Oh my gosh, is that really a thing?! That is my grand mother to a tee! She is struggling so much, but when questioned by a doctor or nurse, or anyone she's completely fine, we're all the ones with problems
Wow. These stories are really great. I'm not alone! As caregiver for my mom, yes - I get blamed for everything but if anyone tries to hurt me; her clarity is scary. And yes, she performs well for strangers. It's kind of like your kids... with the parents they can be quite a handful but with strangers, you don't recognize them. Anyway, thank everyone for sharing!
My parents are the masters of "SHOW-TIMERS" they forget what they shouldn't (like taking their meds) but call the cops on me often claiming I stole their car that had to be taken away because they "forgot" they couldn't drive anymore! I found 4 sets of car keys!
Grandma, I aplaude you! We have the technology to keep the BODY going practically forever with new medicines and treatments BUT we still haven't conquered dementia. So what good is all the other stuff?
A friend of a friend found out she she had macular degeneration. She also had many other medical problems but kept them in check with medicines. Well, this lady decided that she didn't want to be blind (the end result of macular degeneration), so she stopped all her other medications, knowing full well that doing so would kill her. She died 6 months later, but she still had her sight. She died "naturally", without being kept alive artificially. She had guts to do what she did. It's great that she took control of her destiny.
I'm with you. I'm eating all the fat, sugar, salt and wine I want (which really isn't too much) and I'm only taking meds that help me to live a more comfortable life (stool softeners-if you must know). But to heck with these drugs that will make our bodies outlive our minds. Ain't nobody gonna' wipe my behind and clean up my drool!)
Mariaic - It sounds like your aunt is in the beginning stages of dementia. Tell her doctor that you think she is - a decent Dr. can do some simple tests to find out. A couple easy tests you can do are 1). Have her draw a clock (a circle with 1 through 12 on it). If she has dementia most likely she won't be able to do it correctly. 2) Have her count backward from 100 by 7's - 93, 86, 79 etc. If 7's is too hard try 3's. If she can't do these things, she very likely has dementia. But, unfortunately there is not much you can do about it even if she does.
I don't know what to say to people who say to me "oh your mom is so cute" or your mom is so sweet". I just think to myself "...if you only knew!" Typically I say "she can be".
Why is it that those who provide the most care for their elderly parents are the ones that get treated the worse by them? My brother and sister have no clue what I deal with on a daily basis; they're never at my parent's house long enough to see the truth. KARMA BABY!
Aging is so difficult!! We all look forward to retirement but if you're parents are still alive, your retirement years are spent as caregivers! Doctor's and researchers have it backwards, before developing so many drugs, medical techniques, etc. to prolong our bodies lives; they should have ensured our minds would outlive our bodies!! My mother-in-law is depressed and cannot understand why her siblings and friends don't call or come anymore because she can't remember they're dead. She's almost 92 and in perfect physical condition but can no longer live alone. We are blessed as her husband was a veteran and we were able to get the Aid and Attendance benefit which helps pay a live in caregiver. If any of you need assistance applying for this benefit, I'll try to help. Reading your post helps as we're alone. I'm 72 and refused to take cholesterol or blood pressure medicine recently recommended because I do not want my body to out live my mind!!
Mariaic, My mom fell and broke her pelvis and her back. So in the hospital....all heck broke loose. We were sure she had dementia already. Before that I told the doctor and she was given the cognitive tests at the office. She failed. Next time 6 months later she just laughed at the questions. You can write to the persons doctor about what's going on. They cannot answer unless you have POA. But this lets them know and they can try to investigate. At least it's noted on their chart.
After reading all the replies, can I ask you all, how did you get their dementia diagnose? I take care of my aunt and mother. My mother has dementia, and that's totally evident. On the other hand, my aunt (her sister) tells and do senseless things, and also is VERY abusive to my mother and me, but she behaves perfectly normal at the doctor.
Oh yeah, still demented but manipulative. I can't wrap my brain around that!
We're going through that with my mom in Stage 6-7 Alzheimer's. You'd think by how confused and repetitive she is about things that she wouldn't have the ability to have a "show timers" moment but, she's not TOTALLY mentally gone. When push comes to shove, she understands much more than we think they do. My mother will manipulate us to get what she wants.
Yes I have exactly all this happening and it is so frustrating. I have lots of weird questions fired at me all evening and most mornings but when the carer arrives it all changes to everything being "Yes Im feeling good" and having a "normal* conversation with her. It is the same when friends or relatives call to see us and they dont realise what life is like when they have gone home.
Oh yes, in the very early stages this is what happened with my mom. She has lived with me for a few years and I noticed she was starting to forget things, mostly short term memory things. It kept happening more and more so on her next doc visit I mentioned it (with her prior permission). The doc performed a mental status exam and she passed with flying colors. He asked her some questions and then referred back to them later in the exam and she was perfect. We left with me feeling very foolish and certain the doctor thought I was crazy. Nothing was done until quite a while later after we switched to another doctor that specialized in elder care, by then Mom's symptoms were apparent.
SueC1957...... Sometimes there are other individuals who are also contributing to the behavior........I think part of it is the loneliness they have no one to talk to... and then when anyone from the outside shows up a happy delightful person emerges and five minutes the company leaves...they revert to their old no so nice self.
Sundowners, Show timers, part timers, call whatever you like...it is breaking my heart to see my mom go through this stage of her life.....and there is absolutely nothing I can do...I am grieving the lost of mom before she actually passes on. Each day..I hope for a new beginning! Keep the faith and stay strong!
SueC1957...... Sometimes there are other individuals who are also contributing to the behavior........I think part of it is the loneliness they have no one to talk to... and then when anyone from the outside shows up a happy delightful person emerges and five minutes after the company leaves...they revert to their old not so nice self.
Sundowners, Show timers, part timers, call whatever you like...it is breaking my heart to see my mom go through this stage of her life.....and there is absolutely nothing I can do...I am grieving the lost of mom before she actually passes on.
Each day..I hope for a new beginning! Keep the faith and stay strong!
It's not that they're faking; when they really want to convince themselves and others that they're OK it takes a lot of effort to showtime well, and there is a limited time they can hold up. Sometimes the reaction to the energy expended is worse than the usual. My SIL drove her older sister nuts because when older sister was trying to get SS disability for the problem sister, she'd showtime like mad at the interview, and appear to be normal. Later,she could call me five times in a row asking the same question.
It's not that they're faking; when they really want to convince themselves and others that they're OK it takes a lot of effort to showtime well, and there is a limited time they can hold up. Sometimes the reaction to the energy expended is worse than the usual. My SIL drove her older sister nuts because when older sister was trying to get SS disability for the problem sister, she'd showtime like mad at the interview, and appear to be normal. Later,she could call me five times in a row asking the same question.
KellyJ, This just happened to me 2 days ago. My friend came over and was speaking to my mother. It's been the only time I've seen her smile since the last visitor! She was positively radiant and answering questions instead of asking them.
But once the company left, da da da daaaa...... Mrs. Monster emerges. She demands things, she screams out or hollers "help", she spits food on the table or floor, etc.
Hey, if we had company ALL the time, would they be "show timing" the whole time? Or is this behavior limited until the company becomes "familiar", then the 'real' (nasty) behavior emerges? (I don't really need an answer, just speculating.)
Be strong this is an amazing display of Gotcha. Caregivers are in shock and others are so concerned. Lol How about 101 and is not eating and drinking got to the doctor and she says they dont give me good food. How about the doctors says it it anyway. Lol. He finally got she is fakin. Lol Gotta love them. There is humor
Absolutely...I have seen it with my own mother...when anyone else comes in the residence...she is peachy as a pie...and as soon as they leave...it's the evil twin.....it's quite amazing to see the transformation from each event...but it's also emotionally draining on the caretakers.
My mom had dementia and now a dear friend's brother/Autism, who live with me, has dementia. A great lady who took care of dementia/alzheimer's patience told me something that help and I hope it helps you too! Sometimes a person with dementia with tell you one thing, and 5 minutes later tell, oh so convincingly, to someone else something entirely different. Oh can this make for craziness and frustration. She told me that a person with dementia are, in each moment, only and clearly right there. And each moment can be entirely different. They are not lying. They are just remembering and truth-ing the best they can right then. This help me a super great deal with my mom and I hope it can also be of help to someone else. My sister and I were quite estranged from this, and still it hasn't all repaired. It is good to have some understanding as to why. You are NOT ALONE.
Oh this is a funny subject if you dont mind me saying. So glad to hear others have shared my frustration. I completely identify with how frustrating it is when a parent is psychotic at home, but quite the darling out around friends and family. One week mom spent days telling me the story of my long lost dad who had reappeared, and that my real dad had just disappeared. Poor dad he couldn't win, he was always the wrong person, or the guy that took off (in her mind). Mom had many bad alter egos for him. Anyhow after days of listening to this we had an extended family gathering. She announced that she had something to tell. Here was my chance for the family to see what I was going thru, to see the bizarre behavior. Well instead she quietly and meekly announced, "sometimes I forget who my husband is". Awwwwwe, all that did was evoke sympathy! I had a moment of self pity. I had endured days of relentless paranoia, stories and delusions only to have her deliver that non climatic ending?? I was (ashamed to say) disappointed. LOL the drama continues, caregiving can be strange...
Since I always goin with Mom when she goes to the doctor, she doesn't get away with the , " I'm fine. " I let her talk to the doctor but if she fibs, I say oh Mom remember..... Then she responds with an Oh yeah, I have pain in my shoulder. She loves to tell medical people that she doesn't feel pain. I think because being stoic was a value during the depression.
My mom is stage 6, so no more "show timers" but, Oh, what I'd give for an "I'm fine."! My mother has had a "bad headache" for 6 years!!! (About the same amount of time she's had Alzheimer's.) Absolutely nothing has helped it...(Morphine, Codeine, Oxycodone, Motrin, aspirin, Tylenol, antidepressants, anti anxieties, etc.) and I hear about it every 1-2 minutes. "Have I told you I have a terrible headache?" "Yes mom, I'm sorry." She's had brain scans, blood tests, X-rays, MRI's, CT's, examinations by brain surgeons, etc. No one can find the cause for the h/a.
As best as I can figure, it's an "Alzheimer's thing." She eats well, sleeps well and does not appear to be in pain. In reaseaching I found out that Alzheimer's patients can hear sounds in their heads like muffled conversation or noises. I guess that could be confused as a headache, especially when it's constant. No way to cure it and no way of stopping her from mentioning it constantly. I guess I'll learn to turn off my hearing when she moves in with us next month. 😳
my mother's favorite response is "I'm fine" so i started telling new docs that they had to actually press and touch her during the exams instead of asking her how she felt, because "if you walked in this room and saw that she was on fire, she would tell you she's fine!"
Amazing huh? It's sad to see what's happened to the person you thought you knew. The part I don't get is how reasonable she is with other people and with me -- OMG, you'd think I was just the worst person in the world. She doesn't hesitate to tell me off, put me in my place...but whenever she needs something - I'm the first person she calls! She's in Adult Foster Care now - but will NOT ask the caregiver there anything - she called me on the phone at 7:30 this morning to place her order for breakfast - she told me she wanted hot coffee, boiled eggs, sausage links (like the kind they had in the hospital), toast with some kind of 'cholesterol' spread...I have no idea what that means...some label they had in the hospital I presume. She told me that 'they don't get breakfast ready around here till 8 o'clock' and I have to get ready to go to church! (btw, church is at 1 p.m.)...so I just told her to find her big coffee cup (I'd brought it over - but she didn't know where it was)...If she takes it down to the dining room, they can give her a big cup of coffee..I'm sure it took her at least a half hour to locate her big cup - as I didn't hear from her again until around 4:30 - when she called me to tell me she had a fever - I called the caregiver manager there to report the 'fever'...and she went right away and checked my mom - while I was on the phone - no fever whatsoever...ooh boy...so I'm the one she pounds on whenever...hissing and snarling...I dread going over there because I'm gonna get whatever tongue lashing she can dish out...demanding and insisting...don't say this, don't say that!! But tells me that she likes the ladies there and they like her (I'm glad)...Her second week is beginning and the caretaker says that she should settle down this next week. I sure hope so...Yesterday when I went over there she insisted we had to get out of the house!!! NOW!!! We can't talk here!!! So out to the car we went -and drove down the road...she tells me 'the house is bugged'...I explained to her that this too was a hallucination...there is no bugging going on in that place...more of her paranoia...
I've got my hands full cleaning out her apartment and rounding up her 'wish list' - I want you to bring this and that and....a long list of requests...and when you get it here I want you to hang this here and this there...and we'll put this over there...(this is a shared room...with very little space)...but as she says 'I'll let you figure this out'...because this is what I want and need to be happy. Right mom...and don't call me 'ma'am'...(that's what she told me yesterday)..
its so true how nice they can be to others and the care giver gets the slap in the face. my mother with her in and out dementia, is so demanding when she is home with us. she will not take no for an answer from me. shes demanding, forceful and loud as h*ll. she required rehab after leaving the hospital recently, so I explained how she can get if she doesn't get her way to the nurses and aides. well, I have heard nothing but how wonderful and funny, and how she is always respectful to whom ever comes into her room. so I decided to show the nurse the other side of my mom. I went into her room alone and greeted her hello. she went off on me like you wouldn't believe. the nurse popped her head into the door and said loudly " oh my Liz I see just what you mean. " shes still in rehab and she has been nothing but nice even to me..................lets see what happens when I get her home. lol.
Love it when that happens SueGeo!! Totally makes my day when someone other than myself gets blown away by something my dad says or does. I'm like DUH!!
I aplaude you!
We have the technology to keep the BODY going practically forever with new medicines and treatments BUT we still haven't conquered dementia. So what good is all the other stuff?
A friend of a friend found out she she had macular degeneration. She also had many other medical problems but kept them in check with medicines. Well, this lady decided that she didn't want to be blind (the end result of macular degeneration), so she stopped all her other medications, knowing full well that doing so would kill her. She died 6 months later, but she still had her sight. She died "naturally", without being kept alive artificially. She had guts to do what she did. It's great that she took control of her destiny.
I'm with you. I'm eating all the fat, sugar, salt and wine I want (which really isn't too much) and I'm only taking meds that help me to live a more comfortable life (stool softeners-if you must know). But to heck with these drugs that will make our bodies outlive our minds. Ain't nobody gonna' wipe my behind and clean up my drool!)
Why is it that those who provide the most care for their elderly parents are the ones that get treated the worse by them? My brother and sister have no clue what I deal with on a daily basis; they're never at my parent's house long enough to see the truth. KARMA BABY!
I take care of my aunt and mother.
My mother has dementia, and that's totally evident.
On the other hand, my aunt (her sister) tells and do senseless things, and also is VERY abusive to my mother and me, but she behaves perfectly normal at the doctor.
We're going through that with my mom in Stage 6-7 Alzheimer's. You'd think by how confused and repetitive she is about things that she wouldn't have the ability to have a "show timers" moment but, she's not TOTALLY mentally gone. When push comes to shove, she understands much more than we think they do. My mother will manipulate us to get what she wants.
Sometimes there are other individuals who are also contributing to the behavior........I think part of it is the loneliness they have no one to talk to... and then when anyone from the outside shows up a happy delightful person emerges and five minutes the company leaves...they revert to their old no so nice self.
Sundowners, Show timers, part timers, call whatever you like...it is breaking my heart to see my mom go through this stage of her life.....and there is absolutely nothing I can do...I am grieving the lost of mom before she actually passes on.
Each day..I hope for a new beginning! Keep the faith and stay strong!
Sometimes there are other individuals who are also contributing to the behavior........I think part of it is the loneliness they have no one to talk to... and then when anyone from the outside shows up a happy delightful person emerges and five minutes after the company leaves...they revert to their old not so nice self.
Sundowners, Show timers, part timers, call whatever you like...it is breaking my heart to see my mom go through this stage of her life.....and there is absolutely nothing I can do...I am grieving the lost of mom before she actually passes on.
Each day..I hope for a new beginning! Keep the faith and stay strong!
This just happened to me 2 days ago. My friend came over and was speaking to my mother. It's been the only time I've seen her smile since the last visitor! She was positively radiant and answering questions instead of asking them.
But once the company left, da da da daaaa...... Mrs. Monster emerges. She demands things, she screams out or hollers "help", she spits food on the table or floor, etc.
Hey, if we had company ALL the time, would they be "show timing" the whole time? Or is this behavior limited until the company becomes "familiar", then the 'real' (nasty) behavior emerges? (I don't really need an answer, just speculating.)
My mother has had a "bad headache" for 6 years!!! (About the same amount of time she's had Alzheimer's.) Absolutely nothing has helped it...(Morphine, Codeine, Oxycodone, Motrin, aspirin, Tylenol, antidepressants, anti anxieties, etc.) and I hear about it every 1-2 minutes. "Have I told you I have a terrible headache?" "Yes mom, I'm sorry."
She's had brain scans, blood tests, X-rays, MRI's, CT's, examinations by brain surgeons, etc. No one can find the cause for the h/a.
As best as I can figure, it's an "Alzheimer's thing."
She eats well, sleeps well and does not appear to be in pain.
In reaseaching I found out that Alzheimer's patients can hear sounds in their heads like muffled conversation or noises. I guess that could be confused as a headache, especially when it's constant. No way to cure it and no way of stopping her from mentioning it constantly.
I guess I'll learn to turn off my hearing when she moves in with us next month. 😳
And if I knew 5 years ago what I know now, I'm not sure it would have changed a damm thing. Lord what a rough journey.
I've got my hands full cleaning out her apartment and rounding up her 'wish list' - I want you to bring this and that and....a long list of requests...and when you get it here I want you to hang this here and this there...and we'll put this over there...(this is a shared room...with very little space)...but as she says 'I'll let you figure this out'...because this is what I want and need to be happy. Right mom...and don't call me 'ma'am'...(that's what she told me yesterday)..
Totally makes my day when someone other than myself gets blown away by something my dad says or does. I'm like DUH!!