Should my husband and I pay my mom for living with and caring for her?

My parents had a live in caregiver through a agency, $5500.00 a month. It was either that or a nursing home. My husband and I are now the caregivers. We rented out our house and left all our friends, church, basically our life, to care for them. My husband is slowly, because my mom hates change, repairing the house. Once when she was in the hospital for 4 days he tore off the leaky, moldy family-room roof and ceiling. By the time she got home he had already reroofed and was starting the drywall. She would have never allowed it if she had been there but we didn't ask we just did it. My dad, who is now passed, must have really wondered what all that racket was from his hospice bed. And i do all the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, watering ALL those potted plants (they never planted anything, just in case they moved), driving mom to dr's, watering (oh yea I said that). This is are FULL TIME job, 24/7. And my mom pays us, not what the agency charged, but there is pay. If you have taken on the care of your parents then you should get a salary in accordance to the amount of care you give. It sounds like they think they are providing for you, If you weren't there would they have to go to a home? Good luck but you and your brother and parents need to talk and get it all worked out.

I have to pay 17.75 an hour for 8 hrs a day for someone to "help" my 86 year old mother with housework, preparing meals, washing her clothes and helping her with toileting. Perhaps $12 an hour would be more fair unless you do any hands on personal care.

Have her cost out what it would be or what you do for her and she can tell you how much your room and board adds to her cost. Then subtract and see who owes who.

Oh DJ you and your husband really are saints. You didn't mention it but it sounds like you both need a break. Please find home health that could come in for just a day like maybe 10 hours and go have some fun! I really think your Mom might change her tune if she saw what you do.
I don't know your financial situation but she really should be paying YOU if it doesn't create a severe hardship for her. Goodness what about your financial future? I know money is such a touchy issue for all of us.

Even if your mother never appreciates one thing you do, you will recieve your reward in heaven.

Please take a break for your own sanity! God Bless.

DJ - The two of you are selfless and have gone above and beyond for your parents. I'm sure all of us here admire your generosity but...perhaps it's time you and your husband started thinking about YOURSELVES and consider moving your living parents to assisted living. Once the health issues of parents start to increase the risk of injury to them and TO YOU increases. Can you get them up off the floor without injury to yourself? Can you get them in/out of the tub? For the sake of your own health when you are their age, perhaps it's best that someone else provide the medical care now. You can still visit regularly, take them out, tend to them but you'll be able to enjoy their company and spend better time if someone else does all the physical tending. The constant stress of such care giving, worrying about repairs and manipulating to keep mom happy (doing a major repair in 4 days??!!) ages us considerably - and we don't realise it until years later. If you lived in the same place for 43 years and gave it up, that means you're at last 43+18 or 20, retirement age. I'm not that age but realize now that I have bad sciatic nerve problems and bulging disks - all because I insisted that I could lift mom in and out of her wheelchair, the tub and car. I'll suffer with it for another 30 years.... it's okay to think of yourselves, your kids and grandkids need some of your time and attention too. Spend as much time on the future!

I had to read your post several times to make sure I was getting it right. If you are providing all this wonderful TLC...stop paying her now. Get some local estimates for in-home or paid caregiving and tell her that you are "even Steven." (in fact, you are probably still getting the short end.) Whatever you would pay in rent to live there is a pittance compared to the care you are providing if they had to pay for it. If she fusses, hand her the brochures to all the lovely assisted living centers and see how little they offer "for free."
Woweeee....I thought I had heard it all. Note to Elders: let's be a little more grateful for caring family members by honoring and respecting them.

Amen, Lilliput!

Wow! I still can't get past reading that your brother is supportive in his position that mom should be paying you! Too few siblings like that.

Isn't that the truth debmed1256? That was uplifting to just read that a sibling would stand up on behalf of the primary caregiver in such a way. That is one understanding sibling of what all a caregiver faces day in and day out. If only others understood as much about caregiving!

If your Mom had moved in with you, you could be charging her for room and board! So you should be able to be compensated for living with and taking care of her. Of course that all depends on how much you actually have to do for her. Does she have dementia and need constant care, or does she just want someone around so she is not alone? I agree that most of her $ would be gone in no time if she were in a nursing home.
Are either you or your husband also holding down a job? There are so many variables to consider. Please give more info on your situation.

First of all , I commend you and your husband for stepping up and taking care of your parents , however, YOU moved in with her --- so that means you don't have mortgage/rent , electric/gas ,trash removal ,phone and etc... bills .Of course you should be paying her . If not to help with bills then just out of common decency . I took care of my mom through cancer and my father through his dementia and even though it gets hard at times we should never take advantage of our parents' age or illnesses.