that my mother does/says I can blame on the dementia. But not all. She DOES control a lot of her actions...or at least I believe she does.
It has helped a lot reading about other peples problems. I was happily surprised to find my problem is also shared with so many carers. I could not understand how Dentia people are different when their carer comes in or other visitors. How is the best way to deal with it? Alzeimers is a very cruel thing and I find my client is extremely clinging and demanding.
Hi LoneCaregiver, Yes, from the mouth speaks the heart. But you've got to realize that is only for sane people. It doesn't apply to someone who's brain is being 'eaten' by Alzheimer's disease. Yeah, their personality is enhanced (or exaggerated) by the disease but they CAN'T control it. Stop blaming them, it's not their fault. As nasty as my mother was when she had her mind, she NOW can't be held responsible for the nasty things she says. Please educate yourself on dementia. There are many resources from which to choose. It is very difficult when you have grown up in an abusive home but all that has to be put aside. let go of it. (Forgive others so your Heavenly Father can forgive you.)
This is just a rotten disease that everyone suffers from. With any luck, you and I will go to Heaven BEFORE dementia gets its hold on us. But, in the mean time, give it up. Make the best of the days left with your father. Leave when you have to, to maintain your sanity, but hang in there. Pray a lot. Ask the Lord to help you endure your father. After all, He gave your parents to you specifically. It will be over one day. You are blaming him for his past (which is ok) but not for the present and the future. There for the grace of God, go I.
I can relate... I thank you all for sharing, sounds so similar to my aging parent. However what some don't seem to realize, Dementia does not pick and choose who it likes, people do that, not the dementia. What you are experiencing is heart issues of the spiritual kind. The bible says, the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. Many things are hidden in the heart, the bible makes this clear in Jeremiah 17:9-10. Usually it takes trauma, tragedey, disease, or something else to bring the heart issue to the surface. My dad is 92, still lives alone, however he needs me for shopping, cleaning house and taking him to town. You would think I would be his best friend, however I am treated worst than a enemy. Sadly he has been acting this way in some form or another all my life. When my dad was younger he still had hard words to say to mom, me and my brother, and yet nice to everyone as if they were his best of friends. Now that the Dementia has been creeping up for the past 15 years, his abusive words are like hot acid to my heart. When he is calm, he has told me that he wrestles against the dark world daily. (Read Ephesians Chapter 6). Today I had to tell him, I will need to bring someone along with me from now on for my next visits. See I know he will not be cruel to me if someone else is with me. That my friend is not the Dementia talking, that is the condition of his heart working out the stuff stored in it. Selfishness is a sin, and until we deal with our sin nature, the Dementia aggravates what is in the heart. I have one sibling, and that one sibling who is older refuses to go and visit and has not done so for several years. He says he can not take it anymore. In his absent, I get it double wamy. Now he is angry at the other child who refuses to get beat up with his words. Painful. I am still human, although I have learned more patience because of the love and respect I have for my dad. However the caustic words from my dad is doing harm to me, for it is painful to bear when all you want to do is have a good relationship with your dad. The sibling refuses to take any care or chores, or anything, and I stand alone (with God) in this hurtful period in my life. However I am more sad for my dad who has chosen to alienate his only two living relatives with harsh words and actions. I would ask for your prayers for me and my dad and my sibling.
Hey folks, I have a "FIX" to most of your problems with "no sign" of dementia to "others", just caregivers. First I have a funny story too. LOVE your stories! We ALL NEED TO LAUGH=best stress reliever. One day she was irritable, so I finally did what the nurse said -"walk off", and in the Early stages, call them on their behaviour - (Mom- that wasn't nice.) I went outside and sat in the swing on the deck-in drizzling rain. She peeked out the door and said "you are going to get wet". I nicely said - It feels good. She didn't get the argument she wanted and shut the door. I got a good snicker and a few minutes of rest. OR, call the neuro -nurse, she'll calm "you" and talk you through it.
#1 VERY IMPORTANT - Take her to a "Neurologist", dementia doctor, not general medical. Ask them for a referral. #2 I started typing a report for "all" of the doctors, np, pa's...a one page report, on "this is what has happened since you last saw her", give dates, and, all my questions on how to handle this "particular" behavior, and how the latest medicine affected her-good or bad. It helped the doctor so much he said he wish all his patients caregivers would do that. I gave it to the check in person and insisted they give it to him/her BEFORE they called us in the office. The visits went smooth as he addressed the concerns in "general" conversation and helps them determine the stage of the disease. #4. Don't talk about her, in front of her" - it only saddens, hurts, demeans them, and makes them madder, causing depression. Remember they can't help it "most of the time". They are only getting their frustrations out. Put yourself in their place-losing all your independence. If I needed instructions from him, as reinforcement - I typed them out, asked them to copy on their letterhead and showed her Doc's instructions (take meds, eat, drink ... and he signed it.) It helped me. I left it on the counter so she could read it several times a day. It eventually disappeared, but I had copies. For most of us caregivers, please try to remember "it's the disease you are mad at, not mom/dad... Relish the good moments, and get an Alzheimer's Caregiver manual from nih.com (national institute on health - free). It's great and easy to follow, 1 page for each problem-how to handle it. ALWAYS "try" to keep her and you laughing=great stress reliever. Good luck and rely on your resources. SUPPORT GROUPS ARE AWESOME! (www.alz.org) Find a local one. It's amazing what u can learn from each other. They won't brush their teeth-get child bubble gum toothpaste-it worked! Get rest and PLEASE take care of yourself. It's hard to do - This extremely stressful "caregiving" will destroy your own health. It did to me. Mom died in late 2016, and I've had one after another, "serious" illnesses. God Bless you all and your sharing to me the last few years was so helpful and appreciated. Don't forget to "Pray Your Way" through it.
My wife denied she is,was mean and nasty to me. On any one day in 3 or 4 different people. Her kids deny that she could ever do what I say she does. I just say yes and we will do it tomorrow because she will never remember. Am I wrong in doing that? I don't think so.
Shirley1957-(I was born that year too!), Try recording her behavior on your phone when she's nasty, then you can show it to her (or anyone else you need to prove it to) as needed. Seeing herself behave badly might just shake her up enough to correct her behavior. (I know, wishful thinking, huh?). At least you'll have it on file. I've done this with my mom because people have said, "She's SO sweet." Yeah, well I have proof that that's not the case. It also is helpful to have video for the doctor, when they put on the "sweet" show during the face to face visit. I'm tired of the "oh, it's the Alzheimer's" excuse. Yes, she does have it but we are only human also. We are the recipients of their abuse. We can't be completely discounted just because they have the diagnosis of dementia. Because of this, hubby and I limit our visits with mom to our "tolerance level". They are out of their minds but we are only human too, a loose-loose situation. :(
Sorry to hear your problem, I go through the same thing. My Mom fools everyone. They think she is so sweet and kind. but at home she is totally the opposite. She belittles me and my Dad. Never has a kind word and always negative all the time. Now that Dad is so sick she is worse because I won't let her tell Dad what to do and try and make him do things he is not able to do. Lord help us all!
In answer to your Showtimers Question: It has recently come to my attention that more often than not, it isn't that the patient is good at pretending, it's that the 'company' isn't paying attention.
Ray's son came to visit last week for 1 day and thought his dad is doing great! They had a nice chat, spoke on many topics and Ray never asked for help to go potty. I took a brief break to do some shopping as I hadn't been able to get to Walmart in 2 months.
Long-story short: Ray had no idea what they had discussed which makes me think it was a one-sided conversation. Ray insisted on being dressed and I had to launder 4 pair of pants and no, "son" never noticed.
This made me think of your question. So my new answer is, no, they may not be exhibiting Showtimers as much as the company just isn't seeing what is in front of their faces.
Truly pitiful! These are the very same people who will come back later with accusations like, "why didn't you tell me he was so bad?!"
This was supposed to b a question..sorry..new here..I'll apologize ahead of time as this will b long 😕My mom is in RH now after 2 falls out of bed she had previously fractured her tailbone now a new fracture in her spine..one fall in which she said she was covering up her granddaughter because fan was blowing on her and she was cold...she's 33 was @ home with her 3kids...thing is we're trying to get permanent placement in RH for her as I have congestive heart failure, 2 knee replacements and facing back surgery...thing is she's a diff person..in there she walks straight without being bent over at the waist to the point she going to pitch forward on the floor she gets in bed normally totally incontinent at home..gets up and goes to BR there at home she has to take 2 steps and sit..not there..she willingly takes her meds there without even using applesauce...she's having PT & OT while there they told her she's doing great and they don't know why she's there?....,she says she's not spending rest of life there and wants me to bring her phone book tomorrow as she's finding someone who she can pay to take care of her...we tell her how she does at home and she says she doesn't remember it....her primary physician said 2 years ago she needed 24 hour care..2 neurologist and a social worker agree on the moderate dementia diagnosis...I am her POA..as of now I have her bluffed telling her she can't leave nursing home to live somewhere else unless I approve it..RH said I need to get guardianship over her as they cannot legally keep her there should she decide to leave..she says the "Lord" has shown her many things and he is going to take care of things in her favor...and that she has been "healed" of her dementia and incontinence...where do I go from here??????
I do not know about show timers,but my mom has something called Sun Downer's where she tends to forget what time of day it is and she wants to go to bed early. Another thing I have noticed the past two - three weeks is she will not stop talking,and she gets up through out the night as well. She only sleeps about 4 hours total. Her sleep medication does not even work well.
I would probably have to say no on this one because you either have dementia or Alzheimer's or you don't, and there's no hiding it for long if you do. You may try to hide it out of embarrassment but sooner or later it's discovered by people who recognize it but not necessarily by people who don't recognize it and don't know what to look for. If you're not trained or ever had past experience then you won't know what to look for because you won't be able to spot signs of dementia or Alzheimer's. It takes either proper training or past experience with hindsight to know when someone has dementia or Alzheimer's. When you have the condition, you can't fake it, it's either there or it's not
I had the same problem with doctors not believing me about my husband's condition. He had what was becoming worse and worse memory problems, but he could act normally at the doctor's office and the doctor did not realize his problems. I asked for a Geriatric Assessment from a local hospital Internal Medicine dept. It is a 2-3 hour appointment with several doctors and social worker. He was not able to pass some of the tests that they gave him especially for what is called executive function. Finally the doctors believed me about his condition, it really relieved the stress I was under when no one would believe me.
Yes, my husband could get an academy award also. When around drs, nurses, police, social workers etc he puts on a good show and there are times that he would have them believing I was the one with the problem. It was a hard road to get my hubby admitted to a NH but thankfully God worked that all out. It came to a point where that he would not even allow me to touch him and laid in his own waste. I came within hours of having to get a mental health warrant, but thankfully he finally came around and allowed me to take him to the hospital and stayed there a week and then was taken to the local nursing home. The NH has been a Godsend, he is doing much better, I think because he listens to the aids when he would not listen to me and having a controlled environment has helped as well. NH's are not w/o pitfalls in the road but at least for us this has worked out well so far. Just don't assume they are getting the correct meds/care and forge some good relationships with your loved ones nurses and aids which promotes better outcomes.
I was glad to see this post! I took my mother to her first neuro exam for dementia and she aced the screening test with the nurse! I was shocked, then when the doctor walked in she was doing really until the last 10 minutes...she was telling him a story about an event at which I was at with her and she got it completely wrong. He asked me if she was correct in recounting of the story and I let him know that she was not, and told him what really happened. Mom's response was that she didn't remember any of what I told him....he agreed to evaluate further.
This happened to me, the Dictir came to assess a Dementia person at home. Her daughter was adament that her mum was well enough to stay home and not to leave her in a N/H. Her daughter had brought a small colourful bunch of violets wrapped, to display in a small vase. We all stepped out the room to confer. When we went back into her mums room, to all our astonishment she was sitting very still munching on the violets. Only had a few stalks sticking out of her mouth! Lucky for all we removed them from her mouth. Needless to say, coming home to live was not mentioned again..
Reading all your comments helped a lot! Thanks for being willing to share your stories.
This is nothing new, he's been doing this for years AND YEARS
burned out
Found that after I had to put her in for her safety that dad had been missing his meds. So now I am working on getting him back on schedule and still work full time as I am single and again have no help.
I told him they had relief crew of engineers coming and that he needed to get some rest - they needed him fresh the next day! That was enough to calm him down. I look back on some of these stories and smile.. what a ride that disease is!!
Yes, from the mouth speaks the heart. But you've got to realize that is only for sane people. It doesn't apply to someone who's brain is being 'eaten' by Alzheimer's disease. Yeah, their personality is enhanced (or exaggerated) by the disease but they CAN'T control it. Stop blaming them, it's not their fault. As nasty as my mother was when she had her mind, she NOW can't be held responsible for the nasty things she says. Please educate yourself on dementia. There are many resources from which to choose. It is very difficult when you have grown up in an abusive home but all that has to be put aside. let go of it. (Forgive others so your Heavenly Father can forgive you.)
This is just a rotten disease that everyone suffers from. With any luck, you and I will go to Heaven BEFORE dementia gets its hold on us. But, in the mean time, give it up. Make the best of the days left with your father. Leave when you have to, to maintain your sanity, but hang in there. Pray a lot. Ask the Lord to help you endure your father. After all, He gave your parents to you specifically. It will be over one day.
You are blaming him for his past (which is ok) but not for the present and the future.
There for the grace of God, go I.
#1 VERY IMPORTANT - Take her to a "Neurologist", dementia doctor, not general medical. Ask them for a referral. #2 I started typing a report for "all" of the doctors, np, pa's...a one page report, on "this is what has happened since you last saw her", give dates, and, all my questions on how to handle this "particular" behavior, and how the latest medicine affected her-good or bad. It helped the doctor so much he said he wish all his patients caregivers would do that. I gave it to the check in person and insisted they give it to him/her BEFORE they called us in the office. The visits went smooth as he addressed the concerns in "general" conversation and helps them determine the stage of the disease. #4. Don't talk about her, in front of her" - it only saddens, hurts, demeans them, and makes them madder, causing depression. Remember they can't help it "most of the time". They are only getting their frustrations out. Put yourself in their place-losing all your independence. If I needed instructions from him, as reinforcement - I typed them out, asked them to copy on their letterhead and showed her Doc's instructions (take meds, eat, drink ... and he signed it.) It helped me. I left it on the counter so she could read it several times a day. It eventually disappeared, but I had copies.
For most of us caregivers, please try to remember "it's the disease you are mad at, not mom/dad... Relish the good moments, and get an Alzheimer's Caregiver manual from nih.com (national institute on health - free). It's great and easy to follow, 1 page for each problem-how to handle it. ALWAYS "try" to keep her and you laughing=great stress reliever. Good luck and rely on your resources. SUPPORT GROUPS ARE AWESOME! (www.alz.org) Find a local one. It's amazing what u can learn from each other. They won't brush their teeth-get child bubble gum toothpaste-it worked! Get rest and PLEASE take care of yourself. It's hard to do - This extremely stressful "caregiving" will destroy your own health. It did to me. Mom died in late 2016, and I've had one after another, "serious" illnesses. God Bless you all and your sharing to me the last few years was so helpful and appreciated. Don't forget to "Pray Your Way" through it.
Try recording her behavior on your phone when she's nasty, then you can show it to her (or anyone else you need to prove it to) as needed. Seeing herself behave badly might just shake her up enough to correct her behavior. (I know, wishful thinking, huh?). At least you'll have it on file.
I've done this with my mom because people have said, "She's SO sweet." Yeah, well I have proof that that's not the case. It also is helpful to have video for the doctor, when they put on the "sweet" show during the face to face visit.
I'm tired of the "oh, it's the Alzheimer's" excuse. Yes, she does have it but we are only human also. We are the recipients of their abuse. We can't be completely discounted just because they have the diagnosis of dementia. Because of this, hubby and I limit our visits with mom to our "tolerance level". They are out of their minds but we are only human too, a loose-loose situation. :(
Ray's son came to visit last week for 1 day and thought his dad is doing great! They had a nice chat, spoke on many topics and Ray never asked for help to go potty. I took a brief break to do some shopping as I hadn't been able to get to Walmart in 2 months.
Long-story short: Ray had no idea what they had discussed which makes me think it was a one-sided conversation. Ray insisted on being dressed and I had to launder 4 pair of pants and no, "son" never noticed.
This made me think of your question. So my new answer is, no, they may not be exhibiting Showtimers as much as the company just isn't seeing what is in front of their faces.
Truly pitiful! These are the very same people who will come back later with accusations like, "why didn't you tell me he was so bad?!"
Another thing I have noticed the past two - three weeks is she will not stop talking,and she gets up through out the night as well. She only sleeps about 4 hours total. Her sleep medication does not even work well.