Has anyone here ended up with permanent disability/illness as a result of being forced to care for elderly parents?

Well, I wasn't forced to help my parents... my parents stopped driving due to age related difficulties so I am now their wheels and have been for over 6 years now. My parents are in their mid-90's, honestly I never expected them to live this long, so I thought my being their chauffeur would be short-lived, and so far my folks are still healthy and still live by themselves.

But in the mean time I develop major panic attacks when driving, and the stress also gave me breast cancer. I had no cancer markers so the doctors contributed it to the stress. Oh great. What's next? The cancer comes back?

Hi well after years of looking after my mother I did injury to my back and my mother demands I look her ,she only talks when she wants something and I became so stressed my hair started to fall out I am at my wits end with her but theres a part of my that sees light at end of the tunnel even though I have a back injury due to her.

I 100% believe the stress from caregiving causes a host of illnesses. I am the sole caregiver for my mil. We call her Satan. She is able to due things (albeit, there are somethings she cannot) but she refuses. She is 78 but you would think she was 100. She is diabetic and has neuropathy but has been told for YEARS that moving more will help with the neuropathy but she will not. She does not have dementia or Alzheimers. In fact, her mind is quite good, she has been tested 3 times. Her problem is, is that she is a narcissist. BIG TIME. I refuse to do the things for her that I know she is perfectly capable of doing. And this is not just me thinking she can do things, this is from her own doctor. And my health has went downhill because of her. Stress can do a huge amount of damage to a person. So if you can find away to destress, by all means DO IT! If you cant, things only get worse.

At the beginning of my father's dementia, when he was in acute psychosis, I was there saving my mother. I stayed awake all night when he was on the prowl so my mother could sleep. My mother told me more than once that she didn't know what she would do if I wasn't there. Yes, 3 other siblings who lived closer than me by an hour, yet no one else committed to the type of help needed. Just "pop in's." My blood pressure rose and I got headaches all the time. I previously had low blood pressure for my entire life. It took a while but I got myself out of that situation. Crazy mother who is paranoid about help. Crazzy brother who manipulates her mind and states that dad is not ready for the nursing home, and so mother will not place him. Brother is youngest in the family, but seems to have become the only voice that matters. He is after her assets, and she can't see it. Why else would be demand that she do all the work; why does she comply? CRAZy!!

A brief spell of caregiving (six months or so) in which the carer knows there's an end to the experience is actually extremely developmental for the caregiver, and I personally recommend it to everyone as it helps to ground people in the realities of life. However, continual caregiving without no light at the end of the tunnel is damaging both physically and emotionally as other contributors have said. In my case, the stress of a mum who's 89 almost, immobile and with dementia, results in my inability to reach a healthy weight purely and simply because I can't get enough sleep. Lack of sleep is a cause of weight gain and as I have to turn my mum over at 1.00 am every night without fail for fear of a recurrence of a nasty bed sore that she had before we managed to get an air bed for her, I never get more than 6 hours sleep a night. There's no way around this as the carers who put her to bed do this at 9.00 pm and don't return to get her up and out of the bed until 9.30 am - meaning that she can't lie in the same position for 12.5 hours. And there's no way myself or hubby would want a carer coming into our house in the middle of the night to do that job for obvious reasons (having to keep the locks off the doors, changes in staff, etc.). No matter what I do diet-wise, and I do eat healthily and in small portions, my chronic lack of sleep means that I can't get to the weight I want, which is what I was before mum started living with me. Not being a healthy weight brings all the other problems - stress on the joints, heart, etc., not to mention increased risk of breast cancer which others have noted. So, my advice to all caregivers is to ensure that you take as much help from others as possible and only do the things that you really can't get others to do - certainly, if I were in my 70s and looking after a 95+ year old, there's no way I would be silly enough to allow myself to be bullied because the chances of reaching 95 myself would be very slim.

I did develop a back problem and sciatica 13 years ago, which occassionally flares up from trying to catch my Mom as she was starting to fall. .My husband's A-fib returned last spring after several years and I have to wonder if the stress of my Mom's problems didn't cause that.....Now she is completely bedridden in my home and this all started with a fall in her home last year...then multiple health problems sprang up and she just could not walk anymore and was diagnosed with CHF and she developed a pressure wound by her tailbone in a 5 star rated nursing home where she first went for rehab after the fall. The cancer which was inoperable was radiated but is still there and unbelievably they gave her 6 months to live 13 years ago.....
Twice now in the past year I have had episodes of my hair starting to fall out. It got better after she went into a hospital for 6 weeks of IV treatment for an infection, but she is now home after another hospitalization and rehab in a better nursing home but she is now on hospice....and my hair has started falling out again. I know that is no big deal compared to other people's problems, but could be an indicator of my health in general and worse things to come. I keep telling myself that this will one day end and my poor Mom will find peace and be safe from this World's problems in Heaven. I don't want to lose my Mom and wish she could be the way she was before all this happened, but that is not possible. I try to get through it by taking it one day at a time and fending off each day's problems as best as possible. I keep her clean and comfortable and that is all I can do. The hair loss is definitely from worry and maybe my diet needs to be better.

Personally, I would never want my adult kids to be caretaker for me. For a elderly person to say she only wants her "child" caring for her is extremely selfish. If you truly love your daughter or son.....you would not want them missing out on their own life and time. I relate to this because I am 70 and my Mother is 96. After many battles and shouting matches....she finally is lightening up on me. It has not been easy. My heart goes out to seniors who have a parent living too long if that parent cannot be independent and be able to entertain themselves . It is NOT a blessing and I resent that comment from people who think it is without knowing.

There is no doubt caregiving is stressful and as a result can exacerbate or cause a host of health problems. I believe my heart issues developed because I could never sleep while caring for my mother who had dementia. It didn't help that I was also a caregiver or healthcare advocate for 4 others during a 3 year period of time. Having said that, it's critical for all caregivers to have physical, emotional and spiritual outlets for relief. I'm a former TV reporter and research is part of my DNA. I sought help through community services.. elder care, Area Agency on Aging, Hospice, etc. At one point I found a Dementia Daycare Center for my Mom, allowing me to work part-time. Resources like this blog can provide the emotional support you need if you do not have it at home. And I can't stress the importance of daily lifting up and releasing your burdens to a higher power (God). I was able to have a Hospice caregiver come in on Sundays for 2 hours so I could go to church. I am no longer a caregiver but my heart goes out to all who continue to carry out the hardest job you'll never regret. Whether you are caring for someone you love dearly or a "MIL you call Satan" (in the previous post), you are doing what you know to be the right thing. I encourage you to do it with the best attitude possible knowing others share and empathize with you.

I don't understand how someone can be forced to take care of the elderly sick parents and forgo their own needs and medical health? I willingly took care of my mother prior to her passing in 2012, while still taking care of my own health. Are there some states that have laws that forces this upon unhealthy/healthy children?

Bast1965: YES and YES. So many have already replied. A study shows 1/3 of most caregivers will die before the patient, because we ignore our own health, lack of sleep, being physically pushed beyond limits. 2 or 3 days after I had my father finally admitted to a care center, I was rushed to the ER with heart problems that had been ignored (even tho I was taking meds) and ended up with crash paddles on my chest and admitted for 10 days to the Cardiac Wing. Bladder infections from having to hold your urine because you are doing for the patient. Back and joint damage because you are lifting, carrying, moving the patient or they fall and you grab them and they land on you. Torn or strained muscles and ligaments from hauling a walker and wheelchair out of the trunk of the car 14 times a day when the patient insists on being on the go for 8 hours straight. No sleep. With apnea and no sleep, congestive heart failure and weight gain can occur (I am living proof). You suffer from poor hygiene because you never have time to shower or bathe or change into clean clothes after your patient throws their coffee or food at you. Emotional problems which lead to physical problems and ailments. Rapid weight gain from stress eating or malnutrition due to stress. Most care-giver children are at the age where WE are starting to require our own help. Never getting enough uninterrupted sleep because our patient wakes up multiple times a night with their pain, bathroom needs, having to turn them every few hours. When you do sleep, it is fully clothed and with one eye open. The dangers when we are driving our patient parent. If they sit up front with you, they will fling their arms, try to get control of the wheel, distract you. If you put them in the back seat, they then continue to poke your head, your neck, try to choke you, pull your hair, wave their cane around, grab you. Not all ALZ or Dementia patients are like that, some are so easy going, those of us who never had that envy them deeply. So YES, some of us have ended up with congestive heart failure, broken bones, damaged joints, sleep issues, apnea, cancer, malnutrition, obesity, emotional problems that will never go away, injuries that require stitches, and a whole lot of other medical issues that were sustained in the line of duty. We TRY. But it doesn't always work in our favor. Good luck

My health is being affected too, I have both parents at home, dad 92 with dementia, mom 94 with various ailments but she is pretty with it mentally thank God. I had to hire overnight care for dad cause he's had so many falls, and he's incontinent, and had diarrhea one and off for two weeks, now he's constipated. And helping him stand up is taking a toll on my back, I already have sciatica and I have tendonitis in my arm and feel like it's never going to get better. And he's not always cooperative. And my hair has been falling out!! Someone said it was stress and now I really believe it. I don't have time to exercise and I stress eat. We do have hospice coming in and PCAs thru elder services which I am so grateful for, but the rest of the time it's me. I know I have it better than a lot of people, but I'm worried that it's really going to have a bad outcome on my health (I had a lumpectomy last year and I was told I have atypical cells but I don't want to take any medicine cause of the risk of stroke). So thank you everyone for letting me vent, I'm sending {{HUGS}}} to you all :-)

Where are these poor people living? Surely not in the United States, as slavery was outlawed here over a hundred years ago. NO ONE is forced to care for ANYONE in this country.

A distorted sense of responsibility and other factors too numerous to name cause some people to destroy their own lives in their service to others. Heck, I've even read on this site of people taking their CHILDREN along on their journey to helplessness as they give up their entire lives to care for someone else.

I am so sorry this happened to you. I neglected my own health caring for my husband for 14 months until he passed. It is sooo easy to get caught in that trap. And A TRAP is exactly what it is.

It's interesting that several of you have mentioned weight gain from lack of sleep. I have not put on too much weight but more than I would like, and feel so bloated and sluggish most of the time. My fatigue level is relatively high, and I noticed that my blood pressure, which was in the low normal range, has slightly climbed, although I attributed these to factors to post menopause.

My tennitis (especially pulsile tennitis), dizziness, balance and motor coordination problems are acting up. My fatigue level makes me more prone to accidents and falls (especially in the winter), and I when I do yoga I am chronically stiff, I can't develop the flexibility any more. I, too, have noticed more hair coming out when I shampoo, although not to the point where my hair looks thinner yet. I become short of breath and tired out easily when I do physical exertion, although I walk 20 minutes 6 times a day and stand for three hours a day as a crossing guard during the school year, which presents its own set of health problems from air and noise pollution.

I find my skin is a tell tale sign of the stress, not in the form of eczema but cherry what-ever-you-call-its springing up, some very large, all over my body. I started to get them when I was in my twenties, so I get annoyed when doctors say it's age related, as well as pigmentation growths.

Sometimes odd things will pop up and go away, such as when I sprained my back reaching down to turn off the power bar of my computer. Although it was only muscle sprain that took a few weeks to heal, there was traces of blood in the urine; however, when I followed up a month or so later, that symptom had cleared.

I've been blessed with an overall healthy constitution, but if that's the case, I should feel a lot healthier than I do. Of course, there are the emotional illnesses that commonly come with caregiving, like depression and anxiety and trouble with anger and emotional self regulation. I get very irritable quickly now; I used to have a patient, pleasant disposition. I feel that I've lost my empathy - I guess that's burnout, because mom is not open to day programs, respite relief, going out for walks or doing anything to make herself feel better. The repetition of stories from her past and how badly her life has turned out, obsessive compulsive behaviours and constant repetitive questioning are really stressing me out now. Her short term memory is shot, and she is combining several past events into one now. Her g.p. says she could go on this way for seven years, but I highly doubt it; then, again, she's so stubborn she probably will. But she just seems too weak and giving up the will to live.

Sorry for rambling, but short answer, yes, I notice physical and psychological ill effects from long term caregiving, even in just a supervisory role without nursing duties attached.

Steins: you wrote: "My heart goes out to seniors who have a parent living too long if that parent cannot be independent and be able to entertain themselves . It is NOT a blessing and I resent that comment from people who think it is without knowing".....I agree with you 100%. Others may have a support network or have a patient who is easy going and easy to care for. Some of us may have a 90 yr old parent who has zero short term memory, psychopathic behavior and sexual deviant before the disease. Two broken/healed hips, COPD, arthritis, only meets 1 single ADL (adult daily living) item that he can kind of feed himself. Bedridden. Incontinent. VERY verbal. LOUD. Removes the diaper and smears feces all over himself and the bed linens and walls numerous times a day. Peripheral neuropathy both feet. Bed sores. Infections. Black lung. Screams all night 'help me!' only to find he wants company and someone to listen to him talk. Disruptive. Combative. Demanding. You understand, most of us do. Others may disagree and cast fault because their care-giving may be simple and easy and a very compliant patient. Others may only have had to care for someone for a short time period. Some of us do this for 20 years straight. I would give about anything to switch roles and let them take over for one full month, then tell me that this is a blessing they have lived this long and we should be grateful. I don't consider it a 'blessing' for a body to remain alive with zero concept of time, abstract thinking, knowing who anyone is, completely dependent on others, wracked with pain, staring at the ceiling, inability to look at anyone when speaking, repetitious words or questions 40 times an hour...FOR HOURS...for every single facet of their care. I do understand and almost every one else here does. And for those who don't, perhaps a bit of compassion or empathy?

I injured my back while caring for my mother at her home prior to her going to a SNF. I was out of commission for about a month. My siblings and I were staying with her 24/7 and none of us slept at night while there. We realized after 6 weeks of this that we couldn't do it. Since she has been in the SNF I don't sleep well. She is 96 and I am always waiting for "the phone call". We still go to see her everyday esp. for meals. We thought about home health care but her medical needs were greater than what they could provide. I was on the way to an ulcer but fortunately my MD got me on some meds that helped with that. I still have a lot of anxiety over our decision and her declining health. But I do follow up with my MDs. I recently had ankle surgery which I put off until my brother came home from his winter stint in Florida so I am also guilty of ignoring some aspects of my own health. It is a very hard thing to juggle all these issues. But the best advice I can give is that if you are going to be a caregiver in any capacity -- you need to take care of yourself first. It may seem selfish but if you are not taken care of, you are of no use to your parent/spouse/etc.

Globetrotter, you wrote "that's burnout, because mom is not open to day programs, respite relief, going out for walks or doing anything to make herself feel better. The repetition of stories from her past and how badly her life has turned out, obsessive compulsive behaviors and constant repetitive questioning are really stressing me out now."....of course it stresses you out, bless your heart. We KNOW. We understand. Our hearts go out to you, to everyone who deals with this day upon day with no end in sight. Bless you.

I took care of my mother with cancer for two years and was fine..I was 35 years of age. Then I took care of my mother-in-law for two years at age 70. I now have leaky gut syndrome and chronic badder infections, they say, due to stress. And a bulging disk from lifting her.

Steins Yes I believe there is the beginning and the toward the end and the ending and they all three have different behaviors. The beginning was very easy and he followed directions well. Toward the end, he started getting upset about his oxygen and messing with it all the time. Now the end, he is obsessed that people are in our house. Sometimes, he thinks he is on the job site and that is even worse. I sleep but he wakes me up to do something like "check the chain" on his leg. There is no chain. I think his getting restless is the drugs. These drugs might work well on others, but I think with him it does an awful job. Except for the Morphine. I agree that being 73 myself, I need to get my rest, eat well and take my vitamins. I had no idea it would be this hard. I am buying some white sheets as soon as possible as he thinks the flowers on his sheets are "things" I will need so much rest when this end. I love him, but it is the price we pay for caring for an elderly person in their final days. My mom was so easy as was my husband. But they did not get the drugs my Partner is getting. I think a week long cruise in a warm water area sounds good right now. His family is nowhere to be found. Most are in Germany so I forgive them, but his son has NO excuse. I have to fight hating that kid.

So many of you have such difficult situations and yet you are bravely pressing on each day to do what you need to do, You deserve a medal of honor! Some days I think that I can do this any longer and then I read all of your comments and realize that I can do it because you all help me with your everyday experiences. I am 67 and have been taking care of my mom who will soon be 98, for 3 years now. She is wheelchair bound and so most things have to be done for her, ie lifting her onto the commode, wiping her off, lifting her onto her bed, recliner and into the car etc. She has dementia, but not the violent kind, is just extremely forgetful and needs supervision most of the day. Most of my muscles hurt,but what I worry most about is my emotional health. I say and do things out of character for my personality -- I am changing and I don't always like the way I am becoming. I hope I will be different once she is gone and be pleasant to be around again, I seem to be growing more bitter towards family members, and I hate how they are always telling me about the trips they are taking and what fun they had on the weekend, etc. I want to be happy for them, but I end up feeling cheated. Have any of you felt this way and when your loved one is gone, do you become a nicer person?

Kala, thank you so much for your understanding and words of encouragement! It goes a long way in helping me to carry on.

Sally, my sincere condolences on the loss of your mother through cancer. The difference between the two types of illnesses and the effects on you in your caregiving role are very interesting. Same length of time, your mother through cancer and your mother in law with, I am assuming, dementia. Am I right in surmising that with the cancer, there was an estimate or guestimate in terms of the length of time your mother had left to live? She is/was your blood relative. How was her mindset and ability to cope, and how did this influence the relationship with her? As hard as the grieving process, there was a finite amount of time before it would be over and your mother, God rest her soul, would be at peace.

It's interesting the number of caregivers who are taking care of their mother in laws. Is it usually the husband's mother, and they have no other siblings (or available but unwilling siblings) to look after her? That, no doubt, has an influence on family dynamics and creates its own stresses on the nuclear family, especially if there are children (young or grown) who live with the parents.

Combine that with the fact that a person can live a long time with dementia; it is a very slow degenerative process that eventually leads to death. The grieving and dying process in a very long one, and the future is uncertain. We know the general stages of dementia but we don't really know what we will be dealing with from one week or month or year to the next. This ungoing state of disequilibrium puts undue stress (which is actually distress, because a certain amount of stress is necessary and healthy for the body) on the adrenal glands so that they wear out. That's why anxiety is a common symptom in caregivers of people with dementia. There are two systems involved - the sympathetic nervous system, which is aroused in response to a perceived threat designed to be short lived and sending more blood flow and sugar to the organs and tissues of the body - and the parasympathetic system, which restores balance and equilibrium to the body once it has dealt with the threat, either through fight or flight. With dementia, there is no tangible, physical threat (except when they act out or are in physical danger to themselves or others), so all that adrenalin has nowhere to go and we begin living in a prolonged state of arousal. That's why we experience so many physical and emotional symptoms of distress.

Adrenal rehabilitation is as important as that for all the other systems affected by the stress. It's high time you went away for a while (mentally or physically) and rest. God bless you.

Ok, what if something happens to you and you get a major injury, thus limiting how much you can do?

I had to stop being my parent's chauffeur, it will be two months now with probably several more month as I work through rehab.... what happened was I fell and broke my right shoulder, thus cannot reach down to shift the gears, and anything heavier than a box of tissues is painful to lift. Couldn't write. Had to learn how to eat using left hand, what a mess that was. Brushing teeth was a challenge. Don't get me started on taking on and off clothes, never felt such pain. Whew, glad I wasn't hands-on with my parents.

I know that sounds minor compare to those who are really hands-on 24/7, but what if you were unable to transfer your parent from bed to bathroom? Or feed them? Or dress them? Or pick them up if they fall? My fall came out of the blue, I was walking from my car to my office like I've been doing for years... took me totally by surprised.

What is your back-up plan?

I think it just happens. I have been trying to pursue cataract surgery for the past year - on my to-do list etc. After all this time I finally got the exam but haven't gotten any further. Other things just keep pushing this to the bottom of the list. After dealing with mom dr appts, it's hard logistically and mentally to move on to my own. I don't think any of us are martyrs or self-destructive - it's just challenging to deal with it all at once, so naturally the elder's more precarious health scenarios tend to take center stage.

I'm currently going through a very stressful time with my narcisstic, head strong, defying, negative, given up on God, and hateful mother. I had to walkk out the house because she causes so much stress that I just couldn't take it any longer. Lord, I need a break! The stress has given me headaches, back pain, and now chest pains right over my heart. I have hung in there with her to take care of my mom but she has done everything to reverse my care. She refuses to let professionals care. She has chased everyone else in the family away with her wicked tongue. Only person is me and I'm sick of the verbal abuse. I've given up life to care for her and its a pure mess. As I write this, I'm sitting in a hotel room because I had to just get away.

I suffer from anxiety and chest pains while trying to care for my mom. I work full time, she has a dog, 3 cats and two birds. I have 2 dogs, 2 horses and two geese plus 5 acres. I am exhausted. My brother lives 1500 miles away. He takes her once in a while, but she can't be gone for long. Mom is 85 years old, she wants things her way, which many times I wouldn't care about but when I try to take her somewhere she doesn't want to go, when I can't take her out she complains that she is stuck in the house. I have a bad back from several years of professionally grooming horses, I have an old injury in my ankle, so I want to get into bed as early as possible. She complains that she has no one to talk to. She never sleeps all night, which is stressful as she has fallen because she is up puttering around all night!

I look after my MIL who has Alzheimer's. She does not live with us but about 40 feet away from us. She broke her ankle recently and after her first surgery the hospital just sent her home. They made it sound like I had no choice but to take her home with me. I quit my job to stay home with my children but have found myself in this caregiving role. I never expected this in a million years. She stayed on my couch for a week and a half and of course I was the only one available to look after her. My husband is the only one bringing home a paycheck in this house and the only way he could have taken the needed time off would have been unpaid leave, which we can't afford. (he didn't have enough vacation time) He has no living siblings. She can usually do basic self care but with the broken ankle she needed help getting to the toilet, bathing and dressing. In the week and a half that she was here, home health only came out once to bathe her. A cousin came over once to help her into the tub since I can't lift her. (she outweighs me) I washed her back and she said she had the rest. A nephew and his wife came over another time, got her into the tub and bathed her themselves. She fell three times while she was here. My back was hurting. If I had kept doing what I was doing I probably would have injured my back. I had matching bruises on my arms and legs from fighting with the wheelchair. She also has incontinence issues. It took both me and my husband to clean up a huge mess. He cleaned her up, I cleaned up the bathroom. Luckily this happened on the weekend so he was here. She had it in her head though that she was going to go home and just get around in her wheelchair, which won't fit through doorways. She had to have another surgery and is now in rehab. Some family members are trying to get her to stay there permanently. I don't see it happening myself. My husband and I haven't been pushing her to stay there forever but we did want her to go for rehab, which she finally agreed to do if the doctor told her to. He did.

Agree with MaggieMarshall - No one in the US is legally forced to care for anyone. But certainly there are many, many people all over the world caring for elderly relatives who are somewhat stressed out about it but making it work because it's what you do and you hope someone will care for you when you are not longer able. Yes, you have to take responsibility for your own health as well. The role of a caregiver can be cocooning.

My husband is the youngest of his siblings but was the first to retired at age 50. Our 2 chidren were grown, and we had 2 great yrs of retirement before we started this rollercoaster of caring for his parents.

Before we started we were quite fit for our age, normal weight, and except for a few health problems we were very healthy.
My husband had Thyroid disease, but it was managed with meds and he was in great physical shape and had no other health issues. Today he has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, borderline diabetes, skin issues (big red blotches on his face and back) and has gained 30# at least. He gets shoulder and back spasms and pinch nerves without doing anything physical, and has little to no energy.

I had chronic pain, migranes, and back problems along with fibromyalgia before we started. I have lived with this for yrs and I know my limits for lifting and will not do things that can put myself at risk of further injury. My pain was contolled and managed, exercise, rest, and with meds with help from my specialist. I was at a healthy weight and made sure I kept up with my exercises and stretching and meditation. In the past 7 yrs I have gained close to 50 lbs and no matter what I do dieting and exercise it still keeps climbing. I now have severe psoriasis mainly on my scalp, face and chest which is painful, itchy and embarrassing and to this date I haven't found any treatment to help. I get bouts of insomnia now that with a normal life would make it unbearable to function, but mine usually come the night before appts for my mil.

STRESS, STRESS, stress is something you cannot control at times! It will make you one miserable individual if you don't get yourself out of the situation and it definitely can give you many illnesses you didn't have before the stress started.

We are trying to lessen the stress in our lives right now by taking ourselves out of the caregivers role for my mil. We are getting other services take over the duties we had in the past. With change comes stress of course, but we are hopeful in time it will help to some degree with our health.

Good luck and hugs to all. ♡


You say I will not do things to cause yourself more pain, but you just can't help it when your loved one is falling to just lunge to save them or when you assist them in and out of cars. You

You need to take of yourself first. Make YOU a priority!
I don't know how this ended up at the bottom of my post... just not my day..lol

MaggieMarshall and Danamovedon,

Slavery is alive and well in the US despite the civil war! It's just emotoinal/psychological.

Its covertness for women seems to even have cultural and social support which makes it even more hidden. But it is symptomatic of emotional incest which grooms the child for future enslavement. This takes place in the lives of some women and some men. It even takes place in Christian homes.

It's chains are invisible and yet very real as well as very difficult to break. There are three major books about this emotional slavery.

The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life.

Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners

When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment,

There needs to be a book specifically written for husbands whose wives are enslaved to their mom's due to this covert emotional incest. It does happen. It happened to my wife whose worked extremely hard in therapy to get her freedom. It's nice not feeling married to more than one person. Sad to say, her twin sister continues to live in such slavery to a narcissistic mom who treated her husband like a slave and is a preacher's daughter, although a very uneducated, fundamentalist one.

All caregivers have health problems. I've heard people say that it is rewarding, and I won't refute that. It is also life-shortening, and that's also a fact. In my last year of caring for mom at home, I packed on 50 pounds because of this lifestyle, developed borderline hypertension, joint pain, chest pain. I would delay seeing my own doctor because something so much more urgent would come up with my mom. She's in a nh home now, but that does not mean I'm not still a caregiver! Everyone knows that nursing home care is sub-par, no matter how "good" the nh is. If you're not ok with that, you end up supplementing. But I digress. Yes! I developed health problems and No! they did not go away when mom went into a nursing home. My friend's mom is in one of the better nursing homes in our area and she was recently hospitalized bacuse a UTI had "gone into her blood." And the care at her nh is better than most!