My mother rarely gets out of bed, has fallen at least 20 times in the past year(no broken bones but a torn rotator cuff). My parents have called us at all kinds of times in the middle of the night, etc. to come help get my mother up off the floor. She is extremely overweight. Sometimes they give in and call 911 to help her get off the floor and back into bed. (They don't like to because they say the firemen always hurt her.) She has been to the hospital twice in the past 6 months. She has my father cancel any appointment set up for her, saying at the last minute she isn't having a good day. I finally talked them into a service that comes to the house for checkups, medications and physical therapy. However, because my mother stays up all night and sleeps all day, the afternoon appointments get cancelled more and more. I want my mother to go to a rehab hospital to strengthen her legs and arms. I would like her to get rehab so she can get through the house without any help from my father, including toileting(instead of diapers), showering, etc. Their doorways are too narrow for the walker to get through easily. The hall and space around all the furniture is too narrow for a full sized wheelchair. My father has begun to have chest pains, and he already has a stint. He went to the doctor and has a follow-up appointment after Christmas. The last time she fell, which was just a couple of days ago, they seemed to agree with me and they agreed to try to get a referral to the rehab hospital. Today my father told me that mom doesn't want to go but promised not to cancel the PT who comes to the house and promised to do the exercises daily. Yeah, that won't happen! Oh, wait, one more thing...my mother has alergies and frequently coughs at night. She has been prescribed cough medicine with codeine throughout the years. This last time she fell, I saw a big bottle on the dresser with maybe an 8th left and the bottle was only 3 days old. This is definitely why she fell that evening. I have no POA, guardianship, or anything. They make terrible decisions and won't listen to me. My dad is determined to take care of her himself because he loves her so much. I told him she may get congestive heart failure or pneumonia if they don't get her to rehab. I have told her he cannot haul on her anymore, my husband and I can't haul on her anymore, Dad may end up having a heart attack and then what will she do? I just don't know what to do anymore!
You can also consider reporting them to Adult Protective Services as two seniors who are at risk. Will their doctor agree?
Or, you can continue to let them run the show. I'd try to set some boundaries. It will continue to be stressful, however, eventually a crisis will occur that will force a change. I'd try to be prepared for that. I'd look into some facilities that may accept your mom, get prices, etc. If she breaks a hip, it will be a hard recovery, based on what you have described with her health problems and weight.
As stated above, Hospice might also be an option.
(1) Contact a Carers agency and have round the clock Care givers taking Care
of Your Mom & Dad.
(2) Come and live with Your Parents and Care for Them.
(3) And this is a last resort, consider assisted Living for Your Parents, where Your Mom & Dad can be in the same Living Quarters.
Good Luck Kakeks, it's a tough call but it is for You to decide. Having the Elderly Live alone is simply dangerous. Lord forbid if any thing happened to Your Parents You would regret it for the rest of Your Life.
If you can convince parents to give you DPOA and make you healh care proxy, get that moving ASAP. While being pushy won't work, you need to be armed with facts and ideally be their attorney-in-fact.....because their current situation is untenable.
It will probably take a home accident, health crisis or pnemonia to get the ball rolling. Should mom ever be hospitalized, the discharge people will assume mom has adequate help at home. You need to emphatically tell them that she does not. Yes, your father is there. But he has his own challenges. And as much as they call you for assistance.....there's your answer.
Do not let the discharge people insist that mom be returned to her home just because she has a living spouse and you (obviously) have all your buttons. This is bigger than that. This is also bigger than mom & dad's "against all odds" delusion that they will never live apart.
This is hard, hard stuff. So many elders are heck-bent on being their own worst enemy. And they reel in an adult child to help.....which in reality becomes colluding with their short-sighted plans and non-plans.
Good luck to you. Don't be afraid to disappoint mom & dad once in a while. You're probably on the verge of chest pains yourself. Or has that started already??!?
Of course our parents won't listen to us, we are just "the kids" and what do we know :P My Mom was very stubborn, refused any caregiving help, refused cleaning people. Neither could drive any more. Eventually it became too tiring for me because I was in my own age decline.
Then I realized I was enabling to parents to continue their lifestyle while I had to change mine. I never realized I could set boundaries. That I could say I will run errands on one day but only go to two stores, unless it was a doctor appointment or picking up medicine. If they needed anything else, they would need to blow the dust off the wallet and hire someone.
Wonder if your Mom keeps canceling appointments because the doctors are telling her she needs to lose weight in order to help herself. That's isn't an easy task for anyone, and she is tired of hearing it. Who does the cooking in their household? Who does the grocery shopping? Time to bring in a dietician to help set up menus. Mom might not like what is on the menu, sorry no substitution.