Partner is living with and caring for anxious mom. Do I have no right to talk about my emotions when his mom is in this state? - AgingCare.com

Partner is living with and caring for anxious mom. Do I have no right to talk about my emotions when his mom is in this state?

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About three weeks ago my partner's mother had a panic attack, fell in her home, and broke a rib. A friend of hers took her to the hospital. My partner drove over there (we live four hours away) and the hospital psychiatrist determined that she was on too many medications. So they took her off of her meds, which led to withdrawal symptoms. My partner also thinks she was suffering from hospital delirium (extremely confused). Then her regular psychiatrist got involved and put her back on the benzodiazepine to normalize her. She hasn't been diagnosed with anything specific, to our knowledge. She suffers from "nervousness," as she calls it. My partner arranged for her to be placed in assisted living for a short time since she was very confused, couldn't take care of herself, and had trouble taking her meds. She was placed in assisted living. The night my partner came home, she called him and said she was thinking about suicide. The assisted living staff became so scared that they called for an ambulance. My partner drove back there, and once he arrived, she became better at once. Meanwhile the assisted living place kicked her out because she was too difficult (keeping staff up all night talking about what made her nervous, arguing about taking her meds, etc.) Since then my partner has been taking care of her. He took a leave of absence from work, so he is not earning any money. He doesn't come home to visit; he is with her 24/7. He says her confusion is gone, and she has stopped threatening suicide. Except for the night she wanted him to sleep in her bed with her. He said no, and she said maybe she will harm herself then. But he wants to remain with her. He says she still isn't capable of taking her meds correctly and could fall again at any time in her home. He has arranged for people to come by sporadically throughout the week to help her shower, spend two hours with her in the mornings, that kind of thing. His mom is on a waiting list to get into an outpatient treatment program at a hospital, but he doesn't know the logistics yet (which location to go to, will her insurance cover it, how will she get there and back). He wants to be with her to help make the phone calls. Her sister is arriving this week and staying for two days, but he says he will remain there. His mom has a history of emotional manipulation, so it's hard to know how much of this is real and how much she is playing up to get him to remain there with her. She has never liked living alone. For his part, my partner feels good that he is helping her. It's feeding something inside him. Whenever I ask him if he plans to come home this week, he says "I don't know. This is a dynamic situation." Meanwhile I am feeling neglected (terribly selfish, I know). He says he is "consumed" by his mom and her situation and can't take on anything else -- which includes me and our relationship. What do I do? Just let him do his thing and stay there? It's going on three weeks now with no sign of the situation changing, except he says she is getting better. No longer confused or suicidal, just nervous, which is her normal state. He said early on he needs to be with her because she's in crisis mode, but now that she is no longer in acute/crisis mode (he told me), he is still there living with her and caring for her. He has no plans to come home. Meanwhile I am having panic attacks and feeling sick every day. Should I just stop thinking about how this is affecting me/our home/our relationship? Do I have no right here to talk about my emotions when his mom is in this state? It feels like I am losing my best friend. I guess I could use a reality check from others who are in this situation or who have been through it. Thank you!

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