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Our Dad is 85 lived in a Senior Living and has us 4 kids helping him. He is in independent living, we check in AM and PM and on weekends for company and to make sure he takes medicines. Have an extended family member who does not work, he is 25 and has no Caregiving experience. It has been determined by my sister that we will pay him $30 to visit my Dad on the nights she doesn't go. We have offered to go at those times if needed, she has said we will pay him weekly, each of us taking a week to pay his wages. So, when she goes on vacation and cannot provide care for our Dad, who should pay? Us, Her, a percentage? Her rationale about picking him as the caregiver is he is a family member and we trust family more. However, about a year and 1/3 ago he would also help my Dad and my Dad told me "I don't like him coming over, all he does is sleep on the couch while I read the paper and eat". My Dad refused to pay for him, hence us kids having to pay. With one sister having a 10 days vacation and the other a 2 week vacation coming up I am getting concerned over 1) The care provided 2) My Dad's complaints, 3) paying for him when others are on vacation. Also my sister had said that my daughter and her son (who are both RN's should go over for free (of course, after working 3 14 hour shifts they have plenty of time and energy), while my other sister's son is the one we are paying. What is excessive, what is fair, etc. Anyone run into this before? I don't like having to pay for times when my sister cannot go over and provide care, but its all in the family, so to speak and feelings get hurt. I have just been reminded via text its my turn to pay him and that it must be cash and why didn't I leave the money at my Dads for him to get there. I honestly don't carry that much cash with me weekly. Help if anyone has run into this before. How do I respond without hurting everyones feelings? And how do I point out that we are paying for times when people don't want to go/on vacation----Thank You.

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I think you need to listen to your dad. He’s indicated that he doesn’t like or want help from nephew. Apparently it isn’t any real help to him and he should be respected on this. There’s no need to feel obligated to pay someone that isn’t good to your dad. Time to stand up to this, say no, and come up with a better plan that you can feel better about. And don’t worry so much about hurt feelings, this too shall pass
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I agree with FF  (dad needs to be in AL) but to answer your question. 
I would tell sister that she is to pay whomever on days she’s skipping out on. If the four of you agreed to split the agreed upon care for dad then 1/4 of the time is each kids responsibility. She only need pay for when she is MIA regardless of where she is. You are responsible for your 1/4 and so on. If she wants to hire her son to do her part that is her business. If dad doesn’t want him there he needs to say so and pay the $2 which sounds like a good deal.
You tell sister you are only willing to do your 1/4 regardless of where she is. So she should only need to pay her son for the days she is responsible for. She’s not taking you on vacation is she? You and your sibs will be there to do your own 1/4. If she wants to ask one of you to cover for her when she’s gone and then she covers for you when you need time off that might work and no extra help needed.
Each siblings time is important. One not more than the other.
If I’ve misunderstood the question I apologize.
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So just to clarify, my Nephew is the one we pay. He comes over several times a week IN PLACE of one of us (usually my sister) to make sure my Dad has taken his medicine. We also put foot cream on his feet. I go one to two times a week for 2 hours each visit, every Saturday for 5 hours and Sunday for 3-4 hours (includes church drive, etc) My Sister who implemented my nephew coming over goes over Friday PM for 2 hours and one hour on Sat. She does not go over during the week-Says too busy with work. So are we all, except for sister that does not work. We can have someone at his faclity watch him take his medicine. Its $2 a day. My Dad us to be involved to help care for him. So we all agreed and have done so. We are going to a counseling session on Monday and Tuesday with 2 different counselors (one is at our church and I would prefer to keep this within the family and the pastor is not the one doing the counselng.) It just gets annoying to me that when my sister makes the schedule up she has my nephew weeknights SHE is supposed to do. and ones we have volunteered to do. I would rather do that than pay my nephew $30 for a 10 min trip. I know I sound jaded. That is because for the past 2 1/2 years no one did anything to help my Dad but me----I took him to his Cancer appts/treatments and follow up for surgery and no one said Thank you EVER. Now the rules have changed and this is the new normal. I just dont like it. If I could take time from work for 8 hours a week, and then stay up late finishing work, why cant everyone try that instead of paying for my nephew who is not a trained caregiver. UGH I am so annoyed
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kidskids, Independent Living is just that, INDEPENDENT. Time for the family to start cutting back on the visits to Dad so that he can make friends at the facility, instead of being a "host" numerous times a day.

My Dad was your Dad's age and living in Independent Living and I finally narrowed down the visit to a short time on Sunday. Dad didn't mind. In fact I think he enjoyed having the "independence" instead of me helicoptering over him all the time.

Dad's facility had options that he could pay for.... such as "med-tech" service where all of Dad's meds were kept in the nurses office and a Staff person who was certified to hand out meds would visit Dad twice a day to give him his meds.

The facility also had other options.

Now, it sounds like your Dad needs a lot of care. I am surprised the Staff hadn't advised the family that it is now time to move Dad into Assisted Living. That way Dad would have around the clock care by the Staff. Thus no running back and forth being Dad's caregivers. Time to be the "family" instead.

Food for thought.
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Of course, if everybody thinks the pay is too high, then perhaps their might be a 'bidding war' to determine who is going to get paid for medication management. You might end up paying $20 instead of $30. And maybe different people will take care of this duty on different days. The bottom line is everyone needs to look at it as a job that someone is paid to do.
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I didn't notice that it's not 'brother' but instead is 'nephew?' The principal is the same. Nephew is being paid to administer medication, not to visit. He should probably go home after his task is complete instead of sleeping on the couch, so as not to confuse that he's 'visiting.'
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WOW. This is a catastrophe getting ready to happen. You family is still ahead the this train wreck, so I hope you can avert is.

There are many stories on this website and others about how families are torn apart by this type of problem . . . money. You need to have a family meeting NOW to get everyone on the same page in order to preserve your family.

Dad is the one who should be paying for his own care. If he is not capable of reliably taking his medicine, then he needs help. If the burden is split evenly in the family, compensation is not needed for anyone. If the burden is uneven, then compensation is used so that feelings don't get hurt.

If someone takes over brother's duties while he is on vacation, then he/she should be paid. The agreement should be in writing and all should sign. $30 per visit for medication management is reasonable and whoever does this task should be paid.

Nobody gets paid for visiting Dad. Visiting is a family duty. Some will visit often and some will not. This is up to the individual. But if brother is getting paid to give Dad his medicine, then it's OK for him to come and leave without visiting. That's not what he's paid for.

If Dad doesn't agree to pay, remind him that the alternative is a paid caregiver, which is typically $25-$30/hour, with a 4 hour minimum. And the alternative to that is Assisted Living. It may be his preference that this occur.
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