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In the year and a half since my mother moved in ( me perfectly healthy before ) I now have stomach issues, high blood pressure, I lose more hair by the hour and gain new wrinkles and darker circles under my eyes every day. That's in a year and a half. Its scary when I look in the mirror, I don't recognize that person any more......
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Goliath was the bad girant of a dude who little David slew with a sling shot and a stone. I think you were thinking of Samson who unfortunately was defeated by his wife who cut his hair.

I think many caregivers feel like a little David up against the Goliath giant and wonder if their slingshot will be enough to deal with things.

Others, I am afraid let someone act like Samson's wife and cut out the source of their strength and such deadly strikes do come from people who are very close to us in life that we trust and they more than let us down by leading to our own downfall.
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to yesandno
good response. I esp. agree with the comment about modern medicine keeping peo ple going when even they are tired and have make peace with the inevitable. We need to be supportive and as you said, do what we can to help them while taking care of ourselves.
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From reading the answers to this difficult question, and from my own experience, I can chime in and say that if the task is beyond your strength, it just is, and if at all possible to access the use of a decent NH, it's time. It's good to research for the best you possible you can access, of course, and one of the commenters noted that under certain circumstances there can be overnight visits to relatives when the health and wellbeing of all concerned allows. At least in a NH the caregivers work in shifts and can assist 24 hours a day. It's not possible to be a 24 hour 7 day a week caregiver and do a good job, and also maintain your own health without breaking down. Visiting on a regular basis to make sure all is ok is likely necessary, as those who have someone showing that level of concern and even supervision will get better care, that's it's only human nature. If the person is difficult then that interaction can be mostly with the doctors and support staff. It's important at a certain point when it's clear that this is a long term issue that is destroying your own health, that you seek assistance. Sometimes modern medicine keeps the body going long after it would normally wind down and give an easier and quicker release. Will there be anyone to take care of you when the time comes, and are you hastening the day that will come by neglecting your own health? Obviously we all as a society need to improve the NHs and other senior and chronic illness facilities to make them as good as they can be, as it's an issue that will touch almost everyone. In the meantime, we all have a primary responsibility to take care of ourselves so we in turn don't become a burden on others or society if it can be prevented. Not everyone is a Goliath of strength, you can only do what you can do and no more.
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Now that I think about it, not only trying to help my parents is stressful but there is just as much stress with my sig other regarding helping my parents.

Oh sig other claims he is here to help me. Like the other day he took my parents to the hearing aid place. As soon as they all get to the office, he texts me that my Dad messed up his pants. I am thinking I am at work, what am I suppose to do about that??? Then more texts with more complaints about this and that. I don't need that stress at work. He has zero patience with my parents.

I believe it's his silly little game where if he complains enough, then I will tell him not to help me out any more. He does that with the household chores by messing it up so badly so I won't ask him to help out again. I know that game that some learn at an early age.... so clever... NOT.
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Jellylava, my sincere condolences on the death of your father. The finality of it all is a jolt to the system, isn't it, even when the person is old and we are expecting it. My dad died August 23rd; the first anniversary will be coming up very soon. I can't believe how fast the time has flown.

It is not surprising that you are facing emotional and medical issues from meeting the demanding needs of your mother while watching your father become ill while struggling with long term care giving. It's like being pulled in two different directions, isn't it? I felt that just before dad died. As mom's Alzheimer's and physical constitution/mobility got worse, I had to juggle between staying home with her and going to visit dad in the nursing home (a good one and a half hour trip one way). On the few occasions that mom came in to visit dad towards the end, she would be very disruptive and, having no filter whatsoever, would say things like "He'd be better off dead" or "I hope I die before I end up in a nursing home" while dad was lying right there in the bed. The night before he died, she kept calling his room, which made him jump because the volume was so loud, and was belligerent and angry with me, asking why I didn't tell her I was going to see him and when am I coming home. I know she's ill but I was starting to grieve for dad, and I was angry with her for interrupting those last few hours I had to spend with him.

How did the funeral arrangements go? Are you getting counselling or other types of support?

Take care of yourself.

Were your parents involuntarily separated because of having to go into a rehab centre or other home? That's what happened to my parents. It is so heart wrenching, isn't it? Married but living apart. In addition to the Alzheimer's, that involuntary separation for 10 years or more has been making it difficult for mom to grasp the reality of dad's death. She has to keep asking for confirmation that he is. We did see dad's body when he died, but she has not taken down the extra single bed in her room yet, and she often goes into the room and thinks he's out for the day and lying down. Despite the often turbulent and unhappy marriage, she keeps saying how she misses him terribly now. She also says she keeps seeing him.
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Jellylava I am so sorry for your loss.

My Mom passed in early May. I've found that I can postpone my little sessions of grief during the day when I have to do things. But I give myself little moments to just reflect and think of my Mom. I also wanted to withdraw but unfortunately life won't always let you do that.
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My dad just died last Thursday at the age of 95. I am sure that his life was shortened by the stress of coping with my mother (91) even though they both claimed that they had a very happy marriage of 73 years. Due to my mother's hospitalisation and then a transfer to a rehab he saw her again 3 or 4 times in the 6 days he too was located in the same facility for 6 days. They felt great joy, hugged and kissed with many declarations of love when they first greeted each other.It brought tears to my eyes as they were just like young lovers who had been apart.
My stress and difficulty with my mother has resulted in many minor physical problems and major emotional ones but as in my father's case, caring for a demanding disabled person is extremely draining on a person's ability to sustain their immune system in good condition. It was lung cancer that took him in the end but a healthy body might have been able to fight it. It was only a few short weeks from the cancer's discovery to his death. I feel like withdrawing so that I can grieve for him but I have to continue to visit my mother, comfort her in her grief, as well as sorting out the finances and trying to sell their home so that money will be available to provide for her continued care. I wonder how long all that will take and how well I will be at the end of it all!
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Marymember, understandable why you don't want to move. Also, in terms of stress levels, moving right up there with death of a loved one. That would not do your breast cancer any good.

Re, the relationship of cancer to Alzheimer's, good question. I'm wondering, also, if you have 30 acres, is that farm land or are there any farms nearby? Is there pesticide use? They contain both neurotoxins and carcinogens. Maybe all that fresh air isn't all that fresh.
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Since my husband has been diagnosed with Alzheimers I have had breast cancer. How is breast cancer related to Alzheimers? My stress level is very high, and I hope the cancer cells don't land me with cancer somewhere else in my body. My husband paces a lot, but he isn't angry nor mean. But now I have the stress of keeping up with everything. We live on almost 30 acres. I don't want to move. Two of our children live nearby, and they are absolutely wonderful, caring, generous, and loving. But I don't want them to be burdoned as they have their families, too. It should be awhile before my husband gets to the point of nursing care...I don't want to move..not yet...marymember
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I don't need money, but on the other hand i wouldn't turn it down. I give my mother dinner every night unless I'm away. My mother has never even offered to help pay for any of our groceries. In the 4 years of feeding her it's been quite a bit extra on our food bills.
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Sstigmama1 you are right on about the financial help. I don't understand why family caregivers - and their LO's - get penalized for financial help. Especially when often the money 'given, paid' however you label it, is much less than if they are in a NH on public aid. Of course people should pay for their care if they can in a commercial setting. No responsible person really wants a free ride. But before then, it is their money to use as they want. Can someone explain the why's to this?
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I'm glad I'm not alone in sneaking out of my house. It sounds funny doing this at 54 to run to a store and not being 17 and sneaking out to be with friends and smoke cigs. Gershun, i too feel a special bond when i see caregivers. My siblings have abandoned me and mom. I don't know how they live with themselves. Bast1965, I think the government has to step up to help us caregivers and make it easier for us to get help or some monetary income.
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Oh, my! Love the mental picture of all of us seniors still sneaking out like teenagers, trying not to get caught by our parents! If only the reasons were the same now as then we'd be having more fun! Bless you all. Thanks for the chuckle that has given me.
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Yes, if I knew six years ago what I know now, I would have taken more drastic action to FORCE the Carer Support Agencies in South Australia to give me more support - and have mum forcibly admitted to an Aged Care Facility --- so that I could have looked after my own medical issues much better than I did --- and not had the stress which my doctors admit has caused my neurofibroatosis tumors and eczema to flare up out of control. I wish I did something really stupid, not bad, just stupid ---just enough to get myself into trouble with the police --- just so that I could have got the attention and help and support I needed. Too late now, but I hope other people reading this will learn from my mistakes so that they don't end up seriously ill --- especially given that most of you here on this forum are elderly yourself --- or impaired in some way like me.
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I think I have emotional scars from care giving. Some good, some bad.

The good ones are I am more empathetic to elderly people's needs. I view them in a whole different light. When I'm out and see an elderly person being wheeled somewhere with what is probably their daughter and son in tow I find myself smiling at the care giver. They don't know me but I think they can see it in my face that I understand.

The bad is that I now know how selfish my siblings are. I used to always feel less than them cause they have their big careers, vacations etc. Now I just look at them and think "where did this selfish attitude come from" You claim you loved Mom. Well actions speak louder than words.

They all thanked me for keeping up the vigil by my Mom's bed when she was dying in hospital. Instead of thanking me they should of pulled up a chair and joined me.
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ssigmamam, my parents live down the street from me but they can't see my house from theirs.... there are times where I will drive out of the subdivision taking the long way to get to the exit so I don't drive by my parents house :P
Heavens if Dad is out front doing yard work.
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Yes, GGsGirl, for me the most stressful and emotionally draining factors are the frequent interruptions, repetitive questioning and story telling, as well as mom's desire to keep me from going out so she won't be so lonely, and the anger when I do go out (even if it's for something she demands).
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GGsGirl, well said. If i knew how hard this was going to be i don't know if I'd have taken it on. And you're right about tge minute details of tge caregiving. I live bext doir to my mom, one day she saw my car gone and when i got back she called and asked where i was. I said i ran to the store for something. She told me to call her anytime im going out incase she needs something. Its a horrible feeling ti know i can't leave my house without checking with her first. I do all of her shopoing, banking, hairdresser appts and doctors. There are times when i know she's stocked up and i sneak out.lol
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Sstigmama1 I don't think anyone who has not been a caregiver could understand what you said about the work - even out of love - being draining. Especially when the parent (other LO) is with you 24/7. It is not just the extra demands of caregiving, but also the minute stresses encountered day-to-day. The explaining yourself of what/why you are doing something, where you are going (even if NOT going anywhere you have to comment/reassure), repetitions - stories & questions, and often not being able to maintain your own schedules. And even if you are out and away, it is usually an errand for their needs (and yours, too, but...). I can't just walk into the bathroom to use the toilet without checking for dribbles first. That is automatic now, but draining. (No pun intended - Lol). I am only 65 (almost) and looking forward to a senior living situation (my own apartment preferably!). Both my children know how I feel about not having them care for me - even sharing an in-law apartment in their house is not what I want for them. They have their own lives to live - free and unencumbered. I may have made a different choice two years ago when I had my mother move in with me had I known I was going to have my own major health issues by now. Neither my dad nor she had their elderly mothers with them; both were in NHs. So many of us are blindsided by this. I wish this information and site had been on my radar beforehand. Hindsight. Sigh.
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I already told my kids if i live long enough after caretaking to put me in a nice senior home. I don't want to put my kids go through what I've been through. I love my mom, but this work is draining.
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The only disability I will suffer from my care giving of my partner will be a broken heart. This gift of care giving one you love is that - a last gift. Falling asleep on the couch in between his conscious moments, trying to hold yourself up as you say good bye to a life that was so beautiful and will be no more. This is not for the faint hearted. I am 73 and I WILL complete this work. I pray someone who loves me is with me in the end.
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I really have to say I think I am in better physical shape now than I have been in years. I know my situation may be unique, but my mom mostly dwells in her own little world and also doesn't get around on her own, so I can just put her to bed (her preferred spot) or in a chair with some music and I know she is content and I don't have to worry about her getting up and falling. This has given me tons of free time to exercise, which is also a great way to work off the stress of being under house arrest. I do a lot of eating from stress and boredom, but so far that hasn't caught up with me.
I can see that injuries from lifting could cause problems, I can understand mental health problems for some, but I'm not sure you can really blame caregiving for causing cancer, heart disease or other such conditions. A lot of us are in our middle years or older where those kinds of things just seem to strike us, caregiver or not. For sure stress can exacerbate problems, and if you neglect your own wellness checkups you may miss the early signs of disease, but I think it is really a chicken and egg kind of thing.
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My parents [mid 90's] have saved for these "rainy days" but refuse to part with one dime for yard work or cleaning. They can easily afford it. Guess it is pride.

Heck, pride hasn't stopped me from calling someone to come to my own house to pull up weeds, place mulch, and trim the landscaping.... it wasn't cheap, but boy it looks so good, make ME feel better. At least no one will find me toppled over into a hedge out of exhaustion doing it myself.

My next step is to look into hiring a cleaning crew for my own house as I just can't do it all anymore. I believe my life has been shorten because of all the worries regarding my parents, so if that is the case, I don't want to spend that time doing cleaning :P

Thus, any time Dad calls asking for me to come over for yard work, I just give him the telephone number of "my landscape guy". And, no Dad, paying someone doesn't mean I now have more free time, it means I am past the age of being able to do it myself.
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Sad but true, lots of people think adult children should be legally forced to give up their jobs and ruin their health and shorten their lives to care for elderly demented parents. In some countries, you get sent to jail if you refuse to single-handedly care, alone, for a demented parent. This is very bad and unfair - the parents had their lives but the adult children don't have the same rights
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Diane21 sorry for the time it has taken me to reply. Sounds like assisted living was not equipped to give your dad the level of care he needed.
My facility does not do assisted living but we do care that goes all the way up to subacute. We have a long term care unit where residents who need the kind of care your father needed are placed. Some need even more care and treatment , but are otherwise stable. If they develop a UTI , or such, they are diagnosed and treated as their MD has perscribed. We have residents on long term care from minimal to extensive exist.
I would suggest you question a facility on the level of care they can give your loved one if they needed
more help in dressing, eating or more medical interventions and care. In this way you can choose the best fit for your loved ones's needs.
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shebusynow...just one week and already your health was affected, that's awful, bless you and I hope you are better now. We do understand and you are doing the right thing by being pro-active and finding a place for your momma.
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Freqflyer, i would never pick this job as a career. They could never pay me enough. The people who don't have to do caregiving have no clue as to how hard it really is. Physically and emotionally it's quite draining. I have 2 sisters one who works full time and one who doesn't work. Both live 35min drive away. They think it's 200 miles away to hear them tell it. They also give me the old " well you moved mom next to you " I moved her here because I was working part time and traveling twice a week 45 mins drive to help my mom when they wouldn't. It's a thankless job and we don't get paid to do it. I had to quit my part time job between my illnesses and my mom's. Even when i do get a break i worry about my mom. So it's really never out of my head.
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Chimonger, I agree with a lot of what you had written.

Plus, think about it, if one of us were walking down the street and saw a "Help Wanted Caregiver" sign in someone's home window, how many of us would jump at the chance to do that type of work. My gosh, can't wait to work 12 to 24 hours straight with no breaks. Plus I have had zero training, what better !!

I had to keep repeating to myself "I am too old to do that", and that was one of THE best advice I had received on this forum [among many]. And by george, I am sticking with that. I remember one time taking my parents to their doctor, Dad with his cane, Mom with her cane, and me with my cane. What is wrong with this picture? Yet society thinks I should do more.

Never in my life have I felt so exhausted. And I don't do hands-on care, only logistics. How in the world do people do 168 hours per week hands-on?
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During those awful years of coping alone with my widowed mother's dementia --- I did reach out to the appropriate agencies for help but they refused to offer any assistance --- just because mum lived next door to me and I am on the disability support pension --- argument being --- because I have a disability and on the pension, I have plenty of time with nothing to do. THe family doctor refused to do anything about it. Many so called friends said I was obliged to care alone for my mother, argument being, it is easy looking after someone with dementia.
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