My parents (80’s), brother and his wife came down for 2 week vacation.
We are all aware that Mom has accidents, but she told me in prior conversations that she hasn’t had any accidents in a while, which was wonderful to hear, since she’s told me dad yells at her when she has accidents and she feels bad.
Pretty much from arrival there were pee accidents, which I completely understand it happens. I’d clean up as soon as I notice it and so did others. I have slate floors and after many accidents and the rug in front of toilet was super wet, which I didn’t notice for days until I went to move it. I told my daughter I didn’t know what to do, since it’s being absorbed into the slate and around the bottom of toilet, all smelled awful. I had some puppy pee pads, she cut to fit around the toilet - ahhh this will help. It did and didn’t, because it ran under the pad or it missed the pad. I left the mop and cleaning supplies in the restroom for easy access.
Also she didn’t always wear underwear, I asked her to put some on, she didn’t. One time my sister in-law went to wrap moms legs the wraps were wet, I am sure with pee.
When I noticed she hadn’t bathed, I asked her if she’d taken her shower and she said she would take it later or the next day.
My sister-in-law got pads, but mom didn’t want to wear them.
2nd bathroom had pee on floor too. So down went a pad.
Little did I know that this was upsetting to dad and mom and brother-wife. I didn’t know until they all went back home. Mom called my daughter (32) to let her know I upset them and that she should know.
No one called me.
Dad says every time she went to the restroom I checked to see if there was pee on floor and I shouldn’t have left mop in bathroom etc etc. I hurt everyone’s feelings by putting pads down, mopping and cleaning. (actually I didn’t check every time she went)
Then brother called me (he had a lot to say) said mom only had a few drops on floor, it was only 2 weeks and I should have dealt with it, because they wiped my butt…. & I shouldn’t have made them feel bad….etc etc. I didn’t say much back, he was very combative and there was nothing I could say that would have been acceptable.
I did deal with it, I was trying to keep things clean. I live alone and keep things very clean and I didn’t want it all over the house and furniture.
I feel awful that I upset everyone, I didn’t yell or get upset - it just needed to be cleaned ASAP.
I need some advice, because no one is really talking to me, except the chastising from my brother….
Oddly enough mom and brother had a huge argument about him not wanting to smell pee the 15 hour trip here and mom told him it was her car and if she wanted to pee in it she could! He and my sister in law told my daughter this a few days after their arrival, when they went to get pads for her.
My brother and mom can have a big argument about this, but it’s not acceptable for me to clean, put pads down or leave mop and cleaning supplies out for easy access, instead of making many trips to access them.
Perhaps I am missing something.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thank y’all for listening/reading.
Take care.
What you can control: who stays at your house.
If anyone complains to you about their free lodgings or their hurt feelings (and third party feelings to boot!) say "I'm sorry the visit didn't go well it won't happen again". Because if someone wants to visit your town again they can act like adults and get a hotel.
NOT EVER. Children LEARN to use the toilet and parents are RESPONSIBLE FOR TEACHING THEM TO DO SO.
Your mother lied to you by implying that she had more control than she wanted to admit. She CHOSE to neglect herself even when help was politely offered.
I’m betting “brother” really put it on the line in the car.
DO NOT suffer over this. Your mother is demonstrating behaviors that are serious and have social repercussions.
If they are now home, leave these two weeks behind you. Don’t dwell on them.
Advise? Ignore the whole episode.
Mom needs to wear Depends adult briefs so these 'accidents' can be contained and so that she & everyone else won't have to suffer the indignity of 'embarrassment' on her behalf or on behalf of themselves. So that the 'accidents' won't happen anymore, plain & simple.
An open & honest discussion of The Facts needs to happen. The elephant in the room isn't going away b/c it's a touchy subject or b/c it creates the uncomfortable 'embarrassment' that nobody's happy with.
You know what they say about Denial? It's not just a river in Egypt.
Elders love to fight off the fact that they need to wear adult briefs in general. My mother did. She was about 89 years old & my DH & I had just taken her out to dinner. She was having a lot of trouble with urgency; the ability to 'hold it in' was getting tougher and tougher as the days went on. After dinner, she & I were in the elevator riding up to her apt in the ALF she lived in. Right then & there she peed. Fully and completely b/c she could not hold it in at all. There was urine running down her legs and all over the carpet in the elevator. She about had a cow. She was mortified and swore to God right then & there she'd start wearing Depends. And she did. She's 94.5 now and still wearing Depends.
It's time for all the 'adults' to talk about what's happening with mom, and how it's nobody's 'fault' that she's incontinent or that clean up's need to happen, one way or another. And how will you all be able to make mom understand it's time to wear adult briefs now, for everyone's sake, so she can go out in public and feel secure.
Good luck
They came with an incontinent woman to a home, and didn't protect that home by having the incontinent woman wear the appropriate underthings to prevent accidents in your home. I cannot see that you did anything wrong. I cannot imagine the condition of their home. And I would not have them back in these circumstances.
Do not apologize. She owes you one. Who thinks that is ok to do? Stop chasing after her and wait until she calls you. If she starts in on you....you need to take the lead and tell her peeing in your home is not acceptable and there are precautions she can take. Don't let her push this back on you as if you did something wrong.
It's what I was thinking and posted elsewhere - she takes it out on bro, bro takes it out on you. Since they live with mom and pop, perhaps they've become "used" to it and immune to the smell?
In no way does that make either behavior acceptable. I'd recommend you visit them, but stay in a hotel, unless you want to immerse yourself in their "home sweet home."
Your mother obviously is in denial over her incontinence problem, and your father needs to be the one who addresses it with her(calmly)as he is the one living with her. It's time to throw away her underwear, and replace them all with Depends. And she must be told she HAS to wear them, no ifs ands or buts.
And next time your family wants to get together for a 2 week vacation, make sure it's at your brothers house, so they will have to be the ones dealing with it.
This is the lesson that has to be taken from all this!!!
You aren't going to be able to change your mother. The others won't either, but that's their problem. Just reading that she wasn't even wearing underwear says trying the swap with incontinence briefs isn't going to work.
Although you've done NOTHING wrong, send apology card and flowers to mom and leave it at that. If she wants to get in touch, she will. If she doesn't, well, same as with the undies, you can't force her to.
Your brother didn’t care about keeping the peace. He was rude and insulting to you. He wasn’t even logical. Mom changed your diapers because that is what mom’s are supposed to do! That doesn’t give her a free pass to pee all over your home now.
Your brother is getting fed up with caring for your parents and is taking his frustrations out on you.
Trust me, I empathize with him for being frustrated with the situation but his jumping on you was extremely unfair to you. What on earth did he want you to do? Smile and be happy with the situation? I don’t know anyone who would have not been upset by pee all over their home.
All siblings have ups and downs. Same with parents and children, there will always disagreements, but it is not your responsibility to ‘keep the peace.’ Besides, they were guests in your home. Guests should be considerate of those who have generously invited them to stay in their homes.
I wouldn’t say anything to him. He didn’t listen before, so let him cool off and process the situation. I hope that he will contact you to apologize but I wouldn’t hold my breath. I hope that this will be a lesson for them and the issues will be addressed.
If they realize they have been handling this situation all wrong, then put the whole unpleasant experience behind you. If they are blasé about it, so be it. Still, don’t make a fuss about it. Carry on in your own life. You can’t change their behavior. Be at peace knowing that you haven’t done anything that was inappropriate.
I don’t understand why he would contact your daughter either. Why place her in the middle of this? I bet she didn’t appreciate being put in the middle.
If there is a next visit, they can make reservations at a lovely hotel nearby.
Stop trying to "keep the peace". Your mom needs more care than she is currently receiving.
The fact that that's not the conversation tells me that they are trying to use this trip as a diversionary tactic.
There is no such thing as ‘keeping the peace.’ Families need to work on solutions together instead of being stifled by one another. Stifling only leads to one massive blow up somewhere down the road, or in the worst case scenario, the relationship completely dissolves. It is sad but it happens because issues are never settled.