My partner and I have been taking care of her mother for 10 months now since she came home from a memory care center. The doctors claimed she has dementia and required 'round the clock supervision and care. The state granted my partner full guardianship. Here's where it gets mind boggling. The mother and daughter have a VERY turbulent past. To say they do not love one another is an understatement. The mother has always been very manipulative, arrogant, condescending, and a know it all. The last few months she keeps insisting she can take care of herself and has made every attempt to get us to leave. But for the grand finale ... recently (about a month ago) she starting visiting a neighbor and has been telling her many jaded stories. We had the last straw when earlier this week the neighbors daughter came over, woke us up out of bed, and started yelling at us claiming elder abuse. We called the cops within minutes of this transgression as did she. When the cop finally arrived my partner was the first to talk to him. After a brief but detailed conversation he approached the mother and neighbor who were across the street. The mother reconfirmed EVERYTHING that my partner had told the cop except for one big discrepancy ... she excluded every detail that made her (the mother) look bad. After a very long conversation with the mother and the neighbor the cop came back to the house. He looked around the house and was very confused. Not only was every detrimental thing she said about us a lie, but from the looks of the house she was being very well taken care of ... and we do. Going back to the mother being manipulative though. She asks for something, we buy it. She does nothing with it. Shes asks for a particular food, we buy it. She then claims she can't eat it (she has no teeth and refuses to wear her dentures which were very expensive). Just yesterday she asked the neighbor to buy her a bunch of tv dinner lasagnas saying we don't buy them for her. We stopped buying them for her because she told us she couldn't chew them! We do EVERYTHING, short of wiping her a**, for her but there is never so much as a thank you. She combats us on everything sticking her nose up in the air at us when she doesn't like what we've suggested ... which is everything. We gave up our jobs and lives to take care of her. WE HAVE NOTHING! The point I'm trying to make is we don't believe she has dementia at all anymore. SHES GETTING SMARTER! Doing some serious research the last few weeks I've found a number of clues suggesting it is or was pseudodementia. For starters she was a severe alcoholic and chain smoker (still a chain smoker) before my partner and I intervened but, when the hospital did scans they found absolutely no evidence of any damage to her liver or lungs. After her getting proper nuitrition for months and months it is possible to reverse alcohol related dementia if its caught soon enough. To top it off she has a bad hip and has for almost 20 years. For those almost 20 years she'd been taking Prednisone. My research concluded that steroids like that can lead to dementia as well but can be reversed within months after stopping the steroid (which we had). The psyche ward said they ran a CT and that it confirmed dementia but this was only a week after we brought her to the hospital. We never got to see that scan. I'm no doctor but I've seen enough of my own brain damage MRIs and CTs to know what I'm looking at. We are now having another doctor request such scans because we truly believe she manipulated us and the system to get us to be her personal slaves. She is and has always been that manipulative of a person. What do we do? We can't take it anymore. We are finishing up whatever half done projects we have at her house then signing her over as a ward to the state unless someone has a brilliant solution to this atrocious nightmare we are living. Since we have nothing to fall back on since we gave up our lives to care for her, we will become homeless after signing over her life to the state.
Midevil...........what a horror story! "Funny" thing though; my 90 y/o super-manipulative mother was diagnosed with progressive dementia back in December. The neurologist at the hospital said to take her off of all the medications she was on that were probably CAUSING the 'dementia', and guess what? She's had a miraculous 'recovery'. I believe it's quite possible for drugs *and especially steroids/Prednisone* to cause what appears to be dementia. The good news, for me, is that she lives in an ALF so I only have to deal with her BS once a week (as a rule).
I sure hope you figure out how to save you and your partner's lives here. I'm sorry for your pain, dear one.
My partner and her mother just got back from the neurologist ... I was right. It was in fact alcohol related. She doesn't have dementia or at least not bad enough to need a guardian and its thanks to my partner and I taking good care of her. She has probably been manipulating us for months. Now the problem is my partner and I are in a sinking ship without a buoy. We don't need to be here but now we have nowhere to go having given up everything to take care of her.
About short term memory. My wife, second marriage, remembers everything her kids say and nothing of what we've done or what I've said over the past 17 years of our marriage. So much for impressive actions.: ))
My Great-Aunt Ruth fooled everyone that came to determine if she had dementia.
Until a dear friend who was also head nurse at a prominent NYC hospital called in a friend in the field to "ask the right questions" and then it was proven that Aunt Ruth could no longer live on her own. She could fool anyone for 5-20 minutes if the right questions were not asked. It's sad, it's a debilitating condition/disease. But she had become a danger to herself and all those living in her apartment building - it was a stove fire waiting to happen and she also smoked nonstop.
So yes, they can fool the people some of the time - I guess this is ShowTimers?
Oh yes. I take care if a woman who can hold on a conversation with the bus driver, answers the telephone in the most cheerful voice, yet inside the house she is completely different. Her medical paperwork does not tell the full story of what is really going on either this person. She is afraid that her family will put her in a nursing home, so she's very careful about what she says and how she says it. And the award for Best Actress in a Drama goes to........
For midevil138, you and your partner need a break - a real break from this woman. Please ask your doctor if it would be possible to prescribe some fairly strong tranquilisers for a short while to damp down her behaviour. You say you "gave up everything" to take care of her, but it sounds to me like you need to have caregivers coming to your house regularly so that you can both go out a get a break. Can you get any money from her own income to pay for this? If not, please go to a local church and ask if they have any strong-minded volunteers who offer to visit the sick and ask for a rota of them to swing by your house for a morning or so. Their evidence can be added to yours to brief local police and social services that your care is good and that your mother is telling lies. If the local church won't help, go online and ask for visiting help - to come and converse with your mother and keep her company while you can both leave the house together. Try it. In my own case, it was the reports of day visitors for a couple of months that convinced my friend's doctor that the Alzheimer's had progressed far further than he realised. Get help - it doesn't have to be paid. But also listen to what they say. There is no need to make yourself penniless, and there is no need to give in to your partner's mother's every demand. In fact, better not to. Good luck!
@komentaightor We've talked to the VNA and Senior Companions, had people from both come out ... NO ONE wants to be in her presence for lengths of time she is so insufferable! I don't just doubt but I can almost guarantee any church volunteers would be driven to insanity much like my partner and I have been. As far as money goes all she receives is SSI and that goes to pay all the bills each month. Anything leftover is what we use to buy whatever is needed to fix up her severely neglected house. She has investments and assets but even with guardianship we technically cannot touch those without my partners moms consent. As far as taking a break ... it would be great but we have nothing to go anywhere or do anything anyway. When I say we gave up everything I mean EVERYTHING! Family, friends, co-workers, jobs, health (physical and mental), and personal space! We basically have a studio apartment inside her moms house where she can disturb us at will and believe me when I say there is nothing more infuriating than trying to relax for even an hour and hear a knocking at our "apartment" door. As far as the police go, the officer that came to the house knows for a fact she is lying. As described before he was very confused when he came in and saw nothing was as it had been described. And she probably does not even lie on purpose I've determined because of the alcohol damage to her brain (confabulation). I think she really believes everything she told the officer as true. cuz I sure as h*ll know the neighbor does and she'd never even set foot in our house before that incident. Point being we don't need to be here but we're now stuck here at least until we sort out everything legally with the Elder Law firm we contacted. Even after that though if we still have nothing we'll be homeless on the street. Rant over ... not even sure if what I've just typed makes sense I'm so far beyond stressed at this point
It's drives me nuts when Mom's so mellow with doctors/church members/people who don't see her all the time, etc., and they tell me how "sweet" she is. They never see how nasty "Helen Wheels" is to her family. Amazing how dementia patients can be so selective, isn't it?
I feel SO much better knowing that my husband and I aren't the only ones going through this! His mother is 85, and insists that she does t have dementia. His father has dementia, and she insists that she can take care of him, even though he's fallen and she just let him lay there for 15 minutes because she couldn't physically help him. She refused to call anyone, but just told him that he would need to get himself up. She sweet-talks everyone, including her doctor's, and she has them all fooled. She garners sympathy from people, saying that her son won't come and help her with her lawn care and her landlord is going to be upset with her, so that the person listening would come right away to do it. In reality, my husband told her that he was going to come the very next day, but SHE wanted it done immediately. She's sweet as pie to everyone but us, even though we moved to another state in order to be in the same town as them to help! She's making horrible decisions, and not listening to us at all, but no one in her social circles believes it because of the things she's told them about us.
This happened to me, the Dictir came to assess a Dementia person at home. Her daughter was adament that her mum was well enough to stay home and not to leave her in a N/H. Her daughter had brought a small colourful bunch of violets wrapped, to display in a small vase. We all stepped out the room to confer. When we went back into her mums room, to all our astonishment she was sitting very still munching on the violets. Only had a few stalks sticking out of her mouth! Lucky for all we removed them from her mouth. Needless to say, coming home to live was not mentioned again..
I was glad to see this post! I took my mother to her first neuro exam for dementia and she aced the screening test with the nurse! I was shocked, then when the doctor walked in she was doing really until the last 10 minutes...she was telling him a story about an event at which I was at with her and she got it completely wrong. He asked me if she was correct in recounting of the story and I let him know that she was not, and told him what really happened. Mom's response was that she didn't remember any of what I told him....he agreed to evaluate further.
Yes, my husband could get an academy award also. When around drs, nurses, police, social workers etc he puts on a good show and there are times that he would have them believing I was the one with the problem. It was a hard road to get my hubby admitted to a NH but thankfully God worked that all out. It came to a point where that he would not even allow me to touch him and laid in his own waste. I came within hours of having to get a mental health warrant, but thankfully he finally came around and allowed me to take him to the hospital and stayed there a week and then was taken to the local nursing home. The NH has been a Godsend, he is doing much better, I think because he listens to the aids when he would not listen to me and having a controlled environment has helped as well. NH's are not w/o pitfalls in the road but at least for us this has worked out well so far. Just don't assume they are getting the correct meds/care and forge some good relationships with your loved ones nurses and aids which promotes better outcomes.
I had the same problem with doctors not believing me about my husband's condition. He had what was becoming worse and worse memory problems, but he could act normally at the doctor's office and the doctor did not realize his problems. I asked for a Geriatric Assessment from a local hospital Internal Medicine dept. It is a 2-3 hour appointment with several doctors and social worker. He was not able to pass some of the tests that they gave him especially for what is called executive function. Finally the doctors believed me about his condition, it really relieved the stress I was under when no one would believe me.
I would probably have to say no on this one because you either have dementia or Alzheimer's or you don't, and there's no hiding it for long if you do. You may try to hide it out of embarrassment but sooner or later it's discovered by people who recognize it but not necessarily by people who don't recognize it and don't know what to look for. If you're not trained or ever had past experience then you won't know what to look for because you won't be able to spot signs of dementia or Alzheimer's. It takes either proper training or past experience with hindsight to know when someone has dementia or Alzheimer's. When you have the condition, you can't fake it, it's either there or it's not
I do not know about show timers,but my mom has something called Sun Downer's where she tends to forget what time of day it is and she wants to go to bed early. Another thing I have noticed the past two - three weeks is she will not stop talking,and she gets up through out the night as well. She only sleeps about 4 hours total. Her sleep medication does not even work well.
This was supposed to b a question..sorry..new here..I'll apologize ahead of time as this will b long 😕My mom is in RH now after 2 falls out of bed she had previously fractured her tailbone now a new fracture in her spine..one fall in which she said she was covering up her granddaughter because fan was blowing on her and she was cold...she's 33 was @ home with her 3kids...thing is we're trying to get permanent placement in RH for her as I have congestive heart failure, 2 knee replacements and facing back surgery...thing is she's a diff person..in there she walks straight without being bent over at the waist to the point she going to pitch forward on the floor she gets in bed normally totally incontinent at home..gets up and goes to BR there at home she has to take 2 steps and sit..not there..she willingly takes her meds there without even using applesauce...she's having PT & OT while there they told her she's doing great and they don't know why she's there?....,she says she's not spending rest of life there and wants me to bring her phone book tomorrow as she's finding someone who she can pay to take care of her...we tell her how she does at home and she says she doesn't remember it....her primary physician said 2 years ago she needed 24 hour care..2 neurologist and a social worker agree on the moderate dementia diagnosis...I am her POA..as of now I have her bluffed telling her she can't leave nursing home to live somewhere else unless I approve it..RH said I need to get guardianship over her as they cannot legally keep her there should she decide to leave..she says the "Lord" has shown her many things and he is going to take care of things in her favor...and that she has been "healed" of her dementia and incontinence...where do I go from here??????
In answer to your Showtimers Question: It has recently come to my attention that more often than not, it isn't that the patient is good at pretending, it's that the 'company' isn't paying attention.
Ray's son came to visit last week for 1 day and thought his dad is doing great! They had a nice chat, spoke on many topics and Ray never asked for help to go potty. I took a brief break to do some shopping as I hadn't been able to get to Walmart in 2 months.
Long-story short: Ray had no idea what they had discussed which makes me think it was a one-sided conversation. Ray insisted on being dressed and I had to launder 4 pair of pants and no, "son" never noticed.
This made me think of your question. So my new answer is, no, they may not be exhibiting Showtimers as much as the company just isn't seeing what is in front of their faces.
Truly pitiful! These are the very same people who will come back later with accusations like, "why didn't you tell me he was so bad?!"
Sorry to hear your problem, I go through the same thing. My Mom fools everyone. They think she is so sweet and kind. but at home she is totally the opposite. She belittles me and my Dad. Never has a kind word and always negative all the time. Now that Dad is so sick she is worse because I won't let her tell Dad what to do and try and make him do things he is not able to do. Lord help us all!
Shirley1957-(I was born that year too!), Try recording her behavior on your phone when she's nasty, then you can show it to her (or anyone else you need to prove it to) as needed. Seeing herself behave badly might just shake her up enough to correct her behavior. (I know, wishful thinking, huh?). At least you'll have it on file. I've done this with my mom because people have said, "She's SO sweet." Yeah, well I have proof that that's not the case. It also is helpful to have video for the doctor, when they put on the "sweet" show during the face to face visit. I'm tired of the "oh, it's the Alzheimer's" excuse. Yes, she does have it but we are only human also. We are the recipients of their abuse. We can't be completely discounted just because they have the diagnosis of dementia. Because of this, hubby and I limit our visits with mom to our "tolerance level". They are out of their minds but we are only human too, a loose-loose situation. :(
My wife denied she is,was mean and nasty to me. On any one day in 3 or 4 different people. Her kids deny that she could ever do what I say she does. I just say yes and we will do it tomorrow because she will never remember. Am I wrong in doing that? I don't think so.
Hey folks, I have a "FIX" to most of your problems with "no sign" of dementia to "others", just caregivers. First I have a funny story too. LOVE your stories! We ALL NEED TO LAUGH=best stress reliever. One day she was irritable, so I finally did what the nurse said -"walk off", and in the Early stages, call them on their behaviour - (Mom- that wasn't nice.) I went outside and sat in the swing on the deck-in drizzling rain. She peeked out the door and said "you are going to get wet". I nicely said - It feels good. She didn't get the argument she wanted and shut the door. I got a good snicker and a few minutes of rest. OR, call the neuro -nurse, she'll calm "you" and talk you through it.
#1 VERY IMPORTANT - Take her to a "Neurologist", dementia doctor, not general medical. Ask them for a referral. #2 I started typing a report for "all" of the doctors, np, pa's...a one page report, on "this is what has happened since you last saw her", give dates, and, all my questions on how to handle this "particular" behavior, and how the latest medicine affected her-good or bad. It helped the doctor so much he said he wish all his patients caregivers would do that. I gave it to the check in person and insisted they give it to him/her BEFORE they called us in the office. The visits went smooth as he addressed the concerns in "general" conversation and helps them determine the stage of the disease. #4. Don't talk about her, in front of her" - it only saddens, hurts, demeans them, and makes them madder, causing depression. Remember they can't help it "most of the time". They are only getting their frustrations out. Put yourself in their place-losing all your independence. If I needed instructions from him, as reinforcement - I typed them out, asked them to copy on their letterhead and showed her Doc's instructions (take meds, eat, drink ... and he signed it.) It helped me. I left it on the counter so she could read it several times a day. It eventually disappeared, but I had copies. For most of us caregivers, please try to remember "it's the disease you are mad at, not mom/dad... Relish the good moments, and get an Alzheimer's Caregiver manual from nih.com (national institute on health - free). It's great and easy to follow, 1 page for each problem-how to handle it. ALWAYS "try" to keep her and you laughing=great stress reliever. Good luck and rely on your resources. SUPPORT GROUPS ARE AWESOME! (www.alz.org) Find a local one. It's amazing what u can learn from each other. They won't brush their teeth-get child bubble gum toothpaste-it worked! Get rest and PLEASE take care of yourself. It's hard to do - This extremely stressful "caregiving" will destroy your own health. It did to me. Mom died in late 2016, and I've had one after another, "serious" illnesses. God Bless you all and your sharing to me the last few years was so helpful and appreciated. Don't forget to "Pray Your Way" through it.
I can relate... I thank you all for sharing, sounds so similar to my aging parent. However what some don't seem to realize, Dementia does not pick and choose who it likes, people do that, not the dementia. What you are experiencing is heart issues of the spiritual kind. The bible says, the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. Many things are hidden in the heart, the bible makes this clear in Jeremiah 17:9-10. Usually it takes trauma, tragedey, disease, or something else to bring the heart issue to the surface. My dad is 92, still lives alone, however he needs me for shopping, cleaning house and taking him to town. You would think I would be his best friend, however I am treated worst than a enemy. Sadly he has been acting this way in some form or another all my life. When my dad was younger he still had hard words to say to mom, me and my brother, and yet nice to everyone as if they were his best of friends. Now that the Dementia has been creeping up for the past 15 years, his abusive words are like hot acid to my heart. When he is calm, he has told me that he wrestles against the dark world daily. (Read Ephesians Chapter 6). Today I had to tell him, I will need to bring someone along with me from now on for my next visits. See I know he will not be cruel to me if someone else is with me. That my friend is not the Dementia talking, that is the condition of his heart working out the stuff stored in it. Selfishness is a sin, and until we deal with our sin nature, the Dementia aggravates what is in the heart. I have one sibling, and that one sibling who is older refuses to go and visit and has not done so for several years. He says he can not take it anymore. In his absent, I get it double wamy. Now he is angry at the other child who refuses to get beat up with his words. Painful. I am still human, although I have learned more patience because of the love and respect I have for my dad. However the caustic words from my dad is doing harm to me, for it is painful to bear when all you want to do is have a good relationship with your dad. The sibling refuses to take any care or chores, or anything, and I stand alone (with God) in this hurtful period in my life. However I am more sad for my dad who has chosen to alienate his only two living relatives with harsh words and actions. I would ask for your prayers for me and my dad and my sibling.
Hi LoneCaregiver, Yes, from the mouth speaks the heart. But you've got to realize that is only for sane people. It doesn't apply to someone who's brain is being 'eaten' by Alzheimer's disease. Yeah, their personality is enhanced (or exaggerated) by the disease but they CAN'T control it. Stop blaming them, it's not their fault. As nasty as my mother was when she had her mind, she NOW can't be held responsible for the nasty things she says. Please educate yourself on dementia. There are many resources from which to choose. It is very difficult when you have grown up in an abusive home but all that has to be put aside. let go of it. (Forgive others so your Heavenly Father can forgive you.)
This is just a rotten disease that everyone suffers from. With any luck, you and I will go to Heaven BEFORE dementia gets its hold on us. But, in the mean time, give it up. Make the best of the days left with your father. Leave when you have to, to maintain your sanity, but hang in there. Pray a lot. Ask the Lord to help you endure your father. After all, He gave your parents to you specifically. It will be over one day. You are blaming him for his past (which is ok) but not for the present and the future. There for the grace of God, go I.
It has helped a lot reading about other peples problems. I was happily surprised to find my problem is also shared with so many carers. I could not understand how Dentia people are different when their carer comes in or other visitors. How is the best way to deal with it? Alzeimers is a very cruel thing and I find my client is extremely clinging and demanding.
I don't understand how someone with dementia CAN control their words and actions in front of others but not in front of their caregivers? To act sweet and happy in front of others but to me my mother has nothing but sour looks and words. She won't wear a hearing aid for me, but she'd never forget it for the doctor's office. How is that NOT under her control? I totally get that dementia destroys the mind and I do believe that for many if not most things that my mother does/says I can blame on the dementia. But not all. She DOES control a lot of her actions...or at least I believe she does.
On one had, my SIL could drive me nutty with stubbornness and memory deficits, and then convince other people that she was OK. It could be that the "nice" times are more tiring in the long run, and with the people involved in her care she didn't make the effort. On the other hand, my brother with Parkinsons never lost his sense of humor, and his DIL told me that he was still good company even when the memory went in and out. There is an interesting mix of original personality and disease, and I suspect that in some cases, the true person comes out when there is no energy left. I have heard of cases if people coming out of anesthesia also using language that they would not use fully conscious and in control.
One thing that amazed me was although my Dad was in stage 6 and had lots of hallucinations he could still talk a good game. They called me from the memory care center one night to help "talk him down." He thought he was at work as an engineer there. He was convinced there were safety issues with the heating and air conditioning unit and that he needed to get everyone out of the building! He was whistling loudly and trying to round up the residents to go outside. He sounded so believable and was very specific about what the issues were at the plant. I told him they had relief crew of engineers coming and that he needed to get some rest - they needed him fresh the next day! That was enough to calm him down. I look back on some of these stories and smile.. what a ride that disease is!!
I sure hope you figure out how to save you and your partner's lives here. I'm sorry for your pain, dear one.
Until a dear friend who was also head nurse at a prominent NYC hospital called in a friend in the field to "ask the right questions" and then it was proven that Aunt Ruth could no longer live on her own. She could fool anyone for 5-20 minutes if the right questions were not asked. It's sad, it's a debilitating condition/disease. But she had become a danger to herself and all those living in her apartment building - it was a stove fire waiting to happen and she also smoked nonstop.
So yes, they can fool the people some of the time - I guess this is ShowTimers?
You say you "gave up everything" to take care of her, but it sounds to me like you need to have caregivers coming to your house regularly so that you can both go out a get a break. Can you get any money from her own income to pay for this? If not, please go to a local church and ask if they have any strong-minded volunteers who offer to visit the sick and ask for a rota of them to swing by your house for a morning or so. Their evidence can be added to yours to brief local police and social services that your care is good and that your mother is telling lies. If the local church won't help, go online and ask for visiting help - to come and converse with your mother and keep her company while you can both leave the house together. Try it. In my own case, it was the reports of day visitors for a couple of months that convinced my friend's doctor that the Alzheimer's had progressed far further than he realised. Get help - it doesn't have to be paid. But also listen to what they say. There is no need to make yourself penniless, and there is no need to give in to your partner's mother's every demand. In fact, better not to.
Good luck!
She sweet-talks everyone, including her doctor's, and she has them all fooled. She garners sympathy from people, saying that her son won't come and help her with her lawn care and her landlord is going to be upset with her, so that the person listening would come right away to do it. In reality, my husband told her that he was going to come the very next day, but SHE wanted it done immediately. She's sweet as pie to everyone but us, even though we moved to another state in order to be in the same town as them to help! She's making horrible decisions, and not listening to us at all, but no one in her social circles believes it because of the things she's told them about us.
Another thing I have noticed the past two - three weeks is she will not stop talking,and she gets up through out the night as well. She only sleeps about 4 hours total. Her sleep medication does not even work well.
Ray's son came to visit last week for 1 day and thought his dad is doing great! They had a nice chat, spoke on many topics and Ray never asked for help to go potty. I took a brief break to do some shopping as I hadn't been able to get to Walmart in 2 months.
Long-story short: Ray had no idea what they had discussed which makes me think it was a one-sided conversation. Ray insisted on being dressed and I had to launder 4 pair of pants and no, "son" never noticed.
This made me think of your question. So my new answer is, no, they may not be exhibiting Showtimers as much as the company just isn't seeing what is in front of their faces.
Truly pitiful! These are the very same people who will come back later with accusations like, "why didn't you tell me he was so bad?!"
Try recording her behavior on your phone when she's nasty, then you can show it to her (or anyone else you need to prove it to) as needed. Seeing herself behave badly might just shake her up enough to correct her behavior. (I know, wishful thinking, huh?). At least you'll have it on file.
I've done this with my mom because people have said, "She's SO sweet." Yeah, well I have proof that that's not the case. It also is helpful to have video for the doctor, when they put on the "sweet" show during the face to face visit.
I'm tired of the "oh, it's the Alzheimer's" excuse. Yes, she does have it but we are only human also. We are the recipients of their abuse. We can't be completely discounted just because they have the diagnosis of dementia. Because of this, hubby and I limit our visits with mom to our "tolerance level". They are out of their minds but we are only human too, a loose-loose situation. :(
#1 VERY IMPORTANT - Take her to a "Neurologist", dementia doctor, not general medical. Ask them for a referral. #2 I started typing a report for "all" of the doctors, np, pa's...a one page report, on "this is what has happened since you last saw her", give dates, and, all my questions on how to handle this "particular" behavior, and how the latest medicine affected her-good or bad. It helped the doctor so much he said he wish all his patients caregivers would do that. I gave it to the check in person and insisted they give it to him/her BEFORE they called us in the office. The visits went smooth as he addressed the concerns in "general" conversation and helps them determine the stage of the disease. #4. Don't talk about her, in front of her" - it only saddens, hurts, demeans them, and makes them madder, causing depression. Remember they can't help it "most of the time". They are only getting their frustrations out. Put yourself in their place-losing all your independence. If I needed instructions from him, as reinforcement - I typed them out, asked them to copy on their letterhead and showed her Doc's instructions (take meds, eat, drink ... and he signed it.) It helped me. I left it on the counter so she could read it several times a day. It eventually disappeared, but I had copies.
For most of us caregivers, please try to remember "it's the disease you are mad at, not mom/dad... Relish the good moments, and get an Alzheimer's Caregiver manual from nih.com (national institute on health - free). It's great and easy to follow, 1 page for each problem-how to handle it. ALWAYS "try" to keep her and you laughing=great stress reliever. Good luck and rely on your resources. SUPPORT GROUPS ARE AWESOME! (www.alz.org) Find a local one. It's amazing what u can learn from each other. They won't brush their teeth-get child bubble gum toothpaste-it worked! Get rest and PLEASE take care of yourself. It's hard to do - This extremely stressful "caregiving" will destroy your own health. It did to me. Mom died in late 2016, and I've had one after another, "serious" illnesses. God Bless you all and your sharing to me the last few years was so helpful and appreciated. Don't forget to "Pray Your Way" through it.
Yes, from the mouth speaks the heart. But you've got to realize that is only for sane people. It doesn't apply to someone who's brain is being 'eaten' by Alzheimer's disease. Yeah, their personality is enhanced (or exaggerated) by the disease but they CAN'T control it. Stop blaming them, it's not their fault. As nasty as my mother was when she had her mind, she NOW can't be held responsible for the nasty things she says. Please educate yourself on dementia. There are many resources from which to choose. It is very difficult when you have grown up in an abusive home but all that has to be put aside. let go of it. (Forgive others so your Heavenly Father can forgive you.)
This is just a rotten disease that everyone suffers from. With any luck, you and I will go to Heaven BEFORE dementia gets its hold on us. But, in the mean time, give it up. Make the best of the days left with your father. Leave when you have to, to maintain your sanity, but hang in there. Pray a lot. Ask the Lord to help you endure your father. After all, He gave your parents to you specifically. It will be over one day.
You are blaming him for his past (which is ok) but not for the present and the future.
There for the grace of God, go I.
I told him they had relief crew of engineers coming and that he needed to get some rest - they needed him fresh the next day! That was enough to calm him down. I look back on some of these stories and smile.. what a ride that disease is!!