Has anyone here ended up with permanent disability/illness as a result of being forced to care for elderly parents?

Fancy404,

I read from your profile that you're in your 40ties and your mother has general age related issues, plus you have your own business. If you were born when she was in her 20ties, then she's not all that old.

Save yourself from someone who will never change into the loving parent that they never were, plus thinking that you will be the exception to this by sacrificing enough.

Either leave with what you have of your life, get her out of your house so that you can leave or if you are too emotionally enslaved by her blackmail then stay, but whichever, it's your choice. I'm an only child and I understand that dynamic makes it worse and being a God fearing person can easily be manipulated by a narcissistic parent into making us feel we are not honoring our parent by moving on with our own life in response to their emotional abuse.

Doing so is not dishonoring a parent, It is honoring yourself as a separate human being who is just as valuable in the eyes of God as she is and does not find her abusive behavior of you pleasing at all.

Get yourself a therapist, dam the torpedoes of fear, obligation and guilt which are the tools of emotional blackmail which some like to call F.O.G. and take no prisoners while you escape from hell. Make it so. Or the emotional womb that you are in will become your tomb!

I feel compelled to respond to comments here on the stresses of caregiving. First of all I must say that I hope you all know we a re not legally bound to take care of a parent nor responsible for their bills. So you really can let it and them go for your healths sake. But in my case it is my husband who had alzheimers and I am rezponsible for his bills and expenses but I guess not to take care of him physically. But to not take phy s ical care of him I would need to turn over all our monies to apoverty level and that would leave me d e dependent on my children and putting them in my position. I don't think I should that so I really do feel stuck. It is frightening to think of the future. Sometimes I think we should just take the money we have now and go on an extended vacation until we cannot support ourselves and then call it a day. I would happily take my sleeping pills and whatever else is necessary to just go to sleep for the last time. The two of us without burdoning our kids and without being so old and infirm that we no longer can make our own choices.

Caregiving is definitely a full time job! Lack of sleep, Anxiety, Depression, and weight gain is definitely an issue for me. I recently fell off a step at his house and broke my foot, then 4 weeks later I went to catch my father from falling, and he put his weight back on my foot and I'm back wearing the boot cast again. It is never a dull day. I send my prayers and hugs to all of you caregivers, it is a hard and stressful position to be in.

Joyful. It is difficult to be "nice" all the time when we have the stress of this job. In addition, NOT SO NICE relatives that are eager to get what is coming to them. To the point that they have not helped me once, but just want to know (over the phone) how he is doing. And, call us when he passes. The locksmith came yesterday and changed all the locks. My girlfriend was also not the MOTHER of the children. She went away for a few days after her husband died. She came home and everything was gone. That hurt as she cared for him. Fortunately for her and unfortunately for them, she had everything in writing and they had to back off. I don't think she ever got the furniture back. So sad. Greed is an awful thing.

I was struck with Psoriatic arthritis triggered by the stress- care for parents started in the 1990s

Loretta, hang in there. I too felt the same way when my husband died 8 years ago. But, after a year, I met the most wonderful man and have had a relaxed partnership with my friend now for 7 years. There is a life after death of a loved one. I know. I too do not wish to burden my children. They are begging me to move in with them when my Partner passes. I told them I would if they bought a house with a guest house. My son said they will. I don't want my kids to do what I am having to do AGAIN. But, it is part of life.

As a person who has heard stories of family caregivers for ten years, yes, too many report medical conditions that got out of hand because the caregiver did not take care of herself. Maybe she is too exhausted to add "take care of self" to her list. But she must, even if it means being less perfect at some of her care-providing tasks. The person being cared for does not always deserve the final say about who is going to care for them 24/7. They may get mad, but what is best for them is a team of people (2 to 10 plus the doctor) who have the health, patience and knowledge to provide a good mix of care. You have proved to yourself that being the sole caregiver wasn't best for your parents or you. OK, we learn some life lessons the hard way.

I've concluded that the only way to have a life after someone dies is to have a life before they die. It is so extremely sad to hear some say that they are totally lost in life which no longer has any meaning of purpose because the person who was their entire life died. That's not life, that's slavery and when the slaves were freed, they were lost because they had never been free.

Yes, stress from caregiving has fueled my arthritis. I was fully capable of taking care of my elderly mother (now 88, short term memory loss and other illnesses, but functional & mobil with a walker) when she moved in with me two years ago. My RA (diagnosed 25 years ago) was in remission, and I was easy going and optimistic. Now I am in pain from two shot knees & bad hip - OA + RA - and have gone from using a cane this past winter to needing a walker in a very short time. My personality has changed for the worse. I miss my old self.

I don't think we caregivers intend to put our needs last - it just happens. Things come up unexpectedly that require immediate attention (eg.: uncontrolled nosebleed with trip to ER) that disrupt your plans. And when you have your own health issues, getting normal chores done take longer and more energy, so time gets eaten, you rest when you can, and before you know it you're way past your own health check-ups. Whats' one more year? Ugh!

And not everyone has the resources for outside care, or are in a position to place their loved one in a NH. Situations vary greatly, so a little compassion for those in tough places. Hugs to all you caregivers out there!

Dear Bast, yes. I am noticing that more and more with care givers of all types, for parents, spouses, "adult children". I have one friend under 50 who had a heart attack, has diabetes, has put on 30 in about 5 years while working a physical full time job. This is all after a long duration of doing most of the work and picking up all the slack from a "child like" irresponsible husband, (now divorced thankfully), but now she's dealing with his spawn by herself, in adult form. The can't hold jobs, have depression, they do drugs, fight amongst themselves at her house while she's at work-sometimes needed police to break up the fight. They move in and out of her house all the time in between quitting jobs, ...

Had another friend who put up with her AWFUL MIL in her basement, dementia, incontinent, combative, while she worked full time. After she was moved to care facility, here came her husband's adult daughter moving in, after a divorce. "Depressed", messing the place, needing money, wouldn't work, constant drama, etc. I say, "had" another friend because she got cancer and is now gone.

Third friend ended up with wrecked adrenal glands, immune system disease, bad neck and back from getting stuck with an impulsive hyperactive husband. Boinging off the walls, wanting to buy stuff all day and night long, messing house, secretly charging nonsense purchases on home equity line of credit on the house she was trying to get paid off. Between dealing with that, full time job, having to do his chores too, (lawn etc), fix what he'd broken damaged around the house, clean up his messes, pour over and try and fix the finances, I never saw her sit down from 5:30 am to midnight on any given day. No wonder she is sick, I'm surprised it isn't worse.

I don't know how or why people end up in that boat, or what the answer is. I think a lot of people in the age range I am talking about were brought up that you stick with your family through whatever they need no matter what. Especially a spouse. But then have to question how moral the ones that would put them in that position are, ...if morality causes the "debt", why does it not work both ways?

I like what Freqflyer said about what if something happens to you? I asked my now deceased friend that question, and told her that if they killed her, they'd move on to someone else, (and they did). Maybe in some instances we have to say I can't, and, I WON'T, and stick to it. (?)

I have never heard of someone being legally FORCED to be the sole caregiver for their parent. In what sate? Under what law?

A case of shingles that flares every once in awhile... I learned after 6 months that I was important also. Mother has severe dementia, bipolar, borderline personality disorder and narcissism. As the only child when Dad passed away her care fell to me. Thought I could handle it. After 6 months I knew my stint as her caregiver needed to end. Moved Mother into Assisted Living. Even then for 2 more years was there constantly. Finally had to back away and only visit once a month. Haven't had a shingles flare in almost a year! Caregivers - please remember to take care of yourself too! Also remember - there is help out there and you DO NOT HAVE to be the sole caregiver for anyone! Best wishes on your journey!

VickiRuff,

They are not legally forced. They are emotionally groomed by the parent for this and sometimes even use one the ten commandments God's law, to enforce their FOGy hold on an adult child via Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

I have had my mother for 2 years now. She has Alzheimer's but not real bad. I'm lucky to have a caring husband but my sister and niece refuse to help. I have always been a very healthy person, not even a cold or flu for 20 some years however I now have extremely high Blood Pressure. I found out a few months ago and they have been trying to get it straightened out the last few months, between arguing with my sister and niece over really stupid things it was reaching 193/102 and I even woke one morning to find it to be 207/102 and climbing. Its very frightening to wonder if your going to wake up or in what condition you will wake the next morning, these numbers were even after I had taken my BP medication. Last visit the doctor added a water pill and that seems to have brought it down the last three days, I can't believe the difference in the way I feel, I understand why they call it the silent killer you do not realize the condition that you in. I feel like a new person the last 2 days but at times I have to worry about my job hoping that no one knows the stress that I'm under. I also have B12 and D vitamin deficiency's which does not help at all, I take weekly shots for the B12 deficiency's and 50,000 iu's of D per week, if I miss a shot or a pill everyone knows, I immediately spiral down. I believe what upsets me so bad is that my family thinks that I'm lying to them and I just get rude comments when I try to tell them, they want no responsibility of taking care of mom, I also have a special needs step son that requires attention, he is not in bad shape but there is never time for just me. I'm very lucky that Mom can afford a caregiver in the day so that helps relieve the worry while I'm at work and she has turned out to be a blessing for my family, she keeps the house clean during the week so I do not have much to do on the weekend and she is wonderful to my mother. I really don't mind Mom living with us but a break once in a while would be wonderful. I'm newly married, well I mean I was married last September, 1st marriage at 53 years old and between Mom and my step son we really have no alone time at all. My husband actually had to phone my sister and ask them to stop calling, emailing and texting me due to my BP situation. I guess when she realized that I was not lying which they always think that because they want to believe what best suits them, she did finally offer to bring Mom to her house, she offered a month but it will depend on how long her caregiver can stay. Family can be so cruel and I do understand that not all people are cut out for caregiving but I do not feel a break now and then is to much to ask for. The way that they talk and act I have even though maybe I should not send mom up there but I do know that I have to at this point just to realize some stress. I'm fortunate that I trust the caregiver to let me know if anything goes wrong, which I don't think it will but that is an added stress. Funny, I'm one of those people that in my younger years thought stress was an excuse. But as I get older I see that its an awful thing to deal with.

I cared for my father for a comparatively short time (3 years) but for me the stress was overwhelming. I quit a job I loved to take care of him and let my own life fall apart because I thought I should focus all my attention on my Dad. We always had a strong connection but after his stroke he trusted very few people but me. I had plenty of people to ask for help but when I finally reached out for help everyone had lost interest and no one responded.

You have to understand this was several years ago and the information shared now about care giving is so much better. I had no clue what I was doing and received very little help or support from his doctors and the two therapists he had. Most of the information I ended up with I found online (including using this site).

It has been three years since my Dad passed but I have felt the effects. My blood pressure is very high and am now taking medication. After my Dad passed our family was in turmoil and I found out that my brothers and sisters were angry with me for making decisions (when I asked I received very few responses). All of my decisions were based on my Dad's requests but according to them "he was out of his mind." No, he wasn't out of mind, he had the effects of a stroke!

I'm still trying to get my life together and the effects of caring for him include losing my self confidence and having an incredibly hard time trying to concentrate and sit still - unless it is a complete stop! But, having said all that I see personal improvements and there is hope.

I echo all comments about getting out and keeping your own life somewhere in the process. I ran into the problem where I didn't want to go out because I dreaded coming home so bad. I loved my Dad deeply but I just didn't like the situation.

I could go on but those of you who are the "only" people that can care for someone I would explain that you need a day off and then make those changes slowly. I know we all want our parents to age in place but sometimes we need to rethink our strategy. If I had things to do all over there are many things I would do differently (wouldn't we all!). I look back and realize that if I had taken better care of me I could have taken better care of my Dad.

While I haven't become medically ill or anything, the stress is a lot to handle and obviously too much stress eventually leads to problems. Between Mom's unfathomable stubbornness and a lack of family support I've been feeling especially drained. So far I've handled it by a) finding "me" time whenever I can and b) cutting out family members who don't offer any real "support" at all. Mom's in a rehab center right now and when and if she comes back home I've made it clear to her that while I'll care for her to the best of my abilities I'm not hovering over her 24/7.

I feel for all of you and no I guess no one is "made" to care take, but I myself feel to help simply because I'm an only child. My Mom made zero plans for old age and now due to care taking I have not either. I am now disabled myself. It is very stressful and I do believe that care givers health goes to pot. Even my Mother has stated that she believe her health declined due to taking care of her husband. However, she doesn't apply this to my situation.

I actually don't know where to draw the line in help because my Mother has always been dependent on someone. She is barely able to survive on her own. She wasn't able to survive before when I was a teen and my parents divorced.

That's why I say I don't know where to draw the line in care giving. I have backed off some and feel guilty but I know I have to do this because of my declining health. As some of you, my Mother doesn't want outside help. She refuses to go anywhere to do anything. I am to be her constant entertainer. I don't do this anymore, if it cruel? I don't know and I certainly hope it isn't but I need to save myself at this point. I don't have anyone to see about me when I'm older.

If it sounds like a me, me, me post, I apologize it's not meant that way. I have given all I can give and still do what I can. I stopped living with my Mother when I was 16 and she wasn't around much until I was in my thirty's. I don't think this is my responsibility but my guilt for her being alone keeps me in place. My Mom suffers from many health issues with her biggest ones being Parkinson's and Emphysema. I found her in the floor just last week and could not lift her out of the floor thus had to call the ambulance.

This is how much my health has gone down. It wasn't long ago I was working at a job, working in the yard, putting up privacy fencing, cutting down trees. You name it, I'd give it a try. Now, I do good to get one light thing done a day. I stay exhausted. I miss my own care...showers are rare these days. I mostly take a sink bath because well there's just no time or I'm too tired. I am 51 and my Mom is 67. I don't know how long this is going to last. They tell me she's in stage 4 or last stage of Emphysema...well she seems to be doing better than me in the health department. However, she is stress free and has no responsibilities other than fixing her food (microwave), washing, and basically doing her hobbies. I don't have time to have a hobby.

So if this relates to anyone or seems to be taking this road, I can only say you need to reassess the situation. Don't feel guilty. Get some outside help if possible. By all means say NO and take care of your own health. I thought this was a temporary situation. I moved my Mom next door to see about her. It has now been almost 5 years and there seems to be no end. I love my Mother dearly and wish no one had to leave us, but there are times I do wish it were over. I hope this doesn't come off wrong, but please all the care takers out there...make yourself #1.

I totally believe that care taking does effect your health!

My illness is definitely not on a par with the questioner's and probably not as severe as some of the other commenters (as I will only be reading those later) but I'm caring for my 77 y/o husband who has emphysema and aphasia as a result of a stroke in 2010. I also have physical difficulties which make walking painful and the vertebrae in my spine are deteriorating so they press on various nerves to cause other pains. This though was not caused by anyone, just a fact of my 70 years of living. In the last few years both my parents have required a lot of help to live independently and more recently both have been hospitalized and will not be able to return home again. They are in different locations and I have been shuttling between these two as well as looking after their financial affairs. Dad is in reasonably good spirits but is waiting for a permanent full care location and Mum, a very negative person, is in a rehab at present but eventually will need one as well. As their needs are different it is unlikely that they will be placed in the same location and I imagine the shuttling will still have to go on in addition to having to dispose of some personal effects and furniture and sell their home. I do have my brother's assistance so I don't need to be with them every day but they tend to ask me to deal with many details. All this has caused me to have GERD since early February and a recent gastroscopy found 3 ulcers so I am on medications and a special diet to clear this up.As the stress is continuing it may take me a long time to get rid of them. I have named my ulcers Mum, Dad and Hubby. lol

100% yes. Monstrous fatigue, back problems, arthritis, kidney disease from blood pressure issues caused by STRESS, hair falling out by the ton, nervous breakdowns (like 4 of them), episodes of hysterical laughter which turns into hysterical crying. I'm losing my mind here.

Am sole caregiver to 77 yr old mother. I'm only 57 but I've been at this now for 10 years. Saw Dad through his Alzheimer's clear to the end, tore a shoulder joint in the process from lifting him into bed every night - it's never healed properly. He passed 5 years ago, so now it's just Mom. Good ol' Mom, an abusive hateful frightening monster. Mom's a double amputee in a wheelchair and has OCPD to the max, is a narcissistic control freak, has rheumatoid arthritis, is diabetic... you name it.

I gave up everything - kids (they were almost out of high school at the time and didn't want to uproot their lives - can't say I blame them - and opted to stay with their dad), house, career, dog, everyone I knew... to move here to take care of them. I have nothing left, am financially ruined and totally stuck here. I've often thought of suicide to get out of this never-ending mess, but the thought of that wretch of a human being outliving me keeps me going. Bitter? You bet.

One excuse I have been using with my parents whenever they call for this or this around their home [mid-90 and still in a 3 level single family home] is "sorry, I can't, I am too old to do that".

Had one discussion about me coming over to help inside the house. Question if *I* fall, who is going to pick *ME* up??? Neither Mom or Dad could. Now sure I really got through to them that day.

As for doctor appointments, I think most of us don't go for ourselves because "If I see one more waiting room, I am going to scream!!!"

Wow. There is a lot of negativity here. I respectfully disagree with most (if not all) of you. My mom is 88 and we are going through an Alzheimer's journey with her, about to enter our 7th year.

Yes, I had breast cancer caused but he stress early on. I went through chemo, radiation, and a year of Herceptin. For those of you who do not know, Herceptin is an additional infusion once every three weeks for a year after chemo and radiation. That said, I changed, we changed. We accepted our life and it is and learned to "be" in the present moment. We learned how to let go of the issues that were causing us stress.

We are managing our situation; it is not managing us. We have my mom living in our home and would never have it any other way. She is not a burden to us. She IS a blessing.

Yes, she changed the course of our lives, but we are happy. She is happy. Family takes care of family and not only when it is convenient.

By the way, we have also been through her two broken hips (nine months apart), shoulder fracture, knee replacement, colon cancer stage 3B including a year of chemo, and a seizure. We did not let all that ruin us.

Absolutely!!! I have a friend that is my age 57, and she was taking care of her mom and had a stroke. She said she was a nervous wreck. I personally have been taking care of my Mom for at least 10 years as she has depression. I remember feeling her depression when I was 11 years old and doing extra work anything to see her smile. I was married in 1978 and ended it as my husband was an alcoholic. So wasn't my father. I helped Mom with EVERYTHING.. After her retirement she laid in bed a lot, I used to bring her a little something to eat around noonish and my Dad said let her get out of bed. I think he was right. But I loved her and bought things for her and worked on a perennial garden and added solar lights. I went grocery shopping, laundry, all cleaning, car inspections, even went to the Doctor with her. My Dad thought it was ridiculous. My Dad passed 3 1/2 years ago. My Mom flopped and I now know she knew she could get away with totally staying in bed. It has been so hard for me. My 2 half brothers stole money, she laid in bed. I stepped in and one brother beat me up twice. I took Mom to Florida to get her away , she stayed in bed.. Most of the family has said I spoiled her and I know I did. I have eczema and also burnt out Adrenaline glads, Hypothyroidism, High cholesterol and Blood pressure. All this from the time my Dad passed.. I have neglected my health and needs. I finally moved out of state from Vt to Va. I love it.. Took Mom with me.Put her in an assisted living. It is very expensive but I sold her house and land. (big job). It is invested in an Allstate investment to pay her monthly rent. I have been taking care of all her bills. Getting her to make a will 2 years ago and had it filed as my brother was nagging her to leave him most the assets. ( neither of the boys want to help at all). I am exhausted feeling alone, scared, sometimes anxiety so bad I am up all night. Other times depressed. Mom lays guilt trips on me , always has. She refuses to make any effort to help herself. I am completely sick of it at this time. But she is my Mother.. I thought a divorce was bad. This has been the worst time of my life. I am trying and doing more things for myself. Mom gets upset, but too bad. I I am not around she will have nobody. I had a breast lump, thank God it was not cancer. She still expected me to cook and bring food to her. She pays $4,000 per month for assisted Living includes meals but she wants Suddenly salad with olives or something else. She can be mean if I do not do something she wants. I am happy to be in Virginia. People are real friendly. I will start church and doing more for me.. For my health, sanity and my loving dog. Take care of yourself!!!! {HUGS}

freflyer, I do agree about seeing another doctors office!!!!

We have to remember, our elders are living a lot longer then they use to. Previous generation and then some women in their 40's were caregivers as on average one lived to their mid-60's or 70's.

Today we have senior citizens caregiving their much older senior citizens.

What I see happening we will be seeing all the grandchildren being caregivers to their parents and two sets of grandparents plus two sets of great-grandparents.

I"m not sure that one can disagree with a person's reality for that's what they have experienced.? To say otherwise is rather invalidating.

I had a hammer toe, but here's the thing-MOTHER wouldn't budge. She wanted to continue to live by herself in her own home in Massachusetts. I live in Maryland. She was a legally blind woman with A-Fib, CHF and whose blood pressure was running 60/40. I had to move in with her for an extended period; thus putting all my doctors and dental appointments on hold.

I said "Mother, you've waited too long to make any decisions about your living situation" (don't think we did not already have a plan for her living sutuation; we did) so you've left me no choice but to move in with you.

Hi Razzleberry, I understand what you're saying about "She is not a burden to us. She is a blessing." I also noticed that you kept mentioning "We". That's awesome, however, when you are the only one picking up slack, are alone, have no other support, when things get financial strangled, and there are no more resources available...stress builds and there's hardly a way to just let it all go. One would tend to get a little negative.

Furthermore, you're correct that "Family takes care of family and not only when it is convenient." This doesn't apply to all. Some never had that "family". I am happy that you are and have been blessed with this situation and I hope all the best for your family. I think we all tend to gripe/vent some in these situations even if it comes off as negative I don't believe it is necessary so.

After all, we are but human and while we may have gotten a bit off topic, this is support for many of us, and I think that it is good to vent about these issues. There are great mentors here with a ton of helpful information. According to this thread, we can see that care taking can/does cause health problems in most. Blessing to all.

I also forgot, Razzleberry. I do know about cancer, chemo, and radiation. My Grandmother had colon/rectal and my Mother had double mastectomy with lymph removal. That is a challenge and a victory for anyone getting through it. I know when my Mom had it the after treatment was horrid and she was so weak that we'd have to "beat" the flesh to keep it alive. Was something I hope I never have to experience again. What a blessing for you as a survivor! Congratulations!

DixieDarlin1, thank you for your words. Yes this site has helped me a lot. I also love my mother very much and yes although I do complain about my other family members I would do it all over again for my mother. I'm sure if the situation occurred heaven forbid I would also take care of the ones that feel no need to help me take care of my mother. It is just so disappointing when your faced with watching the decline of a family member and you realize that your other family members do not seem to care. No you can't change anyone and their thoughts, and not everyone is cut out to take care of someone but the disappointment still remains, I was always tough that your are there for each other through thick and thin and I truly do feel that way. I have had many people say why don't you just put your mom in a home, well my mother is not a social person and that would destroy her. So DixieDarlin1 I agree with you, everyone needs someone to talk to that understands, I don't necessary believe that anyone of us are negative and martyrs but to be able to talk to people that understand the anger and frustrations that comes along with all of this is wonderful. You don't want to continue to tell friends and family because they get tired of hearing it and really don't know what to say plus I just really don't want my friends and cousins to know just how they turned their backs on my mom its an embarrassment. So having all of you to run questions by and just lend an ear when I'm down or upset means so much to me. Thank you all not only for listening to me when I feel like I'm at my wits end but for also helping me through this tough time in my life.