Certainly happened to me - because I neglected my own medical check-ups - my neurofibromatosis tumours in my spine have become inoperable and I am permanently on a walking frame - and I am only fifty.
The saddest story I have heard was on talkback radio one night a few years ago - a 77 year old daughter was FORCED to be sole carer to her 97 year old mother with severe dementia. Because the selfish mother wanted help from no one but the daughter, the daughter was legally compelled to care for her mother - in spite of the fact she was disabled - and elderly - herself. The time came when the 77 year old daughter needed life-saving surgery - but she was not allowed to have the surgery as it would have meant her mother would have died because of being unable to look after herself - and unwilling to accept outside help.
I personally know a lady somewhere between 60 and 70 about ten or so years ago who was forced to be sole carer to a very elderly mother who very selfishly refused outside help - so this poor daughter was forced, for ten years, to be sole carer to her severely demented mother who was also extremely violent. Finally, the mother died and the daughter finally had her freedom to have her own life and start seeking employment. She got voluntary work. But alas, she got breast cancer and died. The breast cancer was caused by all those ten years of stress.
BTW, I suffered intense stress and abuse from 2002 to late 2014 --- first abuse from my late father who got severe dementia --- and then my mother who got severe dementia after dad died --- my doctors blame that for my now severe neurofibromatosis and eczema.
Unfortunately, as I type this my Mother passed peacefully in her sleep on Monday. While things will slow down now, I will miss her. Well already miss her because my brain keeps telling me do this, call now, go get, etc. I know you all can relate. You hang in there. Make sure you "find" time for yourself no matter what.
We all have to make our own decisions. I appreciate hearing the comment that caring for an elderly parent isn't the same as what our parents did for us as babies. Children have a more promising future and caring for aging parents can depressing. I have to remind myself. I am just trying to make "happy memories" for myself and my kids while my mother is here on this earth and it does make you think about your own "end of life decisions". I try to continue to keep my focus as we go through this process.
I have heard many saying that if we feel that we are being FORCED to be a caregiver - it is our own guilt working on us. But many of us have worked through this issue and found that our "guilt" is the result of selfish and abusive parents. I have experienced it both ways....... what type of parents do we hope to be to the next generation? I have tried to shelter my kids from the "job" I do as my mother's caregiver but I am afraid it is a legacy I need help not to perpetuate.
Bless you all and bless those we care for.......bless the people at the facilities who are paid to do what we are doing for "free". I am afraid there are no easy answers to this question. Caring for yourself has to be your top priority! Minor things like losing sleep and major things like broken backs and stress. If you have every sat through the emergency demonstration on a commercial airplane just before take off, you know. You must put the oxygen mask on yourself before assisting small children and seniors. If you don't take care of that first, everyone dies. Sorry to be so dramatic but some of us forget this simple fact.
BTW, not to preach but if you look at the Psalms there are plenty of places where anger is expressed to God. God can handle your anger and knows it there already. So, got ahead and unload it like the Psalmists did. .
I cannot be a carbon copy of my Mom nor my Dad and how they do things. Example, my parents use to go grocery shopping every other day hitting 2 or 3 stores on that day. Not me, it's once a week, one store... now I use an on-line grocery service. I still get grumbling about that. Then I would say "if you would have moved to that retirement village last year, you could grocery shop daily".
At least that makes me feel like I have control.... with a sprinkling of guilt on top.
Soon after she passed away, my father had several strokes and now has vascular dementia and is so incredibly mean and hateful to me and his remaining sibling that we can no longer go near him. He is terrible to us, but pretty good around other people. He is in his 90's now and his doctor has allowed him to drive which is still another stress! I keep getting told that he is on the bubble -- not bad enough to go to a nursing facility but not good enough to remain home without help. I think he should be in assisted living.
Anyhow, I was pretty healthy, but the continued stress of all of this caregiving has affected me immensely and I now have developed Type II Diabetes at age 57 despite maintaining healthy eating and weight. Thank goodness for our local Office of Aging. They are a Godsend.
I couldn't have said it better. For years we tried to get my mother to make decisions about her future (move to asst living, put some of her assets in my sister's name etc)
but she would not. Now after several bouts in the hospital where it became apparent she could not continue to live on her own, she had to go to subacute rehab and stayed at the facility in a skilled nursing bed. She, despite our efforts, would not plan for the future and for a time when she would need more help. she would not follow recommendations from her primary doctor about following up with consultants for some medical problems and now these problems have caused her to be in a situation where she is not a candidate for the proper intervention due to her age and advancement of the diseases. Now her anger at being in the facility is directed at us. Perhaps if she had made a plan, she would feel less anger.She might have felt that she had some say in what would happen instead of us having to make this decision for her. The outcome may have been the same, that is, she may have ended up in the skilled nursing facility anyway but she could have felt that she tried other options (her own) first.. You cannot take on the burden as your own. Nor can you blame them for what has happened. Each one of us is responsible for the consequences of our actions. It is unfortunate that my mom would not accept our suggestions for planning for her future and tried a few things before we had to make the decision for her. I agree that assertiveness training may be a good thing not just for dealing with parents but also just for daily living.
My siblings and I cannot sort out all of her problems- we do what we can for her. And I know the guilt is there but really, if you are doing all you can and communicate this to your parent, you have nothing to feel guilty about. That is easier said than done. I know.
THat is the very reason why i turned my back on God - he tortured me all my life with multiple disabilities, abusive parents who tried to maim me for life - and then magically and supernaturally arranged the circumstances that i was forced to endure twelve years of coping, alone, with my parents' dementia - dad died in 2005, but God continued to magically and supernaturally arrange the circumstances that I had to cope alone with mum's dementia until mid 2014 when I, out of desperation, rebelled against God by praying to the devil for help. I then threatened the family doctor with legal action - and the rest is history. If only I had done it sooner - my own health would never have degenerated to the exstent it did with all the tumours on my spine getting worse - leaving me unable to walk or care for myself properly.