I am a 75-year-old male with Parkinsons (early stages). My wife (age 74) and I have no biological children between us but she has 2 adult children. I am on good terms with her 2 kids but not real close. They are undeniably partial to her. I have 2 adult sisters but they are not very responsible and live about 1,000 miles away. We have no close friends as we are new to the area where we live. My wife wants us to create wills leaving all of our assets to her 2 kids upon both of our passing. I wouldn’t be so opposed to this except I want to make sure there is a provision in my will for my guardianship should she pass before I do and I become incapacitated due to Parkinsons. She has assured me that if this scenario occurs that her 2 kids will make sure I am cared for. I am not as confident of this as she is. I am a little concerned that her 2 kids will be scarce to me once their mother is gone since I am not blood related to them. So far as I know, she has not spoken about this to them and when I bring it up, she just dismisses me with some statement like “I’m not planning on dying anytime soon” or “I’m believing God is going to heal you of Parkinsons, so you won’t need anyone to take care of you”. Yet, she continues to pressure me about getting a will done to make sure the kids are taken care of. What should I do? Is there a way to handle this in a will?
I cannot believe your wife thinks you would be cured somewhat. So far nobody survived Parkinsons disease, nobody dies from it but there are complications in latter stages.
And for over 60 years there is really one effective medication, there are some other but apparently not as effective.
I can write forever as my husband has PD for over 15 years.
But for 7 years or more he was fine, except he took few pills. And we basically did not dwell on this disease, I have not one regret, we enjoyed life, traveled the world, socialized, stayed active. He exercised 2 hrs almost every day until about 2 years ago.
One advice I can give you do everything you want to do right now and in the next few years. Enjoy life and don’t dwell too much on the disease.
It will progress. Nobody knows how and when.
In last five years my husband had several treatments, surgeries, shots, tests, therapies. It is costly.
Right now he is in respite facility and he is going to AL. It is costly. So do what is right for you.
In the last year or so his progression is faster. Turns out his is not typical Parkinson’s with tremors and dementia, but more of autonomic dysfunction so much worse and could be even worse.
Protect your assets, your wife seems to make plans for you and her children.
Your will is your choice and nobody’s business.
I believe my husband stayed healthy for long long time with eating extremely healthy, not drinking, and exercising and going to tropical places every winter for several months. Vit D is crucial. It is just my opinion, nothing scientific although his neurologist agreed it all helped as he really was doing well.
With his type of PD life expectancy is shorter maybe around 10 years, but generally Parkinson is long disease, could be 20+ years.
You have now a condition that will progress and which may become something for which you require costly placement. Find out how best to do this whether through Trust or Will. Get your options. You may choose to do this with wife as well, as long as options for YOURSELF and YOUR ASSETS or your one half of assets are decided by you.
Your wills are separate. You can't control what she does with hers. She could leave everything that's hers to her children, so plan as it that is going to happen. Then consider it a happy surprise if she leaves something to you.
The question you have to deal with, then, is your joint assets. Who owns your house? Is it in both of your names, or just one? If both, how is it titled? For example, if your wife dies before you, does her share go to you, so you can keep the house and the equity, or will it go to her children, who could force you to sell it so that they can get their share of the equity?
The same applies to any joint checking accounts. If she adds one of her children to it, she can designate them to just have signing authority on her behalf, or it could be that the child becomes a co-owner of the money when you wife dies. Who are the beneficiaries on policies like life insurance or investment accounts?
Instead of resisting going to get your wills done, go now. Meet with the lawyer together, so you understand what your wife wants to do and plans to do and has authority to do. Then meet with the lawyer on your own to make sure that YOUR will covers what you will need, without relying on your stepchildren. Go over the possible scenarios and address them. This will give you peace of mind going forward.
"I want to make sure there is a provision in my will for my guardianship should she pass before I do and I become incapacitated due to Parkinsons."
You don't need her permission to put this in your Will, but if you're expecting her kids to be both your guardian/caregiver and trustees -- that's a lot of responsibility and they need to be local, willing and capable of doing this. And there needs to be accountability. My nere-do-well SFIL was a trustee for his mentally handicapped cousin, who's parents were very wealthy. Along with my SFIL they also had an attorney as trustee and legal guardian for her. It was a smart move for accountability.
If you don't create a trust, then you can be each other's beneficiaries on your bank accounts and assets. Then the money goes directly to each other and is outside the Will. The house would be a different story -- a question for the attorney.
Maybe you need to consult with the CELA first by yourself so that you can feel free to express some really touchy concerns without your wife being present. It seems to me she's hoping God heals you so that *she* won't have to take care of you.
May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you put a plan in place.
This ensures your needs are met first, and only the remaining money would pass to her children later, giving you protection rather than relying on promises.
You also need to sign a Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare to name someone you trust to make medical decisions for you.
Nobody is planning on dying anytime soon, until they're gobsmacked with a stage 4 cancer diagnosis out of nowhere and given 2 months to live. That happened to me at 65 back in 2023 but my life was saved with immunotherapy. For now, anyway.
Your money needs to be set up for your care first and foremost. Please see a lawyer to get that all in writing asap. If your wife has an issue with this, that's unfortunate. The whole purpose of working our butts off our entire lives is to have funds for care in old age. Not to believe in idle promises made by step children you barely know who have busy lives of their own. It's a good idea to get into a senior continuum of care community now so that as you need care, you can move accordingly. My cousins bought into such a place and live in Independent Senior Living. Now the wife has Alzheimer's and my cousin can move her into Memory Care when needed.
Wishing you the best of luck.