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My mother rarely gets out of bed, has fallen at least 20 times in the past year(no broken bones but a torn rotator cuff). My parents have called us at all kinds of times in the middle of the night, etc. to come help get my mother up off the floor. She is extremely overweight. Sometimes they give in and call 911 to help her get off the floor and back into bed. (They don't like to because they say the firemen always hurt her.) She has been to the hospital twice in the past 6 months. She has my father cancel any appointment set up for her, saying at the last minute she isn't having a good day. I finally talked them into a service that comes to the house for checkups, medications and physical therapy. However, because my mother stays up all night and sleeps all day, the afternoon appointments get cancelled more and more. I want my mother to go to a rehab hospital to strengthen her legs and arms. I would like her to get rehab so she can get through the house without any help from my father, including toileting(instead of diapers), showering, etc. Their doorways are too narrow for the walker to get through easily. The hall and space around all the furniture is too narrow for a full sized wheelchair. My father has begun to have chest pains, and he already has a stint. He went to the doctor and has a follow-up appointment after Christmas. The last time she fell, which was just a couple of days ago, they seemed to agree with me and they agreed to try to get a referral to the rehab hospital. Today my father told me that mom doesn't want to go but promised not to cancel the PT who comes to the house and promised to do the exercises daily. Yeah, that won't happen! Oh, wait, one more thing...my mother has alergies and frequently coughs at night. She has been prescribed cough medicine with codeine throughout the years. This last time she fell, I saw a big bottle on the dresser with maybe an 8th left and the bottle was only 3 days old. This is definitely why she fell that evening. I have no POA, guardianship, or anything. They make terrible decisions and won't listen to me. My dad is determined to take care of her himself because he loves her so much. I told him she may get congestive heart failure or pneumonia if they don't get her to rehab. I have told her he cannot haul on her anymore, my husband and I can't haul on her anymore, Dad may end up having a heart attack and then what will she do? I just don't know what to do anymore!

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Okay, so this is what is going to happen. It's a role reversal. You are now the parent and they are the children. YOU MUST MAKE THE DECISIONS FOR THEIR SAFETY. They may not like it. There may be a fight. Don't falter!
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Wow, you certainly have identified the problems and resistance to solving and preventing any more from occurring. It is complicated, this parent-child role reversal. I finally solicited the help of my Mom's doctor toget her to agree to move to an assisted living facility at age 92 after I developed the need for spinal surgery from lifting her and her wheelchair. I would suggest that you contact Aging and Independent Services to set up an in home safety and personal living evaluations for your parents. Sometimes an emotionally unattached professional can get through to parents when a child's concern goes on deaf ears. Also, if you already have PT scheduled, they sometime offer safety and living evals. Your comment about cough syrup is intuitive; follow up on your concerns with doctor. Cough could be from gerd or other diagnosis due to your Mom's weight. You need to at the very least get a medical POA for your parents. These are readily available online for evert state and all hospitals have available, however some are only for their facility. You do not have to pay for this document unless you choose to employ a lawyer. Good Luck.
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Do you think that they would pass a competency test? If you really want to get into it and fight them on this, I'd see an Elder Law attorney who regularly litigates Competency matters in court. Make sure they do it often so they can listen to your case and give you a good opinion on whether you have enough evidence to contest their competency. The law varies by state, but, in some states, it's not so much about memory as judgment and the ability to run your own household and make sound financial decisions. If they are competent and want to ignore medical advice, then they have that right. If they aren't competent, then, the court can appoint a Guardian to do for them. It would be a HUGE job though, so I don't know if I would volunteer. Ask the attorney what's involved.

You can also consider reporting them to Adult Protective Services as two seniors who are at risk. Will their doctor agree?

Or, you can continue to let them run the show. I'd try to set some boundaries. It will continue to be stressful, however, eventually a crisis will occur that will force a change. I'd try to be prepared for that. I'd look into some facilities that may accept your mom, get prices, etc. If she breaks a hip, it will be a hard recovery, based on what you have described with her health problems and weight.

As stated above, Hospice might also be an option.
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The codeine situation is a problem, I think. She probably just forgets how much she takes. Maybe you could get her some cough syrup without codeine, but don't tell her. Good luck.
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Kakeks You have 3-0ptions.
(1) Contact a Carers agency and have round the clock Care givers taking Care
of Your Mom & Dad.
(2) Come and live with Your Parents and Care for Them.
(3) And this is a last resort, consider assisted Living for Your Parents, where Your Mom & Dad can be in the same Living Quarters.
Good Luck Kakeks, it's a tough call but it is for You to decide. Having the Elderly Live alone is simply dangerous. Lord forbid if any thing happened to Your Parents You would regret it for the rest of Your Life.
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Great inputs in responses. I have been living through this for too many years. My hindsight is now kicking me hard, very hard. Don't let this happen to you. How is your health, how are those things important to YOUR life? I'm hurt, broken, and so very tired. My spouse is a peach, but I still berate myself for every time I put my mother ahead of MY life, MY time, and MY relationships. I've hit crisis point this year. Have developed 2 health conditions from stress most likely, to add to what I already deal with. For your sake, please take a huge step back and mix in tough-love decisions. Talk to a counselor. Get those documents in order. Don't delay and don't let them delay you. It's going to be a new year, so on your 2017 calendar mark in benchmark goals to achieve what is best for your parents and for you.
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When you don't know what to do, and you have tried everything to give your parents help, then stop trying to help. The more you do, the more they will rely on you. When you get calls in the middle of the night, tell them to call 911. Until you can get an MPOA, they make their own decisions, and will have to suffer the consequences. How's your marriage?
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It is so hard for adult children to grow up and take care of our elderly loved ones. They certainly do not teach us this in high school. May I ask how old are your mom and dad? What underlying medical issues do they have? Sounds like your dad had cardiac issues and your mom is obese. ( don't mean to sound harsh). I would also ask what medications are they on? We all need sleep....that is the restorative process for our body. Medications can be timed and adjusted to correspond with sleeping at night and being more awake during the day. Does your mother want to be more independent? There are a lot of resources that can objectively give you suggestions to help with your parents ADL's (activities of daily living) Does your mom try to help when moving or does she totally rely on others after a fall? Does she wear a call alert necklace? Is she alert and oriented? Do they live in a ranch home? Depending on finances, their home could possibly be altered to suit a wheel chair person. I admire your father wanting to care for her because of the love he has for her. That's beautiful. I think, however, that sometimes that can be so intimately subjective that your dad may be reacting in the moment to help her with immediate needs, yet may not be thinking about repercussions of his help. You are the adult child, and although subjective about situation, but have a more objective view of what needs to be done. It's difficult to tell our parents what to do because we are conditioned to our parents giving us the advice. This forum is a great resource. We all care and have shared similar hardships. I'm a nurse. I enabled my mother and father. "Enable" seems like such a negation word, doesn't it? I think enabling is the confusing balance of doing things out of love attempting to make life more bearable and tolerable for those we love. You are doing the best you can in this moment. ☘☘☘
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Research every "if, and & but" regarding rehabs, AL and skilled nursing in your area. Availability, reputation and cost and Medicaid considerations. Tour them, if you can.

If you can convince parents to give you DPOA and make you healh care proxy, get that moving ASAP. While being pushy won't work, you need to be armed with facts and ideally be their attorney-in-fact.....because their current situation is untenable.

It will probably take a home accident, health crisis or pnemonia to get the ball rolling. Should mom ever be hospitalized, the discharge people will assume mom has adequate help at home. You need to emphatically tell them that she does not. Yes, your father is there. But he has his own challenges. And as much as they call you for assistance.....there's your answer.

Do not let the discharge people insist that mom be returned to her home just because she has a living spouse and you (obviously) have all your buttons. This is bigger than that. This is also bigger than mom & dad's "against all odds" delusion that they will never live apart.

This is hard, hard stuff. So many elders are heck-bent on being their own worst enemy. And they reel in an adult child to help.....which in reality becomes colluding with their short-sighted plans and non-plans.

Good luck to you. Don't be afraid to disappoint mom & dad once in a while. You're probably on the verge of chest pains yourself. Or has that started already??!?
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kakeks, may I ask how old are your parents? What are their other medical issues?

Of course our parents won't listen to us, we are just "the kids" and what do we know :P My Mom was very stubborn, refused any caregiving help, refused cleaning people. Neither could drive any more. Eventually it became too tiring for me because I was in my own age decline.

Then I realized I was enabling to parents to continue their lifestyle while I had to change mine. I never realized I could set boundaries. That I could say I will run errands on one day but only go to two stores, unless it was a doctor appointment or picking up medicine. If they needed anything else, they would need to blow the dust off the wallet and hire someone.

Wonder if your Mom keeps canceling appointments because the doctors are telling her she needs to lose weight in order to help herself. That's isn't an easy task for anyone, and she is tired of hearing it. Who does the cooking in their household? Who does the grocery shopping? Time to bring in a dietician to help set up menus. Mom might not like what is on the menu, sorry no substitution.
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Ask mom if she wants a Hospice evaluation. Maybe she does if she is refusing appointments. It is her choice and as hard as it seems, please support her decision. She sounds too advanced to benefit from any rehab.
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