How does your parent treat you when you have to put them in a care facility?

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My husband has placed his mom, 94, in a dementia care facility, for her own safety. It has been hard on him, because he didn't really want to do it. And it's hard on my MIL, because she thinks she doesn't need to be there!? I was reading the posts and saw a comment that I am going to tell my husband when he gets home from seeing his mom. It went llike this "Either you manage your parent or they manage you, you decide what you need to do". I think this comment reflects what we need at this time! I see my husband being pushed from pilar to post, whenever his mom needs anything! And he does it, all without question? He has a sister who has washed her hands of any responsibility in doing anything her mom needs, so the brunt of everthing goes on my husband. We also have a child (young teen) who very much needs his father right now. I can't play that role even though I've tried. Our son has had a lot to deal with in the past year and a half, lossing 2 grandparents and an uncle. He is failing in school and is disrespectful at home, I think his rebelling stems from all this adversity he has gone through, and our paying so much attention to the job at hand! What can we do to help this situation because we can't just ignore the fact that we HAVE to take care of his grandma right , and we have stressed that we love him as always but there are things we as parents have to do when we get older. We are all trying to just make it through this, but sometimes I wish I could crawl in a hole and stay there till this blows over....! I have said a lot of prayers and read many stories here that have helped me to cope somewhat with all this. Just need to vent a little I guess.....Thx

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kkinsel, We have placed her (mil) in care facility, she still refuses baths, but there is a new caregiver my hubby hired to come once a week just for bath/shower time. Our son is 14 1/2, he is at the stage where everything (he thinks) is against him , and no one understands how hard "he" has it!! Thank the good Lord , he gave me broad shoulders, cuz I couldn't have come this far without them....ha.ha! I have come through a lot and will go through a lot more, before it gets the best of me! This site has helped me to vent and get answers to many Q's in Elder Care. So I'm here for the duration. Thank you and God bless
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I can relate to this story. My Dad just went in to a nursing home a few weeks ago. He got very violent. He called the police and a couple of attorneys and threatened to sue my sister that has gaurdianship that put him there. He doesnt like to shower either and went a whole month without one. He just wouldnt calm down so the nursing home sent him to a geriatric mental hospital. There he has received counseling and medication for his memory loss and has calmed down a lot. He is starting to accept his situation though I know there will be more battles this has helped tremendously. Maybe you should ask the nursing home if they have a program like this in your area. My Dad did not get a choice since he threatened sucide but maybe there is something else the nursing home can do for your Mother-N-Law. Hope things get better for you. I agree your son needs his Dad right now and he can't be in two places at the same time. Tell him she will get better care in the nursing home than he could possible give her and most times they adjust and end up thanking the person that put them there. Good luck
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Dear beachybeauty, Yes, we and the care givers have tried everything! We went and bought all the nessesary equipment one would need. you know, shower mat (non slip), hand held shower, in and out chair ,etc..! All in order to make it as safe as possible and to ,so she could do either shower or bath. Whatever she was most comfotable with at that time. She is even resistant to bed baths!!! I like what your caregiver said to your mom...Do it or i call 911....that made me laugh for the first time in I don't know how long!! Maybe this is the trick we need to use?! Thx for the advice....we appreciate all. Hugs and Godbless
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Like JessieBelle said, the first weeks of a change are the toughest. I hope your family can endure her adjustment. And Beachbirdie's mom's caregiver with the choices - that is good stuff. My husband did take a firm stance with his parents right away when he became their guardian. He assumed a parental attitude, was calm and didn't plan on losing any battles with them. They couldn't get around him by way of me, just like with your kids, you can't let them divide you.

In one way it is easier than raising the kids, he makes the final decisions and I just have to support those decisions. He always asks my opinion, which I appreciate, and I always support his final decisions (regarding his family) which he appreciates.
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Hi stressed mom...so sorry you are going through this but glad you found this forum, there is a lot of comfort in hanging out with others who are struggling with the same stuff!

As for the bathing, are they trying to get her into a shower? Is there any way they might get her to accept a bed bath? At least they'd be able to get those "critical" areas cared for.

For some reason a lot of older people just won't shower. My mom is one of them. She went over a month without a shower, and was flipping a really scary, violent fit when one of the caregivers was trying to get her in. Finally the caregiver told her "there are two choices here...either a shower, or I'm calling 911". Mom got in the shower.
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Just got a call from the care facility, my MIL is in, she now has a red "burn" on her "privates", since she refuses to bathe! Her son went down after work to talk with the nurse there, and find out about it?! We hired a caregiver to go in once a month to attend to this matter alone. But, they can't force her to bathe either!!!! Only "coax" her, and redirect?! I am so sick and tired of that phrase.......! Anyway we have to take her to see the Dr., and will mention that she is constantly refusing normal hygeine care, and gets very combative physically! Maybe her Dr. can offer us something to calm her down, so we can clean her up! She is taking an antidepprecent now and vitamins. She may need a larger dose or a change in medication? I don't know but will look into it..... Thanks for you input,.... it really helps the "tired" soul. Hugs and Bless you
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Your husband may want to not visit or communicate with his mother for a couple weeks to give her time to adjust. I know this sounds harsh, but it can be very beneficial during the adjustment period for Mil and your husband. Good Luck and Hugs to you and your family!!
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stressedmom, it sounds like you and your husband are doing exactly what needs to be done. People with dementia often do not realize their own limitations. She may feel that she can function on her own, but she needs supervision. Something else I have found for many old people is that they get tunnel vision so they can't see anyone but themselves. This is not saying anything bad about your MIL -- it happens to many. Not realizing their own limitations and this type of tunnel vision can certainly be hard on cgs, since we are the ones that often sacrifice to make up for the limitations.

The first few weeks may be very difficult in the care facility. I hope that she will adapt soon so that your husband doesn't feel guilty. And I hope that you can steer your son back on your side. Teenagers! You are not alone there. With a good foundation, though, they find their way back.
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