Do I have to pay for dad's funeral because I have been using his Social Security money and not putting some of it away?

Your arrangement doesn't seem unreasonable to me, but I think the mingling of his funds with yours could cause problems in the future, especially if he ever does need to go to a nursing home on Medicaid.

It might be better to come up with a personal care agreement, spelling out what he is paying you and what you are providing.

He is paying on a life insurance policy. What is that for? Could he cash that in and use it to pre-pay for his funeral expenses?

You are NOT wrong to ask your sister to pay 1/2. YOU are the one doing ALL of the caregiving. My mom has lived with me several times over the last 7 years. I tried 5 nursing homes and NONE of them took care of her...only abused and neglected her to the point that she almost died. I take her OUT as soon as I see signs of abuse and move her back in with me. SHe is late state Alz. I too am responsible for her SS check...I'm her DPOA and Representative Payee. I asked SS if I could spend mom's SS check on her living expenses and to help with groceries, etc. They said OF COURSE YOU CAN. SHE is LIVING WITH YOU. She must pay her way. I've done that every time I've had to move mom back in with me. If she just wouldn't get so mean and start hitting me again, she'd be here still today. I do not like her having to live in a NH ..they do NOT care. Tell you sister that if she doesn't want to pay 1/2, then she can can move dad into HER house and take care and you will pay 1/2 when the time comes.

Hon, move on. Tell her what you can afford without her contribution and let her decide the outcome. Dead is dead, but life is for the living, and I'm sure your Dad would not want you to use up your saving or put yourself in debt. As for what you deserve - well many of the living deserve alot more than they get - and many, less so !! She is being so selfish, and I truly feel for you. Is she perhaps a bit like my younger sister - wanting to put on a show for others ? If your Dad is happy with a simple ceremony - what's her problem? Please don't fall out with your husband over this. Remember that while you can't choose your family, you can choose your friends, and I'm sure you have many. The bottom line is to be true to yourself and in time she'll get over it - or not,maybe........but what will you have lost. Will she pick up the pieces if you fall out with your husband? - I think not. Take care or yourself. You are a special person.

I don't want to be difficult here, I just wonder if your sister planned the funeral with you? While my inlaws are not getting the funeral they would have wanted, -yet never arranged or paid for-, they are getting the funeral that can be paid for out of their own funds. I would not be comfortable making arrangements and telling other people they must pay for the arrangements I made.

The money left after your fathers monthly expences is what is owed you for 24 hour care it is no longer "his". if he was in a N/H they would take everything
All he would get would be a few dollers a week as pocket money. Try talking to other funeral homes and request the lowest legal estimate. If your whole family can't afford that Dad will have to be cremated and his remains put in with mother. Under no circumstances should you and your husband use retirement money or go into debt for this. Talk to social services and see what they can suggest. if your sister still wants a fancy funeral she can arrange and pay for it. have a simple graveside ceremony and a gathering at home or one of dad's outdoor favorite places at the time or in the summer.Thoughts are with you

Something I fogot to add.....mom had taken out a life insurance policy several years ago before we had to put her into the first nursing home. That policy cost 55.00 per month. She paid on it for 2 years before being put in NH. SS told me to give that to the Funeral Home..and I DID. All funeral arrangements were made back then when I turned the policy over to them. I continued to make the 55.00 monthly payments ALONE with NO help from siblings for THREE years. I also am and have been the SOLE caregiver for mom all of these years. Siblings have never cared about her. I finally called them together for a meeting and told them...YOU BOTH must pay YOUR share of the Life insurance policy..here is the account number that it must be paid to by the 4th of each month. I'm TIRED of the one who has to take care of everything. NOT RIGHT. They didnt' like it but I told them....if we don't keep the policy up...we will all have to pay the 12,000 for her funeral..split three ways. They quickly agreed to pay the measley 17.00 monthly and have since then. I just got fed up with everything being MY responsibility for SO many years. Now, we all three pay 17.00 monthly and it's taken care of.

You are exactly right carolrose45!! I was the one who said that....let dad live with her if she balks at paying 1/2 !! Non-caregivers have no idea what we go through, what we GIVE up..which is our LIVES as we once knew. At least I sleep well at night knowing I am doing all I can for mom...always have and will until her last day.

It amazes me when my siblings or other relatives make comments about getting help or financial aid for things Mom needs or might need. They have no idea what care costs. And they don't know what actually exists out there. They think my mom is eligible for all sorts of things that she isn't eligible for.

When my dad was dying, my siblings and I had disagreements over funeral costs. One brother and his wife picked out a very nice coffin even though Dad just wanted "a pine box." They said they would pay for it. Within 6 months, they were divorcing and didn't pay a thing for the coffin. Because Mom had a stroke right after Dad died, the funeral bill was never paid and went to collections. And now I am trying to find a way that Mom can pay it off on her low monthly income.

It is so hard to find a way to make this all fair when you have siblings.

You know what Carol? Your sister doesn't deserve you ! What would she do if the burden of care (and much as we love our parents, it is still a burden) fell on her? Turn her back, I'm guessing - though please forgive me if I'm wrong. You are carrying the can, so to speak, and are not being in the least bit unreasonable! You need to stay strong on this one (Just a thought - maybe she should see the replies you've had?) - of course you are entitled to take reasonable expenses for your Dads care - only the very well off would not do so. On the other hand - I would hate for you to fall out with your sister. Since my Mum died, mine have meant everything to me. What we did was to apportion the costs according to our means (leaving out our brother who did nothing but sponge off Mum - but that's another, quite horrible story - he also had no say in the funeral arrangements). Sounds terribly British, and sorry that's what I am! I feel a bit of an imposter, but I like this site, and maybe I can sometimes give a different take on things. I hope so. Hugs to you. x

THANK YOU for you comments, keep them coming, any is helpful to me to understand where I stand regarding her paying for some of the funeral expense. Much is appreciated, Carol