OMG..I am so glad you asked that.I did not know it was a thing.I always say Mom is very convincing.For years,she had everyone fooled,except me and her sister. Even now she can appear normal to strangers.I had no trouble convincing Drs.,though. The saddest thing is that she thinks she is fine.Perhaps it's a blessing she does not feel crazy.
wow, all these stories sound familiar. my mom would get all dressed up for the doctor and i swear she was flirting with him...she would say i'm fine, i've been healthy all my life...then she would call me a few hours later and say i haven't seen you, when are you coming over...this went on for years. I wish these doctors were more perceptive and could give solutions to this obvious epidemic. i'm surprised they can't pick up on it and be helpful...that's whats even scarier
Tsuba1.... I had to laugh when I saw your post about flirting with the doctor. My husband has seen my mom blow kisses to the doctor when he wasn't looking... It did take a long time before we convinced him that she was showtiming. Most of her friends weren't fooled, though, and they would call me and report weird behavior... she was even doing the showtiming for me!
My dad was easily able to do that in the earlier stages. He was cognizant enough that he was able to 'focus' on what was being asked of him, and still was able to pull info from his brain to answer.
That pretty much stopped last year. Which was good & bad, obviously... given that the neuro-test he had done in 2012 during diagnosis of probable Alzheimer's indicated he had been in top 10% of IQ, but was already approaching 10% of processing ability. Pulling up info he could do, usually to just talk about something he saw on TV .... just not implement or otherwise use Executive Processing skills.
I was so glad to read these stories. My husband is very intelligent, and while he is not mean, he can pull himself together so completely in front of other people sometimes that I wonder if I am imagining the things that happen at home. Then he asks me, "Exactly what is a screen door?", and I know it's not me. I notice much of the time when he is in a group of people, he is much quieter than he was before the Dementia, and he pretends to just agree when he doesn't understand what is going on. My mother, who is still very much alive at age 83, has Borderline Personality Disorder. She is a master of manipulation, so I think maybe my life with her has been training for dealing with my husband!
I have a 96 year-old client who never needed to clean or cook in her entire life. Her son now has her apartment cleaned throughly every two weeks. When I tell her that her apartment looks so clean, she beams and then tell me that she cleaned it herself because no one else would do it for her. Then she went on to tell me that she had cleaned her patio door (but she never goes out on to her balcony). It is hard to keep a straight face when she talks about her cleaning activities. Her son finds these stories hard to believe because he knows that she never did any house related work ever. However she loves the compliments about how hard she works when she cleans.
Thank you for pointing out that this behavior requires substantial effort on the part of the person with memory loss. When a person with memory loss goes to a party or other gathering, they will only be able to maintain the normal facade for a limited time. Thus I suggest that someone familiar with this person's behavior should be close by, so they can intervene when the person can no longer act normal. Then the person can be lead to a quiet space or taken away from a crowd after they can longer maintain their former behaviors. I call this behavior "rising to the occasion." it can be irksome or one can acknowledge that it is part of the disease progression.
I can sure relate to everything everyone else has said. I've felt like my mom has a split personality (Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde) and couldn't figure out what I was doing to make her so upset and angry with me so much and so "normal" and sweet with my brother. I have a wonderful supportive brother who has not ever openly questioned things I tell him, but it's gotten to the point where I'm not sure he really believes me. Mom is so happy and sweet when he comes to visit. Sometimes makes me feel she truly does hate me but now I see that this is normal hopefully that will help me cope and to understand.
My dad does this. I have found that many doctors are receptive to written histories of the medical/ behavioral problems we are trying to solve. For years, my father - now 95 - would not allow me to talk in a doctor's visit and get punitive afterward with me if I did. I solved this by relating the family's observations in a written document. This also provides context to the doctor that might be useful in deciding the best course of treatment.
This post is such a blessing. I had a new doctor visit my mom in her home. I was hoping the home visit would put her at ease since she has been so resistant to seeing doctors. The new doc..."She seemed perfectly fine to me." Ahhhhhh!!!!! Especially when this woman had spoken with me in advance. Wouldn't you think she would at least suggest some further evaluation. Of my mom. Or me?!!!
I think I may have a winner here. Caryl, my wonderful friend I take care of now (dementia/Alzheimer's) was an RN/psychiatric nurse for 40+ years. She's sneaky, she lies and lies and lies, and she keeps sneaking food to the dogs off her plate. They are thrilled beyond measure (and have lost all of their doggie manners around mealtimes). We try to find the humor in it, but she knows to say... "I don't know why I did that. It must be the dementia." In that moment, her acting ability would give Meryl Streep a run for her money. Haha!
All of your stories are very welcome to hear. My mother passed almost three years ago, and a lingering thorn is the way she treated me. She had no diagnosed dementia but she had a form of it. She was unable to think things through, or make judgments. She double checked everything with me as she did not trust her own mind. I remember that at one point in time, I'd had enough and I'd tell her to stop picking at me when she was particularly outrageous. After a few days of her trying very hard to be abusive, and getting asked to stop picking at me, one day she said, "Well, I'd tell you what I really think of you, but you'd probably have to say something about it." And then she held her tongue. She knew she was abusive, and wanted to be abusive, but wouldn't actually say it that particular time because she knew I would call her on it. It was the only victory for me. There were many more times when she just let fly. She also was charming, giggled like a school girl, had everyone's admiration for how sharp and humorous she was, and her friends often treated me aloofly and disapprovingly as she had bad mouthed me to them. It was heartbreaking to be her caregiver. In the end, of course, she took some digs at me on the way out. I don't know how to come to terms with a lot of it, and I suppose humor is good. Thank you for your stories.
LUCKYDOG55 - Well since my mothers Dementia has "come out of hiding" I decided to read some Dementia stories. She has had Alzheimers/Dementia for about 6 years now but they had finally gotten her used to the nursing home she was in and she loved her own big room and then she started falling and passed out so she was in the hospital a good 2 weeks. That hospital trip brought her Dementia to a very nasty surface. Her doctor was trying to get her meds straight to calm her down and tonight is her first night back at the nursing home. I pray the phone does not ring tonight - again! Anyway, at the hospital everyone said how sweet she was and funny and joking around (until 4PM!) but to me she always has been harsh and when she gets angry she gets incredibly nasty and tells me to shut up and get out all the time. Even worse things. So, when she gets that way I just smile and wink at her, give her a little tap on the shoulder (which she hates) and say "Bye, have a nice day!" and leave. I dont let myself get worked up about it anymore!
I have this trouble with a friend who is mid-term Alzheimer's and in kind residential care. Her domineering "boyfriend" who does all the talking is convinced that she is more compos mentis than she actually is, and this creates enormous tension between us because he won't believe that she is bluffing. It's been a year since she has been able to follow a conversation.
That's what my mother is doing. "Show timing!" Here I thought, she's entertaining, trying to be funny. This doormat is ready to be kicked out the door to be aired out so to speak...I'm done....for now. Have a good weekend.😀
Definitely, watched my mother do it so many times with doctors, caregivers, case workers, etc. IT's awful and misleading. Once we get mom home, she's a mess - more confused and frantic and can't do anything or manage well -- but they all diagnose her as "healthy but with dementia"; recommend assistance. But she refuses and we are back to square one. I think that they should have to evaluate the patient under some stress -- at the end of a day.
My mom senses when a dr or authority comes "a calling" and then snaps too with answering questions or doing an activity -- then as soon as its over, she denies any advice they dispense --- even written instructions. she read it then says -- "he didn't say that". Its very frustrating.
Wow, then I'm NOT alone with this phony show my mother puts on for others! She has everyone fooled, thinking she's capable and 'normal', and actually doing quite well for her age (90). Ha! The truth is, she's deep into dementia and having a terrible time with the simplest of tasks. She's having a harder time 'hiding' it lately, though, since I spoke with her doctor who mentioned that mom is repeating herself incessantly. Really? Who knew? Sigh. After a while, I think it becomes impossible to hide the truth from everyone. I guess it's good they CAN hide it as long as possible. It's frustrating beyond belief for US, but boy howdy it gives THEM a moment of delight.
Oh these stories are wonderful and I do appreciate everyone sharing theirs! I live about 700 miles from my parents, my mother has dementia (mid stage) and dad had a stroke 14 years ago, he gets around but needs assistance. My only brother lives there and deals with Mom daily telling him to get out, he is mean, he is abusive etc. I go to stay a week or so with them once every 3 months or so, to keep the bills caught up and provide some relief for my brother as best I can. Last visit, mom started to complain about my brother and I gently reminded her how thrilled she was when he was born and how she prayed when he was ill to recover. She smiled and said ever so sweetly she remembered quite well... how the aliens brought him down in their space ship, handed him to her and told her he was going to be a handful when he got older! She said she didn't think that would be the case but they made her swear to keep him forever and she agreed! NOW she says she wished she had listened and refused him!!" My brother and I about fell off the chairs we were sitting on! I said "Mamma! Did you just call my brother an ALIEN??" She said "Well he is a little off kilter!" We still roll with laughter over that one!!
I told everyone in the family two years ago my mother had been diagnosed with dementia. She was easily confused and made up things as she went along (like her trip to the local hospital, which in her mind was across town, where they put her in a tunnel to wait and then to another hospital-- she had a CT Scan and Xrays following a fall where she hit her head and broke her pelvic bones and two vertebrae in her back). She still swears she never broke a bone, never went to THAT hospital etc. Two years later, one of my aunts calls all concerned because she says my mother doesn't make any sense and asked "is she in the beginning stages of dementia?" I said "REALLY? No one listened two years ago?" I was a bit angry that no one in her family thought I knew what I was talking about, now "all her stories are wrong" Um, yep! Been wrong for two years and running. Bout time they caught up huh? I guess her show time on the phone was convincing enough they didn't think I was right. Reality is now slapping them hard, but I DID warn them it was coming.
I care for my 93 yr mom dimentia/Alzheimer's. She is the most negative person! She is also very good actress. Everyone that talks to her in phone says how good she sounds. I get do frustrated because she makes up stories and lies a lot . All she does is complain. She has always been a control freak now she has no control. I video her and show the doctor so she knows what is really going on! She has started sleeping 12-15 hrs s night is that normal?
MaryTheresa, I think that is normal at some points. My mom was diagnosed 2 years ago with dementia. Her mind is now in an alternate reality that is not pleasant and distorts things so much. She had everyone fooled for the last two years and no one in the family believed me when I told them of her diagnosis. They would talk to her and call me and say she sounded perfectly normal to them, but that was in her moments. They didn't see her on the other end mouthing "who is this on the phone again?" several times while they talked. Then it finally became impossible for her to cover up and my aunts all called me alarmed because she no longer made sense and would call them by my name. I guess I got a bit too aggravated at their recent "discovery" and questions as to IF she has the ONSET of dementia and went off a bit, saying I told you all that two YEARS ago, she is not in the beginning, but almost to late stage at this point. My mother's dementia is progressing rapidly. Others don't see it because they aren't IN it daily. Great idea to video tape her for the doctors too. Mom now sleeps most of the day but wakes several times during the night. We didn't know how much until we put child safe caps on the door knobs! She woke us up several times a night saying she couldn't get the door open!! Because she forgets she has eaten we had to take the knobs off the stove and put a lock on the oven and fridge (child proofing locks were sufficient--she couldn't figure out how to open them). The sleep pattern being disrupted also causes her to confuse days. Talk to her doctor to see if getting something to help her sleep at night would help and engage in activities during the day to keep her awake if possible.
I just have to say that whenever I am feeling frustrated or overwhelmed with sadness in caring for Mom and her Alzheimers, I feel refreshed after reading posts on this site...I don't feel like I am the 'only one' experiencing the same feelings; also, in certain situations that others have that I have gone thru with Mom I can get helpful ideas on ways to solve an issue or to understand something better.....the different perspectives and ideas reassure me that I know I am doing good for her; I just get sad when I see her change or exhibit different behaviors that I know are part of the disease....I think this is an awful degrading disease that robs people of their minds ... how horrible !!! Is torturous to see this on a daily basis...and it seems that I love her more, and have become extremely protective of her...thank you all for helping me.... :) Only people on this website know how I really feel and what I'm going thru; my husband and son empathize but don't really comprehend it to the full extent of what it really is...you have to go thru it to know how it feels...thank you all so much :)
Mom sure did before she died, and she always had a forceful enough personality she could get away with it. Dad also does the showtime thing, and my cousins (who live nearby) aren't totally aware of how bad off he is.
I've noticed as he gets into late stages he's doing less showtime. Maybe he's accepted his condition? Maybe no one's fooled? Maybe it's too hard on him to do that any more? Whatever the reason, I take it as another indication of his sad decline.
Omg it's like a mirror!! I look like a total d!ck when we have company because she acts so normal walk talk etc! Thankfully most of the ppl we hang out with know both sides but it's nice to know I'm am so far from being alone. I love this site!!!!
You just described what my abusive alcoholic parents were to a T, right down to the letter! My parents were the exact same way and that was called a fake front. They appear one way to the unknowing an unsuspecting, but behind closed doors, their true colors secretly come out around their victims. So many people hide behind a fake fronts
My Dad tells his doctors that he's doing great! One of the reasons he's in this situation is that he never told his doctors what was going on with him. He's a proud, old fashioned man who thinks that admitting that something is wrong is a weakness.
You just described my long since deceased mom. She was normal to the outside world but mean and vicious in private. From what you described I don't think she really has dementia, but I do think something is going on and you may want to have her mentally evaluated by a psychiatrist or even a neurologist. What I would do is get a nice long video of her, just set up a hidden camera somewhere and take it back to those doctors and other people she fooled. Show them what really happens secretly
The saddest thing is that she thinks she is fine.Perhaps it's a blessing she does not feel crazy.
That pretty much stopped last year. Which was good & bad, obviously... given that the neuro-test he had done in 2012 during diagnosis of probable Alzheimer's indicated he had been in top 10% of IQ, but was already approaching 10% of processing ability. Pulling up info he could do, usually to just talk about something he saw on TV .... just not implement or otherwise use Executive Processing skills.
It is hard to keep a straight face when she talks about her cleaning activities. Her son finds these stories hard to believe because he knows that she never did any house related work ever. However she loves the compliments about how hard she works when she cleans.
I call this behavior "rising to the occasion." it can be irksome or one can acknowledge that it is part of the disease progression.
In the end, of course, she took some digs at me on the way out. I don't know how to come to terms with a lot of it, and I suppose humor is good. Thank you for your stories.
My mom senses when a dr or authority comes "a calling" and then snaps too with answering questions or doing an activity -- then as soon as its over, she denies any advice they dispense --- even written instructions. she read it then says -- "he didn't say that". Its very frustrating.
I've noticed as he gets into late stages he's doing less showtime. Maybe he's accepted his condition? Maybe no one's fooled? Maybe it's too hard on him to do that any more? Whatever the reason, I take it as another indication of his sad decline.