My mother has had a chronic debilitating illness for years and stopped making efforts to remain as strong and healthy as she possibly can a long time ago; she's now on hospice and has deteriorated pretty rapidly in a short time with signs of dementia and limited mobility. She's always been an excessive worrier, judgmental, and generally negative for as long as I can remember, and this is her whole identity. Close family and friends believe her to be kind and gentle, and while she is those things, she's also been very manipulative and toxic with her children. I suspect she has untreated C-PTSD, and while I'm sympathetic, I find myself not able to be around her. It's not a "typical" toxic/narcissistic parent-child relationship, as during my childhood, she was loving and available. She moved into my home after a recent hospitalization, and I bring her food and drink and change her bedside commode; if I spend any time with her, she inevitably starts vocalizing her worries and judgement, catastrophizing and expressing disdain for her adult children's and grandchildren's life choices. I am torn with guilt about wanting to put her into a skilled nursing facility, but with caring for my family, my full-time job, wanting to be able to leave the house, and not being able to offer her companionship because it affects my mental health, I simply can't be the caregiver she needs or wants. She's made it clear that she's not wanted to live life for 20+ years, which makes me even more resentful for hitting pause on my family's life to care for her. I feel so much guilt and self-hatred for the lack of compassion I feel for my mother, and I don't know what to do.
Guilt requires causation. You didn't cause this.
Guilt requires you are capable of fixing something and refuse to do so out of evil intent.
That isn't the case here.
Words matter and they form paths of habitual self harming through your brain.
PTSD is also inappropriate as a diagnosis once Dementia is on the scene. ALL people with dementia are always easily triggered by all sorts of things.
Your mother really requires the care of a staff now with several workers on several shifts and a family member is really the worst one to move from darling daughter to caregivers. Because--trust me here--NO ONE LIKES THEIR CAREGIVERS. Think about it.
So time I think for you to seek some help. Start with using appropriate language. You are not GUILTY. You are GRIEVING. And isn't his worth grieving over? It is. So allow your other to rage and rant and grieve these circumstances. Join her. But don't think that will fix anything. Life isn't about happiness, and at 83 I am here to ASSURE you that certain the END of our lives isn't.
Heart out to you. Seek help from IN PERSON therapist practicing COGNITIVE therapy, not talk. Talking won't help this either.
It will give you both a break. Respite is a benefit that Medicare will provide for hospice
Also talk to the Nurse or Social Worker about requesting a Volunteer. They can give you a break and sit with mom for several hours. The Volunteer can not do any "hands on care" but if you need help doing things around the house that can also be arranged.
You are suffering from Compassion Fatigue which is very real, look it up. I was too, after listening to my mother complain, worry and catastrophizing everything for 65 years. When I was leaving for my honeymoon, the only thing she could think of to say to me was, "are you sure all the windows and doors in the house are locked?" When she stayed at my home while I was out of town once, she glued ADT stickers on ALL of my windows that I could not remove! I'd already installed the ADT security signpost outside my door and TOLD her that was enough, but she took it upon herself to do what she did. I will stop here because you get the idea, but I could write a book. Living with a person like this is exhausting and joyless, it drains ones very soul.
Get mother OUT of the house now and recognize when enough is enough. I'm sorry she's at the end of her life, but we'll all get there one day. It's the cycle of life. Right now, focus on your own life and allow yourself the space to enjoy it w/o worry or guilt. You've done enough, my friend.
You can start with a few hours and then increase as you see necessary. You can go to a home care agency or care.com... you want to find caregivers that are good at what they do, that you and your mom both like, And that will work well together. I was a CNA for a very long time and all my patients liked me. I got very close to some families. It is just not a good idea to be the caregiver for your loved ones because although CNAs take a lot from their patients, caregivers who are family members get it so much worse . People with dementia etc just seem to do better when someone else is caring for them. You absolutely must take care of yourself. You can't give what you don't have. Hugs.
It is good you recognize this. You have no reason to feel guilty. Meeting her needs is simply beyond your capacity. Only you can protect your own mental health. You have a family that deserves your attention, not to be put on pause indefinitely, while you attempt to meet your mother's needs out of guilt.
You say your relationship is not typical of a toxic narcissistic parent/child relationship, as she was loving and available to you during your childhood. I'm so glad you remember it that way. But, if you feel guilty, it is probably because her narcissistic personality groomed you to feel this way.
If you feel a lack of compassion now for your mother, your feelings are valid. You shouldn't feel guilty for having your genuine feelings.
Others have said it before; Caregiving has to work for the caregiver.
Sure, you could kill yourself trying to meet someone else's needs, but what would that really accomplish in the end? It's no good for you or for them.
You didn't mention your mother's prognosis or her age. She could go on like this for a long time. What if it's another 10 to 20 years?
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