There are so many answers to this question. It was hard for me when I was "helping" to care for my MIL. I was accussed of stealing her things or she would ask where allher stuff went (when it was right there for here to see). She to put on a front when people came over, but especially when her son was around.....! He would come home from work and ask about the day. I'd tell him, but then my MIL would give him a whole different rendition? This, I didn't know, till I walked in on her while she was telling him her story. Still, alot for "us" to learn...... about the many, many phases of this disease! It's an ongoing saga so hang in there.....and Godbless
My dad is in his 70's and has alzheimers complicated by stroke. He never said a curse word in his whole life that I ever heard. Now when we are out and about riding in the car, he blurts them out intermentently. It is funny in a way. In the beginning my mother was apalled, but now I think she has gotten used to it. If only that were the least of our worries.
I can always feel it when my Mom is winding up to start telling a "story" about me. It just makes me die inside because if she gets a laugh from my expense then it is "funny." When I think back she was always this way to some degree. It has just become more pronounced as she aged. One of the things that make me so sad is the way she just seems to cling to the negative. Loves to hear stories about peoples troubles but is uninterested if something good happens to them. I guess this is just human nature. I just do not want it happening to me!
This post is so relevant to my situation. Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind when my mom pulls it together and acts so sweet, and normal in front of everyone else. I guess there is a limit as to how long she can fake it.
Funny story, A few weeks ago Mom put her house on the market so she could come and wreck my life (just kidding, I think) anyway..... I had told the realtor to please stay in touch with me as Mom has dementia and I have POA. The realtor did not always do this, and every time I reminded her she would tell me that "She seems pretty sharp to me" or she seems sharper than the rest of us etc......The realtor acted as if I were lying or up to something. The day we were closing on the house we were seated at a huge conference table in the attorney's office with the family purchasing the house, their realtor, the attorney, Mom's realtor, and myself. They are busy passing paper work around the table for all to see when I hear Mom say the word "fiber", the next thing I know she is on a long and loud tangent about her colon's history and the importance of her daily fiber. Giving everyone in the room advice on how to solve their colon problem. Her realtor had great difficulty getting her back on subject. While I was sad that mom previously so private was doing this. I couldn't help but stifle a laugh as the realtor got a peak at the person I tried to warn her about!
DonnaCG, Yeah--exactly! The moment Mom let down her guard, and flagrantly went into a flirtatious, drug-seeking mode while at the Dr's, was "that" moment for me ....sure wish OTHERS had realized what was going on. She kept Social Workers and hospital Shrink totally buffalo'd--her general "break point" never appeared until she'd been talking for over 2 hours....then shed retreat to her room to regroup. Once recovered, she could talk up a storm again, but less accurately, then needed a rest to recup a bit longer...] Her ability to buffalo, kept people thinking I was crazy, and that Mom was the sane one. She very effectively cut me from her herd...it only took her several decades to do it completely. I only wish I'd figured out her games far earlier in life. I look to Gma [her Mom] and wonder why she never told me more clearly--but my other Gma kinda explained it by describing Mom's Mom's lack of ability to properly describe things. It's complicated. Just be glad you are still getting a chuckle from it. Be clear with limit-setting under your roof; and be sure to take care of YOU first, or there is nothing left to care for anyone else.
Funny about the realtor, these people are just so ignorant, did they fall off a turnip truck? I would have winked at her and gave her a present of Metamucil instead of her fee.
Our mom is 87 years old. Her dementia is progressively getting worse as the months go by. We realized our Mom wasn't quite "normal" many .. Many years ago. Our Mom was never really able to be a "mom" long before she started showing signs of full blown dementia. She wasn't able to nurture any of us like most moms do. Our lives had to center around her or there was literally hell to pay! Now that the dementia is taking over she is like Jekyll and Hyde. One never knows from one day to the next who will be the subject of her verbal attacks or hostility. If she thinks something.. It then becomes reality to her. If you get up out of a chair in her presence.. It seems she has sat there mentally compiling a list of demands she wants done for her while you are up.. Get my sweater.. Check the birds food and water... I need my nails trimmed.. Is there coffee made? I could go on and on. When one sibling is there with her while the other one is out.. She bashes the other sibling to the one who is with her. This is nothing new to us.. This kind of thing started among us years ago.. With the dementia it's just getting worse. Because she is arthritic..she will not get up and down ..because she is stiff and it's somewhat difficult for her.. She then will sit and urinate on herself knowing that she wears adult diapers. This is just easier for her. She only gets up and heads to the bathroom when she has to have bowel movements. Unfortunately .. Sometimes she has waited to long to get up and loses it before she gets there. You can imagine the results of this! When you use plastic gloves when cleaning the mess up she gets indignation and says that she isn't contagious and resents it. She lives with my oldest sister and her husband. When anyone else tries to give my sister a break.. Mom will insist that you not do certain things stating that my oldest sister does this or that for her and will not allow you to do it. Mom recently fell and broke her hip. For a day she didn't complain or act any differently that she normally does. The next day she got up and was dressed. She waked out to her lounge chair and sat. She then told my sister that she needed to go to the hospital. She was asked if she could get to the car to go. She said no.. She didn't think so. An ambulance was then called. When the EMTs got there Mom proceeded to scream and cry saying she was in so much pain she couldn't stand it. Once at the hospital she told the nurses and doctor she wasn't in any pain at all. Everyday it's like you are a puppet dancing on strings that she pulls. You just have to take it a day at a time and pray to keep your own sanity to deal with it all!
Yep that is the way dementia is - let us thank heavens for this site that allows us to see what the reality is even when our loved ones do not see it. My Mother is finding it harder and harder to hold on to her image as time goes by. It does not take 10 minutes anymore of talking to her to realize she does not remember anythng more like 5 minutes now. As she ages the time shortens that she is able to fool people. Sad but in a way it has made things a little easier on me as I am not getting the crazy phone calls from family members when my Mother states something as fact that is just her confabulation. I feel that I was lucky in the fact that I worked at a memory care unit for 3 years so I knew what was in store for me. Does not make it any easier when it is your Mom however.
I pay a very good friend of mine to watch my MIL (Alzheimers) when I must leave the house. I've known this friend all my life and trust her completely. Anyway, when my BIL recently stopped by (unannounced)..........my MIL told him that my friend was mean and horrible. This is a flat out lie! He believed her lie and suggested that I hire someone else to stay with her." Arrrrgh!! He believes my MIL's lies. Of course, besides the fact that this makes me look bad............my friend is an angel and she does a great job. I trust her in my house. I don't want to hire someone else.
My MIL is rapidly declining.... but she can fool you if you stop by during an hour that she is "acting okay."
Oh yes! My mother in law can "pull her big girl panties up" and pass any test the doctor gives her. Even after I give him a three page letter outlining every bizarre thing she has done and even though she repeatedly shows up on the wrong day for her appointments after she passes his 'test' he will tell me that she is just fine. I want to slap the daylights out of him. She also fools out of town family members.
i WAS VERY RELIEVED TO HEAR FROM SOMEONE ELSE OUT THERE GOING THRU THE SAME THING! YOU MAY OR MAY NOT REALIZE HOW MANY PEOPLE NEVER HEARD OF SHOWTIMERS OR SUNDOWNERS. PEOPLE LOOK AND TREAT ME LIKE i:M THE CRAZY ONE, ITS SO FRUSTRATING!
That is why we come to this site, so we know we are not crazy. My Mother's showtimers is starting to fall apart. She cannot keep it together for hardly any length of time now - so it does change. Sad part is her former friends and family members no longer seek out her company because of personality changes so I am just stuck. I tune about 80 percent of it out.
They absolutely can and do! My mother drives me crazy, she does not want anyone to think or know something is wrong with her and she can come across like the most normal person in the world! She carries on light and somewhat funny conversations with doctors she likes and can be rude to the ones she does not like but she looks and sounds normal and sometimes gives the correct answers. If a doctor stays in the room long enough and asks the right questions however, they will eventually see that there is indeed a problem. She may repeat the same question 2 or 3 times or if they ask her certain questions she is unable to answer. She does everything within her power to be "NORMAL," and it use to make me upset because it felt like I looked like the person with a mental problem rather than her. A good doctor who stays in the room longer than 4 minutes will spot a person who is "show timing."
THANK YOU ALL! It’s extremely comforting to me to read the posts here. This one on "show timers" is especially helpful. My mom just turned 87 and dad is about to turn 91. Everyone they meet thinks they’re the cutest couple EVER and say things to me like "OMG, you're so lucky to have your mom and dad!" They are both still physically attractive for their age group, are very neat and clean about themselves, wear stylish, good quality clothes and shoes, laugh a lot in public and throw money around they don’t have. They both flirt outrageously with members of the opposite sex who are young enough to be their grandchildren. Dad will go to a doctor every now and then but doesn’t tell them the truth. He goes in and hams it up with all the receptionists - taking them expensive boxes of See's candy and telling them risque jokes. Mom won’t see a doctor unless she happens to land in the ER. When she gets within 10 feet of a fireman or a paramedic she perks right up – uses highly sexual language, telling them she’s thinking about becoming a cougar, etc. It’s mortifying! I can't tell mom and dad’s adoring fans the vile, hateful, asinine things they say to each other and to me when we're alone, the filthy looks I get if I dare not stay in my role as obedient, servile daughter, etc. Mom has zero short term memory and has begun accusing me of buying "MORE" handbags; they’re the same ones she's been looking at for months (plus I work full-time and make good money; it’s none of her business if I DID buy more). Last week she accused me of stealing a worthless cup and saucer from her. If looks could kill, I'd be fully decomposed already. AND I get to live next door to them - thank God for small favors and it’s not WITH them. But I'm so very, very tired of them behaving worse than Jerry Springer’s guests in private, treating me like a dim-witted 6 year old and then having others tell me how "cute" they are and how "sweet" it is that they've been married for 62 years. "Sweet" isn't the word they'd use if they saw this sick, abusive relationship up close and personal! Through another post here today I discovered NAMI and their meetings, Teepa Snow, etc. Again, I'm very grateful to all of you for the support - maybe one day I can start to see a bit of humor in all this; but it’s really just dawned on me in the last week to 10 days how bad things are – and that they will only get worse, not better. And that I have to be the one who does all the changing and adjusting. I want to run away SO BADLY!
Absolutely, they can make you feel like and idiot, because you are complaining about an issue and they seem absolutely fine! It can be embarrassing. You just hope and pray the doctors know what is going on REALLY!
@Marigold and others,Keep up the good work. Now since many phones have video recorders or cameras have some kind of video, record your Mother when she is having her tantrums of nastiness. Then share it with your other family. Now as for the Doctor, if you are her caregiver, you just call the Doctor's office ahead of her appointment and tell them that you wish to be in the Dr. meeting. Your reason want to make sure she is following the Dr's orders, as well as, share health information she may not be giving the Doctor. And if they forget you wanted to be in on the appointment, do go ahead and go into the room with her. In fact you might be surprised to find the Doctor appreciates the extra information. And your Mother might be, less aggressive since you are in front of the Doctor. I did this with my Mom, and it worked to both of our benefits. I found the Doctor really was not up to date on my Mother's Alzh, nor did he really want to have this type of Patient since he was GP Doctor. And I found another Doctor that was more in tune with her mental and physical health needs.
It is very nice to read stories here. My Mom is93 with demetia. My Mom would tell her stories (Sister lives about 4 states away) and my sister would believe them. Tell me and others my Mom was ok and had no problems. My Mom would tell people things about both of us that weren't true though. Now she's in a nursing home and they see me enough that they know the truth.
Mom was does really well with showtime until she is asked a question that requires some thinking. Then she will ramble off in another direction and avoid any kind of answer. She knows her birthdate and SS#, but ask her how to bake a cake and she will tell you her whole life story.
Wow, I remember when I first accepted this challenge to care for my mother, everyone thought I was crazy, exaggerating, lying, making up stuff etc. My mother would act like the world was coming to an end and as soon as someone else is around, abracadabra, shes a whole new person which often made me look bad or foolish in some way. It was so bad I started videotaping and capturing audio recordings for the doctors, family and friends who continued to doubt. That was 2 1/2 years ago and she is now on Donepezil and Namenda.
SOME-TIMERS There is nothing funny about Dementia or Alzheimer's but as Care Providers we all need a little levity, my mothers doctor's nurse had me on the floor when she said my mom has what doctors call "some-timers", that's when they are putting on a really good show for doctors, nurses and other outsiders and making the caregiver look like a lying fool. She only has Alzheimer's sometimes.... That helped me release a lot of frustration I guess because it came from a medical professional and I was all stressed out...
My family didn't believe me that mom had dementia/alzheimer's. My sister accused me of wanting to throw her in a home so I would not have to spend so much time with her and deal with her. I took her on a trip to visit and we all know what any break in routine does to people with alzheimer's. It took that for the family to realize. She tried to kick my brother out of his own house, didn't recognize my sister at all and tried to strip in front of my sister in law to show her a rash because she thought she was a Dr. Not funny I know but it did make me chuckle with an "I TOLD you so"
I love that there is a term for my mom, she is a "Showtimer". My mom has always wanted to be an actress and this is really the role of a lifetime she has played for the last 6 years. She's a cute little 89 year old lady to everyone else but me. I know she is an 89 year old that is really playing a charming 10 year old. I try to get in on the act and play the matriarchal role when needed but it doesn't fit in her old mind, she still sees me in the smaller, weaker childlike role I've always been in. I fell prey to her and her disease this time while she visited for Christmas like she has done for the last decade. She has progressed in this insidious disease though and I don't understand all the danger signals. I have no rights to her, she is a free agent, I never disputed this. But she doesn't know what she needs. She thinks she is "fine". She has been alone for 3 decades with no one to answer to, she has had to answer to me infrequently because I am her only child and I live over 2,000 miles away (I am her only scapegoat). So the day after Christmas she decided that since Christmas was over, she was going home. And when I told her she had a plane flight back home Jan. 3, that was not good enough. She hightailed it out the front door at 10 a.m. in the morning and made her way into a neighbor's home saying we had a falling out, we were holding her captive, we were leaving her all alone and we weren't feeding her, so please help her!-(I found this all out later) The neighbor's house she went to, the husband is a corrections officer for our city jail. Oh! he was valiant! When I went to tell him that she had Dementia, it didn't matter to him. She seemed "fine" to him. So he threw me down on his porch and held me down when I insisted I see and talk to her in his presence (I had no idea what she story she could be telling them at that point. I could get in trouble! I just wanted to make sure he understood that whatever she was saying was not true -- she just wanted to go home!). When the sheriff's officer came I told them she had Dementia. She answered him with her name, telephone and address. She seemed "fine" to him. It was me who wasn't "fine" my mom had said. She said that I "must be going through menopause or something!" I went through menopause 4 years ago, she doesn't remember even though we are very close and talked extensively about it at the time. She doesn't remember a lot, neither short term nor long term. Because I was still there when the sheriff's officers arrived, they asked me why, since the owner of the house asked me to leave? I wanted to talk to my mom in their presence I told them. They wouldn't let me. I had contacted my cousin to pick up my mom, it was a 3 hour drive for her. I told the officers that I just wanted to say goodbye to my mom. They wouldn't let me. They told me to go home. I told them I was assaulted by the owner of the house. They documented nothing. I went home. A day later I went to the Dr. with a 5 cm bruise on my back shoulder blade where the owner (corrections officer) threw me down (a side note: I am a 5'7" 140 lb. female. He is 230 lbs.) When I got home from the Dr. I had 2 officers at my door serving me with a "trespassing" arrest. I was not taken in but was left to my own recognizance until the hearing. It was 2 months of proving my case while worrying about my mom (she had ended up in the hospital from a fall where she hit her head a few days after getting home) and worrying about myself. I had ptsd but I am ok, THANK GOD. I write this for a warning to you all. And to tell you to continue to care and love them. And, oh yeah, try not to take it all personally...
Ok....so I'm not nuts...this is real! Omg...grandma acts like Scarlett O'hara.....to me....in front of docs, nurses etc...she has her game...only for a moment...Q & A she loses it every time. The lying, manipulating...the endlesssssssssssssss Wants! We have to emotionally disconnect....to stay sane & to care compassionately.
My mother makes us late on purpose so that she makes the grand entrance. I get the comments and glares as I should know better. Did I tell you that we start hours in advance and it doesn't matter, she will sabotage the appointment so I blast across town, pedal to the metal. Also, she will walk super slow but let it appear that a car will not stop for her and she is out of the road in a jiffy. Sick of being played like a fiddle.
My mother (92) also had her doctors fooled for a while, until my brother came to visit and went to an appointment with her. Mom denied anything was wrong, but when we explained that we were worried about her, because her meds were scattered over the kitchen, along with overdue bills, magazines, and junk mail. She blew up at us, and the doctor calmly asked if she used to do this years ago.... she ended up getting a referral to a neurologist ... and now she calls me up and says her doctor thinks she's a psychiatric patient (she won't use the term dementia) and he's crazy. Thank God for this site.
Hi Wondergirl. Sorry you're going through this too. Yep...GM does this too. She will not tell anyone she is seeing a psychiatrist. Thank God we have had a psychiatrist on board for the last month. Without her, GM would not be living with us. Meds help however it does not change the mean, hatefulness & spitefulness she whips at me. Had her to a neurologist a month ago & he said hers is more psychiatric than Dementia. She plays like she does not know what she is doing to justify her behavior. I have a real actress on my hands who would have one an academy award. Yes she has issues, however there is clarity & she chooses to be mean, hateful & nasty to me. I have her in Elder Day 5 days a week now hoping that would take some wind out of her sails (she is 94). Not yet....she gets her 2nd wind & lookout! My hubby recently installed security cameras by front door & hallway to monitor the activity. Thank God for all those who share....I didn't know what showtiming was until I read it here first! lol....I explained to her doc what she does & he said he didn't want to hear about the power trips....however psychiatrist told her last week that her world is about to get worse if she does not be nice & kind. Yep...I have finally hit my limit. After 5 months of the princess act....I am done. I am only the granddaughter-in-law. I am not the door mat for this manipulative woman. I have taken care of her 3 years now. She has been living with us since November & it has been hell from day one. If the 5 days a week of Elder Care does not work...she is off to a facility. GM plays Scarlett & when she doesn't get her way...she is mean, hateful, self-harming & not to mention, she deliberately crapped on the floor as a thank you for finally calling a home aid to come in & shower her after 2 months of no shower...my thank you gift! lol No...IT WAS NO ACCIDENT!
My mother had everyone believing that I "threw her on the floor and stole her pain medication." Her friends at the senior apt. complex contacted the doctor's office for more pain meds and (as health care personnel have to) the nurse reported the "incident" to Adult Protective Services!! All this unknown to me. The Social Worker came twice to visit my mom for a statement but could immediately tell she had dementia. Funny, I was never contacted. When I did find out, I was shocked. I called APS and asked why I was never alerted. They said that they could tell she was not in her "right mind". Everyone at the apt. complex believed her however and I was met with dirty looks whenever I came in. She believed the story for many weeks until one day she "forgot" it and was mortified that I was saying she spoke that way. I wound up moving her out of there into a memory care facility within 4 months. I'm her only child and no one else is available to assist her. She doesn't remember anything about this wild and untrue story. She was mean and nasty to me at that time but has since calmed down and, as she says, is just waiting to die.
Funny story, A few weeks ago Mom put her house on the market so she could come and wreck my life (just kidding, I think) anyway..... I had told the realtor to please stay in touch with me as Mom has dementia and I have POA. The realtor did not always do this, and every time I reminded her she would tell me that "She seems pretty sharp to me" or she seems sharper than the rest of us etc......The realtor acted as if I were lying or up to something. The day we were closing on the house we were seated at a huge conference table in the attorney's office with the family purchasing the house, their realtor, the attorney, Mom's realtor, and myself. They are busy passing paper work around the table for all to see when I hear Mom say the word "fiber", the next thing I know she is on a long and loud tangent about her colon's history and the importance of her daily fiber. Giving everyone in the room advice on how to solve their colon problem. Her realtor had great difficulty getting her back on subject. While I was sad that mom previously so private was doing this. I couldn't help but stifle a laugh as the realtor got a peak at the person I tried to warn her about!
Yeah--exactly!
The moment Mom let down her guard, and flagrantly went into a flirtatious, drug-seeking mode while at the Dr's, was "that" moment for me
....sure wish OTHERS had realized what was going on.
She kept Social Workers and hospital Shrink totally buffalo'd--her general "break point" never appeared until she'd been talking for over 2 hours....then shed retreat to her room to regroup. Once recovered, she could talk up a storm again, but less accurately, then needed a rest to recup a bit longer...]
Her ability to buffalo, kept people thinking I was crazy, and that Mom was the sane one.
She very effectively cut me from her herd...it only took her several decades to do it completely. I only wish I'd figured out her games far earlier in life.
I look to Gma [her Mom] and wonder why she never told me more clearly--but my other Gma kinda explained it by describing Mom's Mom's lack of ability to properly describe things. It's complicated.
Just be glad you are still getting a chuckle from it.
Be clear with limit-setting under your roof; and be sure to take care of YOU first, or there is nothing left to care for anyone else.
My MIL is rapidly declining.... but she can fool you if you stop by during an hour that she is "acting okay."
Now as for the Doctor, if you are her caregiver, you just call the Doctor's office ahead of her appointment and tell them that you wish to be in the Dr. meeting. Your reason want to make sure she is following the Dr's orders, as well as, share health information she may not be giving the Doctor. And if they forget you wanted to be in on the appointment, do go ahead and go into the room with her. In fact you might be surprised to find the Doctor appreciates the extra information. And your Mother might be, less aggressive since you are in front of the Doctor. I did this with my Mom, and it worked to both of our benefits. I found the Doctor really was not up to date on my Mother's Alzh, nor did he really want to have this type of Patient since he was GP Doctor. And I found another Doctor that was more in tune with her mental and physical health needs.
There is nothing funny about Dementia or Alzheimer's but as Care Providers we all need a little levity, my mothers doctor's nurse had me on the floor when she said my mom has what doctors call "some-timers", that's when they are putting on a really good show for doctors, nurses and other outsiders and making the caregiver look like a lying fool. She only has Alzheimer's sometimes.... That helped me release a lot of frustration I guess because it came from a medical professional and I was all stressed out...
I wound up moving her out of there into a memory care facility within 4 months. I'm her only child and no one else is available to assist her. She doesn't remember anything about this wild and untrue story. She was mean and nasty to me at that time but has since calmed down and, as she says, is just waiting to die.