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Kudos to your son and DIL for saying "enough's enough" and moving out. Not surprised that your husband's siblings want the arrangement to continue - uninvolved family members almost always want to keep the status quo so they don't have to step up.

I think some people say mean things to others all their lives, sometimes as a means to keep others off-balance and entrench their own control of the relationship. I think elderly people may start to lose their filters and start to say things they previously would have kept to themselves. And I think those traits can combine with the sense of self-pity and victimization that a sick or disabled person may feel and can result in a vicious attitude towards the more fortunate, "well" person.

Your son and DIL are doing the right thing. Nobody should have to take care of someone who verbally abuses them.
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My MIL says horrible things to me all the time. And even worse to my son and DIL who are in the house taking care of her. She makes DIL cry several times a week. Finally they said enough is enough and have bought their own house and are moving out next month. Now all of a sudden she is super nice to them and wants them to stay. Not going to happen. And she knows if she has another stroke she's going into the nursing home to stay. She can't believe that they are actually moving out. They've basically been her slave for 2 years without getting paid even a penny. Hubby's siblings think they should just get over it because they really want them to stay as well so they don't have to jump in.
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Hi Ginamaria
It's a problem a lot of people seem to have. There are many posts on narcissism that might give you ideas on how to handle people who are self absorbed. Wrap that happiness around you like a protective coat and go about your business. Don't dwell on negativity.
I'm sorry you were hurt.
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If grin-and-bear-it wears thin, stand tall and tell your miserable elder to stick that attitude where the sun don't shine.

Caregivers, it's OK to grow weary of "always being the bigger person." We are humans, not robots. Our feelings matter, too.
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The best way you can avoid this is to avoid the person altogether. There are those situations where you just absolutely must walk away from them and never look back. I had very unloving parents, but it was always my mom who was saying hateful things to me behind everyone's back. I don't think either one of them should've been parents, and there are just some people like that but there's not much you can do about them but to avoid them. Some may say that's not always possible, but yes it is! If you have a working brain, you can get creative and find clever ways to avoid them even if it means just clean cutting the apron strings if you happen to be taking care of them. You deserve better, you need not put up with verbal abuse
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Good for your son. His wife came first. No one should have to take abuse. It's hard enough to care for someone without being abused too.
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Oh, absolutely! I heard from my late mother about 101 x over how her granddaughter took a trip to Alaska. My mother obviously didn't like it and thought that she should have taken EVERY trip to her grandmother's. My daughter visited her often. So when my mother brought it up the 102nd time, I shut it down, saying "mother, that will be enough about the Alaskan trip." She never mentioned it again.
I was sexually abused by an uncle. I told my mother about him. My mother choose to keep in contact with the perv through phone, mail and greeting cards until his death. Hello????!!!! Gee, thanks for not standing up for your own daughter!!
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It gets worse with some people as they age because they just don't care anymore, they say what they want, do what they want don't care about hurting anyone. Also boredom, some people get mean out of boredom, some out of resentment and yes, their own jealousies. I think the worst thing any caregiver could do is show any reaction to someone's anger, comments, outbursts, etc... It will fuel the behavior more. I dealt with my dad's angry controlling behavior consistently following my own simple efforts to maintain my car, my home, like mowing my own yard. Things I have to do, that have to be done. Following every chore I had that was my own, I would be verbally abused for days. I accepted I was dealing with a narcissist who had no tolerance for anyone doing anything for themselves or their own property over sitting in the corner and happily waiting for his commands. Now I smile no matter what, have him on a care schedule, make time for my own work, I say nothing about my own personal business, just do my caregiving chores, sit and have a talk with him about sports and all the wonderful trips he had etc... and all is calm. And I have to add that even medication is not a cure for narcissistic behavior. My parent was violent in the hospital/nursing care too, they medicated him, did not change the behavior at all.

Just smile and be happy, it's the best way to handle it.
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I guess I should say that it is our house that everyone is living in. They weren't staying in her house rent free while taking care of her. They were doing my husband and I a favor since we live so far away.
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Sounds like son and DIL have the rigth idea. Some people are just nasty and manipulative and there is no reason anyone should be subjected to that. If she cannot be nice to her family who is trying to care for her, then maybe she needs to be moved into a home sooner than expected. Caregiver abuse is real.
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