Are you skeptical when those who ignored an elder change their tune when they find out that person is terminally ill? - AgingCare.com

Are you skeptical when those who ignored an elder change their tune when they find out that person is terminally ill?

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My Mom recently found out that her cancer had progressed to Stage IV. Her doctor referred us to our local Hospice care and they are wonderful. But during these many months of her illness and time in a nursing home, our family members have not been very supportive or helpful. (One in particular has been very negative and critical. NONE of them came to visit or called her on Christmas Day. I still have a good bit of anger about that. My significant other and I were the only visitors she had that day.) Now they know Mom is terminally ill, it's like night and day. All tears, love yous, and if there's anything we can do to help, and so on. While I know we all process the news of a loved one's impending death differently and respond in different ways, I still can't help feeling skeptical after so many months of their indifference and criticism. Did any of you ever experience this? How did you deal with it?

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I know exactly what you mean my lother in law had children that literaly hadn't spoke to her in years, ignored her, treated her like crap when we brought her home they came from down the street and states away. The whole time saying they were there to help but always had a reason why they couldn't come in and sit with her for us to let us get some sleep. Their mother was dying and they had to get to work. We were missing out on work every day! They would come in for a few min at a time then go back and gather at one of the brothers houses and eat,drink and play cards with the realitives that were from out of state. It was discusting. But it meant soooo much to her, she was able to make amends with them, and enjoyed them the short time they were there. And in the end she knew, she told me she did. As well as told me I was more of a daughter to her than her own daughters. It still made me sick when I thought about it, but left it as that,my own thoughts. They live with their own guilt,I don't have too. In such a stressful situation its best to just think thosed thoughts,vent them on here,or to someone you can talk to who would understand. But if you tell them off for it, they will wine and you will look like a bully. Other people can see.
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I'm sorry about your mom, I hate cancer. My mother also has battled with cancer off and on for 46 years now. She won most of the battles, but now it's not looking too good. We'll have to wait and see for this particular cancer as to whether it's going to reappear or not. My first thought was that I know you're mad at the indifference your relatives have shown in the past, but it's not about you. If it makes your mother happy to see them, then let it go. Maybe they feel guilty now after neglecting her for so long, but who cares? If it were my mother dying, I know she would no longer care about all the baggage from the past, and would only want the NOW. Make the most of the time you have left with her, be content that they have stepped up now instead of never. It's time for you all to come together as a family for her. Sorry about your mom.
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