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My parents and I had to go to several furniture and hardware stores to buy some furniture for my new house, which I’ll move to in a few weeks. The first store we went to was when my parents started complaining about the quality of the furniture. As we left the store, we saw a car with a torn front bumper. And guess what? They started complaining again about how “people don’t care about taking care of their vehicle”. I tried reasoning with them that the driver might be on a tight schedule. My mom sarcastically replies “like you have?”. I replied to her seriously “yes”. Then both my parents laughed at me and mocked me over how I go to bed at five in the morning and don’t get up until 3 in the afternoon. The reason I do this is because I need to separate myself from these bozos unlike every other hour. And the way they laughed at me shattered me.


I tried my hardest not to cry in public but it all slipped out a moment too soon. Then my parents humiliated me by saying that I act like a two year old and proceeded to complain about more furniture over how they don’t match or they’re too expensive. There was one chair I wanted that cost three hundred dollars. Then my mom started manipulating me to not buy it because it was “expensive” and won’t last very long, yet the one she suggested cost a hundred dollars more. As we left the second store, my mom started berating me over how I ruin everything when my parents take me somewhere. I tried to reason with her again that it’s my opinion, but mom replied “and yet when everyone else says something, you don’t wanna hear it! We’re not paying hundreds of dollars a month just to get you a cheap looking recliner! And I don’t want to hear another word out of you, you spoiled little brat!”


I kept my mouth shut for the rest of the ride home until dad started complaining over how one of the stoves was made in China. I told dad that for the way he was acting I won’t be allowing him into my house. Dad laughed at my face and replied “and yet I paid thousands of dollars just to get you a house!”. We then went to a drive-thru, and dad started complaining over how the back window shield wipers will tear the car (in front of us) up and then about the prices of the food I was ordering. It was raining outside. I told him to stop being so negative. Then dad turned straight at me and screamed at me to shut my mouth and how he will say whatever he wants. I started crying again. Even worse, mom agreed with him and told me that they do everything for me and expect me to act like a decent human being.


I cried all the way home and for the rest of the night, just like every other night. We hardly got a thing done, and my parents blamed everything (even their own problems) on me. I cried until 5 am when mom screamed at me to stop my crocodile tears and get my butt in bed. I eventually stopped because there was nothing I could do but to endure the pain I’ve always received.

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My advice is to focus on becoming self sufficient. That will give you more ability to enforce your boundaries.

I suspect that they may not have prepared you to live independently. If so, it is now your responsibility to figure out what you don't know and how to learn it. There is plenty of information out there on "how to adult." Use your local library to access ebooks on personal finance, cooking, first aid, how the components of cars and homes work, and all kinds of self help.

I am a little concerned that you are being pressured to buy a bunch of new furniture. If this is coming out of your own funds, remember to weigh the value of having nice things against the desire for financial independence.
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Reply to Frebrowser
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Hi, SS! Where I am, a learner driver has to be accompanied by an adult with a full license. It often is a parent (I got my first gray hairs that way with my own daughters), but it doesn’t have to be. Would it be worth double checking the rules, in case you can have someone else accompany you? Or could you persuade your parents into the way I played it with my daughters: Go to a large outdoor carpark which is not subject to on-road laws, when it's empty out of normal parking hours, and let you practice driving while one of them sits on a seat and reads a book? If your parents are deliberately putting you down, you may not be hearing the full story from them.

If you aren’t much over 18, don’t be too down-hearted by some of the critical comments. We have many posters who are well over 60 years old who are still living with (and being pushed around by) parents when they should have got out years ago. A financial benefit is often one of their reasons. If you are a troll, you have a lousy sense of humor – if you aren’t a troll, try to laugh at the idea.

Even if you aren’t still in school or college, I really would suggest that you contact one of the counselors in those systems, and ask them for advice about who could help you within the limitations of your budget. They might even suggest that you sign up for something so that you meet their guidelines! Covid has actually made some on-line things easier than they used to be.

Love, Margaret
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Isthisrealyreal May 5, 2021
It is the same in Kentucky, you must have a licensed driver, 21 years or older in the vehicle with you. It does not have to be a parent. A parent come in to the picture when you are 16 or 17 seeking to get a license, they are required to sign for you to get your learner's permit.

After you turn 18 it is a different story. You don't need your parents for anything to get a license, no signature or anything, since you are considered an adult you get to take full responsibility for yourself.
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It takes time to become socially & financially independent. It has nothing to do with turning 18, as people mature differently, have different genes, different families & different circumstances.

I hope as you take steps to independence you can be open to finding support when you need it.
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Reply to Beatty
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Just move out. Some people are completely miserable together and the relationship becomes toxic.

Separating from your family may be the best thing for all of you. Maybe later on, you can enter family therapy and find healing. I hope so.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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You sound like a very unhappy young woman, with a dysfunctional family (why does father only come home on weekends?), and a personal lifestyle that is not helping. Move out as soon as you can, and change the locks as soon as you do. Why should mother walk in when she wants?

Can you find some counseling help you can afford? Perhaps if you go to the local college, the student counselor could point you if a helpful direction. Hang in there, the rest of your life can be better!
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StrawberrySamba May 5, 2021
The reason my dad only comes home on weekends is because he goes to work far from where I live every other day. Unfortunately, my parents think I’m not financially responsible despite being over 18. Also I’m unable to drive because of the stupid rule of having to drive with my parents if I don’t have a license according to the state where I live. You can pretty much tell how that will turn out. Other than that, thank you so much for your support! I’m very happy to appreciate your care, unlike a few other earlier commenters who don’t pay attention to my earlier posts and jump to conclusions about me and my family. Again, thank you.
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Lordy, what a dance you and your parents perform. I'll bet it's been going on forever.

I hate to break it to you, but if your parents who are buying you a house and furnishing it still somehow seem like the bad guys, maybe it's time to look in the mirror. Your version of events do not make you look good.

I can't imagine how old you actually are, but this post reads like a 14-year-old's tantrum.

Move out, get a job, and spend your money on therapy.
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JoAnn29 May 4, 2021
Read previous posts if you haven't and my answers.
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I'm sorry but how does this relate to elder care? As far as some of your complaints regarding your father's comments, such as the windshield wipers...just let him babble on or vent. The initial comment wasn't aimed at you. Anyway, congrats on getting your own house and for having someone to buy it for you!!!
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JoAnn29 May 4, 2021
Need to read the previous posts. This person has been abused all of their life. By parents buying the house, its just one more way to control.
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Do whatever you have to do and take what your parents offer if it gets you out of the Seventh Level of Hell you currently live in at your parents' house. Try to remember your friend BurntCaregiver's advice.

All money spends the same.

Once you're in your new place, you won't have to tolerate your parents' abusive behavior anymore. In fact, you won't have to tolerate them at all. If you don't want to talk to them, don't answer the phone. If you don't want them at your new place you don't have to have them there.
With all respect to you and your family StrawberrySamba, your parents sound like terrible people. I'm willing to bet their abusive behavior towards you isn't recent either. They've probably treated you like this your entire life.
Get as much as you can out of them, then put them out of your life. If they learn to have some basic human respect for you, then let them back in, but not if they don't.
Good luck to you in your new home.
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Why are they buying you a house and furniture?
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BurntCaregiver May 4, 2021
XenaJada,

It doesn't matter what someone buys for a person. Spending money on someone does not entitle a person to be abusive to them.
No one deserves to be treated like StrawberrySamba.
It's wrong and abusive. No one deserves that.
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I have followed you. You are just going from one frying pan into another by allowing your parents to buy or rent you a place. This is another way of controlling you.

Take what is offered fir now. This at least gets you out of their house. Then start becoming independent. There are clinics with Therapists that charge on scale. A therapist will help u establish boundries. You need boundries with these people. Get a job if you don't have one. Get some outside interests. Get a life of your own.
As you grow and get confidence, you can break away little by little.
You don't have to answer the phone. Talk to them when u want to talk with them. When u feel ready, get a place of your own and don't tell them where you are. I am assuming here that Dad is making sure he is on the deed to this house.

And please never agree or promise to care for these people. An abused person should never care for the abuser.
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BurntCaregiver May 4, 2021
Amen to that, JoAnn29.

In families it always seems to be the child who grew up the abused, gaslighted family scapegoat is the one who gets stuck being the abuser's caregiver.
If the father's name is on the property then she should refuse to accept it. Or rent it out and keep her half of the rent and send the father the other half.
I know a guy who literally preferred to become homeless rather than tolerate his elderly parent's drunken abuse.
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It's wonderful that you are moving. So look on the bright side. You will soon be shed of these unpleasant folks and can enjoy your life. Wishing you the best.
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One thing that got me thinking when I was ready to leave home was when my parents said "Once you move out, you don't come back home".
At the time I thought that quite heartless but it did resonate that it was up to me to determine my own future from that point on.
And when I look back on the 'struggle years', they are some of the fondest memories I have with relatively small achievements feeling quite momentous. Though you may not realise this, you are being denied these precious experiences that will ensure a firm foundation on which to build your life and self esteem. You do sound a bit fragile so it should be a step in the right direction.
Acknowledge your parents' (perceived and veiled) generosity but try to resist the temptation to allow your life to be lived vicariously by them.
Pay back whatever you can over time to avoid being held to ransom in years to come.
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BurntCaregiver May 4, 2021
Kantankorus,

"Once you move out you don't come back home".
That's the classic for parents who are not capable of unconditional love for their kids.
In turn those same kids who get told it by their parents should respond in kind with,
"When you're elderly and need caregiving, don't come to my home".
Loved ones who love with conditions deserve to be loved back with conditions as well.
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Thank God you're getting the hell out of there! Do you not drive that you have to take them wherever you go, or do you take them with you because they are paying for the new items you need for your house?
You definitely need to get a life of your own away from your evil parents, but if they are the ones that are going to continue to pay for your needs, then you will find it difficult to cut the proverbial umbilical cord.
Until you get strong enough to stand on your own 2 feet, with no help from your parents, I'm afraid this nonsense will continue. Only you can decide when enough is enough, and I would have thought that you would have figured that out long ago.
I would rather sleep on a hard floor in a house with no furniture than be forever indebted to them, and have to put up with their crap. Think about that. Is all they put you through really worth it?
Go find an inexpensive fully furnished small apartment,(and a roommate if needed)and cut your ties once and for all.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Well I am going to take a different point of view here and it may not be a very popular one. If I hurt your feelings I am sorry so here goes.....

Suck it up Buttercup!
Your parents bought you a house if I am reading your post correctly.
Your parents are buying you furniture, again if I am reading it correctly.
they can pretty much say what they want it is their money that is financing your "independence". Are they going to pay your bills as well?
I gotta tell you when I first moved out I rented an apartment, could not afford a house. I had used furniture. One entire paycheck went to pay for rent, the second to pay bills. If I was lucky there was enough for a movie and a popcorn.
And if you truly go to bed at 5am and get up at 3pm it better because you work 2nd shift. (start work at 5pm to 1am) If that is not your work schedule then there is no excuse for the going to bed at 5 and getting up at 3.
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JoAnn29 May 4, 2021
Read previous posts.
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Strawberry, who is paying for the apartment and furniture, you or your parents?

Why do they have to accompany tou on shopping trips?
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JoAnn29 May 4, 2021
Have u read previous posts and my answers.
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There are some decent videos on how to deal with Financial Narcissism and Trauma Bonds. I found a couple that were pleasant to listen to and have in the background to keep my head in check.

Financial terrorism sucks, esp. if the assets are technically yours.
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Isthisrealyreal May 4, 2021
What exactly do you mean, if the assets are technically yours?

It sounds like the parents are paying for everything, so it is their assets being used to move her out. Not technically hers, even if they died tomorrow, still not hers unless they decide to gift her with an inheritance.
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