I’m not sure how to feel about what is going on. It seems like I’m always feeling some what excluded. Mom passed away January 2024. Dad passed away January 2025 on the same exact day. They were married for 70 years. At Mom‘s service I didn’t feel like I could speak at the celebration of life service, instead I wrote a letter which my brother read. Dad passed away this year, the service is going be in a few days in February. I asked my brother to send me Dad's service information or where flowers can be sent from my office in Texas. He sent me a screenshot of the service announcement which was really nice. As I was reading through it, I see that my daughter is gonna be speaking - eulogy and life tribute and words from the family is my brother‘s son, daughter and my brother. I was a bit taken a back there’s no mention of me/my name anywhere on there. I was thinking maybe it’s because I couldn’t speak at mom‘s and I wrote a letter brother read it but I wasn’t even asked if I wanted to speak or if I could this time since now they’re both gone or if I wanted to write a letter to be read, I wasn’t given the opportunity to say yes or no. I called him and expressed that the flyer was nice and suited dad. He said his daughter made it. I asked him if they forgot to ask me if I wanted to speak or write a letter, he said no that was on him. He said he just didn’t think about it, I said how can you not think about asking me? I’m the daughter like you’re the son and my name not mentioned at all is heartbreaking. I said how does that make me look? Like maybe I don’t want to be a part of it when no one even knows I wasn’t even asked a question! This makes me feel bad and sad that I wasn’t included he said well they just got printed but you can still say something or write a letter if you want. He also told me it was the same for Mom‘s flyer. I told him I never saw that. I just got the little card which had some information about mom but I never saw a flyer or anything for Mom he said they just copied it from Moms for Dad. He told me he could send me a picture of it, I said no that’s OK (I felt devastated and wanted to end the conversation)but he sent it anyway. I looked it over and I was not mentioned in hers either, his family was but I didn’t even know that this flyer even existed. I didn’t get a copy of it, I didn’t see it. I guess it could be that I was so upset losing mom that I just didn’t see it. I don’t know how that happened I signed the guest book at church I didn’t see anything there, other than her picture and some information. My brother said that there was a box of them at the house and that everybody got one, I said well I didn’t. I never saw it. I guess that’s irrelevant at this point. I know that I still have the option to do a letter or even speak at the service but my name on the flyer like his family is and my daughter. Obviously my daughter was aware of what was going on but she didn’t say anything to me. I don’t understand. I was adopted at 4 days of age but that doesn’t matter or shouldn’t matter. Mom and Dad always told me they loved me very much and I felt it. They were my parents, they were the ones that raised me, took care of me and my brother. I’ve always been very appreciative, thankful and grateful for them. I don’t know why brother and his family are doing this. Is it that easy to forget to ask your only sister if she has something to say or wants to participate? I would never ever not ask my brother. I’m in Texas and they’re in Arizona yes it’s far but I feel I could still participate in someway, but he handled all the finances he handled things to do with the attorneys and moms care. I was not allowed any input, not asked questions to help or participate in any decision making. they’ve been living with our parents for about 8 years. This is just SAD to me.
What I should’ve said is the order of service not the flyer my error thank you.
Go to Americanadoptions.com for a list of support groups, if you'd like.
There's a private Faceook Group called "Adult Adoptees Support Adopted People"
All the best.
I needed this… I did not know such groups existed. I will definitely look into them. It is true that most people do not understand how somebody that is adopted feels deep deep down inside, it’s not a conscious choice of feeling. I believe it is something that is in grained in us, either from birth or whenever we are separated from birth mother. I’m not quite sure how that break/security happens, but it does. I certainly don’t want to feel that I’m treated a certain way because I was adopted, but there’s really no way around it. I don’t use being adopted as an excuse never have . I just know that I really don’t like being alone… BUT i’d rather be by myself than a group of lions, it’s solely for my self preservation and I’m OK with that. At 63 I still hold a lot at arms length. I’m happy to have had wonderful parents. A bit strict but I get it. We all do the best we can.
Best to you and thanks again
It also sounds like your biggest concern is “how will that look” when people don’t see your name on some flyer. You let your brother handle all the work of caring for your parents and planning the services and somehow what you want now is to look better to the other attendees.
As someone else replied here it’s not about my name it’s about my standing in the family as a daughter. Which is correct. I just did not have the right words to express what I really meant when I posted my original concerns.
btw… I asked over and over to help with anything and brother said they had it handled. So what was I supposed to do in that situation? I didn’t LET him handle everything that was his choice and I wasn’t given the same opportunity.
I am of course, saying all of these things without knowing if there are other issues, if he has excluded you before or if others have done so in the family. I am putting the best face on it, in hopes that is what is going on. That you are feeling things in a magnified way because of two recent enormous losses. He has been there hands on and so he is likely overwhelmed by all of this along with shocked at your parents' absence.
He’s done other things that have caused me to take several steps back because it hurts. Like when I told him (2017) I was going to move to AZ , to be close to mom and dad (we had already discussed and they were excited) so we could do things together, I’d stay with mom and dad, pay rent, utilities buy groceries etc while I looked for a job and home there. I had already talked to a realtor about selling my home in TX. It wasn’t long after that I was talking to Mom one day and she told me that they were moving furniture around I said why are you doing that, she said that they were moving their bedroom furniture to the guest room because my brother and his wife were moving in. (they only live a mile away, so now their kids live in their house and pay them rent). I was shocked and surprised!when mom told me. I said what about me? She said you can still come we’ll make room…there is no room…but that wasn’t the point it was that I feel brother beat me to something that was really important to me which I confided in him and he used it against me or at least that’s how I feel so I stayed in Texas with my pain. They lived there for free, paid for half the groceries. That’s what mom told me. He’s done other things too. So now, I keep my distance. I give grace and as much understanding as I can, then I have to walk away. I’m not mad, I’m hurt. I suppose it’s my coping mechanism. Deep down I have always been afraid of being alone and here I stand feeling alone and abandoned. But it’s ok I know what it is. It’s no one’s fault but it’s my reality. Too bad I now keep things at an arm length or more but I can’t deal with betrayal, although I really need him right now I just can’t go there.
Thank you again. Best to you
Please make your wishes known because oftentimes men need to be told the obvious 🙄
My condolences on the loss of your parents.
And yes, I think you're being too sensitive here. Your parents knew that you loved them and it doesn't really matter what other people think .
Your brother and his wife took care of your parents for the last 8 years, and handled everything for them so be grateful that they handled this too, even if your name was left off of the "flyer." You can still say what you feel you need to say about your dad at his funeral if it will make you feel better. Your name doesn't have to written anywhere for you to be able to do that.
Don't let this issue cause an unnecessary rift in your family as those rifts can be very hard to heal and fix after the fact.
Be the bigger person.
Thank you. I will always continue to be that bigger person. No, my name doesn’t have to be written anywhere, it was the order of service announcement, I just called it a flier.
I should have said my standing in the family not my name but either way it’s fine. I am grateful they helped our parents and our parents helped them
as well.