My parents (93 and 94) had to move into a (very nice) assisted living facility in October. Hard on everybody, not their plan, but Mom had a mild stroke in August and Dad couldn't take care of her. Neither could I, as I have several health issues of my own. I am the local child, my sibling lives in another city.
They're adjusting all right in many ways (although my mom thinks half the nurses are "mean"), but whenever they have a health crisis more often than not I'm still the one who gets called. This morning my dad had some weakness in an arm, and they called us asking if my husband might be able to take him to the ER and me come sit with Mom. I couldn't go, as I'm having a bad flare day. Hubby could take Dad, but Dad finally decided it was "just neuropathy" and decided against it. They did finally consult the PA at their facility, who said to just keep an eye on things and let Dad's doc know. (He's had a TIA before, and he's on blood thinners already.)
They haven't broken the pattern of "Mom can't stay by herself, you need to come" for these things. She's literally in an "assisted" living facility, and while she can't get up and move about much on her own, she CAN contact a nurse or aide for help (except "they don't come fast enough"). What would they do if we didn't live here?
I love my parents and want to be helpful, but my mom's stroke and all the subsequent stress (including the "preparing their house for sale" stress, much of which fell on me) has wrecked my already tenuous health, and my doctor says I need to try to keep stress levels down. How do I get across to my parents that they're safe and in good hands where they are, and we don't need to be the first go-to anymore?
You will get calls when your parents fall, thats a law. I got one at 6am telling me Mom fell out of bed. Do you have to go running, no. There is staff there who will watch over them. Everytime your asked to do something that an aide can do, tell Dad that. "You have an aide assigned to you push the call button " You may also remind Dad that you have health problems of your own that you can't be at his beck and call. This is why he is in an AL paying for someone to do what you can 't do.
(but if you show up to the ER they have to take you but you really don’t want to do that right now because it’s a sign there are no beds open)…
And if someone takes him to the ER he is going to sit with the infected for 12-24 hours before getting seen and he will be in a hospital hallway in a bed lined up for 8 or so of those hours.
This is why no, someone can’t just bring him to the ER. Those days are long gone.
My mom has said my dad sometimes mentions he wish they could just Go Home (and by that he means Heaven). But I think those are in their darker moments when they're tired and overwhelmed. I'm not sure how serious they are. My mom will fight to the end even if she's miserable, that's just how she is.
So yeah, we need to have the hard conversations now that they are so much closer to us needing to know what to do. It didn't seem so close 15 years ago (our family is long-lived), but now, yes, it's close and we have to know what to do when that day comes.
And y'all are also right in that I need to draw hard boundaries. I'm in my early 60s and hoping to make it another couple of decades, so really need to take care of my own health.
As far as mom not being "left alone" goes, shes never alone in AL. Contact the Social Director and ask her to encourage your mom to get out to the social activities daily. To make friends and rely on them when and if shes lonely. She's always safe in AL because shes never but a button press away from help.
She cannot expect immediate help unless it's an emergency, but they ALL do. My mother was chronically complaining about waiting for more than a few minutes for anything or anybody. As if she were the only resident they had and only her needs mattered. They become a lot more self centered and egocentric with age, truly they do.
Give them time to acclimate by NOT being their answer to everything, which forces them to rely on staff instead. It's the only way. Also keep educating them on procedures in AL. They WILL eventually adapt. Humans have an amazing ability to do that, especially when in a hotel-like environment with all their needs being met for them. We should all be so lucky in old age. Don't get to feeling sorry for them......there is no earthly reason for it.
Best of luck to you.
So, start by not answering your phone when they call. Let is go to voicemail. (Same if they call your husband, if they don't reach you.) The you can let the facility staff know what the issue is, and the staff can go check on your parents. The staff can call an ambulance, or have their on-call doctor/NP check on them, like what happened today. If one of them has to go to the ER, the staff can move the other one out into the common area or the activity area, to keep an eye on her or him.
Eventually your parents will, hopefully, learn to contact the staff first. Even if they don't, you'll get out of the stressful mindset of feeling like you have to be at their beck and call.
Talk with the manager and get a clear idea of who you should call for what. For example, when to call the assisted living director, and when to call the nursing staff, and who to call at night. The staff is used to this, good at assessing problems, and good at calming the residents down.
This is for discussion now with your parents, their doctors and the administration. First for parents. Are they still full code blue status and all heroic measures, or are they in more a palliative care situation, in which they do not wish any heroic measures? Important to know. Because currently they are going for every liittle things to ER.
I will be honest. Taking them to ER yourselves will have YOU and HUBBY and a parent in mid 90s sitting in ER forEVER. NOT good. If they need to go to ER (and weakness in arm could be a stroke that needs IMMEDIATE treatment with clot busters) then they go with 911.
It is time to tell the Administration that they may not wish to go to hospital. That if they do not, code status needs discussing. Time to discuss with parents and their docs. And time to stop being the on-call transportation. Ambulance called for problems. PERIOD.
Best of luck. Again, I am so glad they are in care.