My 91 year-old dad has (undiagnosed) mild dementia, along with other health issues. He has some memory loss and confusion, but he still lives at home by himself and even drives his car. In the small town he lives in on the West Coast of Canada he can remember where places are and how to get home.
But lately Dad has gotten into his head that he wants to take a train trip down the coast to visit my brother in California. I can’t do this with him and both my brother and I have told he should not do this trip by himself. But he is determined to go by himself. I was hoping he would just forget about it but now he has managed to renew his passport and has called a travel agent to inquire about Amtrak tickets.
This trip would involve him staying overnight by himself in Seattle, and finding his way to the train station and catching the right train. He gets confused enough that even if he didn’t get lost in Seattle he could easily wander off at any of the dozen stops on the way down to San Francisco thinking he had arrived.
I do not have guardianship over my Dad. How can I stop him from doing this trip?
I am surprised he could renew his passport and make train arrangements. But Dementia is a weird thing. Its a shame someone cannot travel with him. Can't you and brother meet in Seattle?
It may be as simple as "I want to see your brother".
In which case *Video Call* !! Use a decent size computer screen (not a phone) & good audio. His NEED/WANT is addressed without the dangerous trek across the continent. Job Done 😁
I was interstate & staying a hotel. At breakfast there was a commotion. The other guests were panicked as their oldest member was missing. He had wanted a nicer hotel so they dropped him off at another hotel the night before, but he had left a panicked phone message overnight saying he was lost. They had been out half the night looking for him. Police were called to search too.
Police returned the man (early 80's?) to his friends at breakfast. He had seen 'shadows' in his room & got scared. Fled into the street, had no idea where to go & eventually spent the night on a park bench in the outdoor mall. It was a very cold night & Police said he was very lucky to be alive. Also said nothing odd about an old guy, a bit dischealved on a park bench. Looked like any other down & out drunk, not an tourist in trouble.
The friends told me they knew he had some mild memory problems but were unprepared to what that meant or how it would effect him in unfamiliar settings.
It was a close call for that guy. On the plus, I managed to get all his friends interested to do some research into dementia!
Here's a different angle - Rather than stop it.. what about letting the 'world' decide?
If ok, then add as much safety as you can.
1. IF Dad's Doctor gives the all clear? He proceeds.
2. If he can get health insurance, he proceeds.
3. Obviously your brother needs to OK the visit & be happy to collect & host him. If so, he can proceed.
So if the 'world' gives the OK.. add the safety;
1. Train? Overnight stays in unfamiliar cities? No.
Direct flight.
2. Escort to airport, both ends.
(My relatives in their 90's still travelled to see family. Direct flights, escorted to & from airports. There were a little mobility/frailty issues but no memory issues).
3. His 'special needs' should ideally be disclosed to airline staff too to help increase safety ensure during the flight.
4. ID, important papers etc. You need a copy of everything. He needs ID on his bag, his clothes not just his wallet (can get lost).
5. Emergency response: If he does become lost, disorientated etc who would go fetch him? You? Or Brother?
Have a good honest chat to your brother about your concerns and very importantly, about that emergency plan. If Dad falls, lands in hospital in US, what would be the plan?
Or.. maybe just hide his passport...
Did provide location - but didn't improve their safety or reduce my worries. Was something..
It might be worth contacting appropriate organisations (or the neighbors where he lives for the first bit) to see if they have any suggestions along those lines.
Best wishes to you and your family.
It is hard for family members when their parent is in that stage between just being older and full blown dementia. No one wants to have their freedom easily taken away. The law makes it difficult for adult children to do that to their parent, as it should.
I will do everything I can to convince my Dad not to do this trip, but as I said in my post, I don’t have guardianship over him.
In Canada, guardianship requires two doctors assessments stating someone no longer has the mental capacity to make decisions and then a judge to approve those assessments and assign a guardian. It is complex, expensive and potentially emotionally devastating to family members involved. If the judge refuses to accept the doctor’s assessments, the parent might never speak to their children again and disinherit them.
My Dad is a bit of an old-school man’s man who prides himself on his independence, even if that is more fantasy and wishful thinking these days. He would likely refuse to go to the doctor if he knew he was being assessed for dementia. And his doctor may not do it at our request. My dad likes his doctor because he is a “nice guy” who doesn’t lecture my dad about his health or driving or anything else.
And I agree my dad should not be driving. Here in British Columbia anyone over age 80 used to have to pass a driver medical fitness test every two years, but the government stopped the requirement during Covid and has yet to reinstate it. That means convincing doctor “nice guy” to report my dad to the government. We tried getting his doctor to do an eye exam on my dad and he told my sister he couldn’t do that and my dad would have to book an appointment with an Ophthalmologists.
To complicate matters, none of us children live in the same town as dad.
As I’m sure others out there know, sometimes there are no easy answers and you just have to do what you can and hope for the best.
Maybe put some kind of tracking device on him so if he gets lost you can have the police find him.
It is irritating when the senior is gone but not gone enough to drive family crazy with insane things like this.
And yes other brother should tell dad he can't come and visit.
This trip would involve a night in Seattle and multiple train stops. Even if we attached a gps to his keys or luggage he could easily get separated from those items and if he wandered off it could take days to find him.
If the objective is to see your brother, how about taking the plane? If he is adamant about using the train, can the first leg to Seattle be done by plane with you and you put him on the train to see your brother?
I’ve never done train trips with the elderly, however, it is possible that one of the stewards could pay special attention to him to make sure he doesn’t get off between stops….just like an unaccompanied minor.
Are there any organized tours, that include a train trip down the coast?
Being able to travel was very important to my Mom. Unfortunately, her traveling companions were unable to travel once they got to their 90s. So she enlisted me and my sister. Her last trip, at the age of 97, was flying to Amsterdam and going on a cruise to Iceland and Greenland. Even though she had mild dementia at the time and was walking with a walker, the cruise ship was a terrific place for her and she felt fantastic. Now she is in MC with moderate dementia, cannot remember that she is over 100 years old, but can still remember details of the Iceland and Greenland trip.
So I would find some way to make that trip happen. I’m sure that the planning and research for that trip is part of the “fun” for him. Also, it gives him something to look forward to.
Do not do anything to support dad's trip.
I would look into getting him a diagnosis. Does dad have his paperwork in order? Are you or your brother POA? Will, living will, etc.?
The driving issue is a bit concerning too. My mom, with dementia, was mad as hell when the doctor told her no more driving, but when we know their memory is not what it should be, it is the right thing to do. I could not have lived with the guilt if my mom had hurt someone when I knew she shouldn't be driving.
Best of luck.