My parents can no longer care for my 91 year old grandmother. She is mentally abusive and it is taking it's toll on them. How can I help?

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My mother is suffering dearly at the hands of my manipulative grandmother. My grandmother verbally abuses both my parents on a daily basis. My father has been resistant to putting her in a home (we all feel guilty about it), but it has gotten to a point where it's either my mom or my grandmother. I am afraid for my mother's well being. She is suffering from major depression. We have been trying to convince my father to put his mother in a home so that my mom can heal. I know that my grandmother has Medicaid. I have contacted several resources and unfortunately, there are no beds available. And in some cases, wait lists are more than 2 years! I need guidance! How can I save my mom? How can I help find a suitable facility for my grandmother? I love my grandmother, but what she is doing to my parents cannot go on...

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If your grandmother has Medicaid call her social worker. They will pay for a home health aid or a Consumer dDirectedPersonal Assistance Program. They will pay for it and other home supplies. Call the social worker as soon as possible it takes a little time and paperwork but it is worth it.
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@cmagnum I think my dad is torn. Not an excuse, just an observation. He knows that it is no longer an option for her to be at home, yet feels like she will die once she is put in a home. I understand the guilt, but I can't allow the suffering anymore. It's tearing the whole family apart. Part of the problem is that my father's English is pretty good, but my grandmother's is non-existent. As far as the doctor goes, I am not sure what is being discussed at their appointments. I know that my dad has started the conversation many times with the doctors/social workers, but always stops the process. We have told my dad that from this point on, my siblings and I will be proceeding with the process.

His mother has always had a passive/aggressive or manipulative way. Don't get me wrong, I love her, but I don't love the things that she does. Growing up we didn't know any better, but as adults, we see it more. I know that her mother in law was very abusive to her as well. Not an excuse, but a fact. My dad knows and sees the toll that it's taking on my mother's health, but doesn't know how to deal with it. He is a stubborn man. He even blames my mom for not being able to ignore my grandmother's hurtful comments. Unfortunately, my mom is resistant to seeing a therapist, because she feels like no one understands. She feels my grandmother is one of a kind and there is no one who is in her situation. She is not taking any meds. My mom's mom was also verbally abusive. Basically, they all come from super damaged backgrounds.

I have been trying to find out if my dad has POA, he thinks he does, but I am not so sure. He does everything for her, but I don't know if he is officially the POA. He has a sister who he does not speak to, because she has been manipulated by my grandmother to think that my parents don't care for her well. My aunt is also very stubborn and verbally abusive. She coaches my grandmother into making my parent's life hell. Seriously, she was caught by my mom telling my grandmother to knock on every neighbors' door and say 'help me help me'. If they don't open the door, then call 9-1-1. My grandmother called 911 three times in one week! Yet, she won't move my grandmother into her home!! It's a pretty complicated situation.

So at this point, my siblings and I have decided for the sake of my parent's health, we need to move our grandmother out. We can't wait for other family to step up and help out with the situation (because they haven't yet)/. At the same time though, we don't know how we are going to be able to afford a NH or assisted living since MediCal won't cover her...So frustrating and overwhelming...


Sorry this became a rambling of sorts...
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@jeannegibbs We are exploring all of our options. We have looked in assisted living and nursing homes for my grandmother. She needs help with medications, using the restroom, and walks with a cane. She suffers from chronic abdominal pain, hypertension and and has an addiction to Ativan. She is in otherwise good health. She can walk, talk, and wreak havoc. I do believe that the best thing for everyone is to place her in a facility. We are trying to convince my dad that this is for the best.
The thing now is, we have looked at a couple facilities, and MediCal won't cover her because of the dementia. My grandmother is sharp, she has a very vivid memory. I sometimes wonder if her doctor just put down dementia because of her age (91). This is a really frustrating. At this point, I don't know what to do.
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One more thing. For your dad to allow his mother to manipulate and verbally abuse your mother which has put her into major depression is being abusive indirectly himself. That is not fair, right nor the kind of thing a loving husband would allow to happen to his wife. In other words, he needs to place your mom's health and his relationship with her as his wife above grandmother who is being so disruptive as well as damaging your mother's health. Sorry, if I'm too blunt, but I'm in a rare mood tonight. He needs to listen better to really understand this situation instead of listen to prepare how to reply.
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Where does your dad's guilt come from? Did he promise his mother to not put her in a nursing home? If so, this abusive situation warrants that promise being broken.

Has your grandmother's doctor said anything about where she needs to live and has someone told the doctor how she is at home? Maybe if your dad heard the need for a nursing home straight from a doctor.

Has his mother always been manipulative and verbally abusive?

Does your dad understand the toil this is taking on your mother's health? Has your mom had a heart to heart talk with your dad about this which will be very difficult given her major depression.

What depression meds is your mother on?

Who if anyone have durable and medical POA for your grandmother?

I wish you well in all of this.
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Are you looking at Assisted Living Facilities, or Nursing Homes?

What county/state do your parents live in?

What are your grandmother's impairments? What kind of care does she need?

All of you will be able to relate in a more loving way to Grandmother when you can go and visit her often, and leave if she becomes abusive.

So you have two tasks: 1) convince Dad, and 2) find a suitable facility.

Provide more information, and I'm sure you will get specific advice from our experienced caregivers.
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