My dad, 92 years old, lives with his wife who is 88 years old. He has been having delusions to the point where we brought him to the ER a few weeks ago. He refused admission and his wife agreed with him so home they went. (She has Medical POA) They put him on Seroquel at night and a zoloft in the morning and he was doing better.
But it started up again. Last night, I had just fallen asleep when she called me. He was convinced he was in a large antique barn and she was holding his hostage. He wanted to go home and there was no convincing him that he WAS home. I even hung up the phone and called back, telling him that his house phone would not ring if he wasn't home. He started flipping over furniture and shoved her away when she tried to stop him.
We cannot afford a nursing home and they do not qualify for Medicaid (and will never, due to a second property that we cannot sell). I want an in-home caregiver for them. They refuse to 'have anyone in their house'. He has days when he seems totally reasonable, but then other days when he is out of his mind. I have no idea what to do. He has no particular diagnosis, by the way, and does not have a UTI.
Thoughts?
This is probably the only way she/they will understand that they need helpers.
There is nothing you can do when you are not in charge of the decisions. If you worry for safety and competency I would call APS and tell them you are concerned for safety and are unable to intervene.
WHEN/if there is hospitalization call in the social services to intervene at once.
Well you can start by not answering the phone when she calls after you have gone to bed.
You can stop doing all the other little things you do to "help out".
SHE is the one that needs to make a decision that they need help
He also needs a diagnosis as to what is causing the delusions. So an appointment with his doctor is the place to start.
Tell step mother that the next time she is afraid for her safety she needs to call 911.
Until she gets to the point where she admits she needs help there is nothing you can do.
Well...maybe there is. but it will probably damage any relationship you have with her.
You could contact an Elder Care Attorney and try to obtain Guardianship. This would be difficult as judges do not like taking rights away from people. But from the sound of it she is not acting in his best interest.
As his Guardian you could say that in order to remain in the home he needs caregivers. Again though if she does not want them in the home she can still make this difficult.
I would be concerned for her safety.
I think you also have another potential problem.
If he is violent many Caregiver Agencies will not send a caregiver into the home of someone that they know is potentially violent. (I know all people are potentially violent but not all have a history of violence)
I think you need to talk to an Elder Care Attorney that can help with making placement for him possible. I am not talking hiding assets but there has to be some way that placement can be possible. For his safety and hers.
You don't have any legal power in this situation, it seems. You see it doesn't matter what you want for them -- they aren't accepting it and you can't force it upon them. FYI, FT in-home aids are also expensive and a lot of management.
His wife is not operating "in his best interests" as his PoA.
He is "too far gone" cognitively to legally assign a new PoA.
Guardianship for your Dad is the only solution: the question is, who will it be?
You can pursue being his guardian through the courts - or - you report them to APS and they will eventually sort out the situation by getting a court-assigned 3rd party guardian for your Dad, and maybe even his wife. I'm pretty sure he will be removed to a facility and his wife will then be on her own, unless they deem her as a "vulnerable adult".
You will need to decide what you're up for because none of those solutions will be fast or easy.
It sounds like he needs more or different meds.
My dad had FTD in his 70s and acted crazy similar to how you describe. Zoloft made him worse but Seroquel helped a lot. Who knows what will work for your dad but the current situation is untenable.
I Would give up on the idea of a caretaker in their house as it sounds like he is beyond that and why waste your mental energy arguing about it.
About the Medicaid, it might help to consult an elder care attorney, but if his wife has all the DPOA and health care proxy, I am not sure what power you have. But maybe it would help clarify what the legal options are. You have my sympathies!