Patient with dementia has a new physical problem everyday. How do I handle this?

My mom is 89, has many physical complaints as well. She has degenerative arthritis of the spine and severe scholiosis, has been on heavy duty narcotics for 3 years, now has a pain pump. Most recently, her heart issues started again and has had a pace maker put in. She goes further down and recovers less every time something happens. She is almost never without some sort of pain or severe discomfort. She has also lost much personal dignity because of all the help she requires from myself and my sister in her daily personal care.

The current health care system does not help the elderly. What I have noted both in hospitals and with physicians that they tend to treat the elderly no different than younger folks. They prescribe the same dosages of medicine even though every RX I read states that side effects are much more severe in the elderly and it takes longer for the med to clear their systems. When my mother was in the hospital recently, they wanted to do 3 major tests and procedures one after the other, when one made her so weak and exhausted, she could barely stand up. I had to threaten withdrawing consent to get them to allow her rest in between.

My mother has always been a person with great personal strength but daily struggles with health issues and coping with chronic pain issues have stolen all of it. She speaks of wanting to die every single day.

I say all this because I too have feelings that sometimes my entire life is consumed with caring for my mother and advocating for her in a sometimes chaotic and uncaring health system, and even indulge in self pity sometimes because of it. I have given up church activities and other social activities, and even a lot of my own health care ( as I am 65 myself, but healthy thank the lord). I try each time I am down to remind myself of all that my mother has lost: her dignity, her husband and the home that they shared, my brother who died of heart failure at 39, the activities she enjoyed such as exercise, reading (she also has macula degeneration and has lost most of her sight), and countless other things. I remind myself of all that she did for me when I was a child, a young adult who still needed the guidance, wisdom, and yes sometimes money of my parents. I think of all that, get up, and take each day at a time, get through the bad ones, enjoy the few times when mom does feel OK, ask God for strength every day, and go on. What else can we do?

People with dementia do focus on things often for weeks at a time, and then it suddenly disappears. Much to the chagrin of the poor person listening
Obviously his bowel problems need dealing with as that sounds to be a physical problem esp with the blood loss. Meanwhile to 'treat ' that see that he has sufficient fibre in his diet and yes check that he isn't constipated.
Yes you have to decide for him [and you] what complaints need treating. as an example, I use the number 3... if its really painful, getting worse, not letting me be alive, then I wait 3 mins, [that would be broken bone, chest pain] IF its moderate like vomiting, pain from a sprain. then wait 3 days.. and if a new chronic type problem starts up but apart from knowing its there and not getting worse I wait 3mths. or the next visit to the doc.
I agree with the others for your own health and sanity, you need to set time aside for yourself. Can he spend a day at a facility that gives you a break, so that you can walk down the street, and just look in the shop windows and go have a coffee somewhere etc, or go for a jog.
AS for the physical exercises. IF he no longer has that 'problem' then let the matter lie and stop them... he wont remember, he wont get better because of them, and it is only another thing for YOU to cope with.
good luck

"I feel as though my entire life has been snatched from me."

Yup. In many ways it has been. To have your life partner, your soul mate, your other half become your dependent is absolutely life-changing. If it weren't his aches and pains that were driving home this reality it would be something else. Not only do you now have to care for him, decide for him, think for him, you also have to take over whatever tasks he used to perform.

My mother has dementia. It is sad. It is stressful. But it doesn't hold a candle to the stress level (for me) of my husband having dementia. One person gets dementia but the whole family suffers from it, and the spouse suffers in more intimate ways.

So I offer you hugs. And a little snippet of advice. You MUST retain at least some of your own life. And, yes, this just adds to your to-do list and is another source of stress, but it must be done if you want to end this journey sane and with enough energy to reclaim your life on your own. I suggest the first area you carve out is your own health routines. Except for an actual emergency, put those things first. Get some "me" time on a regular basis.

One thing I wish I'd done differently is to have gotten more help and earlier in the journey. When I got it it made a world of difference. My husband went to an adult day health center a few days a week. And when he declined too much for that, we had a personal care attendant four days a week at home. The PCA helped him with the exercises the PT gave him to do. It helped to know that I was in charge of his care but that I didn't have to do every minute of it myself.

Dementia in a spouse can snatch your entire life from you if you let it. Resist. Hang on to as much of it as you can. Some things you may have to defer until your caregiving role is over. But don't let be everything.

Best wishes to you.

i agree with pam and jesse. my moms idea of conversation has always been her health complaints too . when it'd get too overwhelming id tell her there were people living on the streets in worse shape than her and no money to even buy medicines . slam your old man with a few of your own hard realities in order to put his into perspective ..

Campy, it was the same way with my mother. It has gotten better as her mind has become worse. Some of her complaints were real and needed medical attention. Others were because she fixated on something until it became a terrible symptom with her. We spent a lot of time at doctors for a couple of years. To save my sanity I learned to filter through what was doctor-worthy, what was home-remedy-worthy, and what was worthy to be ignored. I have always worried about it, though. What if I was overlooking something that was important. So far, so good when it comes to judgment. We have a nice option near us that I use to comfort her. An urgent care clinic is about 4 blocks away. I tell her if it gets worse, we'll just run up there. We've done that twice when it was needed. I love the urgent care places. They are great when an ER is not called for.

He is bored and self-obsessed. Stop running to the doctors. Tell him you'll bring up the hemmorhoids, knees and fingers at the next office visit. By then he will be "cured" of his maladies. He just wants to be the center of your attention. He is very good at controlling you.

Thank you for your advice - but the problems aren't itching arms or stomach ache. First, every time we try to go somewhere - ANYWHERE - he starts running to the bathroom and ends up with bleeding hemmorhoid. I've talked to the doctor, but he won't do anything about them (even though he knows they are there) unless we first have a colonoscopy. The last attempted colonoscopy the doc couldn't get all the way, so did a barium enema later,which was ok. Now, they send him to a specialist a month ago and he can't do the scope until the end of July.

Next he complains daily about his knee hurting. The doctor ordered an X-Ray, which we've heard nothing about yet. The latest is a finger on his right hand that won't open up. We've started with a PT to see if therapy will help. That's a trip to Rehab every other day. Meanwhile, he's had to have four iron infusions - loss of blood unknown. He also got new dentures in the middle of all of this.

Maybe that gives you just a little idea of the trips I make. And this is causing me NOT to be able to keep up with my own health - exercise,etc. I have dropped out of everything I ever did for enjoyment and vacations. I'm 4 yrs. Younger than my husband and, so far, am in good health. I feel as though my entire life has been snatched from me.

It would depend upon what his complaints are. "My arm is itching" isn't in the same category of complaints as "my chest hurts".

You can't run to the Dr. every time your husband has some minor complaint. For example, if he complains of a stomach ache try to Pepto or an antacid. Give him some Advil. Try a little Miralax. If you've done all of these things and he's still complaining that would be the time to call the Dr. But use your own best judgement first. See if you can alleviate the problem yourself first before running to the Dr. If not, call for an appointment. No one goes to the Dr. for every little thing that comes up on a daily basis. When I cared for my dad he had multiple health issues and while he wasn't a complainer I had to prioritize his health issues. A bruise or cut that wouldn't heal wouldn't get my attention as much as blood in the toilet would. And that cut I'd treat with Neosporin and a bandaid and just keep an eye on it for a few days.

And I'm sure you can always call his Dr. and ask the nurse for an opinion. Or call a nurses hotline for an opinion. But you shouldn't have to run to the Dr. everyday for some minor thing that your husband doesn't even remember complaining about.