Parent won't give POA information. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

Parent won't give POA information. Any advice?

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I'm in a situation where one of my father has gone through the process of doing all of their estate planning with a trust, a POA, directive and will. Since that happened a little over a year ago the only information my father has shared with me are some vague details about what I will be getting and that I will be the executor. Recently I have seen some actions from my father that are making me question if that is actually what he has in his estate plans.


Legally I have no right to see this, and I have simply asked if this is something I can see, minus that I have been very honest in saying that I would be happy to take on the role if that is what the documents say, but that my default position is that I'm assuming that I will get nothing. With that being said what has me more concerned are the details surrounding his POA and health directives. I know he has both, but I have no idea who has been named. I have asked him multiple times directly if he can either tell me who has been named or to just tell me that he would prefer not to tell me but every time he evades the question. His current mental state is that he is legally able to make his own decisions but we are seeing early stages of what might be cognitive decline.


This puts me in the position where if something was to happen I would literally not know who to contact if I got a call. For all that I know I could be named, but based on our family dynamics there are other members of the family that I would fully expect to take legal action if I did anything that is not 110% by the book just to cause trouble. Though I am always one to run clean books with my own business this is a situation where I feel like I need to be extra careful.


Because of that I told him that if he refuses to tell me who I would need to contact then to the best of my knowledge the only thing I could legally tell someone would be that there are directives and POA's in place to the best of my knowledge but I have no idea who it is. Following on from there to my knowledge it seems like from a legal standpoint my only choice would be to not enter his house, or take on any of these roles and likewise make sure that nobody else does unless they can provide legal documentation giving them the right to do so or unless I am presented with documentation giving me the legal right to take on this role.


Am I missing anything with this? My intent is to be able to help and I would be willing to take on these roles if that was what he wanted and it is done 100% legally and ethically. But at the same time I'm really struggling with the reluctance to just tell me who I would need to contact if something happened. My goals are to be ethical, and to do everything by the book. (avoiding lawsuits etc.)

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How are you supposed to find this will when he dies? It sounds like you were named executor of the will, but how is this will supposed to magically appear if he dies tomorrow? How could you carry out the intentions that he stated when you can't even find the will? Dying 'without a will' is a huge probate mess. Is somebody supposed to call you on the phone and bring a will on over? Is it in his desk? Where are you supposed to look for it? Better get the secret code on where to find it. Focus on being allowed into the relationship with the attorney, somehow, so you at least know the attorney name and whether you were assigned any duties and whether a DPOA was drawn up or some kind of trust created. He might be the sole trustee of a revokable trust, yet have named successor trustees in the event of his incapacity and you would like to know that if you could. He might not want you to know that if he is paranoid that you would have him declared incapacitated so that you could become trustee.
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pamstegma -- posted:
First the POA is only active while the person is alive.

Second, after death the Will is in force and the Executor is in charge.
Third, as an old person myself, I don't want my family bugging me for all the darn details, because it opens up a can of worms.

So stop asking him. Show a little respect.

The only way to prove that you are not interested in what you are getting is to stop asking about it.

The original question was : "Parent won't give POA information. Any advice?"

Now replies have slid into questions about wills a very different subject.

I don't see any reply where pamstegma is telling anyone to lie.
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Years ago I had My Mom put all important papers in one place. Wills, deeds, birth certificate, marriage certicates, death certicates, dads military discharge,etc. Now she has Dementia so glad I had her do it.
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{This puts me in the position where if something was to happen I would literally not know who to contact if I got a call.}

I have a sibling who has decided not to share. I have received calls from people have been given my name to call. I refer the caller to the sibling's attorney.
Sharing things such as wills does open a can of worms IMCO. In my own situation I have a file of life on the fridge containing all POA's and such but no private family stuff. This pack of documents goes to anyone with a need to know
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Hire an atty
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When a friend of mine died, she left no will. Her son went to probate and was appointed executor of her estate. We're from NJ
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Honeybadger, the only thing you can maybe do is sit down with your Dad again and explain that not knowing will make it harder on you when he needs help. That his MPOA should be filed with hospitals he may go to and all is doctors so that his rep can talk to doctors/nurses via phone. That with the Hippa laws if he has no rep of record, no one can make decisions for him if he can't. If he still won't give you the info, you'll just have to wait until something happens and file for gaurdianship. Can't remember if you said u talked to his lawyer. If not, can't see why he can't tell you that there is a POA and they are aware they are. Then, if a problem, contact the lawyer to contact the POA. In my opinion, no one needs to know what my will says but me. I would inform the person who is my executor that he is. I would give him the name of my lawyer and where the will is kept. The POA should have the paperwork.
So sorry you have to go thru this. Just one more thing to worry about. Good Luck.

PS, maybe you could take him to hi lawyer and he can explain the importance. Sometimes others can get thru better than children.
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Hi.
An Exacutor with out written and signed document(BY YOUR FATHER AND WITNESSES)PEFFERABLT NOTARISED, will prove you are the EXACUTOR,
Other wise you are ä king with out a kingdome". Do not think you are because if you were your father would present the document to you. I suspect he wants to avoid a confrontation with you NOW, as well as between you and your siblings if you have any. From personal experience this sibling confrontation will happen when it is time to execute the will. Ask your father to prevent this situation, and answer the few questions you have. Good Luck.
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Pamstegma, I had a MIL that would do that too. Asking what you want. She got upset when she offered me her bedroom suite and I said no thank you. Explained that I didn't care for French Prevencial. She was suppose to make a list of who he wanted to have what. When she died, people (not relatives) came out of the woodwork saying she had told them they could have this or that. Some things she had told more than one person, including her own kids, they could have.
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I was with my Mom when POA and MPOA was written up. I had to sign. I also hold the paperwork on both because I have to prove I was appointed. Before I can sign any legal documents I have to show proof and a copy iss usually taken. The local hospital and Moms doctors also have copies so they know to talk to me. I have a feelinghe has none of this that is why he is putting you off. If he does, then explain that if ur POA, you need the paperwork, or at least know where it is, in case of emergency. You can't do anything for him without them. Where I live, POA does not have to be recorded. Oh, if you are executor, you will need to know where the will is, without proof of one, can't do anything either. And knowing the lawyer may not help. Mine was disbard and left the state. Not sure what happens to their records when this happens.
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