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PART2: Button down shirt, sneakers etc (a woman who swears she can't do these things) insisting that she will leave. I’ve managed to keep that from happening mostly by telling her I’ll call the police to help me and by staying with her all hours for fear she’ll try to leave down the two flights of stairs and get hurt. Sunday night she managed to get out and down the stairs within no more than a minute when it takes nearly 5 minutes to get her down those stairs when taking her to appointments. When I found her on the sidewalk and took her arm the way I always do when helping her walk she wobbled around and yelled and looked at me in terror as though I was trying to what? Make her fall? Attack her? It’s not the first time she’s behaved in such a way at nothing but that one was way over the top. I convinced her to come home only by threatening to call the police.
The list goes on…
Thing is that in between these episodes are several days to at least a week of her going on what a Godsend I am…that I work so hard for her and she’s so grateful for me. then suddenly its that I do nothing, I don’t love her, she is afraid of me, she doesn’t feel safe, etc.
Along with all that and then some is…well, I have a security camera on my porch and in my living room that feeds through wifi and over data on my phone or laptop. I’ve caught her several times doing things she claims she cannot do such as writing clearly with her “paralyzed arm”, forgetting her cane-walking weakly but fine, dragging her cane behind her with said arm, dropping something and bending way over to pick it up, etc. when therapists are here or when at doctor’s office she’s suddenly unable to speak even half sensibly or walk or so much as lift her hand.
It is so incredibly draining and I dare say traumatizing. All the time wasted on nonsense then trying to function while walking on eggshells after no sleep at all, no bath at times for 3-4 days at a time, literally falling to sleep in my food when I finally get to sit down and eat. She could care less. She smirks and rolls her eyes, gives a little evil snicker and such. Again the list goes on and here’s the thing, before anyone says this is stroke related or early stages of dementia; while that may be so to some degree this is the woman I remember most of my life. It was only the past 4ish years she’s behaved like a normal human being…up till she was in my home and I didn’t do what she wanted when she wanted or she felt jealous when I was happy about something (literally sour face when I’m smiling/laughing with SO or even with her!) the icing on the cake is today she told all three of her therapists lies about me, that she is afraid/not safe/stealing/drunk all the time/screaming at her/angry/etc. Luckily I have the camera footage that shows it’s the other way around & they didn’t seem to believe her. That didn’t stop my heartbreak/nearly catatonic now for hours/couldn’t stop crying. This is toxic. I even vomit several times a week for no reason. How can I get her out of my home?

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I am, in fact, not reading part II. I got it at Part I.
Now please call EMS and have her taken to the closest ER and put on a 5150 psychiatric hold. She will be evaluated and diagnosed. She needs to be placed. Refuse to take her home. Tell them you are frightened of her, and frightened of what you could do with what she is doing. Tell them that you are neither mentally nor physically able to care for her and she must have placement.
Social workers need to be put onto getting her placement right away.
Or, just continue on as you are.
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Lucee55 Aug 14, 2019
Thank you AlvaDeer. I didn't know of such options. I did tell her PCP and Social Worker but they lumped it into "normal" and hang in there...in a nutshell. Truly thank you. I don't live like this and won't do it anymore.
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Now, Lucee55, Part 3. Our friend, AlvaDeer, one of the most intelligent people on this forum, has spent a good while formulating and posting an answer to your (as you described it) vent. When you post a Part 3, we now expect you to tell us you have taken the steps AD has outlined and Mother is now in a facility. We expect to hear that the feelings of fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) have cleared and you and your partner have resumed your relationship. We DO NOT expect a post saying nothing has changed and you’re now even more burned out and what can you do. Good luck. You have the tools to effect a resolution. Now, use them.
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Oh my gosh, it’s like reading my own question, and I sympathize like you wouldn’t believe. My godfather doesn’t switch personas, per se, but wants me to believe he can’t do anything for himself. I even said “he acts like his arms are painted on the instant he sees me” So everyone here plus my therapist said stop doing it all. Mine also laughs and makes selfish remarks when I sit down in pain (I had a recent surgery and it’s not going so well with all the help he “seemingly” needed but actually didn’t). I wonder what goes through their minds? I’m so sorry yours is so outspoken towards you, it sure makes it hard to help, thankless too, The snickering?, seriously?? that’s terrifying and creepy. If she made it down 2 flights of stairs, she plenty capable of hurting you, and I’m not talking about your feelings. I’d ask her primary care Dr what they suggest about a mental evaluation. Maybe early stages of something, I don’t know as I’m new here too. But personally I’m scared for you! What would happen if you let her go? If she walks out...how do the police handle her? I’d have a hard time doing it personally but maybe not if he were outwardly degrading me and lying to people, that seems like she wants you to catch a case for elder abuse and that’s not ok!!!
Constantly I feel like I’m his whipping post and I’m advised to walk away! I did it yesterday for the first time, I did what I was told by everyone, I walked out!!!!
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Lucee55 Aug 16, 2019
PowerOf3 thank you! While I hate to learn you are experiencing something so similar, it is always helpful to hear from/communicate with someone who completely understands from personal experience. I'll look for your intro/story as soon as I have a chance. Oh and I did speak with her PCP, the social worker, her therapists...gotten no where so far...basically as Alvadeer said. Except one therapist (speech) who wants to help so badly but still not helping. I'm getting mother out of my house. The only reason I haven't called for a 5150 yet is because I moved her to Texas where she's never lived before and knows no one AND I've been there...checked myself in to a psych ward many years ago in early 20s...supposed to be able to leave when I wanted but it took a lawyer to get me out. not one time did I see a doctor-the nurses kept me so drugged on meds i didn't need that I couldn't wake up enough to walk for 12 hours at a time then it was time to take more...not getting up and interacting/eating/showering meant (according to them) that I have to stay longer. Not taking the meds meant I had to stay longer. It was a horrific and no win situation. I was on the verge of calling for the 5150 when i thought about that. But I have two other things in the works to get her out and fast so I need to get back to it.
May I ask what you mean by walked out? For good or just walking away from an unreasonable "argument"?
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Sounds like dementia/mental illness. Any chance of getting a psychiatric evaluation?  There are many medications that can help mentally ill people, for dementia not so much.  As to getting her out of your home - there are options.  Should she need to go to the ER, then you can tell staff that she cannot come back to your home. You can no longer care for her in your home and she must be placed.  Unsafe discharge - that seems to get their attention. They will make promises about getting you help - you must simply refuse and keep saying "she cannot come back into my home".
Ultimately you may need to consult an elder law attorney and find out what the requirements are for eviction ...notify APS that she is a vulnerable adult. You are going to meet resistance, unhelpfulness, but persevere.
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Lucee55 Aug 18, 2019
thank you. the only thing i haven't yet done is contact aps i guess knowing it would get me no where. i'll keep hammering it home to all until i have no choices left but to have her placed "unsafe discharge" and such
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One more thing Lucee, I knew my godfather was still sick and worried they wanted to free up his bed I went to speak with Aftercare Planner. She told me I can refuse to sign his release or discharge. If I do that then they are required to figure out his safety. So I’m not signing it, not taking responsibility nor will I allow his games. I can handle things from afar and I will. But I’m not subjecting myself to being abused for his amusement. Period! Don’t sign her release and stay the course on your two leads. Hugs from California
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EssieMarie Aug 17, 2019
Hi there, I read your response to caregiver about not signing release papers to discharge mom from hospital. When my mother was in the hospital with pneumonia but ready to be discharged; the social worker asked if I wanted her to go to a rehab for complete recovery. I said yes but she told me my mother refused to go. So next time if I ask the social worker to place her in rehab, will she have to go since I did not sign discharge papers? Is this for every state? Thanks.
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Something has to be done to get caregivers the help they need. Often the CG is desperate to find solutions and there are really no solutions for them other than get them somehow to a hospital, then let hospital find the solution.

It is a growing problem here, and I would imagine everywhere that policy allows. What is the solution? I don't know. But it will get worse before it gets better unless caregivers are taken care of.

Here is a link to a story about the issue. Google stranded elderly.

https://www.9news.com/article/news/local/investigations/man-with-alzheimers-sent-on-one-way-flight-to-denver-among-scores-of-patients-stranded-in-hospitals/73-613906543
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Lucee55 Aug 18, 2019
Wow gladimhere, thank you for the thoughts and the link. i was feeling guilty for feeling guilty to "baker act" or 5150 my mother. You quantified the complex nature of the situation...OF COURSE i feel guilty even entertaining the thought because i don't want her to wind up like this poor guy. And I KNOW that is exactly how it would go. And finding any other help seems impossible. I've been at it night and day but it is as if everyone just shrugs it off as "its tough but it will pass" NO IT WON'T. its damaging both of us...i'm only one human being. so tired...so so so very tired and broke and now have to go deal with trying to find shelter for us before we are evicted...and i live in a town that is celebrated for its massive resources yet they're overburdened and i feel as if we are BOTH discarded. at any rate, i'll figure it out. she needs more than i can give her and i plan to make that abundantly clear...FML
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